Can The Damage Be Undone?

Listen to this Track (Leave The Light On) by the Oh-So Exceptional 'Beth Hart' on this YOUTUBE LINK HERE.

I seen myself with a dirty face - I cut my luck with a dirty ace - I leave the light on - I leave the light on - - I went from zero to minus ten - I drank your wine then I stole your man - I leave the light on - I leave that light on - Daddy ain't that bad he just plays rough - I ain't that scarred when I'm covered up - - I leave the light on - I leave the light on - Little girl hiding underneath the bed - Was it something I did - Must be something I said - I leave the light on, I better leave the light on - - 'Cause I wanna love - And I wanna live - I don't know much about it - And I never did - 17 and I'm all messed up inside - I cut myself just to feel alive - I leave the light on - I leave the light on - - 21 on the run, on the run, on the run - From myself, from myself and everyone - I leave the light on, I leave the light on - Better leave the light on - 'Cause I wanna love - And I wanna live - I don't know much about it - And I never did - I don't know what to do - Can the damage be undone - I swore to God that I'd never be - What I've become - Lucky stars and fairy tales - I'm gonna bathe myself in a wishin' well - Pretty scars from cigarettes - I never will forget, I never will forget - I'm still afraid to be alone - Wish that moon would follow me home - I leave the light on - I leave that light on - - I ain't that bad - I'm just messed up - I ain't that sad - But I'm sad enough - - Cause I wanna love - And I wanna live - I don't know much about it - And I never did - I don't know what to do - Can the damage be undone - I swore to God that I'd never be - What I've become - I leave the light, I leave the light - I leave the light on - - God bless the child with the dirty face - Who cuts her luck with a dirty ace - She leaves the light on - I leave that light on

ACCIDENT

I haven't written and published a post for over 15 months, I want to tell you why, I hope to be able to manage it.

I was unable not to write this morning after randomly reading the following tweet:

@KyleMacD More ACC skulduggery on 60 minutes this Sunday night... 60 minutes ACC story promo 15 Sep 2012 http://ow.ly/dvtTt

It led me to the following page (reluctantly signing into my Facebook...) : Facebook Video Post

Which after googling 60 minutes I found is originally from the TV3 Website,60 Minutes "Coming Soon"

People are dying and have been as a result of a systematic de-structuring of ACC to move closer to be able to an American (Bush) like Health Care System made up of Private Insurance Companies whose number one aim is Profit - or if you REALLY believe John Key & Co been so busy running the country thatthe former sounds like a conspiricy theory... then life altering negligence and a culture of fear, manipulation, intimidation, and incompetence within ACC and by it's Employees that has been just like [INSERT WORST THING IN UR LIFE U'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH, NO CHOICE] for already Victimised Client's trying to choose Life.Yeah yeah...I'm on my soapbox I know...will keep saying it my last breath - maybe future people can have a better chance at life.

DID YOU KNOW WHEN I FIRST WENT FOR MY 1ST OFFICIAL PUBLIC MENTAL HEALTH ASSESSMENT DIAGNOSIS ASSESSMENT TO TRY AND GET HELP AND ACCESS SERVICES TO TRY AND HAVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING......THE OUTCOME WAS HANDED TO ME WITH ALL THE LATEST RESEARCH (that was technically current worldwide at the time with the current statistical info and studies) THAT FROM THAT MOMENT ON THERE WAS A:

1 IN 5 CHANCE WILL BE TERMINAL (DEATH)
20% would be taken out by it - no matter what...

Sounds and looks so much more dramatic like that. Imagine a new cancer with those stats if discovered. But is only Mental Health, and Acute PTSD from Trauma - and the way that I was told that those 1 in 5 (Hard data) would die... by their own hand.

So Any awareness and discussion around "the issue" I say Bravo.

Watch it. Talk about it. Become aware.

IF you are lucky enough to not know personally, or of someone affected by the Effect of recent actions by ACC ... then you can move on and check out your mates holidays pics...or play mafia wars and not bother to be or become Informed - and THEN IF you abstain I hope for the sakes of anyone you know that WHEN someone you know does need help to help themselves recover - that WE THAT ARE STANDING UP have done enough that there is a System in place in our democratic country that will allow them at least some choice as whether to try to Not Be the 1 in 5 that will die...I pray that for those with the luxury of unawareness of ALL this ACC Chaos that just 'don't really wanna know...' - that they will not be the ones that need a broken system themselves next year, that it will not be their daughters or sons, their brothers or sisters, their husbands, wives, co-worker, boss, or best friend, that in ANY way will need a Functional Public Health Care Sevice to be the difference in the odds of if they live or die.

Here I go...ranting again, sometimes feels like a broken record - but realising I'm trying to draw attention to the Importance of the Health of the Actual Health System that can extend lives, or play a part in them being snuffed out premeturely... THE ONE BIT I'VE NEVER FELT ABLE TO ADEQUETLY SUM UP IN WORDS...IS HOW THOSE PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOT CHOSEN TO NEED TO BE AN ACC CLAIMENT AS A RESULT OF INJURY...that after being Raped and/or Sexually Abused - don't know whether to be constantly suprised that actually survived the "Accident"*{*NB Please See Defintion of 'Accident' at end of post...just so as there no confusion that is just Danielle being all sensitive and confused again...), made it with a heart that still beats through something inflicted/caused with 'The Outcome' being such a fine line as to whether ".....and Murdered/Died From Injuries" etc is on the end of the 'Said Occurred Accident' - TO finding a place so dark no one should ever have to know it, and wondering if "Surviving" said 'Accident' (day after day) is possibly worse punishment than to have died as a result at the time of "Injury". So it is different to EVEN ASK FOR HELP than from falling off a ladder and being off work for 6 weeks in a caste with a broken wrist.

Sure Mistakes Happen. Nothing in Life is Perfect.
But if we're not careful, if it is allowed to continue - what has been happening, happened - and yes, is continuing within ACC - It Will All Be Looked Back On One Day In The Same Kind Of Light As things like the Racism towards the Aboriginees in Australia, the Stoning of Women in India, the Genocide of the Jews... It will be seen either by our Society being encompassed by another Sustainable one, or though a series of further errors and failures that would eventually leave no place to hide the wrong-ness -
That People or Persons that have been Victims of a Crime, Victims of an "Accident" of Rape and/or Sexual Assualt and/or Sexual Abuse ARE entitled to the same Level of Care to recover, adjust, get well, WOT- EVER as any other "Victim" of an "Accident" gets - and that We Are NOT Meant to Be A Country That IF and WHEN you recieve medical treatment depends on chance of birth and what Socio-Economic strata you JUST ARE. And without a doubt of at least the same expectation and fufilment of All aspects of care for these Victims....instead of possibly treating them with a tiny bit of extra kid-gloves (cause the 15 years old having her anus stitched back together MIGHT not be as Capable as Dealing with the System as the 34 year old Plumber who broke his toe playing for the Local Footy Club in the weekend) ... that as well as a range of general snowball of failings within the Organisation of ACC, that the Opposite was done - that those "Sensitive Claimants" had a higher rate of not recieving even the basic treatment, let alone any extra Support, Information, Care, etc to ensure the best Recovery Outcome result possible is at least KINDLY and FULLY available to these Claimants with not only possibly Physical Injuries and the Psychlogical Injury attached to absolutely any process or event in life - but with a lashing of any or all of Pyschological, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Physiological Damage that is thankfully has few ather 'Accident'/Incidence Descriptions in life that dish out without choice to the New ACC Claimant to see if and how life will be.

Do we want The System to be Part of the Problem or Part of the Solution?

I HIGHLY recommend watching SICKO by Mike Moore - http://sickothemovie.com/ - if you think that this has all come about because that the System was flawed to start with, (I WANT EVERYONE TO WATCH IT, I had so many 'Oh My Gawd' moments in it - like a 'pre-deja vu' feeling...and so want to know if is, like Just ME?) and that yes, all this mess has to be sorted out - but THAT POSSIBLY with the Privatised Healthcare System in Aotearoa that now this has just-possibly come about cause that a Publicly Run Health Care System isn't really viable anyway, and that just-possibly the etiology of All-ACC-Related-"Stuff" is proof of this...well - IF YOU have read through the below: (just a taste)...

- The Swamp Report - http://theswampreport.blogspot.co.nz/
- Off The Couch - http://psychotherapy.org.nz/off-the-couch/
- Scattered Pieces - http://www.scatteredpieces.org/
- A Girls Life - http://missd-justagirl.blogspot.co.nz/
- K1W1 - http://k1w1jax.blogspot.co.nz/

...and then can provide ANY reasonable kind of explination, justification...etc (blah, blah, blah - anything that 'Supports' the Past, and Current Actions by People like Denise Cosgrove and Peter Jansen in anyway but totally corrupt and morally reprehensible I would be so very interested to know (I'm not being sarcastic - I truly mean this!)


