Auuuuuuggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!
The last week has been pretty rough. I don't know if it is a bit of sunshine today or what, but I think I need to keep documenting this, keep writing.
Today is the first day in a few days that I haven't felt suicidal (feel like that is another 'taboo' word but...). I've mainly been on the couch or in bed just trying to hold on and not do anything stupid to myself. It has been hard trying to work out the 'right' thing to do when everything seems so confusing and foggy.
I don't know how to totally describe how I've been feeling, it's not that I want to die, but I have been having thoughts of not being able to live, if that makes sense. In my head it's been like I am in this holding pattern, this no man's land, feeling like until the 'New Clinical Pathway' and my personal claim review's are processed that I just have to sit and wait while it's felt like part of WHAT I HAD achieved in therapy has crumbled away.
My ability to interact with people has now snowballed out of control. I don't know when it's ok to say what I think and feel or when I should be apoligising. I learnt a long time ago when I first entered recovery that everyone has a different opinion about what I (or you) should or shouldn't be doing, and that there is no way they can all be right or I can keep everyone happy. While I was in therapy I was able to learn and practice skills to be able take the bits that were best for me and take a quiet step back from the rest. I remember getting better and better at doing this, and in turn the relationships in my life, the interactions I had with people became better, more satisfying, calmer.
So the few interactions I've been having with people haven't been so good for the most part. I know I am overtired, messy in thought, invariably trying to make things better has been making them worse.
BUT I am going to be brave and have asked someone to come with me to the supermarket tomorrow. It has been years since I haven't been able to go to the supermarket by myself (is that a double negative?) but now seems to be the way it is for awhile. But there you go.
I was very kindly visited today by my local Labour MP, she came for a cup of tea and a chat. I tried not to talk her ear off, but just talked with her asking if there was perhaps some community services locally that I am not-so-far aware of and that I maybe able to get a little help from with various bits and stuff, even if it isn't 'specialist' care so to speak for rehabilitation from my trauma, just some help to keep my day-to-day living a bit more manageable, keep my head above water, and not get so low. I got a chance to say how things had been for me, she was very kind with the time she spent with me and it sounds like she might be able to help point me towards a couple of helpful more short-term things, I'm not having any expectations about it BUT I felt really heard today, and with all the written invalidation from ACC over the last 6 months validation is like a eco-friendly bottle of ice cold water in the middle of the desert!
At best the earliest 'results' from any of my ACC reviews looks like August/Sept or later, so I can't just tread water by myself for that whole gap from now until then, so I've got to keep reaching out even though sometimes it feels hard and uncomfortable.
Just for today I've been able to 'act as if', as if I feel up to helping myself when maybe I want to just curl into a ball in a quiet place.
If anyone else needs to know I've received an email regarding the Review of the New ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway, and I quote the following -
"The review panel welcome submissions on the Clinical Pathway.
Could you send this care of ClinicalPathwayReviewSubmissions@researchnz.com
or send by post to the following address: PO Box 1039 Wellington (Key St)."
Apparently the Review Panel are accepting both written, audio, and video submissions. I'm not sure of the date that they are required by, as I said above it's been a tough week and I haven't really been aware of that much. I am hoping that I'll work out how I should submit something appropriate for the Review Panel.
No this is totally off-topic, but check out this story I saw on the news tonight by clicking HERE, I got this warm fuzzy feeling (and maybe a tear) and the intensity of the mother's love, and the humility of the rescuer in this report.
I really, really want for things to get better than they have been lately, so I am doing ALL that I can to help myself. (but phew!)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Last Post
My neighbor's house just got broken into and robbed, sometime over the last 24hours. They were away, not there, and the front door has been smashed in and stuff stolen. We are down a right-of-way, a private drive, so to be able to see who is home or not you would need to come all the way down. Maybe the fact that I have all the lights on all night saved it from being my place they broke into.
I don't think I am going to write in this blog anymore, I think over the last month with making this blog public, being on twitter, and doing that article I have tried to convey 'how thing's are' as best as I can. I don't think it's a good idea for me to keep blogging intimate details of my disfunction. Firstly I am having trouble writing anyway, and I don't want to sound like a broken record either. I also don't want to do more harm than good by giving the impression to other's out there that may be survivors of sexual abuse or trauma that 'where I am' is 'how it's meant to be' or 'where you have to end up' by choosing to be honest about something that may have happened.
