Dark Times

I know I haven't had this site activated in awhile, and it's been a dark few months.
I disabled my blog from being accessible because of how suicidal I was feeling, and was worried about my judgement with what I might write. I am not filled with extreme certainty about all that yet, but in light of the recent Earthquake in Christchurch have decided again it's in some way important for me to document this, hopefully 'this' will end up being my journey of recovery!

If you would like to help Christchurch during this testing time you can click on the following to take you to online pages to donate:
- RNZSPCA Canterbury Earthquake Appeal (Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)
- Women's Refuge - Quake News & Canterbury Earthquake Donation Info
- New Zealand Red Cross - 2011 Earthquake Appeal
- Salvation Army New Zealand - Canterbury Earthquake Appeal

So there is a bit to catch up on, and over the next few weeks I will be posting the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of documentation, and finally feel a bit more competent about scanning and uploading on here, so it's easier now.

I'm not sure where to start with having such a big gap, so to start out with something easy for me, here is an email that I sent on the 30 November 2010 at about 3am in the morning to my treatment providers, hopefully will begin to convey how it's been for me during the last while.

"Hi, I've just been on the phone to the Crisis Team Line. I tried to ring Lifeline first, but got the message thing after a few rings that all their staff were busy, and I was shaking so bad and felt so scared about what had happened that I rung the Crisis Team message service to phone me.

I took my meds at about 12.45 as I was getting into bed, it is a bit later than usual, but I was finishing watching a movie. I took my mitazapine and one zoplicone and one nitrazepam. I woke up from one of my nightmares, and was in that state where I feel frozen with fear and it seems to take some time and a lot of will to move my body, I've no idea whether it was 30 seconds or 10 mins that it took me to reach up to turn on the light switch above the bed, but it felt very difficult.

I saw [therapist's name] yesterday, and filled him as best as possible about how I've spoken to the Police now on more than one occasion about this guy that has been harassing me and that with the Police's support am getting a restraining order against with a Lawyer's help.

So, I managed to turn on the light switch, and even though I had the 'shot' of fear from the nightmare, because of being so tired, but also cause of my meds probably I was having trouble keeping my eyes open...I sleep with all the other lights in the house on except for my bedroom one, but then I had just turned this on. Through 3/4 closed lids I looked up at the ceiling and could see this crack in the ceiling probably about 30cms long, very narrow, but maybe from the angle from the light from the lightbulb I could see an eye and the shadow of this guy (that has been hassling me) looking down at me. Even though I'd had a jolt of fear from the nightmare, that was nothing, I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so hard. I slowly closed my eyelids rolling my head to the side and 'stretching' so that one my hands ended up under my pillow where my mobile phone was. I then lay very very still. I without moving anything 'visible' dialed 111 on my mobile... I actually thought maybe I should text like *****, Mum + 8 other's I can think of, call 111 there is that guy in the ceiling - but decided I should ring them, and move as quickly as possible into the bathroom and shut the door once they had answered and I had to talk. Then I thought, can he get me through the roof in the bathroom, and I thought, I thought there was no space in my roof and that the surface is plastered over with no cracks...so then I thought, Danielle, just roll over casually, not looking directly up but just a tiny look to see if there is a crack.
There was no crack at all in the ceiling.
I was laying in bed with the light on and my hand under the pillow with 111 dialed and my thumb on the 'call' button, but not pushed.

I had just got off the phone with the crisis team as I said, just before I started writing this email. After I had done my 2nd slow peek at the ceiling and seen absolutely no cracks in it anywhere I looked at the clock and it was 2.36am.

I have really bad nightmares as you know. But this was something that I haven't experienced before and it's scared the crap out of me and I don't quite understand. I am very shaken that in the middle of provable experiences, the turning on the lightswitch (cause the light was on) and dialing the mobile (cause the numbers were there when I looked back) - that I saw something that was not real. It wasn't like a nightmare where it can be so lifelike that sometimes for hours and hours I can be 'having' emotions and physical stuff like tight chest, racing heart etc from it. It was something different - something that I worked out the second time I looked that what I saw the first time was not right/correct/real (not sure how to describe???), but only because of the second time being different, not because the first seemed any less real. it's only a bit over 3 hours ago that I took my meds so know that even though my heart is still racing I am a bit groggy at the moment.

I am way too scared after this to go back to bed at all, which I've got some stuff 'planned' in case I am awake at night to try and distract myself. But thought I'd email the both of you now, I see [therapist's name]again next Tues - but I'd really like a 5min chat with one of you before the weekend if that worked and was possible, to help me understand, cause I'm sure it will probably ease, but I am really freaked out right now.

Will try and go back to sleep when it starts getting light, around 6am I think, but will be home for most of today I think (brain a bit mush)... think I've sorted out the problem with my telecom mobile so both landline and mobile are working now [psychiatrist's name]. And as soon as I am awake I will turn the volume on on my phones, I don't have voicemail on either, so if you are trying to phone and can't get me just text or email as soon as I see it will try back.

Going to go and drink cups of tea and try not to think about it now.