ACCIDENT
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/accident
Noun
accident (countable and uncountable; plural accidents)
1. An unexpected event with negative consequences occurring without the intention of the one suffering the consequences.
to die by an accident
2. Any chance event.
3. (uncountable) Chance.
4. (transport, vehicles) An unintended event such as a collision that causes damage or death.
There was a huge accident on I5 involving 15 automobiles.
My insurance is expensive now, mostly because of those two accidents.
5. Any property, fact, or relation that is the result of chance or is nonessential.
Beauty is an accident.
6. (euphemistic) An instance of incontinence.
7. (euphemistic) An unintended pregnancy.
8. (philosophy, logic) A quality or attribute in distinction from the substance, as sweetness, softness.
9. (grammar) A property attached to a word, but not essential to it, as gender, number, case.
10. (geology) An irregular surface feature with no apparent cause.
11. (heraldry) A point or mark which may be retained or omitted in a coat of arms.
12. (law) casus; such unforeseen, extraordinary, extraneous interference as is out of the range of ordinary calculation.
13. (military) An unplanned event that results in injury (including death) or occupational illness to person(s) and/or damage to property, exclusive of injury and/or damage caused by action of an enemy or hostile force.
14. (uncountable, philosophy, rare) Appearance, manifestation.


Just A Girl
Right Here - Right Now

Dr Peter Jansen

Well... where would I begin?

Anyone who is reading this is most likely aware of all the recent media activity regarding PJ & his lawyers (The Swamp Report is a good place to start if you want to catch up). As you may know I've had my own run in with PETE telling LIES about me Publicly, followed up by Ms DENISE COSGROVE'S (I wouldn't want Denise to be forgotten in all the chaos) pathetic attempt to justify 'them' by telling even more lies! ... and also having my own PRIVACY BREACHED BY ACC ..

I am not very well, so I not going to write about 'me'.

I did however want to post my PUBLIC SUPPORT, LOVE, AND HIGH REGARD for JAX and her blog - she went out on a limb to care and stand up for me in her very eloquent letter in May of last year.

So I would like to place a direct quote from one of the comment's of a post of Jax's from her at-last-I-checked active blog, it is not my words but it is a fine summery of points that shouldn't be left unresolved in my opinion:

"Anonymous said...
Several points come to mind here

1/Dr Jansens position in the 'sensitive' claims section of ACC has been grossly compromised. Sexual assault victims are just that - victims and sensitive. The Dr. has shown himself to be ill equipped and obviously not the correct person to deal with 'sensitive' claims. I would consider his resignation from this position as the very least he should do.

2/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is long, on going and requires intervention on many levels. Jax is displaying anger, fear, aggression and disbelief in a situation that is out of her control. Surely this should have alerted the Dr to her precarious situation? No, instead he chose to ignore her plea for support and assistance and seek remunerations far and away above anything that Jax will ever receive.

3/ This highlights a problem within the health system when an abuse victim has to apply to an authority, set up to deal with accidents, for help. Sexual assault is not an accident! It is a crime and there is a victim who needs support, understanding and sensitivity at all points in their progress towards accepting and living with that crime.

4/Did the Dr. not think that by his very actions he may have now discouraged victims from seeking support? Sexual assault is an under reported crime because of the stigma that is associated with it or because of threats to the person by the perpetrator.

There needs to be a completely seperate authority set up to facilitate this that is able to deal with a psychologically and physically overwhelming assault. This Dr. has now shown to all victims that they will not be considered as 'sensitive' and in fact can be assaulted again by the very authority that is supposedly there to support them.

5/How was this woman who is in hiding (that alone indicates how bad this situation must be for her) still able to be served papers for defamation? Another form of assault. He indicates by this action that she isn't safe anywhere, that she is able to be found.

6/Another concern is that there appears to be no acceptance that people suffering as a result of a sexual assault require long term and on going care and support. Some people do go on and recover control over their lives in a shorter time frame - but others don't. Many decades may pass and, as indicated by Jax, something new will trigger new fears, phobias or reactions. Help should always be available.

Dare I suggest that NZ be a world leader here and take this opportunity to set up a system whereby sexual assault victims are supported and helped by a totally seperate, private and professional organisation? Where a victim can feel secure and supported but most importantly understood by the people within it. From their very first interaction with Police through the court system and into the future.

This Dr may have done us a favour by showing up the failings within this system - here is a victim who has been sexually assaulted and now is being assaulted again. Jax has every right to be angry with a system that has let her down. Jax my deepest sympathies go out to you and I do completely understand why you're so angry and lashing out and you most certainly have every right to feel victimised again.

In fact if it wasn't for his law suit this would never have become public at all. My congratulations must go to the Minister who raised this in Parliament - this would have gone under the radar without your concern for this victim.

Dr Jansen you are not entitled to money for what you have done, you failed to obtain appropriate support for a person within your system. Don't act surprised and aggrieved that when you fail someone they are angry and hurt. Fifteen people MAY have read Jaxs' comments - now the whole country is aware of your incompetent reactions.

Support is not a finite thing - it should be available to one and all for as long as they need it without fear of reprisal or retribution.

Concerned.
April 15, 2011 10:53 AM"

I don't know who wrote the above as it was signed Anon, but I could take a pretty good guess! And regardless of it not being my words, right now it's what I'd say if I wasn't in so much pain.

If you are reading this along with supporting Jax, I in turn send out support to all the other Victims of the Crimes of Rape and Sexual Abuse out there - you may not have a blog, or have been in the media, or may not be receiving the help you need right now - but please, please hang in there, reach out - you deserve help, you deserve to get better and not have to deal with the hurt alone in the dark. There are also some truly amazing Treatment Providers that really Care, Truly want to Help, and are Selfless in their Professionalism & Kraft.

Lastly I support the addition of the DSM-CIP (Com­pletely Incom­pe­tent Prick) syndrome diagnoses to the new fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) due out in May 2013.


Just A Girl ♥

Understanding

This is an extract out of a book that I've just finished reading 'man and wife' by Tony Parsons. I first read 'man and boy' by the same author and it went onto my list of top books of all time - the second book is good, very good - maybe just without that undefinable x-factor that puts it into the something very special category though. I would still absolutely recommend the second book though, Tony Parsons somehow manages to capture a very stark, humbling sense of humanness in his writing.
This quote is towards the end of the book (Pages 285-286 of the paperback version) and is Harry's Mother talking, she has had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and has already had a mastectomy, but is still undergoing the last of her chemotherapy (and had also during this process decided to become a Counselor for other Breast Cancer survivors) - Harry, his son Pat and Harry's Mother have arrived home to find 3 women waiting outside the house:

"'See that young one, Harry? She had the same operation as me. Same breast removed too. Scared to look at herself now. Imagine that. Afraid of the mirror. You can't let that happen. You can't be scared to look at yourself. They can talk to me. Because their family - the husband, the daughters, the sons - they want to be reassured. They don't want the truth - they want reassurance. And they don't have to reassure me. And they don't have to be ashamed in front of me.'"

I think that the words of Harry's Mother can be applied to almost any kind of difficult experience in life.
I know that for me that this has been proven true through dealing with my disease of addiction. Without going into a long story about my journey of being an active drug addict, coming into Recovery (being clean, not using Drugs or Alcohol), was something that started for me really by going into a Residential Rehab Program - but it was there that I was introduced to the two 12-Step Fellowships that I consider myself a member of. There are many catch phrases from these self-sustaining programs that helped save my life, 'One Day At A Time', 'Easy Does It', and 'It Works If You Work At It'. This is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous Website about how it works:

"NA's approach to recovery is the belief in the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. Members take part in NA meetings by talking about their experiences and recovery from drug addiction. More experienced members (known as sponsors) work individually with newer members explaining the twelve steps and the program. The twelve steps are at the core of the NA program; these 'steps' are a set of concepts outlining a practical approach to recovery. By learning the tweleve steps with a sponsor and how to work the NA program addicts learn to stop using drugs and face the challenges of daily living.

Narcotics Anonymous is not a religious organisation and does not mandate any particular religious belief system. It does teach basic spiritual principles such as honesty, open-mindedness, faith, willingness, and humility that may be applied in everyday life. The specific practical application of spiritual principles is determined by each individual. Recovery in NA is not a miracle cure that happens within a given period of time. It is a process, ongoing and personal. Members make an individual decision to join and recover at their own pace."

