This is an extract out of a book that I've just finished reading 'man and wife' by Tony Parsons. I first read 'man and boy' by the same author and it went onto my list of top books of all time - the second book is good, very good - maybe just without that undefinable x-factor that puts it into the something very special category though. I would still absolutely recommend the second book though, Tony Parsons somehow manages to capture a very stark, humbling sense of humanness in his writing.
This quote is towards the end of the book (Pages 285-286 of the paperback version) and is Harry's Mother talking, she has had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and has already had a mastectomy, but is still undergoing the last of her chemotherapy (and had also during this process decided to become a Counselor for other Breast Cancer survivors) - Harry, his son Pat and Harry's Mother have arrived home to find 3 women waiting outside the house:
"'See that young one, Harry? She had the same operation as me. Same breast removed too. Scared to look at herself now. Imagine that. Afraid of the mirror. You can't let that happen. You can't be scared to look at yourself. They can talk to me. Because their family - the husband, the daughters, the sons - they want to be reassured. They don't want the truth - they want reassurance. And they don't have to reassure me. And they don't have to be ashamed in front of me.'"
I think that the words of Harry's Mother can be applied to almost any kind of difficult experience in life.
I know that for me that this has been proven true through dealing with my disease of addiction. Without going into a long story about my journey of being an active drug addict, coming into Recovery (being clean, not using Drugs or Alcohol), was something that started for me really by going into a Residential Rehab Program - but it was there that I was introduced to the two 12-Step Fellowships that I consider myself a member of. There are many catch phrases from these self-sustaining programs that helped save my life, 'One Day At A Time', 'Easy Does It', and 'It Works If You Work At It'. This is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous Website about how it works:
"NA's approach to recovery is the belief in the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. Members take part in NA meetings by talking about their experiences and recovery from drug addiction. More experienced members (known as sponsors) work individually with newer members explaining the twelve steps and the program. The twelve steps are at the core of the NA program; these 'steps' are a set of concepts outlining a practical approach to recovery. By learning the tweleve steps with a sponsor and how to work the NA program addicts learn to stop using drugs and face the challenges of daily living.
Narcotics Anonymous is not a religious organisation and does not mandate any particular religious belief system. It does teach basic spiritual principles such as honesty, open-mindedness, faith, willingness, and humility that may be applied in everyday life. The specific practical application of spiritual principles is determined by each individual. Recovery in NA is not a miracle cure that happens within a given period of time. It is a process, ongoing and personal. Members make an individual decision to join and recover at their own pace."
Being able to talk with someone who you know really understands.
What I am getting to with this post and these quotes is the benefit of having a safe place to be able to talk, work things out, process, grow and change. And that in a perfect world we would all have these perfect friends and family that could (and would) know how to and choose to help has fix any problems, or difficulties that may arise because of events we have experienced. But this is not how the world is, or not how my experience of the world has been.
Even though with a Mother's love, my mother helped nurse me back to health while detoxing from a $500 a day heroin habit (almost 9 years ago), she could not help me to understand how to really get clean, stay clean, and not feel like some freak or loser because of that life experience. I got that gift through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Through people that understood, didn't judge, cared, and were there to help me help myself on a journey of recovery from my addiction.
This is the same thing that my Therapy is from the sexual indignities I've been a victim of. I wish more people could understand and support that. People like me who have experienced one of the most extreme violations of body and soul sometimes need help to learn how to be ok in the world with that stain of what happened. Therapy isn't about going x amount of times, completing A, B and C and what happened magically goes away and you get back to life as normal. I know part of it is my fault, if I had asked for help, and tried to fix the dysfunction and the broken-ness many years earlier I know I would probably not need the help I do now, or that hope might be a bit easier to find.
I went to shut down my blog again yesterday, feeling that I've just publicly embarrassed myself for the last year with everything I've written. But I had One comment of support on the Blog and One very kind DM (private message) from someone on Twitter, and that was enough to get me through. I am constantly surprised at the compassion of people I haven't met (thank you). Since Thursday I've been feeling like a lost cause, and that maybe it is a waste of money trying to help me when I don't know if I can get better - but back to the 'Just For Today', hopefully I will feel different in an hour or tomorrow.