Thanks, Danielle"

The next day I kindly got a reply from both my Psychiatrist & my Psychotherapist:

"Hi Danielle

What you are describing is what is called Hypnopompic Hallucinations – hallucinations occurring at the point of waking from sleep and which are gone when you are properly awake – and are probably the combined impact of the nightmares, the sleep disorder/difficulties you have, and possibly also the sleep meds. They do not mean you are going “crazy” or are “psychotic” OK, but what you do need to do is try not to fear them, and to when they happen remind yourself they are not real and will be gone nce you are properly awake.

If you google hypnogogic (which are on going to sleep) and hypnopompic (which are on waking) Hallucinations you will find info re them!

Hope that helps

Rgds’
[psychiatrist's name]"

AND

"Hi Danielle,

Sorry to hear of your awful night. I am in Wellington today, but would be available to talk tomorrow. Whilst this a "new" symptom, and clearly a very disturbing one, it is also not that surprising given recent circumstances. [psychiatrist's name] is probably better qualified to comment on that, but I will talk to you tomorrow.

Take care,
[psychotherapist's name]"

So I didn't think that my nightmare's could get any worse, but I've since been able to talk this over with both of these people, and it's probably happened a dozen times since then, I think last year with my nightmare's going from 3 or 4 nights a week before my therapy was stopped, to 2 or 3 times a night, 7 nights a week last year - I really started to become terrified of going to sleep, and even though I was taking medication and doing all the 'right' things, deep down I was just plain sick to death of the feeling of having to endure reliving sexual trauma every night.
I've found out a bit more about Hypnagogia and Hypnopompic - and from that first night that it happened have almost reassured myself that it's not that I'm totally losing my marbles or that I have a brain tumor, that considering my chronic PTSD and the culmination of lack of sleep, increased stress, and reduced support, that I guess in the light of day I can understand how it's happening. But towards the end of 2010 I went from suicidal thinking, to sorting out a plan and putting it into action. I was just so scared about what was happening and felt so alone with it. I made up some excuse and organised for someone to take my darling doggy, Molly, and even started packing up my house into boxes - to make 'thing's' easier for people dealing with everything after I was gone. I didn't get to writing a note, but had written out instructions to do with Molly's care & things like password info for bank accounts and that. I got to 'the date' in January, it was night-time. I had left 'it' till after Christmas & New Year because I didn't want to ruin that time for anyone. So on the night at the last minute I was crying and decided to phone the crisis-line. I actually ended up speaking to the same person that I had talked to the first night I 'saw' a man in my bedroom at night. A long story short, I made the decision that night to CHOOSE not to act out on those thoughts, that for the next few months that despite of what I may feel day-to-day I would just do whatever I could each day. Those feelings haven't totally gone away, but that night even though I totally felt like I didn't know how to live anymore, I also knew that I didn't truly want to die, I just didn't know what to do.

Anyway, there is a lot that has happened (and not happened!!) to do with my ACC Sensitive Claim, and with my recovery - so will update as and when I can. I feel a bit exhausted even writing this, think most of the way that I've ended up coping the last few months is by dissociating - kind of zoning out as much as possible, either by cleaning, gardening, reading, anything that involves not having to think about anything to do with me - either the night before, or years before. With still being clean and in recovery (damn it! 12-step meetings have TOTALLY ruined any power of alcohol or other drugs to numb my pain!) I've been trying my hardest not to self harm, aware of how well I'd done, before all the 'ACC Stress' in 2009 I had 3 months up of not self-harming - it's a memory that is hard to see clearly, but I know I did feel so proud of that, even if I can't remember how that feels right now.

I'm not sure I can overcome the damage that was done last year to an already festering wound, but JUST FOR TODAY I am doing my best.


Just a Girl
In the World
Back Online

Parliament Q&A on ACC (17/08/10) & Denise Cosgrove has a Laugh

I know that Annalise has covered this already in her excellent blog The Swamp Report, with not only the text but also the video available to watch. I don't have sound on my old clunker of a laptop, but I get the daily 'Posting to Parliament Wire of Scoop' from scoop.co.nz (very handy, can just organise quite simply on their site a whole range of things to be sent to your email daily or weekly), so basically I get the daily Questions & Answers from Parliament in my email inbox within 24hrs of them sitting. It's good for me because I'm not always up to going online every day, and I believe that WE have the right AND should take advantage of that right to know exactly What Is Going On In Parliamentary Sessions.
So the below is quoted from the Scoop Q&A Email I received, it refers to number 3 of the 12 questions in the house that day, the 17 August 2010

Accident Compensation—Sensitive Claims and Sexual Abuse Victims

3. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Does he stand by his statement on Radio New Zealand’s Checkpoint programme of 12 August 2010 “I’m not satisfied that ACC has handled the issue of counselling services for sensitive claims that well. I’m going to await the final report from the independent clinical panel before drawing final conclusions.”; if so, why?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Yes, I do. I have been consistently cautious about interfering in the clinical decisions of the Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) in this sensitive area. But given the level of concern from colleagues and the
public I have established an independent clinical panel to review the corporation’s approach. That panel is doing a very professional and thorough job.