Being able to talk with someone who you know really understands.

What I am getting to with this post and these quotes is the benefit of having a safe place to be able to talk, work things out, process, grow and change. And that in a perfect world we would all have these perfect friends and family that could (and would) know how to and choose to help has fix any problems, or difficulties that may arise because of events we have experienced. But this is not how the world is, or not how my experience of the world has been.
Even though with a Mother's love, my mother helped nurse me back to health while detoxing from a $500 a day heroin habit (almost 9 years ago), she could not help me to understand how to really get clean, stay clean, and not feel like some freak or loser because of that life experience. I got that gift through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Through people that understood, didn't judge, cared, and were there to help me help myself on a journey of recovery from my addiction.

This is the same thing that my Therapy is from the sexual indignities I've been a victim of. I wish more people could understand and support that. People like me who have experienced one of the most extreme violations of body and soul sometimes need help to learn how to be ok in the world with that stain of what happened. Therapy isn't about going x amount of times, completing A, B and C and what happened magically goes away and you get back to life as normal. I know part of it is my fault, if I had asked for help, and tried to fix the dysfunction and the broken-ness many years earlier I know I would probably not need the help I do now, or that hope might be a bit easier to find.

I went to shut down my blog again yesterday, feeling that I've just publicly embarrassed myself for the last year with everything I've written. But I had One comment of support on the Blog and One very kind DM (private message) from someone on Twitter, and that was enough to get me through. I am constantly surprised at the compassion of people I haven't met (thank you). Since Thursday I've been feeling like a lost cause, and that maybe it is a waste of money trying to help me when I don't know if I can get better - but back to the 'Just For Today', hopefully I will feel different in an hour or tomorrow.

ACC Strikes Again

Hi.

I've started to write a post probably a dozen times over the last month. Wanting to say how I am doing and what's going on. I think it's a mixture of a couple of things that have ended up with me deleting all but one of them before they are finished.

I haven't been FEELING that great, but very slowly I had been adding a few more minutes of structure and functionality to my life and my days. I am half way through a very long post that is basically a 'November 2010' compilation - I am continuing to scan documents and piece them together in this post and like most things hope to finish it sooner rather than later. But it seemed difficult to talk about what's going on now without having updated in sequence what has happened with my claim.
The short version is that there was the hearing date with the Disputes Court against ACC in November, several yucky conversations and awful reports later at literally the very last few hours before the Court hearing, ACC put an offer out - offering me 10 sessions of subsidised therapy, then with a report required detailing x,y, and z - and then I think maybe another 10 sessions.
Anyway it was all done with absolutely no show of compassion on their part, as everyone involved could see they had no evidence to present at the Court date so that is what ended up happening.
It has been hard for me to feel safe and grateful for these sessions. I attempted to see my Therapist at the end of 2010 but couldn't really manage it.
I have however been to Therapy now, once a week, for about the last 7 or 8 weeks. The first couple of sessions were pretty much taken up with me freaking out about some of the awful things written in the Report by Dr Prince in November 2010, and about whether my therapy was going to disappear again. I totally believe my Therapist's reassurance's that they will not abandon me - but I feel like a zombie after what ACC put me through - terrified to let myself think about anything because of how I hurt myself when I do.

I also have had difficulty posting after watching the news and seeing all the effects of the Christchurch Earthquake and the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami. It somehow felt disrespectful or selfish to talk about how I was finding life difficult when I have power, sewerage and running water.

After November, even though there was the 'positive' outcome of me being granted some subsidised sessions - I was at a place where I couldn't even respond to an email, let alone look at a piece of paper that had anything to do with ACC. By the end of November I had gathered up every single piece of paper to do with my claim and went up to the Stationary shop and purchased one of those large boxes that you put together that you store documents in. I took it home, and filled it up, with only just managing to fit everything in - the box is about 40cm high and it's sitting in the corner of my lounge in the same place as when I filled it up, I tried to move it and it's so heavy that the bottom feel out.
It's only in the last couple of weeks that as I've been wanting to blog about how I am doing in trying to focus on getting better that I've been taking out a piece of paper here and there and scanning them and adding them to this 'November 2010' post that I am writing. I can't manage to finish it right now, so will add the links once I have.

Since January of this year it's involved alot of 'faking till I make it' or 'acting as if' - basically not feeling like I can see much hope, or being able to connect to much faith, and barely being able to remember back in 2009 when I began to have hope for the future. I was really suicidal towards the end of 2010 as I've already blogged, but I made the decision in January that even if I felt that I was not going to act on it and going to keep getting up everyday and just doing the best I could.

Their have been little achievements which I must say I'm not very good at reminding myself of - the second week in a row that I was sitting in the couch in Therapy we talked about how it was the first time in a long time that that continuity had occurred. There's always the flip-side, how sad it makes me that it took almost 18 months for me to be able to go to Therapy safely again.

I've been very lonely for the most part. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I spent most of the day looking at the phone, wishing and wondering if it would ring. But I have had Molly, and she is a gift. She has been the main reason that I decided that I couldn't kill myself, she is 10 years old now, with slightly failing health. I'm not sure if someone would look after her if something happened to me - and if they did it would involve alot of change, and I don't want to put her through that. So every night, even if I've had a bad day, I put her to bed and spend some time giving her a cuddle. She knows the word 'tummy', and will roll onto her back, very cute. The support network that I'd spent years building up and had in 2009 for one reason and another is gone now, I have the best treatment providers that a person could wish for - but I think with my progressive deterioration in functionality from October 2009, and also with my 'secrets of trauma' spilling over into most aspects of my life instead of being able to deal with the effects in therapy - I lost alot of friends, or was not able to be able to 'be social' - and some people close to me I think felt uncomfortable knowing what had happened to me, and maybe with me 'outing' myself in trying to stand up for my rights with ACC.

I had therapy Tuesday of the week just gone. And was talking about how I was starting to try and set up some sort of structure in my days. Doing things like having set times for gardening, or cleaning, if I didn't have an appointment to go out to then trying to do an hour or two of 'Paperwork' type stuff - since November 2010 I kind of shut down with anything above the very basics, doing the dishes, walking Molly, trying to eat properly, and most of my bills were set up on a/p's thank goodness - but for the first time in my life really, I have about a year's worth of 'thing's to do' that need doing, or are very over-due. Small things that get larger the longer they are not done. But after what happened in November it was like the straw that broke the camels back, meaning anything that required me to engage my brain I just couldn't do, because there was all this awful stuff that ACC had said and done that was making me question my recovery, I felt like I was a failure at getting better - and I would catch myself going back over my progress with a microscope trying to work out what I had done so wrong. I knew that with my therapy I had gone from cutting between 100 to 5 times a day, down to a few times a week, down to THREE MONTHS without doing it - I knew that even though 2 wonderful Drug & Alcohol Rehab residential programs & 12 Step programs had taught me alot about how to stop using and stay stopped, that my therapy had allowed me to look at the triggers that pushed me back towards relapse, things that were a bit too heavy or graphic to be able to share or process through the 12-step fellowship. I knew that even though my nightmares about reliving being tortured and raped hadn't gone away, that they had lessened in quantity and with hindsight I could see how much better systems I was developing to be able to deal with what I was having to relive in my dreams.
BUT despite these tangible things I would try and hold up to myself as proof I've felt that if I was 'unwell' because of what happened to me - then I would be able to access the help I need, INSTEAD of the last year of this battle that has left me feeling like I must be BAD, broken and useless.

I don't want pity. I don't feel as capable at writing as I did a year ago, so I hope what I am writing makes sense.

On Thursday I checked the mailbox and there was an envelope from ACC. Before I even opened it it was like that sinking sensation in my stomach. I had just made a sandwich for lunch and I decided to eat it and have my cup of tea before I opened the envelope because I was scared of what was inside, and I know that when I am upset that self-care like eating goes out the window. It could have been anything in there, it didn't have to be something upsetting - but I think it was some kind of intuition.

This is what was inside:



I TOTALLY broke down - the room was spinning, I wanted to scream and scream and scream. I was on my knees on the kitchen floor and I realised the moans and crying I was making when Molly came up trying to lick my face. I hate her seeing me losing it, I didn't want to hurt myself but I could barely breath.
This is the email that I sent to my Treatment Providers within the hour:

Hello All...

I just received in the mail the attached letter from ACC.

I am really upset, but [Therapist] was able to give me a couple of minutes on the phone, and I am taking half a alprazolam and going to try and lay down and not think, because after reading that letter I feel like putting my head through a window, which obviously is not what I should do.

I am seeing [Therapist] on Tuesday and will try to not look at the letter or think about it or go over it again until then.