Thank you for the support and kindness of those who have read it though, and I am going to leave it all online so that maybe if ACC want to see the effects of how they handled my claim they can have a look. I just want to make it clear as well that there is a difference between me holding ACC accountable for the choices and behaviour around my care and claim AND me blaming ACC for how things are for me. One of the most important things that I have gleaned through my journey of recovery that no matter what it is there is no point in BLAME. I am not up to totally explaining this right now, but there is a difference between the two, but accountability and blame are very different.
There is much more documentation (that I wanted to be able to put up here) from ACC that does not show the way they have treated me in a favourable light, some of it is disgusting actually. When I requested my case file in October and finally received it weeks later I was going through one of there assessments and scrawled on the side in pencil were the notes from one of ACC's top attack dog Psychiatrists 'perhaps she is re-writing history'. Even now I feel like I have been punched in the stomach every time I re-read it or think of it. The only way they/this person could have gone further would have been to write 'Danielle is a lying little slut', cause it pretty much felt like that was what was written.
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing, right!
I don't understand what is going on right now in my life, but there have been times when bad things have happened before, I am not religious but I do believe in a Higher Power & I do my best to believe that my Higher Power is a caring one rather than a vengeful one (with the hope that when these things happen that it is not because I am being punished in some way, or am deserving of punishment). These are a few words that I say to myself in the dark times and the good.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Take my will and my life
Guide me my recovery
And show me how to live
If you haven't seen Sicko I recommend watching, and I hope and pray that this is not becoming applicable in New Zealand.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual abuse, sexual trauma or rape a really good place to start is with New Zealand Rape Crisis, or with Sexual Abuse HELP, I find it hard to believe in this day and age, but I know the first time I was raped and beaten that the Police asked me if I wanted to try and go to Women's Refuge, but beyond that for a long time I didn't have any idea that there was anyone that I could talk to about what had happened to me.
If you want to help click HERE, or HERE, or HERE, or HERE.
I don't think I am going to write in this blog anymore, I think over the last month with making this blog public, being on twitter, and doing that article I have tried to convey 'how thing's are' as best as I can. I don't think it's a good idea for me to keep blogging intimate details of my disfunction. Firstly I am having trouble writing anyway, and I don't want to sound like a broken record either. I also don't want to do more harm than good by giving the impression to other's out there that may be survivors of sexual abuse or trauma that 'where I am' is 'how it's meant to be' or 'where you have to end up' by choosing to be honest about something that may have happened.
Thank you for the support and kindness of those who have read it though, and I am going to leave it all online so that maybe if ACC want to see the effects of how they handled my claim they can have a look. I just want to make it clear as well that there is a difference between me holding ACC accountable for the choices and behaviour around my care and claim AND me blaming ACC for how things are for me. One of the most important things that I have gleaned through my journey of recovery that no matter what it is there is no point in BLAME. I am not up to totally explaining this right now, but there is a difference between the two, but accountability and blame are very different.
There is much more documentation (that I wanted to be able to put up here) from ACC that does not show the way they have treated me in a favourable light, some of it is disgusting actually. When I requested my case file in October and finally received it weeks later I was going through one of there assessments and scrawled on the side in pencil were the notes from one of ACC's top attack dog Psychiatrists 'perhaps she is re-writing history'. Even now I feel like I have been punched in the stomach every time I re-read it or think of it. The only way they/this person could have gone further would have been to write 'Danielle is a lying little slut', cause it pretty much felt like that was what was written.
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing, right!
I don't understand what is going on right now in my life, but there have been times when bad things have happened before, I am not religious but I do believe in a Higher Power & I do my best to believe that my Higher Power is a caring one rather than a vengeful one (with the hope that when these things happen that it is not because I am being punished in some way, or am deserving of punishment). These are a few words that I say to myself in the dark times and the good.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Take my will and my life
Guide me my recovery
And show me how to live
If you haven't seen Sicko I recommend watching, and I hope and pray that this is not becoming applicable in New Zealand.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual abuse, sexual trauma or rape a really good place to start is with New Zealand Rape Crisis, or with Sexual Abuse HELP, I find it hard to believe in this day and age, but I know the first time I was raped and beaten that the Police asked me if I wanted to try and go to Women's Refuge, but beyond that for a long time I didn't have any idea that there was anyone that I could talk to about what had happened to me.