Hon Annette King: Does he now accept that he was warned by clinicians, by survivors, by he National Council of Women, and by 3,976 people who, last October, signed a petition that stated: “By doing nothing and allowing these changes to occur unhindered you are choosing to make recovery from horrific abuse harder for some
of the most vulnerable members of this society.”?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I draw the member’s attention to the advice from the Royal New Zealand Colleague of General Practitioners, and I quote what it said in November last year: “All the clinical evidence suggests that the new approach ACC is adopting will
be in the best interests of the patient”. Given that sort of advice I have been cautious about getting involved in a clinical debate where I am not well qualified, but in response to the concerns of colleagues like Chester Borrows, Jackie Blue, and
Nikki Kaye, I have set up an independent clinical panel and I will be ensuring that the advice of that panel is taken by the ACC to ensure that we are providing proper care for people who are sexually abused.

Hon Annette King: Did the ACC advise him that the process to change the clinical framework or clinical pathway was started under a Labour Government as he has claimed many times; if so, when?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, that is the advice I have received. There was concern in the research that was commissioned in 2003, at Massey University, by the previous Government. The key element—and I am not an expert on the clinical issues—is that the clinical concern in that research was that unlimited counselling would do more harm than good for sensitive claimants. I am advised by the ACC that the changes in the pathway were begun in 2008.

Michael Woodhouse: What steps has the Minister taken to try to have the issues over sensitive claims addressed as quickly as possible?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The independent clinical panel wrote to me on 16 July seeking an extension of time until September to enable it to provide a comprehensive report. My concern was that this delay would put back the addressing of the problems in relation
to providing for sensitive and vulnerable claimants. I agreed to the extension until mid-September subject to the panel providing interim recommendations. On receiving those recommendations I immediately wrote to the ACC board seeking their implementation as quickly as possible, which the board has done.

Hon Annette King: In light of the Minister’s answer to my previous question, is he saying that the ACC was not telling the truth when less than 1 month ago, in answer to an official information request, it said: “No work was undertaken on either the clinical framework or the clinical pathway prior to 2009”, and when it also said that the clinical framework was developed by the clinical services directorate in 2009, long after a Labour Government had left?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand—[Interruption]

Mr SPEAKER: I apologise to the Minister. I believe that the member has asked a serious question, and the member’s colleagues should listen to the answer.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand by the advice I have been given by the ACC, which is that the work on the clinical pathways began in 2008, prior to the change of Government, as those documents make plain. Labour has tried to politicise this issue, but the
changes in sensitive claims have been totally driven by the ACC’s clinicians, not by Ministers. They have not been driven by Cabinet but by clinicians trying to do their very best for sensitive claimants.

Hon Annette King: I seek leave to table a document from the ACC, dated 30 July 2010, that points out that no work was done on the clinical framework or clinical pathway prior to 2009.

Mr SPEAKER: Leave is sought to table that document. Is there any objection? There is no objection. Document, by leave, laid on the Table of the House.

Hon Annette King: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. The Minister said that he had quoted from official documents from the ACC. I ask that he table them.

Mr SPEAKER: No, I do not believe that the Minister had an official document in his hand when he was answering that question.

Michael Woodhouse: What were underlying concerns that the ACC had that led to the changes, and has the Minister received any advice on whether those concerns were valid?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The concern that the corporation’s clinicians had, backed up by comprehensive research, was that ongoing unlimited counselling of victims of sexual abuse could lead to more harm than good. The clinical panel has confirmed the validity of this research and the need for professional oversight by psychiatrists
and psychologists to ensure that long-term counselling is both beneficial and appropriate. I am advised by the clinical panel that where the corporation erred was in requiring such an assessment for all claimants when insufficient professional support was not available, resulting in unacceptable delays in providing care. I am confident that with the support and advice of the independent clinical panel we can improve the support provided for sensitive claimants.

Craig Foss: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. During that exchange, and prior to it, the member Darren Hughes questioned whether the Minister was telling the truth, quite a few times. Members cannot do that; all members are honourable. I ask that
the member reflect on that and withdraw.

Mr SPEAKER: The member has taken offence, and, strictly, the member should not imply—

Hon Darren Hughes: I was very careful in what I said, Mr Speaker. I—

Mr SPEAKER: The member will not repeat what he said. I heard very clearly what the member said. Another member has taken offence. A member should not imply that another member is not telling the truth. I ask the Hon Darren Hughes to stand, withdraw, and
apologise.

Hon Darren Hughes: I withdraw and apologise.

Mr SPEAKER: Lynne Pillay; a supplementary question. [Interruption]
I say to the Labour front bench that I have called one of their colleagues. I expect them to show some courtesy to their own colleague.

Lynne Pillay: Will the Minister now require the ACC to identify the estimated 2,000 people who were unable to participate in his Government’s accident compensation process because it was too traumatic; and will he offer them counselling?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: As of Monday the corporation is offering 16 counselling sessions for those people who seek the services of counsellors. The corporation will work through a final solution when the full report is available from the independent clinical panel. I point out to the members opposite who are interjecting
that way in excess of 2,000 accident compensation claimants were turned down for counselling during the time of the previous Government. In fact, when Labour was in Government, half of those who sought counselling were turned down.