But in the meantime I just wanted to forward it to you, along with my concerns:

- ACC have specific instructions that any correspondence is to be sent in writing to all of my treatment provider's in advance of me receiving it: exactly because of how I feel right now, spinning out, instead of finding out in a safe environment
([Advocate] - think you can confirm it was something that we made sure was implemented early 2010)

- I attended a DATA at ACC's request (with my big relapse in self-harm the night before because I was so scared) with an ACC appointed Assessor, ****** ****** - NONE of the recommendations in the following report were carried out by the SCU

- I don't have any idea on how to get there, to Otahuhu

- I don't know who this Barry person is, but if I absolutely HAVE to have a DATA I will just forget about therapy if it means that I have to see some strange man I don't know, and sit in a room with him, etc, I probably don't mean that I will forget about therapy, but I feel like I'd rather hide under the bed than do that.

Not thinking clearly, going to try and stop crying and calm down but wanted to pass this along to you all.

Thanks as always
Danielle

PS - I think ACC are mean mean mean for making everything hurt

I heard back from all of them. The care and are kind. I haven't left the house since then. I can't do it, I can't go to an area I don't know, to see a strange man I don't know and tell him personal things about me right now. I haven't even had the 10 sessions of therapy with the report submitted by my Therapist.

The DATA that I did last time is mostly documented HERE - as I said in the email, none of the recommendations were followed through by ACC - it's hard to believe that ACC SCU are there to help me.

Anyway - I don't know if I've made any sense - I just wanted to write. I feel like giving up but I am just trying to take things an hour at a time.

JUST A GIRL, trying not to think, trying not to hurt myself.

More Sensitive Claim Ignorance

Found the following comment last night in the General Lounge Group on the ACC Forum Website - , it was underneath the Article last May from the Sunday Star Times (scroll down to the FIFTH Comment) -

neddy, on 17 May 2010 - 06:24 PM, said:
"There is one thting forgotten here and that is that the alternative, Segar House might just work.
In her blog she mentions Kyle McDonald. from his site" Kyle is an experienced psychotherapist who has worked in men's domestic violence programmes as well as mental health and addiction services for both Waitemata District Health Board and the Auckland District Health Board."
Also :"He currently divides his time between public and private practice, also working for Segar House the Auckland District Health Board Specialist Psychotherapy Service. "
If she can tell her story to anyone via the "Net and Twitter, then I fail to see how Group Therapy cannot be explored as it is a very effective tool for chronic PTSD and anxiety as it promotes interaction with others.
She has now to learn strategies to live not just to survive and maybe this could be a tool.
And, there are people who are dying waiting to gt into programs like Asburn Clinic and Segar House and to get the opportunity and turn it down makes no sense to my way of thinking."

Was so "annoyed" I ended up replying with the following:

JustAGirl, on 06 March 2011 - 12:35 AM, said:
It has truly been ages since I've done much online, I only reactivated my blog in the last week, and last year when I was writing it and tweeting also I must say I didn't have much time or regard to search the net for ignorant statements such as this.
I wonder 'Neddy' why you are even a member on this forum with what you wrote about about ME.
Segar House is an awesome effective wonderful treatment. So is Women's Refuge, CADS, and how about the Heart Bypass surgery too! All of these things are proven to work WHERE NEEDED.
I have Chronic PTSD, what Segar offer that could in anyway be a part of my therapy at the moment would be DBT Therapy, a program of which I fully completed with the ADHB Public Mental Health Service about 6 or 7 years ago, I learnt some valuable coping tools and strategies, however one of the big 'rules' is NOT TALKING ABOUT past specific trauma. None of my Treatment Providers at any time has recommended that I go to Segar House, OR have even made a referral.
And as far as you relating my 'ability' at Group Therapy with my attempting to be publicly open with my journey - I'm not sure what Clinical reason you would use to associate the two.
I attended and participated fully in Group Therapy when I was in a Drug Rehab Center 8 years ago, so it is not something that I am ignoring to try and make some point - you are right that it is an effective tool. But to talk about the intimate details about sexual trauma? In a Group with other vulnerable people, with males and females there? In your esteemed Clinical Opinion with the little you know about me you think I should be there? Well, good on you for choosing to sound so small minded.
ANY other crime, and/or victim of that crime can write, talk, go on tv, online, in the paper - even just chat over coffee about that experience - whether it be having your car stolen, bag snatched, house robbed or even some random unwarranted verbal or physical assault someone might experience at a bar - all of these and more are discussed with no judgement placed upon the choice to share this information.
NOT SO for Rape, Sexual Abuse & Assault, and Domestic Violence. Every word I write on my blog or tweet I know that I am exposing myself, and feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and a little bit proud all at the same time. The thing you might have missed while you zero'ed in on 'Segar House' is that I kept EVERYTHING a secret for many, many years - partially attributed to attitudes like yours - that some measly few pages of words about 15 years of trying to live with what happened to me kept hidden could possibly sum up or provide enough information for anyone not involved to make judgments like yours is insulting.
I desperately hope that by telling my story and the other few brave Kiwi's doing the same that it will increase awareness of Victim's needs and rights, and that through de-stigmatization that maybe, just maybe, some other victim of these kind of crimes out there might just have a little more information and understanding, support and faith in the system to be able to ask for help a little earlier that the years and years that I waited; and hopefully praying that these people will have some chance to not end up in the situations that I have because of what happened.
Did you know that the basic cost to an offender incarcerated in a New Zealand Prison is $90,000 a year? But it's often more for convicted Child Molesters because of extra need for monitoring for their safety and higher medical costs.
IF I CAN TELL MY STORY TO ANYONE ON TWITTER OR THE NET????
Really? It's archaic views that keep Rape Victim's quiet - Yes, I have gone way outside my comfort zone with telling PART of my story - but I stand by that decision, it wasn't one I made lightly or easily - but as I said in that Sunday Star Times and throughout my blog I MADE THAT DECISION NOT JUST FOR MYSELF BUT FOR PAST, CURRENT & FUTURE RAPE VICTIMS. Has something really terrible ever happened to you or anyone you love? Well, if it hasn't already you better hope that if what happened to me EVER happens to anyone that you care about that the ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway that I and a few others are fighting so hard (and it's fricken painful Ned) to make right is going to be there and adequate.
Over the next few weeks and months on my blog I will be posting reports post-dating this comment you made (if you are truly interested in the facts) , and also the results of my taking Dr Peter Jensen's decision to Court - and for now everything he & his amigo's have said has been seen through like the transparent lies with an underlying agenda that it was.
I know people who have received twice as many funded hours as me under their Sensitive Claim, one of them is just now completing a PhD, top of the class, and another that runs a very successful inner-city company - no one knows their secrets, and I know that I have forever blown my anonymity regarding being raped, but someone had to stand up to what the National Government was trying to do, heading towards privatising ACC - and the big picture with Australian Insurance Companies is that there is no room for victims of rape or sexual abuse.
Kind thanks to other's that have commented with interest or support on the article from last year.

JustAGirl
Danielle

Have calmed down about it this morning, but after re-reading what this person wrote, and then what I wrote still agree with what I responded with (always a relief!).

Let me just say that www.accforum.org is actually a very useful, helpful, supportive, informative and well set up site. If you are having ANY issues to do with ACC at all, in any way, shape or form there will be a post, discussion, or person on there I bet with something to say about what you want to know or discuss. I just wanted to clear up that anywhere we go in life, including the internet I know we all come across people like Ned, but in this case it's not what I have found to be an accurate reflection of this Forum.

Bad, bad nightmares, last night, so thanks to all that DBT Training years ago, and my past therapy, know that I need to just concentrate on self-care when I am this tired; Both for my well-being, but also to try my best to stop the slide from tired, flat & anxious...well, to something worse, especially am trying really hard not to act out with my cutting. Everything seems kind of grey though when I'm like this, it's like not being able to think of any activity, like a walk, or a dvd, through to things like music, or a meal I feel like eating - nothing that I can think of to make me feel better. But part of what I had learned and was practicing in Therapy, was to just do it anyway - similar to what I learned in the 12 Step Rooms, fake it till you make it, similar concept.
It's hard not to not get in that loop of despairing about how much worse nights are since this debacle with ACC SCU made the choice to f%&k with my progress. BUT - not thinking about that today, it hurts too much and I'm too tired!!

So a v.quiet day for me & Molly I hope.