If you want to help click HERE, or HERE, or HERE, or HERE.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
BLUE
The last time I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims was on the 5 May 2010, I rang them feeling pretty desperate, really desperate actually. After an hour on the phone with them speaking to several different managers and looking at my file was "all that we can give you is the number for the Presbyterian Church Services"
I am listening to the "Nutter's Club" on RadioLive, it's a great show, doing great things for the community.
I managed to take Molly (my dog) out for a walk today, do a load of washing, some cleaning and even made something to eat. I know enough to be able to force myself to do the simple things acting 'as-if', the things that I should be doing 'as-if' I am ok.
But I don't feel ok. It's Monday tomorrow, I feel like my existence is pretty pointless, is hopeless. I know that when I am given the tools to help myself that I work really hard, but I am not sure where and how I am meant to help myself.
It's dark out and when the radio goes off the images going round and round in my head will be there. I swear when I have the nightmares of re-living of the rapes I experienced that I can feel it physically in my body. Somebody told me once that the brain doesn't know the difference between experiencing things when you are awake and asleep, so that there is part of my body that is living through it again.
I know how lucky I am that I have a place to lay my head tonight, I know what it is like to sleep under a tree in the middle of winter and I am not there now, but I know that there are people out there who can't even get warm tonight and will go to sleep hungry.
I am wondering if I need to try and face the fact that I will never have any more therapy, never see my therapist again, never have a chance to finish talking about what happened, or will never get the help 'practicing' to live the way that I was doing.
I still feel very blue.
I am listening to the "Nutter's Club" on RadioLive, it's a great show, doing great things for the community.
I managed to take Molly (my dog) out for a walk today, do a load of washing, some cleaning and even made something to eat. I know enough to be able to force myself to do the simple things acting 'as-if', the things that I should be doing 'as-if' I am ok.
But I don't feel ok. It's Monday tomorrow, I feel like my existence is pretty pointless, is hopeless. I know that when I am given the tools to help myself that I work really hard, but I am not sure where and how I am meant to help myself.
It's dark out and when the radio goes off the images going round and round in my head will be there. I swear when I have the nightmares of re-living of the rapes I experienced that I can feel it physically in my body. Somebody told me once that the brain doesn't know the difference between experiencing things when you are awake and asleep, so that there is part of my body that is living through it again.
I know how lucky I am that I have a place to lay my head tonight, I know what it is like to sleep under a tree in the middle of winter and I am not there now, but I know that there are people out there who can't even get warm tonight and will go to sleep hungry.
I am wondering if I need to try and face the fact that I will never have any more therapy, never see my therapist again, never have a chance to finish talking about what happened, or will never get the help 'practicing' to live the way that I was doing.
I still feel very blue.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Broken bits
I feel really sad and down today. I'm scared to go to sleep and have to wake up crying and scared. I think that because my face must get so hot with the distress of crying while I am asleep sometimes when I wake up my nose is bleeding and my face and pillow are covered in blood, I know how disgusting that is. I am tired and frustrated at myself. I am second guessing every thought that I have. The thoughts and images in my head about the stuff I don't even want to write about now won't go away. I haven't used alcohol or other drugs, or even cut myself. I know that these things will provide some temporary relief, but they won't really help anything, and create even more problems. I know that there are so many people out there today with problems much worse than mine but me trying to get some perspective on that doesn't seem to be helping today. I can't focus on watching tv or reading a book very well, find myself disassociating and suddenly realise that 5, 10 or 20 minutes have suddenly passed. Me speaking out with the article last week, starting this blog and then making it public, hasn't been a case of me gathering steam to stand up for 'the issue' around 'people like me' being able to access help, it's been trying to document it, explain it in a way that might explain the difference that the right support can mean in someone's life.
It's getting harder and harder to try and keep reaching out for help when alot of the time I'm either met with rejection or invalidation.