Hon Annette King: When the Minister said in the Nelson Mail last week that “Some days I’m in politics and I think ‘What the hell am I doing?’.”, will he now accept that the victims of his bungled policy are asking the same question?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: It is a pity that the member chooses to selectively quote. The overwhelming point I would make—[Interruption] Well, the comment was made in reference to visiting an oil rig in Tasman Bay, and I am not sure that that is particularly relevant to the issue of sensitive claims. Members opposite have attempted to play politics with this highly sensitive issue. [Interruption]
They have—they have played it for all it is worth, when all the papers show that this issue is, in essence, a clinical issue in which neither I as Minister nor the board, for that matter, has made substantive decisions.

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1008/S00258/questions-and-answers-17-august-2010.htm

I am posting this to allow anyone reading my blog to be able to stay informed. I know I have one very loyal 'blog supporter' (Ringonz/Chris, thanks for your comments, at the very least it's nice sometimes to know that at least one person is reading this), and I know there are others who have kindly lent their supportive comments when possible.

With regard to the above I think I am almost too tired to have an opinion, but go Annette King! Right?! As I've said before I'm not out to vilify ACC or any particular individuals but in the 're-structuring' of a kind, fair, viable and functional Unit or Service to provide the financial assistance for Survivors of Rape, Sexual Abuse and Assault, with the amount of damage that has been done over the last 10 months, the amount of (needless) pain and suffering that has been caused directly by ACC's (and not just the organisation, INDIVIDUALS who have made choices within that organisation) actions; there is going to need to be some acceptance and accountability for wounds to be soothed. Trust me, by this point, I know that just because I am saying (and am probably right) that it should happen, that it will have any chance of ACTUALLY occurring. It sounds cliche (cause it is), but What Is The World Coming To, or What Have We Come To In NZ with ALL of this.

Some of you either through twitter or not, may know I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was trying to go through ACC documents (I have probably about 10inchs of A4 documents) and was trying to write a 'Solution-Focused' Letter, I had written half a page and was re-reading ACC Communication to me and about me, and I decided that I would like to speak to Denise Cosgrove, just for 5 minutes, with my proposed solutions. I thought that since SHE had chosen to involve herself in my claim that by rights I could request just a couple of minutes of her time. I was very calm at this stage.
Anyway, 2 hours and many phone calls later, it was obvious that Ms Cosgrove was never going to speak to me. By this stage I had progressed far past calm to very very upset. The kick in the teeth was when I discovered after an hour or so transferred around the Sensitive Claims Unit was that Denise works in the 'Corporate Office', the number of which is on ACC's 'Contact Us By Phone Page', so I rang that number and it was answered by a woman called Natalie or something like that. I asked to speak to Denise and she said that she could put me through to Eleni Simons, PA to GM Claims Management, ACC (Denise's Assistant?), so she put me through.
At this point it was one those surreal moments, it picked up straight away and I could hear a woman speaking, but it was like when someone's mobile phone rings you from their bag and you can hear them speaking but from a distance. She obviously had no idea that I was connected there, listening to her speaking to someone. She was saying

"yeah I know, it's the second client that's tried to get through here today so I'm just not going to take any calls at all"

then there was a pause as she was listening to someone else speak I guess, and THEN I HEARD HER SAY,

"oh yeah, well I'm definitely not talking to THEM" and then she laughed.

I'm sitting on the end of the phone just wanting 2 minutes of this person's time, calm, but with tears streaming down my face, and then when I heard that I lost it. It was at that point I heard the clunking noise of a receiver being replaced and then I was cut off. Even though I was hysterically upset I phoned back, just to see if it was true what I had overheard her saying, and was told by the person answering the phone that there was no way Eleni or Denise would speak to me.

So yesterday turned out to be a write-off, a nightmare for me, I ended up letting myself down by self-harming, and in the grips of my PTSD could not see why there was any point in my life.
Today I am just holding on for a bit. I must resemble something from 'One flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest', and I might be a little nuts, but I AM NOT CRAZY.
I can't believe she laughed.

ACC, PTSD & Me

This is an email that I sent (then sent snail mail also) on Monday of this week, it took me over 10 days to write. I was debating WHEN to post it on here, whether I should wait to see what happens. But at the mo I'm not doing so well, not really managing, so I thought to try and maintain as much transparency as possible with my blogging I'll put it on here now, while I can. It is a response to an ARTICLE BY DENISE COSGROVE (click to see), which I know to contain FICTITIOUS information

"6 July 2010

Denise Cosgrove
General Manager
ACC
PO Box 242
Wellington

(via email)

RE: DANIELLE MARTIN, CLAIM #***********

Request for Official Information

In relation to your letter to the editor (link: letter to editor by Denise Cosgrove) in response to the Sunday Times story highlighting my claim, under Section 12 of the Official Information Act 1982 I request ACC provide me with the following information in relation to my claim:

1. The number of Subsidised or Fully-financed therapeutic services that ACC has funded under my Sensitive Claim (with a clear distinction of the type of service).
2. The costs ACC has incurred for the different types of treatment in relation to the above.
3. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports etc relating to ACC’s interactions with ‘working with the ADHB’ about my Claim, or Care.
4. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports, referrals etc, pertaining to and showing ACC having “worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House.”