Sending much love & healing prayers to all Canterburians out there, those who are doing it tough, hang in there - it is amazing what we humans have the ability to survive. I have no idea what you are going through, what you've experienced, but I know the long-lasting effects of trauma can be minimised by talking with, supporting, and listening to, your loved one's and those close to you in these trying time's.
Kiha kaha Christchuch ♥


Just A Girl

Dark Times

I know I haven't had this site activated in awhile, and it's been a dark few months.
I disabled my blog from being accessible because of how suicidal I was feeling, and was worried about my judgement with what I might write. I am not filled with extreme certainty about all that yet, but in light of the recent Earthquake in Christchurch have decided again it's in some way important for me to document this, hopefully 'this' will end up being my journey of recovery!

If you would like to help Christchurch during this testing time you can click on the following to take you to online pages to donate:
- RNZSPCA Canterbury Earthquake Appeal (Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)
- Women's Refuge - Quake News & Canterbury Earthquake Donation Info
- New Zealand Red Cross - 2011 Earthquake Appeal
- Salvation Army New Zealand - Canterbury Earthquake Appeal

So there is a bit to catch up on, and over the next few weeks I will be posting the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of documentation, and finally feel a bit more competent about scanning and uploading on here, so it's easier now.

I'm not sure where to start with having such a big gap, so to start out with something easy for me, here is an email that I sent on the 30 November 2010 at about 3am in the morning to my treatment providers, hopefully will begin to convey how it's been for me during the last while.

"Hi, I've just been on the phone to the Crisis Team Line. I tried to ring Lifeline first, but got the message thing after a few rings that all their staff were busy, and I was shaking so bad and felt so scared about what had happened that I rung the Crisis Team message service to phone me.

I took my meds at about 12.45 as I was getting into bed, it is a bit later than usual, but I was finishing watching a movie. I took my mitazapine and one zoplicone and one nitrazepam. I woke up from one of my nightmares, and was in that state where I feel frozen with fear and it seems to take some time and a lot of will to move my body, I've no idea whether it was 30 seconds or 10 mins that it took me to reach up to turn on the light switch above the bed, but it felt very difficult.

I saw [therapist's name] yesterday, and filled him as best as possible about how I've spoken to the Police now on more than one occasion about this guy that has been harassing me and that with the Police's support am getting a restraining order against with a Lawyer's help.

So, I managed to turn on the light switch, and even though I had the 'shot' of fear from the nightmare, because of being so tired, but also cause of my meds probably I was having trouble keeping my eyes open...I sleep with all the other lights in the house on except for my bedroom one, but then I had just turned this on. Through 3/4 closed lids I looked up at the ceiling and could see this crack in the ceiling probably about 30cms long, very narrow, but maybe from the angle from the light from the lightbulb I could see an eye and the shadow of this guy (that has been hassling me) looking down at me. Even though I'd had a jolt of fear from the nightmare, that was nothing, I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so hard. I slowly closed my eyelids rolling my head to the side and 'stretching' so that one my hands ended up under my pillow where my mobile phone was. I then lay very very still. I without moving anything 'visible' dialed 111 on my mobile... I actually thought maybe I should text like *****, Mum + 8 other's I can think of, call 111 there is that guy in the ceiling - but decided I should ring them, and move as quickly as possible into the bathroom and shut the door once they had answered and I had to talk. Then I thought, can he get me through the roof in the bathroom, and I thought, I thought there was no space in my roof and that the surface is plastered over with no cracks...so then I thought, Danielle, just roll over casually, not looking directly up but just a tiny look to see if there is a crack.
There was no crack at all in the ceiling.
I was laying in bed with the light on and my hand under the pillow with 111 dialed and my thumb on the 'call' button, but not pushed.

I had just got off the phone with the crisis team as I said, just before I started writing this email. After I had done my 2nd slow peek at the ceiling and seen absolutely no cracks in it anywhere I looked at the clock and it was 2.36am.

I have really bad nightmares as you know. But this was something that I haven't experienced before and it's scared the crap out of me and I don't quite understand. I am very shaken that in the middle of provable experiences, the turning on the lightswitch (cause the light was on) and dialing the mobile (cause the numbers were there when I looked back) - that I saw something that was not real. It wasn't like a nightmare where it can be so lifelike that sometimes for hours and hours I can be 'having' emotions and physical stuff like tight chest, racing heart etc from it. It was something different - something that I worked out the second time I looked that what I saw the first time was not right/correct/real (not sure how to describe???), but only because of the second time being different, not because the first seemed any less real. it's only a bit over 3 hours ago that I took my meds so know that even though my heart is still racing I am a bit groggy at the moment.

I am way too scared after this to go back to bed at all, which I've got some stuff 'planned' in case I am awake at night to try and distract myself. But thought I'd email the both of you now, I see [therapist's name]again next Tues - but I'd really like a 5min chat with one of you before the weekend if that worked and was possible, to help me understand, cause I'm sure it will probably ease, but I am really freaked out right now.

Will try and go back to sleep when it starts getting light, around 6am I think, but will be home for most of today I think (brain a bit mush)... think I've sorted out the problem with my telecom mobile so both landline and mobile are working now [psychiatrist's name]. And as soon as I am awake I will turn the volume on on my phones, I don't have voicemail on either, so if you are trying to phone and can't get me just text or email as soon as I see it will try back.

Going to go and drink cups of tea and try not to think about it now.

Thanks, Danielle"

The next day I kindly got a reply from both my Psychiatrist & my Psychotherapist:

"Hi Danielle

What you are describing is what is called Hypnopompic Hallucinations – hallucinations occurring at the point of waking from sleep and which are gone when you are properly awake – and are probably the combined impact of the nightmares, the sleep disorder/difficulties you have, and possibly also the sleep meds. They do not mean you are going “crazy” or are “psychotic” OK, but what you do need to do is try not to fear them, and to when they happen remind yourself they are not real and will be gone nce you are properly awake.

If you google hypnogogic (which are on going to sleep) and hypnopompic (which are on waking) Hallucinations you will find info re them!

Hope that helps

Rgds’
[psychiatrist's name]"

AND

"Hi Danielle,

Sorry to hear of your awful night. I am in Wellington today, but would be available to talk tomorrow. Whilst this a "new" symptom, and clearly a very disturbing one, it is also not that surprising given recent circumstances. [psychiatrist's name] is probably better qualified to comment on that, but I will talk to you tomorrow.

Take care,
[psychotherapist's name]"

So I didn't think that my nightmare's could get any worse, but I've since been able to talk this over with both of these people, and it's probably happened a dozen times since then, I think last year with my nightmare's going from 3 or 4 nights a week before my therapy was stopped, to 2 or 3 times a night, 7 nights a week last year - I really started to become terrified of going to sleep, and even though I was taking medication and doing all the 'right' things, deep down I was just plain sick to death of the feeling of having to endure reliving sexual trauma every night.
I've found out a bit more about Hypnagogia and Hypnopompic - and from that first night that it happened have almost reassured myself that it's not that I'm totally losing my marbles or that I have a brain tumor, that considering my chronic PTSD and the culmination of lack of sleep, increased stress, and reduced support, that I guess in the light of day I can understand how it's happening. But towards the end of 2010 I went from suicidal thinking, to sorting out a plan and putting it into action. I was just so scared about what was happening and felt so alone with it. I made up some excuse and organised for someone to take my darling doggy, Molly, and even started packing up my house into boxes - to make 'thing's' easier for people dealing with everything after I was gone. I didn't get to writing a note, but had written out instructions to do with Molly's care & things like password info for bank accounts and that. I got to 'the date' in January, it was night-time. I had left 'it' till after Christmas & New Year because I didn't want to ruin that time for anyone. So on the night at the last minute I was crying and decided to phone the crisis-line. I actually ended up speaking to the same person that I had talked to the first night I 'saw' a man in my bedroom at night. A long story short, I made the decision that night to CHOOSE not to act out on those thoughts, that for the next few months that despite of what I may feel day-to-day I would just do whatever I could each day. Those feelings haven't totally gone away, but that night even though I totally felt like I didn't know how to live anymore, I also knew that I didn't truly want to die, I just didn't know what to do.

Anyway, there is a lot that has happened (and not happened!!) to do with my ACC Sensitive Claim, and with my recovery - so will update as and when I can. I feel a bit exhausted even writing this, think most of the way that I've ended up coping the last few months is by dissociating - kind of zoning out as much as possible, either by cleaning, gardening, reading, anything that involves not having to think about anything to do with me - either the night before, or years before. With still being clean and in recovery (damn it! 12-step meetings have TOTALLY ruined any power of alcohol or other drugs to numb my pain!) I've been trying my hardest not to self harm, aware of how well I'd done, before all the 'ACC Stress' in 2009 I had 3 months up of not self-harming - it's a memory that is hard to see clearly, but I know I did feel so proud of that, even if I can't remember how that feels right now.