And I'm so tired all the time, with I know doesn't make things physically or emotionally easier.
It hurts inside, there is this ache that makes my chest tight, makes it hard to breathe.
I spoke to someone on the phone today that I really care about and a few minutes into the conversation I said something, one word that this person then said 'are you accusing me of lying', I was like, no way at all and tried to explain what I had meant, the conversation had not been heated in any way, but they said that they needed a coffee and hung up on me.
I am not even able to think carefully or clearly enough to not upset or offend those I love and care for. That's one of the worst part of all this I think, is being such a burden on people I care about and more often than not since I haven't been in therapy not being able to 'keep it together' socially or even in one on one communication and knowing that I can't bring anything to the relationship, am unable to 'pull myself together' at times to interact with people. After everything I've experienced, like the pain and fear, I OF ALL PEOPLE do and should know and be able to take care with the effects of my actions, words, behaviour and being on others, so as not to cause harm or difficulty. It disgusts me how the broken bits inside of me spill out of me and infect everything.
I hate how pathetic I sound and I hate how much it hurts inside.
It's getting harder and harder to try and keep reaching out for help when alot of the time I'm either met with rejection or invalidation.
And I'm so tired all the time, with I know doesn't make things physically or emotionally easier.
It hurts inside, there is this ache that makes my chest tight, makes it hard to breathe.
I spoke to someone on the phone today that I really care about and a few minutes into the conversation I said something, one word that this person then said 'are you accusing me of lying', I was like, no way at all and tried to explain what I had meant, the conversation had not been heated in any way, but they said that they needed a coffee and hung up on me.
I am not even able to think carefully or clearly enough to not upset or offend those I love and care for. That's one of the worst part of all this I think, is being such a burden on people I care about and more often than not since I haven't been in therapy not being able to 'keep it together' socially or even in one on one communication and knowing that I can't bring anything to the relationship, am unable to 'pull myself together' at times to interact with people. After everything I've experienced, like the pain and fear, I OF ALL PEOPLE do and should know and be able to take care with the effects of my actions, words, behaviour and being on others, so as not to cause harm or difficulty. It disgusts me how the broken bits inside of me spill out of me and infect everything.
I hate how pathetic I sound and I hate how much it hurts inside.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Private (unless you say please?!?)
The following is a follow up account involving documentation of the as yet still unresolved Privacy Breach by ACC of my Sensitive Claim and some narrative of how I have attempted to cope with it.
From 23 October 2009 to 9 November 2009 I was ringing and emailing every other day to try to get someone to even just discuss the HUGE breach of my privacy, releasing my PERSONAL CLINICAL information to someone, and then having on-going email discussions with them regarding ME. (Please see my blog post from 26 October 2009 for exact copies)
Initially all I wanted (and didn't even comprehend would be difficult to obtain) was an apology regarding the BIG MISTAKE in not only releasing my information, but an acknowledgement that the clinical information was in fact incorrect, and also a fairly heartfelt assurance that my information (some of if you can imagine very, very personal) is in fact 'safe & secure' with ACC.
After phoning repeatedly, literally being on hold for hours, none of my emails about this being answered or the several from my therapist regarding this also going unanswered. On the morning of 9 November 2009 I finally got a call from a man called James who told me he was Kimberliegh O'hara's boss. I had spent OVER 2 HOURS that morning on the phone to Sensitive Claims/ACC trying to get someone who could speak to me regarding this Privacy Breach. Ms O'hara was there but would not take my calls, I had once again explained the situation to the operator, but they had no knowledge or understanding of what I was referring to and was 'not allowed' to give me their email address for me to forward copies (from ACC originally) of the emails clearly displaying the breach of privacy.
So when I spoke to James I said if he could email me an apology clearly acknowledging that my privacy had been breached when they responded to a private individuals email inquiry about me, and not only responded several times but also engaged in discussion passing on Clinical Information, and in addition to the apology an assurance that greater care would be taken with my personal information in the future. He assured me that he would do this. I was speaking to him on my mobile phone having just left my GP's office where I had been seeing her in a high state of distress trying to understand, cope and stay safe around ACC's mismanagement and unsafe practices around my treatment and care.
Below is the apology I recieved about an hour later.