I look forward to receiving the information in due course and within the OIA timeframes.

Regards
Danielle Martin

**********@hotmail.com
**********
**********
AUCKLAND ****

So, it will be more waiting.

And as for me, in March I found out there was meant to be a Review Hearing in the Disputes Tribunal Court on 6 July 2010. I just found out a couple of days ago that it has had to be adjourned with a new date to be advised (???) all because of ACC requesting more time to get further "Opinions" ABOUT ME. I feel very disheartened with delay after delay and with all the instability of the last few months, the total insecurity of my life, and whether or not I will be able to manage to get treatment for my Chronic PTSD.

I managed to scurry into the supermarket on Monday morning, I'd been out of food for a couple of days, but Molly (my beautiful dog) had eaten the last of her dog food the night before, so I just had to do it.

I'm probably not making alot of sense, feeling really overwhelmed, tired and anxious. I am now really, really scared of having to go to sleep, and wondering how much and how graphic it will be when I relive it in my dreams tonight, the latest thing that just started in the last week is it is the first guy that raped me, and instead of biting and cutting my lips (which is actually what happened) he is using a needle to sew my lips together while he lays on top of me, doing what he does. Who would want to talk to me or be my friend when that is what I wake up from and am trying to escape from everyday. That's what a therapist is/was/might-be there for I guess, someone trained and paid to talk about getting my life back on track, helping me practice to keep myself safe, create structure, and to somehow make some sort of life for myself. It wasn't my fault what happened to me. Through my therapy my nightmares were down to 3 or 4 nights a week before ACC disrupted my therapy, and I had over 3 months up without cutting (self-harm) myself, might sound silly, but I was so so proud of myself. Anyway it's not like that now. Not a night goes by without some re-visitation of the men that tortured me.

Anyway, I am probably rambling, I just wanted to check in and wanted to post the letter above, say thanks to the people who in thought or action have been showing some care with what is happening.

Night or day

I was trying to wake up...half in a dream...struggling out of it. About a third of the way through being raped and highly distressed and beginning to wake up...it takes what feels like minutes to be able to open my eyes fully and not slip back into the dream, I've no idea of actually how long it is. I open my eyes and I can see daylight outside my window, and I instantly feel some relief. Once I am able to move (I often wake 'frozen', to scared to move and it sometimes takes awhile for me to keep repeating to myself that I am awake and 'safe' and my body will let me move again) I wipe the tears from my face and lean up to look over at the alarm clock to see the time, it's 6.29... and I realise that it's actually the end of my afternoon nap and almost nighttime and not morning at all. Dissapointment and resolve creep in.

I'm able to acknowledge how I feel, realise it, name it and tell myself that I can understand why I may feel like that, but I am allowed to keep going, I don't have to be over-ridden by that feeling. Right now writing about it though, it does make me sad, being in this place where those thoughts of how much I don't like the night are so close. It's a sign to me that I am not doing so well in general, the quicker I go to thoughts like that, and the harder it is not be overwhelmed by the feeling.

Today I went to sleep between 4-4.30pm and slept for a couple of hours. Most days I have a nap. Mainly because I don't get that much sleep at night, or not enough sleep at night...and if I don't get enough sleep it causes all sorts of other problems. Everything is harder when I am sleep deprived. It's harder to cope with the world, my physical health deteriorates (I have a long term kidney/bladder problem), I get triggered easier and it's harder to reassure myself, do the next best thing, and keep myself safe. When I'm tired, I am usually more anxious and fearful, and even simple things become more difficult, like remembering to eat properly...which goes on to cause more problems if not got right.

I have no enjoyment of knowing that most days I have to have a nap as part of my basic self-care. I don't like knowing that as a fairly young woman that my every day is constricted by knowing that I will have to have a nap when I am tired, not knowing when that will be, not being able to plan much or to commit to much in life because of this. The shame of the real reason for this is not something I can share with people, except my therapist.

I don't have as many nightmares when I sleep during the day as when I sleep at night. So as a result I am not usually scared about going to sleep during the day and I am at night. It would be the easy thing to try and sleep as much as possible during the day because of this. It is also easier waking up from a nightmare to it being daytime, it doesn't take as long to 'come back' to where I really am when it is daylight. So all this would make a big motivator to spend all day in bed, but as much as possible I try to only have a small nap during the day and persist with trying to have 'normal' night time sleeps.

It's probably only in the last year that I have started giving myself permission to have these naps during the day as part of my self-care, I thought I was alright with it, but just writing this has made me realise how much shame I still have about why I need to do this, how I wouldn't even be able to explain it to anyone, and even just having writing this is overwhelming.

I have spent the last 8 years on a journey of healing, of making the decision to stop trying to run away from my fear, to stop dealing with it all my way and acting out on it in socially unacceptable ways and things coming out sideways and ending up trying to kill myself every year or two.