I'm not sure I can overcome the damage that was done last year to an already festering wound, but JUST FOR TODAY I am doing my best.


Just a Girl
In the World
Back Online

12:10

I was having this nightmare, I had moved into this flat in a very tall building during the day, it was a Saturday. The Couple that I didn't know, who had just moved out were there in the kitchen giving me the keys, and as they were leaving told me that the fire alarm was just behind the refrigerator, I had a look and it was one of those big square red ones, with the glass that you break and the switch to hit.
Then all of a sudden I was getting into bed in this new bedroom and it was night, and dark, without a light on, but not so dark that you couldn't see - because as I was getting into bed I realised that opposite the door to the bedroom which the foot of the bed was facing, was a door with the top half of glass but still with a wood frame, like those back-door's to house's that you see - except all the glass was gone, so it was just a gap, and this door went into the flat next door. And in there were 2 of the men that raped me. And the light was shining while they came into my bed so as I looked down I could see what they were doing to me, but most of the time I tried to look at the wall, because. After awhile I was arching my body in pain with my head right back so I could see the wall upside-down behind the head of the bed, and I could see a light switch there, and I reached up and flicked the switch.

So I flicked the switch and it was 12:10am. I have a light switch on the wall above the head of my bed. I often wake my self up with sound or movements, such as screaming. But I've never done something like that before in one of my nightmares where something that is very outside myself in the real world is simultaneously in my dream and I use it obviously at the same time.

It may not seem like much for someone reading this, but apart from the obvious feelings that I have after waking up from dreaming about being raped, there are other feelings or thoughts that disturb me about how the darkness that invades my dreams brings in the present... in the middle of the night, like now, it sometimes feels like there is some dark force that is doing this to make sure that it keeps the fear fresh. I'm sure in the light of day I don't normally let myself remember something like that and if I needed to could find a simple psychological explanation that evades me right now.

I finished watching Project Runway tonight and took my pills and got straight into bed. I think like 10.30pm maybe? Then I would have read for between 20-60mins (part of the joy of meds is slightly blurry memory around that time, which is part of the point to help someone with my anxiety sleep, but I can also get panicky that if 'something' happens at that time I may not be with it enough to react fast enough and save myself - my nighttime irrational thinking that I guess I can really connect with right now!) Anyway... so max an hour and half sleep. And then in my nightmare/real-life I hit the light switch above my bed, was instantly awake with the light and movement, and looked over to see Molly blinking with a whats-going-on-now look on her face. (In case anyone has actually read in my blog before that I sleep with the lights on, I sleep with all the lights on apart from the one in my bedroom most of the time, there is light comes through the bedroom door obviously and there is also a small window between my bedroom and the bathroom on the other side, so light through there too... I do try to give it a go most nights with the bedroom light off as I find that even though the light helps with the fear somewhat, there is still some human need inside that craves some lack of glare and bright lights to fully rest)

So I thought I'd get up to write it down. Maybe that way in an hour or so I won't feel it so much. On Monday night my dream was getting raped in the caravan by C.S and my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist were there sitting in big black deck chairs. I didn't go to sleep again until it was light.

I think I'll give the posting a video blog another go, I did actually try earlier tonight, the clip was about 20 mins, and after 2 hours it was only 20% uploaded, so I abandoned it. I think that for anything longer than a few minutes I might need to see if I can find an internet cafe close by and see if it's any faster, and also I can't afford any more broadband usage than I've already got...

Going to make a second cup of tea and just sit on the couch for awhile and try and tell myself that it's ok. I'm doing my best to push back the tears and feelings and to try and think about something else, but it's hard.

Sensitive Claim Call Centre Treats Me Like Crap

I am so angry and so scared that I feel like imploding, or jumping in front of a bus. Ahhhhhh!!! I am very determinedly not cutting, but gawd this is hard.

I just got off the phone from Shonsi at the ACC Sensitive Claims Call Centre, she told me her Manager is Stacy Green but that I couldn't speak to her. Just the way she was speaking to me was awful. Like I am a piece of gum on someone's shoe. All I was asking for was for the decision they were making (the opposite of the decision I was told from the same call centre on October 7th, something Shonsi acknowledged) if I could have it in writing explaining it for me. It is really hard when someone is being rude and talking down to me on the phone to understand what is going on, that is why I asked for it in writing. She just said flat out no. I said isn't it my right to be able to request the decision in writing, she just said no. I don't want to get into the details right now cause I feel like putting my head through the window, but on October 7th I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims, was conveyed some information and told that a letter regarding this would be posted out and I would receive it in the next week. So today on the phone she at first she said that isn't what you were told, and I told her to have a look at the notes from that phone call and tell me exactly what then we were apparently speaking about, because there had been only one subject discussed concluding with me being told to wait for the mail. Eventually once I'd said this and she checked the notes, then she said 'oh this person had made a mistake then'. I said that I'd been checking the mailbox everyday, and were they going to notify me at any point that there had been a mistake made, she just said no.

I am sooooooooooooooooo sick of being treated like trash. I hate this so much.

It ended with me pleading to please have anything relating to and explaining this new decision, change of mind etc in writing so that I could understand what was going on. She just said no, I wish I had a recording of the conversation so I could post it here, so it would be possible to hear the contempt in her voice when she was saying it, NO.

Bad Thoughts

So a month or so ago together with my Psychiatrist I made the decision to increase my anti-depressants. It was a relatively new medication anyway, I had only been on a low dose for a couple of months. But I was still really struggling with getting enough sleep, both quality and quantity, due to my 'night-time anxiety' and also my nightmares often waking me up and making me fearful to go back to sleep. Also because of feelings and thoughts I was having. Even though I have a diagnosis of 'Depressive Dis-order' for me it has always been something that I suffer from as a magnification of outside events. So, if things are difficult, for example events beyond my control 'happening to me' or I am getting triggered alot about my trauma then I can get very down and overwhelmed. But for me Depression has never been something that has affected me when everything in my life is balanced and going well. It seems as though (and most Treatment Providers that have known me have said) that Depression for me is similar to Anxiety, another symptom of my PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). I know it might seem difficult to believe after alot I have written in this blog, but most people have only ever got to see the 'happy' Danielle, with only a very few that have seen me 'not well' or not doing-so-good.
So part of the feelings that I was struggling with a few weeks ago, was alot of suicidal thoughts. It was becoming a daily occurrence, and that was scaring me... luckily I have some skills to put into play when I start feeling this way, but it doesn't always make the thoughts totally go away. The biggest thing I know Is Too Just Hold On - Everything Changes Eventually, including the way I feel & if I am still here holding on when it changes then I'll get the chance to see that.

I don't know why these thoughts come sometimes and not others. There are a variety of emotions attached... shame, fear, anger, disgust...
Probably thanks to the increase in medication a few weeks ago it's been a few weeks since I started feeling this way.
But then yesterday it started. I spent about an hour last night trying to ring Lifeline but it just kept going to the recorded message that they didn't have anyone available and to phone back. It was almost midnight and I had tried phoning a couple of different people earlier, a family member and someone else. They didn't answer, I am not sure if they saw my number and didn't want to talk to me or not.

I found out last week that if you have a Review lodged with ACC over an issue, you can't take any Legal Action regarding it, it's one or the other. And neither is guaranteed obviously.
I have one thing now with ACC that I first put an Application through for in October 2008, it is still in review now, it's been almost 2 years and still no idea when it will be sorted.
And now I have to try and decide about trying to get a review on their bullshit decision regarding my treatment. Which mean that the small amount of treatment I've had and paid for by borrowing money left, right and center (thinking of course this will get sorted out and the ACC subsidised portion would be able to be paid back) is just forgotten about if I try for the review 'option', or going the Legal way, selling more stuff (clothes and book... bbq... tv) to be able to stand up for myself, and say, that's not ok how you've treated me.

At the beginning of this year I thought of a friend who had been involved (she had cancer) when patients, mainly women I think, were campaigning and asking for Herceptim to be provided or subsidised for the treatment of breast cancer. I actually knew two women who were diagnosed withen 24hours of each other, they subsequently went on to attend alot of their treatment together. BUT at the time, One of them had insurance, and One of them didn't. 'Had-insurance-woman' had her Heceptim paid for by the insurance company, she spent alot of time at home resting, eating Organic Food, playing video games, and watching movies. 'UN-Insured Woman' was constantly on the go, I think working still, she had alot of support but had to go far as fund-raising to get the treatment she needed to save her life. Thankfully through in part due to same brave Women standing up and speaking out, I believe that funding has changed somewhat, and the 'un-insured' are able to access this treatment.