"Apology
From: James Du Plessis (James.DuPlessis@acc.co.nz)
Sent: Monday, 9 November 2009 2:52:17 a.m.
To: Danielle
Cc: Selena Dominguez (Selena.Dominguez@acc.co.nz)
Dear Danielle,
Thank you for our discussion over the phone today. I do take on board your concerns regarding the disclosure of information to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' from 'CONCERNED FRIEND'S PLACE OF WORK'. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' wrote several emotionally charged emails to ACC regarding the perceived lack of care for you from ACC. He stated that he was greatly concerned for your well-being, which prompted us to respond accordingly. It was also noted that 'CONCERNED FRIEND' was cc'd in your emails sent to the Case Manager, and this provided contextual background to the subsequent reply.
We pointed out to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' that we have not been neglecting your care, which currently stands at 280 counselling sessions, and informed him that a Diagnostic and Treatment Assessment has been arranged so as to ensure your future treatment rehabilitation needs are being met. This was done within the context of his email to demonstrate that we were indeed concerned for your well-being and continued care.
I understand you are not happy with me telling him this, and for that I do apologise. We will ensure that no further details about your care be communicated to 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.
With regards to your ongoing treatment I can advise that your DATA report is currently being reviewed by our clinical peer review team. A communication with the outcome will be forwarded to you in the next few days.
Once again I do apologise if I have caused you any undue stress in my communications with 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.
Kind regards
James du Plessis
Project and Services Manager|ACC | PO Box 1426 | Wellington | New Zealand"
This sounded to me more like a justification than an apology, which didn't do much to assure me it wouldn't happen again, I know lots of people that work in the health sector does this mean if they email ACC with questions about me that they will be relayed information?
I was disappointed to say the least, I wasn't looking to crucify anyone personally. ALL I WANTED WAS TO KNOW THAT MY INFORMATION WITHEN THE SENSITIVE CLAIMS UNIT WAS SAFE. IF 'ACC' THINKS THAT IT'S OK TO EMAIL PRIVATE CLINICAL INFORMATION TO ANYONE WHO EMAILS THEM ABOUT ME THEN WE OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT HOW MY INFORMATION IS MEANT TO BE HANDLED.
I was totally panicing and thinking that if my information is not safe there then what do I do, am I meant to request it all be removed from their possession.
So it was at this point that I realised that my simple request of acknowledgement of mistake and an apology was not something that seemed could be obtained by either myself or my therapist. The distress I was experiencing about this was quite intense and so I engaged a lawyer to try and get this sorted out, I guess if it had been something similar from my plumber I wouldn't have felt quite so anxious as I did about this organisation that held copies of therapist's notes, medical records etc, all pertaining to events and effects of the most shameful experiences in my life & my continuing journey of recovery.
This letter was sent by my lawyer in the last week of November:
"The Manager
Sensitive Claims Unit
ACC
PO Box 1426
WELLINGTON
Attention James Du Plessis
DANIELLE MARTIN
We have been instructed to act on behalf of Danielle Martin. We understand Danielle’s Case Manager is Selena Dominguez.
Ms Martin has instructed us that ACC (specifically Kimberleigh O’Hara and Selena Dominguez) have disclosed sensitive and personal information in relation to her care and treatment to a personal friend of hers, 'CONCERNED FRIEND', without her consent and then continued discussions with him following his response. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' clearly disclosed in the email that he was a personal friend of hers therefore there can be no confusion that he was acting in any other capacity.
We have also received the email from Mr Du Plessis to our client dated 9 November 2009 offering further reasons of why the information was disclosed. This is not acceptable. ACC has clear obligations in relation to the disclosure of personal information.
Accordingly, ACC has breached the Privacy Act and in particular information privacy principle 11. As you are aware, our client is a high risk client and this breach has caused her significant harm and distress.
Ms Martin instructs that she seeks an apology for the breach of her privacy. The email provided by Mr Du Plessis does not go far enough. Ms Martin requires a formal written apology directly to her from ACC acknowledging the wrongdoing in disclosing her personal information to a person who is not involved with her care or treatment plan without her authorisation. ACC is also required to apologise for the unnecessary stress and harm she has suffered as a result of this breach.