It's been a hard slog, about six weeks ago in therapy, I had a moment where I had suddenly realised that I had just come past half way. After years of going to 12-step meetings, being clean and in recovery, doing the next best thing in all areas of my life, in and out of therapy with a concentration of it over the last two years...I had finally gotten up a few months not self-harming, cutting, which is huge for me. Not cutting actually made things worse, cutting was a way (just like using drugs) was just of pushing the memories away... so it meant that for the first time there was pretty much nothing (nothing unhealthy and dangerous, old coping stratagies) in the way. It meant the the nightmares were worse, but I was finally in a place where I was going to be able to fix the foundation of my life. It was an amazing session and an amazing realisation. I had been technically 'single' for about 18 months, barely having any contact with my ex-boyfriend, it had been over a year since I had had a guy stay the night (something which of course makes me feel safer at night, but of course there is a 'cost' to this... not the right reason that I really wanted to have a guy in my bed, and would normally have a high price and other triggers... something that I've had to do alot of hard honest work around, especially since there pretty much unlimited guys wanting to be there), and I was struggling with the intensity of the nightmares and not using ANY of my old coping stratigies to take the edge of or help me cope. But there was some excitement that I've never had before, there was this glimmer of hope, belife that I might really be able to change some things, work on some stuff, do some processing, that I had never able to do before, that I was beinging to believe actually might change me having these awful awful dreams and getting raped over and over again in my head. If ending my life, or the choice to do so is about looking at that quality of life and creating a line, knowing that if that life will be permanently below that line then that is when not wanting to continue living becomes a viable option. One of the biggest reasons that contributes to that line for me would be knowing that I would be raped every time I went to sleep for the rest of my life. If that was a definite then I would not want that life, I have have often wondered what others would think on this, but it is not something that I can discuss with someone.

So a few weeks ago, just a week after this amazing discovery of hope in therapy I got a call from ACC letting me know I only had 5 remaining sessions until a DATA was completed. Between that time and Friday just gone (almost a month) neither my therapist or I had any information or replys to communication from ACC at all. My therapist set up an urgent DATA that I had only days after this phone call. After pressing them (ACC) about the release of my information against the privacy act last week they finally said that one of their clinicians was reviewing the results of the DATA report and there should be some communication by the end of the week. I saw my therapist on Friday and she said that she had heard from ACC and they had decided that it was best clinically for me to go from seeing her twice a week to once a fortnight.

The night before my DATA I sat up cutting all night. I have been cutting, seeing my ex-boyfriend alot, isolated myself from all support, and anxious, not eating, and considering going to shoot up smack. I can step outside of myself and I feel so sad for how far back I have gone over the last few weeks. Initially I was so angry at ACC, and I guess I still am. But all I am thinking about most of the time now is how I will get raped when I go to sleep tonight. And how that glimmer of hope that I had seems like a wisp of smoke, long gone and growing harder to remember. Do I have a future healing from what has happened, building that new foundation with 13 days between each visit to my therapist? Is there any point in even trying anymore? I've fought so hard for so long, and I just don't know if there is anything left.

Concerned Wise Friend Bangs Head Against ACC Wall

EMAILS ABOUT ME... NOT TO ME

From: CONCERNED FRIEND
Sent: Tuesday, 20 October 2009 11:04
To: Sensitive Claims
Subject: re Danielle

I am very concerned about the current mental state of Danielle who has been receiving counselling under ACC sensitive claims for a sexual assault. I am a personal friend of hers. She was advised yesterday that she has only 5 more sessions with her counsellor and will then be not entitled to any further sessions until she has a review. The date for this review is unclear. Regardless of the future goals and directions of ACC sensitive claims counselling, this woman has had 2 sessions of counselling weekly for some time. She is now dependant on this support for her well-being. ACC have a responsibility in creating this dependence and in my opinion they have a responsibility to continue this support until an alternative arrangement/treatment can be found. This woman’s life is in danger and she needs to be carefully managed if her dependence on counselling is to be reduced. I understood the ACC counselling changes were not applicable to those who were already receiving services but only applied to new cases. This woman is at serious risk of harm if she is not given adequate support and if one support is being suddenly withdrawn, an alternate option needs to immediately be put in place. I am putting this in writing to you because if there is a coroners inquest I want it noted that I warned your department of the serious likely clinical consequences of your actions.

Regards
CONCERNED FRIEND


then.....


From: Kimberleigh O'Hara [mailto:mailto:kimberleigh.o] On Behalf Of Sensitive Claims
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October 2009 9:11 a.m.
To: 'CONCERNED FRIEND'
Subject: RE: re Danielle

Dear 'CONCERNED FRIEND',

Thank you for your email regarding the above client.

I have noted your concerns about this client. Danielle has had over 240 hours of counselling to date, and a Diagnostic and Treatment Assessment is required to advise on whether the treatment she has currently been receiving is meeting her needs, and also what future treatment options will be appropriate. The aim of therapy is to teach clients the skills to manage their symptoms, and it is unreasonable to expect that clients will be free of challenges or problems following therapy. They should be able to use the skills obtained through therapy to cope and manage emotional needs and there should be a focus on relapse prevention right from the start of therapy. It is of real concern to ACC that any client still has acute issues after this length of counselling.