But that's how it felt at the beginning of this year, I felt like I was standing in the eye of a hurricane watching everything tumble and spin around me, dangerous and out of control... and I thought this is how women must have felt when the were diagnosed with breast cancer and they new that they couldn't afford the treatment.

Just because PTSD is not something you can put under a microscope, it doesn't mean it isn't real. It's real for me and I hate what happened to me SO MUCH, and I wish I couldn't remember things that I can... and I wish my therapy would've been able to finish.

I've got know idea if the above will make sense, it either will or I'll look totally pathetic. I don't know any answers right now.

Off The Couch (Quote)

Here is an excerpt from Kyle MacDonald's Latest Blog Post 'Off The Couch'

"Most damning, and most encouraging for the future of Sensitive Claims, is the findings of the legal opinion commissioned by the Review panel which found that the interpretation of the legislation and common law used by ACC to justify these changes (the “aw schucks we can’t do anything, it’s the law” argument) was just plain wrong:


“Thus, while the Court provides some support for the principle that a DSM-IV diagnosis is one authoritative means of establishing “mental injury”, it is stretching the decision beyond its capacity to argue that it supports a legal principle that a DSM-IV diagnosis is the only means of establishing “mental injury.”


Furthermore they go on to roundly criticize the change in application of the definition of causality that has resulted in so many claims being declined:


“As a result, ACC will have to exercise considerable care in declining claims on the basis that the sexual abuse was not the exclusive or sole cause of the mental injury; or that the claimant came from a dysfunctional childhood background and that the sexual abuse was part of that context, and it is therefore not possible to assign a causal link between the sexual abuse and the current mental injury… …Because very little in the experience of life has an exclusive or single cause, it is unrealistic, and seems unduly restrictive and unfair in the context of multiple causes of a claimant’s mental injury, for it to be a requirement that the claimant prove on the balance of probabilities that the sexual abuse constitutes the sole or exclusive cause of the claimant’s mental injury. This seems especially so in the context of childhood sexual abuse, where there is a high likelihood of a generally dysfunctional environment, of which the sexual abuse forms a significant part. It is well established in common law cases of causation that exclusive causation is not required to be proved, and that often a “material contribution” to the injury or a showing of “substantial cause” is sufficient to establish the causal nexus.”


These findings are game changing. They open up the process for a return to a structure that more closely resembles the previous structure than anything else, including counselors once again being able to assess their own clients:


“there seems to be nothing in the legislation ... which would restrict ACC from accepting a clinician without a DSM-IV qualification, as having the necessary clinical training and expertise to provide expert advice on the existence or otherwise of ‘clinically significant behavioural, cognitive, or psychological dysfunction.’”


And:


“It will be important that the Massey Guidelines principles of safety, client focus, and the therapeutic relationship are considered when developing the assessment process. The assessors should themselves be experts who have worked with sexual abuse victims. There will need to be a sufficient workforce so that clients can be assessed without undue delay.”



Implementation is now the name of the game. And ACC are consulting with representatives of the sector now, myself included. The devil will be in the detail, as they say, but at least we now have a document that we can hold ACC accountable to. And that is thanks to all of you, providers and survivors, who put so much work into your submissions. If you haven’t already read the Review Panel report, I suggest you do. It is very validating of all our hard work.


Overall I have struggled throughout this process to know whether all of this madness has been the result of outright incompetence from ACC, or malicious intent. The latter seems evident in stories such as those highlighted in the recent Sunday Star Times expose of the possible involvement of Dr. Felicity Goodyear Smith; the former, namely incompetence, is the tune the review panel plays.

I think I’ve reached the point now where I don’t really care either way. ACC owes New Zealand an apology regardless, and sorry may very well go a long way towards earning back the trust of a very angry and disillusioned sector.

They certainly owe an apology to all those who have suffered, still suffer and some who may have even lost their life, as a direct result of this ill-informed and incompetent little “experiment.”"

Kyle MacDonald is an enlightened soul, who has campaigned tirelessly for victim's rights of fair-care and healing - and he's quite clever too! So you know what, Kyle, you have played a intergral part in shining the light on the truth over this last year, so Bravo! to you, and good on you through all this madness for staying solution focused. You can find his blog by clicking HERE.

Band-Aid Medication

It's just starting to rain, fat & heavy drops. The sky is grey and the wind is howling through the trees outside my window.

So on Thursday last week I realised that I would run out of 2 of my medications in a couple of days, Saturday to be precise. And it's rather important to be precise when it comes to medication for the mentally ill (like me I guess). So I rung one of my treatment provider's, and spoke to the Receptionist and spelt out the names of the Meds, and explained that they would need to be faxed, not posted, because I would need to pick them up either tomorrow or the next day (which was either Friday or Saturday then). My chemist is closed on a Sunday you see, which is fine, there is one across the road that is open 7 days, but they arn't as nice. And for someone like me, who gets the 'High-user Healthcare Card' 2 weeks into the year... and as well some who is well, extra sensitive sometimes, it's nice to have a nice Pharmacist. So I then gave them the Chemist's name, address and fax number (even though I knew it was already in my file somewhere, it's nice to be helpful); And then before I got off the phone, just said again how I only had 2 days worth left (cause I'm an anxious, insecure mess most of the time these days, I may as well be honest).

So late Friday morning I walked up to the Chemist and no scripts had come through for me. That was okay, you know it's actually not all about me, and things don't always happen instantaneously, I had a chat with one of the girls in there about the storm that was meant to be hitting over the weekend. I left saying that I would just come back tomorrow and get it.

So Saturday, the Chemist shuts at 2pm I think, so I have to make sure I get there before that if I am going. And I am, or I was... so I go up, and they don't have any fax scripts for me. Now luckily I know that there is a pretty good chance that I can explain the situation and they may choose to give me enough medication to see me through until Monday. So now I need to start explaining, wondering whether or not 'it's ok', whether I sound like a lying drug seeker, or a person who has run out of their med's and the treatment provider forgot to send the fax. My chest gets very tight. The Pharmacist listens, and then gives me 2 days worth and say's 'See you Monday then'. I walk home, tears streaming down my cheeks from I don't know what, feeling stupid somehow that I can't understand or describe.

So then Monday comes, yesterday. And I am not going to risk ACTUALLY going into the chemist unless that script is there... because it will just be too overwhelming... and then I think that if it will be remembered and faxed, it probably won't happen early in the day, so I wait until 3pm and then phone the chemist and ask if there has been a script come through. No.
Crap.

I've had about 45mins sleep in the last 48hrs and my head is a bit spastic. I rang the chemist today at lunchtime and they still didn't have a fax, and I don't think it's very safe for me to go another 24hours... so I tentatively phone the Receptionist, explain the situation, and ask for the Treatment Provider to phone. That was a few hours ago. So an hour ago I rang the chemist... still nothing... only a couple of hours till closing, starting to panic. I just phoned back and the Receptionist said she just faxed it through.... I asked if there was a message or did they say they were going to call... she didn't think so.

I'm not angry at anyone. All my Treatment Provider's are wonderful people, who time and again have shown compassion and patience towards me, but who are also human, are busy, and surprise surprise - it's not all about me, I know that.

I'm just feeling down about trying to manage a problem with medication that needs more than just the band-aid that med's provide. Sometimes a band-aid is a good thing so healing can have a chance to happen... just feel frustrated with what has happened with my healing.

I have a mental illness, I am clean and in recovery from addiction, but am reliant on meds. I have trust and faith that in my Treatment Provider's, but there are more side-effects to meds than just the physical I guess is what I am trying to say.

Gotta wrap up warm and head out to the chemist now. Molly has been limping lately when it is cold (she was run over about 3 1/2 years ago and her back knee was re-built)... so will leave her at home even though I feel a bit safer when I go out and she is with me - not that she'd probably know how to even do anything to anyone if they tried to hurt me, she is such a wuss!

Hope everyone out there (in my computer) is doing okay, is keeping warm and safe in these trying times.

Nick Smith doesn't bother to answer Annette King re: ACC Sensitive Claims Disaster

An extract from:
Questions and Answers - 14 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010, 5:28 pm
Press Release: Office of the Clerk
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1009/S00215/questions-and-answers-14-september-2010.htm

Accident Compensation Corporation—Performance

4. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Is he satisfied with the performance of ACC?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Generally, yes, I am very satisfied. The Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has made huge progress in reversing years of huge deficits, and has markedly improved rehabilitation rates. The one area that I am not satisfied with is sensitive claims, which make up 0.2 percent of claims. That is why I instigated an independent clinical review of ACC’s processes, and I am pleased with the way that ACC has responded to the clinical panel’s recommendations.