Our client also requires confirmation that no further personal information concerning her will be disclosed to anyone other than those professionals involved in her care and treatment without her formal consent.
If our client does not receive an appropriate apology, she will consider reporting this breach to the office of the Privacy Commissioner.
Please ensure the apology is sent to our office so we can provide this to our client."
There was also a paragraph added requesting as a show of good faith on ACC's part, considering my previous extended efforts at sorting this out myself if ACC contribute $500 toward my legal fees (trust me, only a portion of the costs).
My Lawyer received an email from Sue Walker (Branch Manager, ACC Sensitive Claims) acknowledging receipt of this letter on 11 December 2009.
Then I was forward the following from my lawyer (that they had received from ACC):
Dear 'DANIELLE'S LAWYER'
"Re: Danielle Martin
Thank you for your letter 04 December 2009, advising that you act for Danielle Martin. You advise in your letter that you wish for ACC to pay compensation for a breach of her privacy and also for legal costs in bringing this matter to ACC’s attention.
ACC takes its responsibilities regarding the security of personal information it has been entrusted with very seriously. Therefore, I would like to extend my personal apology for the breach of Ms Martin’s privacy by one of my staff.
Whilst ACC has accepted that there has been a breach of privacy the Privacy Act 1993 requires that you show how this breach has interfered with her privacy. The Act states that an action is only an interference with the privacy of an individual if, and only if it has caused loss, detriment, damage, or injury to that individual, or has resulted in, significant humiliation, significant loss of dignity, or significant injury to feelings.
Therefore, it would be helpful if you could outline the information that you consider to be at issue, how the release of this information has interfered with Ms Martin’s privacy, the effect it has had on her personally, and what you would consider to be an appropriate remedy.
I look forward to receiving your response in the near future.
Yours sincerely
Sue Walker
Manager of Sensitive Claims"
So now, if in fact you are still reading this incredibly long blog post, you will see that after much ado there has been some acknowledgement by ACC. In the meantime I am required to write some sort of document proving and showing and outlining the distress etc.
And I haven't been able to do it.
My Lawyer requested that the above email be sent as a hard copy letter, and signed. (just to show a wee bit of respect to me maybe)
This 'different version' was what came via my lawyer 2 weeks later:
Hopefully that is readable, I'm not sure how to make it any bigger on here.
The bit that upsets me the most in this document, apart from the fact Sue Walker didn't want to sign her name to the bullying words in the first 'email apology' from her, is "formally apoligise for the breach of privacy regarding disclosing information to a Provider that was a personal friend of yours". WTF??? So what that he works in the mental health field. Why after all this, weeks of me phoning Sensitive Claims in tears asking what was going on for them to deny that these emails they had sent even existed, and then for me to have to get a lawyer to ask for an apology, because I'm just some girl, or some woman, that they don't even have to return my calls, or answer my therapists emails about this issue, and then when there is FINALLY some sort of apology they still can't just be straight up about it AND want PROOF of 'damaged caused'.
A) I was not and have not had any therapeutic support to be able to do something like that safely.
B) By the end of December I realised that it didn't matter how much I believed what was going on with my Privacy, care and treatment decisions with ACC was wrong and unethical there was no way that I could pay any further legal fees to continue pursuing the matter in this way.
So is my information safe there?
Hopefully the auction I currently have on Trademe will end up being successful and I will be able to pay the remainder of the Legal bills I incurred just to get that acknowledgement.
This whole thing doesn't feel resolved for me, I still believe I should follow through with this process, and it has been something that I have touched base around with my (wonderful but overworked) Advocate (that I have had since the beginning of this year).
Why in such a difficult time has the organisation involved in my care added to the problem rather than wanting to be with me in the solution.
After a clear violatin of someone Privacy who would really ask a survivior of trauma to provide proof of difficulties associated with that Breach (knowing and being part of the reason that she currently then as now had no therapeutic-support).
Obviously it has been hard for me to prioritise writing the 'proof' ACC require when I am as depressed and alone with my nightmares as I am right now.
Just a girl, in the world, signing out.