5 Sessions of counselling was given to assist her through this assessment process. If the Diagnostic and Treatment Assessment report indicates the need for further treatment, this will be considered by ACC. Please note that a list of suitable assessors has been provided to the client's counsellor, and the case manager is in contact with the client about this process. Approval has also been given for Danielle to attend 8 sessions of EMDR treatment.

Please be aware that ACC has the best interest of its clients at heart, and carefully considers any decision it makes so as to facilitate the client's rehabilitation. If there are concerns for the mental state of the client the provider and the clients GP has a duty of care to inform the relevant crisis agencies of this and put measures in place to address any issues - i.e. the CATT team through the local DHB which ACC funds through its Public Health Acute funding. I have also asked the Case Manager to inform the client's counsellor and GP of your concerns for the client's wellbeing.

Kind regards
Sensitive Claims


then...


From: CONCERNED FRIEND
Sent: Thursday, 22 October 2009 10:18 a.m.
To: 'Sensitive Claims'
Subject: RE: re Danielle

Dear Sensitive Claims
Thank you for your reply. I am as concerned as you that after 240 hrs of counselling Danielle remains in semi-acute state although I will state her counselling has reduced her risk factors considerably over the past 2 years. She has remained substance free and has not self-harmed now for the longest time since I have known her. Phoning her on her cell-phone when she was in the middle of a medical procedure for a kidney complaint was dangerous and irresponsible. She came very close to taking her life after that phone call. I am not saying I dispute ACC right to conduct a review process, I am however, very concerned at the process of the review process. Danielle will never go near a CATT service. She has had too many bad experiences with them over the years. She has actively self-harmed in last week for first time in 8-9 months and she is as close to suicide as I have known her to be in the 7 years of our friendship. This risk increase is due to the ACC process. Thank you for taking my concerns seriously. I don’t make a habit of complaining or being dramatic. This situation has me very worried for her safety, but I also accept any decision she makes is ultimately her choice. I only ask that the process of changing whatever treatment she is receiving happens carefully and with extreme sensitivity.


then...


From: Selena Dominguez [mailto:Selena.Dominguez@acc.co.nz]
Sent: Thursday, 22 October 2009 10:58 a.m.
To: CONCERNED FRIEND
Cc: James Du Plessis; Sue Walker
Subject: RE: re Danielle

Hi CONCERNED FRIEND,

Thank you for your email below regarding Danielle.

Due to the concerns highlighted in your email I have discussed Danielle's claim with my Branch Manager and we have contacted Danielle's GP, Dr ..........., directly and she is going to get in touch with Danielle immediately.

Regards
Selena Dominguez, Case Manager, ACC


then...


From: CONCERNED FRIEND
Sent: Thursday, 22 October 2009 11:21 a.m.
To: 'Selena Dominguez'
Subject: RE: re Danielle Martin

Hi Selena
Thank you for contacting Danielle’s GP but I think you are missing the point. It is ACC actions and process that is causing the problem here. Don’t palm this off on CATT or GP please. Take some responsibility and adjust your process. That is what I requested. You cannot phone someone on their mobile phone and announce their 2 years of therapy is going to end in 5 more sessions. That is totally unprofessional and clinically unsafe. Danielle needs to be managed very carefully and information conveyed very safely. She has asked this of you already I know and I stress, Danielle will have nothing to do with CATT services or anyone trying to assess her risk. She is an expert at telling them what they need to know and getting rid of them. She knows the last thing CATT wants is a person like her on their caseload so she makes it easy for them to assess her as “safe”.

I will be direct now: What I would like is for Danielle to be informed there will be no interruption in her current level of counselling support until after a review process decides what that level of support should be. Telling her she had 5 more counselling sessions and then a review will decide if she needs more, with no set date for the review, leaves her exposed and vulnerable and that is what is causing her risk to rise. I know you are doing your job, but please try to understand what I am saying in these e-mails and don’t make it someone else’s responsibility. It is yours.





END OF COPIED EMAILS.




I feel as though I am involved in a slow motion car crash. I am making sure as much of what is going on is as documented as possible.
There is many immediate issues that come to mind after I was copied the above...
- Why did ACC intimately discuss my claim with someone who is not one of my treatment providers in any way?
- Why is there information, decisions, directives in the ACC email responses regarding my care that I nor any of my treatment providers have been informed of? Even further there is information stating opposite intentions from an email recieved two days previously by my therapist, ensuring no disruption to my therapy during the data process!
- Who are the people (Cc: James Du Plessis; Sue Walker) who are being copied information about my claim?

I had no knowledge of these emails until I was copied the above in its entirity. I am still unsure about what level of anonymity I am aiming for, therefore the 'CONCERNED FRIEND' substituted for this persons name, not only is this person obviously someone that knows me quite well, but also someone who is well respected and qualified in the area of mental health.