Hon Annette King: What discussions, if any, has he had with ACC in light of the fact that there has been a drop of around 6,250 people getting elective surgery funded through the scheme since he became the Minister, and that, on the current track, that drop could reach 10,000 people by December; and is he concerned about the impact this huge reduction is having on injured New Zealanders?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: In respect of elective surgery, it is true that under the previous Government ACC was funding elective surgery that was not injury-related, and that is why ACC is properly meeting its requirements. The drop in the number of claims in that area is way over the increases in elective surgery that my colleague Tony Ryall has provided for under Vote Health.

Hon Annette King: Has he received correspondence from orthopaedic surgeons like the correspondence that I have here in my hand, which states that 80 percent of patients with shoulder injuries are being refused surgery because of changes made by ACC since he became the Minister, and that when those patients do win on review 4 to 6 months after the accident, they have irreparable damage to their shoulders because of the delay?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, I have received some correspondence from orthopaedic surgeons, and I have met with them. We have a panel—[Interruption] Well, I might get to it, if members take the time to listen. The Government and ACC have ensured that those who are eligible for accident compensation actually get it. When we look at the cases that have been reviewed, we see that under the National Government there has been no change from the position under the previous Government in the number of decisions being overturned. In fact, approximately 80 percent of those decisions are being supported through that review process.

Michael Woodhouse: How has ACC responded to the Canterbury earthquake, and has he been satisfied with that performance?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The corporation has responded very effectively to the Canterbury earthquake. There have been 830 claims lodged for injuries associated with the earthquake, and they are being effectively managed, despite two of the scheme’s three offices in the region being closed for the first week of the civil emergency. The corporation quickly made contact with all 550 serious injury claimants to ensure their well-being over the course of the last week. ACC has deferred collection of accident compensation levies from Canterbury businesses, because they are under pressure. I also note that ACC has made 20 of its staff available to assist the Earthquake Commission, which is under huge pressure with regard to case management. I think that is the sort of cooperation we would want from Government agencies when we face a catastrophe the size of Canterbury’s earthquake.

Hon Annette King: Is he aware that the New Zealand Orthopaedic Association has reviewed the criteria that ACC experts are using to assess shoulder surgery since he became the Minister, and has found that they are grossly simplified and do not take account of the loss of function at the time of the accident; and will he ensure that ACC listens to the association’s advice? After all, they are the real experts.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I certainly accept that orthopaedic surgeons have a very real interest in their patients, but we should not be naive; they also have a very real interest in the fact that ACC pays far more generously for surgery than Vote Health does. It is my view that we need to ensure that decisions about orthopaedic surgery are made by the clinicians, not politicians.

Michael Woodhouse: Mr Speaker—

Hon Annette King: Good Lord!

Michael Woodhouse: I have never been called that.

Mr SPEAKER: I do not think that was at all necessary.

Michael Woodhouse: What is the recent performance of ACC in respect of rehabilitation, and is he satisfied with this performance?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: ACC’s improved performance in rehabilitation rates has been absolutely outstanding. In fact, despite significant declines in 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, over the last year there has been a 3 percent improvement in rehabilitation rates, which means that thousands of New Zealanders are back at work earlier than they would have been under the previous Government. I am surprised that members opposite are so opposed to effective rehabilitation. Those improved rehabilitation rates are one of the reasons that the scheme, rather than losing $2.4 billion in the last full year in which Labour was in office, is now in far more robust financial shape.

Hon Annette King: Has he seen the announcement from the National Foundation for the Deaf 4 days ago that ACC has also got wrong the criteria for workplace hearing injuries, and in light of the fact that it took over a year of clinical and public pressure before the Minister and ACC admitted that the had got wrong the criteria for sensitive claims for sexual abuse, will he listen to their clinicians before any more damage is done to those people who have been denied help?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I have met with the Deaf Association and with the key associations with expertise in audiology. The key element that those organisations accept, which is the Government’s position, is that age is not an accident, and that it is not right that accident compensation pick up the cost of the very substantive bill associated with age-related hearing loss. That is not the function of the scheme

Sigh... I was just speaking with someone and saying that I had finally managed to finish reading the CLINICAL REVIEW OF THE ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMS CLINICAL PATHWAY Report and that I was blown away by the thoroughness of the Panel and the Document. BUT I then said that given my experiences of the last year (or even just the last month!) that I still feel gun shy when it comes to trusting ACC.
So on that note, was disappointed to see that when Annette King gave Nick Smith the opportunity to speak about the Report, Changes, and Healing that needs to happen to do with ACC Sensitive Claims, that as far as I can see he did not attempt to even make mention in his reply.
It feels like a good analogy of Nick Smith's attitude towards Sensitive Claims, not even worth a mention apparently. Shame on you Nick, BUT IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO SAY SORRY AND BEGIN TO MAKE AMENDS - CHANGE MAY BE HARD NICK, BUT IT WON'T BE HARDER THAN WHAT ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMANTS HAVE BEEN THROUGH...

Recommendation 11 of 'Clinical Review of the ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway' Report

The highly anticipated Report from the Panel for 'CLINICAL REVIEW OF THE ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMS CLINICAL PATHWAY' was released yesterday. I haven't as yet read the whole document, I spent about 15 minutes reading it yesterday and was sitting on the couch crying so hard I had to stop, I think in light of and on top of the 'decision' and 'treatment' I've received it was all a bit much. Anything to do with ACC now increases my anxiety and triggers feelings of fear and hopelessness.
But saying that, what I have read so far is EXTREMELY HOPEFUL. It seems as if the Panel have done a wonderful job, and there is much more of a chance now of victims of Sexual Abuse and Rape being able to access the care they need in the future. And in my situation at the moment I am trying to think that writing this blog and going to speak in front of the Panel, and being open with my situation publicly in the Sunday Star Times, even if I am not going to get the care I need, at least it was worth it if it means that future Survivors wanting to get help to help themselves will never have to suffer the indignities and difficulties that I've been put through by ACC.
In light of my blog's purpose, to document openly MY experiences with ACC I'm posting a large portion of my DATA (Diagnostic & Treatment Assessment Report) which I attended at the end of October. After a 2 minute phone call from my Case Manager (Selena Domingaz) at ACC to tell me that I only had 5 remaining sessions of subsidised therapy, and me collapsing when I was out; my wonderful Therapist then got on the case & worked out they'd suddenly 'decided' I'd never had a DATA so they were going to stop my care. My Therapist (recognising the urgency perhaps) went to great lengths to set up a DATA with an ACC Authorised Treatment Provider very quickly.
When reading this keep in mind this from the recent Report:

" Recommendation 11
That a proportion of claimants may be required to undergo an assessment for cover from an assessor who is not their treatment provider before a decision about cover is taken or to review ongoing therapy. These assessors should themselves be experts who have worked with sexual abuse victims and, wherever possible and desired by the client, the client’s usual treatment provider should also be involved in the formal assessment process and in determining appropriate treatment goals and plans."

Page 1


Pages 2-4 contain some quite historic personal information about my actual attacks, so I will list the headings of what is covered on the missing pages:
- Method of Addressing Referral
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Re experiencing the trauma
- Avoidance of Stimuli Associated with the Trauma
- Increased Arousal Symptoms
- Depression
- Past Mental Health History
- Medication
- Family History
- Relationship History
- Mental Status
- Formulation

Page 5


Page 6


Page 7


Page 8


Page 9


Page 10



Hopefully it is all readable! Can someone please let me know? It is really important to me that it is, so if it isn't I will amend this post and ensure it is.

Out of a WHOLE 10 pages there is only 1 SENTENCE referring to 'Segar House' as POSSIBLE extra ON TOP OF and SUPERVISED by the Therapist I was seeing. Yeah, that's right, the 'Highly Qualified and Experienced ACC Assessor' recommended in October 2009 that I remain attending sessions with my therapist then. But of course that is NOT what ACC decided or actioned :(

This is just one of many pieces of Clinical Evidence showing that ACC's actions and decisions around my Sensitive Claim, Care and Treatment decisions over the last 11 months, and up to and including the most recent Letter, have been at best a series of terribly damaging mistakes, and at worst, something I can't fully describe but what feels at times like being treated like 'something to be gotten rid of' through calculated manipulation. It's left me physically, mentally, emotionally and financially broken. Because of me scrambling to try and pay lawyer's fee's & attempting to try and finance the care I need over this time, I am now for the first time in my life up to my neck in debt and that I can't see my way out of. I now can't afford to even get a bus to therapy and back, let alone get my dog the medical (vet) care she needs or pay my rates.
The nightmares are worse than ever.