It's 1.50am in the morning and it's a struggle to keep my eyes open, I have some tea brewing. Even though I have lingering fear (adrenaline probably) pumping round my body I am still so tired and if I went back to lie down know that I could go back to sleep. Need to finish making that cup of tea.
It's these moments that give me conviction. The really scary ones that I make it through, they cement what is going on for me without a doubt and provide me with the desperation to just keep trying, trying for what. Trying to help myself, trying not to hurt myself, blah blah blah... trying to have a better life, a life where I don't have the nightmares that I do, or where they don't have the impact on my life that they do.
There's a place between awake, as in 'OMG (almost pissing myself in fear) THAT was one hell of a nightmare', to another place (I don't know what it's called), when I am in my bed and I can't move - I can hear noises but I am not sure if it is someone in the lounge or the dog and so I go to move, to get up, and I realise that I can't move at all - and then I go to say 'who's there' (a sure thing to get my dog to back and instantly check the house (also I'm hoping jolt me out of paralysis, not only to be able to move, but buy me some time IF that noise is someone in the lounge) - AND THEN I realise that I can't speak either, I am telling my brain, or the message is going through my brain to say it, and there is no movement in my throat or lips... paniced I begin to repeat it again and again...say 'who's there', say 'who's there'! After a minute, 5 minutes or 5 seconds a very quiet 'sssss' emerges from my lips - 'okay, keep going!' I tell myself, 'harder, come on' - eventually after x amount of time a slight whisper of 'sss'there' comes from my lips, at the same time I realise I can move my thumb. It doesn't take long now compared with what has already passed to reach the point where I am able to move both arms (not quite able to move my head yet) when I am able to speak, 'who' in quiet voice emerges, and even through from that first 'awake' moment of coming out of that terrible dreadful nightmare (probably didn't need the descriptive, right, I mean that is like saying really wet water or something I suppose) with all the adrenaline rushing and my heart really feeling like it just my go so fast it stops I decide that I won't rark up my dog to go barking her head off, as any second now I will be able to get up.
So now I am up and awake. Sitting typing at a blog that I started a few months ago, wrote in a few times, and then have been to scared (?!? not sure if that is the right 'feeling word') to look at it again, even open it and write a new post as I am doing now (managed to get to this page without having to read anything else).
I know that I need help. I know that I don't want the quality of life that I have now, I know that I will help myself as much as I can. I know that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to.
I don't feel like typing what my nightmare was about right now, I'm sure (without reviewing any of my posts for awhile even) that there is already some outline of them somewhere on my blog, and if I manage to keep writing, there will probably be more to come.
But what happens for me in the middle of the night, or the very early hours of the morning is hard to describe, is uncomfortable stuff. For me to talk about, for others to hear.
Anyway I need to wrap it up right now. The adrenaline is easing a bit and I can only write for so long before I actually have to start feeling what I am writing and that's where alot of the avoidence of doing this has come in I think. Things are so overwhelming sometimes that even though for many different reasons I crave to put into print words, document what is happening, spell out my feelings and processes, but there is often enough that overwhelms me before I even turn on the computer.
Just a girl, in the world... signing out.