From 23 October 2009 to 9 November 2009 I was ringing and emailing every other day to try to get someone to even just discuss the HUGE breach of my privacy, releasing my PERSONAL CLINICAL information to someone, and then having on-going email discussions with them regarding ME. (Please see my blog post from 26 October 2009 for exact copies)
Initially all I wanted (and didn't even comprehend would be difficult to obtain) was an apology regarding the BIG MISTAKE in not only releasing my information, but an acknowledgement that the clinical information was in fact incorrect, and also a fairly heartfelt assurance that my information (some of if you can imagine very, very personal) is in fact 'safe & secure' with ACC.
After phoning repeatedly, literally being on hold for hours, none of my emails about this being answered or the several from my therapist regarding this also going unanswered. On the morning of 9 November 2009 I finally got a call from a man called James who told me he was Kimberliegh O'hara's boss. I had spent OVER 2 HOURS that morning on the phone to Sensitive Claims/ACC trying to get someone who could speak to me regarding this Privacy Breach. Ms O'hara was there but would not take my calls, I had once again explained the situation to the operator, but they had no knowledge or understanding of what I was referring to and was 'not allowed' to give me their email address for me to forward copies (from ACC originally) of the emails clearly displaying the breach of privacy.
So when I spoke to James I said if he could email me an apology clearly acknowledging that my privacy had been breached when they responded to a private individuals email inquiry about me, and not only responded several times but also engaged in discussion passing on Clinical Information, and in addition to the apology an assurance that greater care would be taken with my personal information in the future. He assured me that he would do this. I was speaking to him on my mobile phone having just left my GP's office where I had been seeing her in a high state of distress trying to understand, cope and stay safe around ACC's mismanagement and unsafe practices around my treatment and care.
Below is the apology I recieved about an hour later.
"Apology
From: James Du Plessis (James.DuPlessis@acc.co.nz)
Sent: Monday, 9 November 2009 2:52:17 a.m.
To: Danielle
Cc: Selena Dominguez (Selena.Dominguez@acc.co.nz)
Dear Danielle,
Thank you for our discussion over the phone today. I do take on board your concerns regarding the disclosure of information to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' from 'CONCERNED FRIEND'S PLACE OF WORK'. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' wrote several emotionally charged emails to ACC regarding the perceived lack of care for you from ACC. He stated that he was greatly concerned for your well-being, which prompted us to respond accordingly. It was also noted that 'CONCERNED FRIEND' was cc'd in your emails sent to the Case Manager, and this provided contextual background to the subsequent reply.
We pointed out to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' that we have not been neglecting your care, which currently stands at 280 counselling sessions, and informed him that a Diagnostic and Treatment Assessment has been arranged so as to ensure your future treatment rehabilitation needs are being met. This was done within the context of his email to demonstrate that we were indeed concerned for your well-being and continued care.
I understand you are not happy with me telling him this, and for that I do apologise. We will ensure that no further details about your care be communicated to 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.
With regards to your ongoing treatment I can advise that your DATA report is currently being reviewed by our clinical peer review team. A communication with the outcome will be forwarded to you in the next few days.
Once again I do apologise if I have caused you any undue stress in my communications with 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.
Kind regards
James du Plessis
Project and Services Manager|ACC | PO Box 1426 | Wellington | New Zealand"
This sounded to me more like a justification than an apology, which didn't do much to assure me it wouldn't happen again, I know lots of people that work in the health sector does this mean if they email ACC with questions about me that they will be relayed information?
I was disappointed to say the least, I wasn't looking to crucify anyone personally. ALL I WANTED WAS TO KNOW THAT MY INFORMATION WITHEN THE SENSITIVE CLAIMS UNIT WAS SAFE. IF 'ACC' THINKS THAT IT'S OK TO EMAIL PRIVATE CLINICAL INFORMATION TO ANYONE WHO EMAILS THEM ABOUT ME THEN WE OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT HOW MY INFORMATION IS MEANT TO BE HANDLED.
I was totally panicing and thinking that if my information is not safe there then what do I do, am I meant to request it all be removed from their possession.
So it was at this point that I realised that my simple request of acknowledgement of mistake and an apology was not something that seemed could be obtained by either myself or my therapist. The distress I was experiencing about this was quite intense and so I engaged a lawyer to try and get this sorted out, I guess if it had been something similar from my plumber I wouldn't have felt quite so anxious as I did about this organisation that held copies of therapist's notes, medical records etc, all pertaining to events and effects of the most shameful experiences in my life & my continuing journey of recovery.