More to write in another post...

I no what is happening isnt right or fair, but I know that doesnt mean that it's going to stop happening.

I'm very very scared right now.

A piece of my life...

Okay... second post. Ive emailed a friend the link to ask her if she can check to see if it is actually anonymous, like can she work out or see my full name or email address from just looking at the blog. I would like this to be semi-anonymous right now, anyone who knows me will be able to tell it's me from what I write, and maybe at some point I'll let go of that anonymity... got some stuff to write about that, but that is not what I really want to say right now.

So if you've read my first post you'll now know I have PTSD, or Chronic PTSD, or am a survivour of sexual trauma, or an ACC sensitive claim 'customer', or just a girl in the world with many possible boxes to fit into.... or a 30 year old woman who most nights has nightmares reliving different elements of that trauma.
PLEASE NOTE THAT I DONT WISH TO TRIGGER OR OFFEND OR DISTURB ANYONE...so read on now if you wish taking that into account.


(phew...just had to take 15mins out...anxiety got a bit much, harder to write about stuff for me sometimes than to just do whatever I need to do to get further away from 'the content' below... so I shall continue...)

It's 4.30am in the morning, I have been awake now for probably about 45 minutes. My norm of late (for the last 6-12 months) is to be woken from a nightmare sometime between 1.30am-4am. I have been having my nightmares or bad dreams or whatever they are for alot longer than that, many years (once again another post if i get the chance, will talk about it). So I have these dreams. 95% of the dreams that I have involve some part of one of the sexual tramas (I still even struggle with the word 'rape', how's that for shame?), sometimes it is an accurate unaltered replay, sometimes it is portions of it mixed in with elements, situations, people or locations from other parts of my life, sometimes it's mixed in with other current things going on for me, people I've seen (the most upsetting off this recently has been my brother in them, I love him dearly and sometimes after I hang out with him for the day he will be in one my dreams as a witness).
I want to write down what happens in those dreams, hence the warning higher up in this post. Not to shock, or draw attention, but to provide some understanding, not only what it is like for me but as a voice of what I am sure some other survivours of this kind of trauma have been through. But it is so graphic and full on that I am having second thoughts about writing it right now... just because of the level of anxiety that hasnt shifted since I woke.
When I wake up I am terrified, often crying, with an adrenaline rush, like that fight, flight or freeze thing going on. Mostly for me waking from my nightmares it has always been freeze. It could used to take me up to an hour to be able to move, terrified to even make any noise breathing or even shift a muscle. It's hard to explain but it's like the real, logical world, the voice of reason in my head sometimes takes awhile to filter through enough to override the fear and be able to move. The intensity of it is totally illogicial and not only often doesn't make sense during the daytime, but I also can't understand how real the fear always feels. I would repeat to myself a mantra once I could when I woke up at night, there's no-one there, just turn on the light, just reach up and flick the switch, it's ok, there's no one there...sometimes it takes awhile.
These days though I sleep with all the lights in the house on, about 6 or so months ago I decided to take a new tactic (many different tactics over the years, maybe will discuss later)... instead of trying to have a 'normal' nights sleep every night, to for the meantime adapt around my nightmares. Hopefully not a permanent adaptation, but with the first time ever getting a couple of months up not self-harming the nightmares seemed even worse, it was like I had taken something away that took the edge off them. So the last few months I sleep with all the lights on in the house. My goal when I wake is to move as far from the fear/anxiety/emotion/memory of the nightmare as quickly as possible. So having all the lights on helps. Means I dont have as much of the 'freeze' stuff going on as long... the downside of this has been my increased powerbill on a low income. It also means having a routine as soon as I wake. As soon as I am able I get out of bed and make a couple of tea. This has two benefits, it gives me something to focus on to pull me away from the event I've just re-experienced, and also prevents me from drifting off again...in the past ive had a 50/50 chance of eventually falling back to sleep without waking up properly, often I am so overtired because of this cycle that it happens... then the nightmare of the evening either repeats itself, or worse starts up whereever it left off. In the past I have been so sleep deprived that once I manage to get to sleep and I wake from a nightmare, I know that I can't wake up properly, and I know that it will keep going once I fall asleep and I am scared but drift back into it anyway... the most that this has happened for me in one night is 5 times, 5 installments of the same event, the scariest thing is each time I blearerly wake I know what is going to be the next installment because it has all happened before.

Wow, I have written alot again, but there is so much more I feel I need to get down. Part of the reason that I dont talk about this stuff with people is the shame, shame that if they know the full story of what a 24 hour day is like that they will know the things that happened to me. Shame and fear of being judged, for what happened, and how my life is like now. Who wants to be thought of as disfuntional? Who wants people to know that you have been violated in the most intimate tragic way? Not me, not really, not right now.

Once again at this time I am writing, recording parts of my life, story and experience so maybe it might encourage further understanding, less negative stigma, removal of social taboo's that exist in owning up to this sort of thing personally...all of which are helping to contribute to the current government slide new ACC changes and guidelines through parliment, into effect... and put my future recovery and possibly my life in jepordy.

Phew, again.... will write more when I can.