This letter was sent by my lawyer in the last week of November:
"The Manager
Sensitive Claims Unit
ACC
PO Box 1426
WELLINGTON
Attention James Du Plessis
DANIELLE MARTIN
We have been instructed to act on behalf of Danielle Martin. We understand Danielle’s Case Manager is Selena Dominguez.
Ms Martin has instructed us that ACC (specifically Kimberleigh O’Hara and Selena Dominguez) have disclosed sensitive and personal information in relation to her care and treatment to a personal friend of hers, 'CONCERNED FRIEND', without her consent and then continued discussions with him following his response. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' clearly disclosed in the email that he was a personal friend of hers therefore there can be no confusion that he was acting in any other capacity.
We have also received the email from Mr Du Plessis to our client dated 9 November 2009 offering further reasons of why the information was disclosed. This is not acceptable. ACC has clear obligations in relation to the disclosure of personal information.
Accordingly, ACC has breached the Privacy Act and in particular information privacy principle 11. As you are aware, our client is a high risk client and this breach has caused her significant harm and distress.
Ms Martin instructs that she seeks an apology for the breach of her privacy. The email provided by Mr Du Plessis does not go far enough. Ms Martin requires a formal written apology directly to her from ACC acknowledging the wrongdoing in disclosing her personal information to a person who is not involved with her care or treatment plan without her authorisation. ACC is also required to apologise for the unnecessary stress and harm she has suffered as a result of this breach.
Our client also requires confirmation that no further personal information concerning her will be disclosed to anyone other than those professionals involved in her care and treatment without her formal consent.
If our client does not receive an appropriate apology, she will consider reporting this breach to the office of the Privacy Commissioner.
Please ensure the apology is sent to our office so we can provide this to our client."
There was also a paragraph added requesting as a show of good faith on ACC's part, considering my previous extended efforts at sorting this out myself if ACC contribute $500 toward my legal fees (trust me, only a portion of the costs).
My Lawyer received an email from Sue Walker (Branch Manager, ACC Sensitive Claims) acknowledging receipt of this letter on 11 December 2009.
Then I was forward the following from my lawyer (that they had received from ACC):
Dear 'DANIELLE'S LAWYER'
"Re: Danielle Martin
Thank you for your letter 04 December 2009, advising that you act for Danielle Martin. You advise in your letter that you wish for ACC to pay compensation for a breach of her privacy and also for legal costs in bringing this matter to ACC’s attention.
ACC takes its responsibilities regarding the security of personal information it has been entrusted with very seriously. Therefore, I would like to extend my personal apology for the breach of Ms Martin’s privacy by one of my staff.
Whilst ACC has accepted that there has been a breach of privacy the Privacy Act 1993 requires that you show how this breach has interfered with her privacy. The Act states that an action is only an interference with the privacy of an individual if, and only if it has caused loss, detriment, damage, or injury to that individual, or has resulted in, significant humiliation, significant loss of dignity, or significant injury to feelings.
Therefore, it would be helpful if you could outline the information that you consider to be at issue, how the release of this information has interfered with Ms Martin’s privacy, the effect it has had on her personally, and what you would consider to be an appropriate remedy.
I look forward to receiving your response in the near future.
Yours sincerely
Sue Walker
Manager of Sensitive Claims"
So now, if in fact you are still reading this incredibly long blog post, you will see that after much ado there has been some acknowledgement by ACC. In the meantime I am required to write some sort of document proving and showing and outlining the distress etc.
And I haven't been able to do it.
My Lawyer requested that the above email be sent as a hard copy letter, and signed. (just to show a wee bit of respect to me maybe)
This 'different version' was what came via my lawyer 2 weeks later:
Hopefully that is readable, I'm not sure how to make it any bigger on here.
The bit that upsets me the most in this document, apart from the fact Sue Walker didn't want to sign her name to the bullying words in the first 'email apology' from her, is "formally apoligise for the breach of privacy regarding disclosing information to a Provider that was a personal friend of yours". WTF??? So what that he works in the mental health field. Why after all this, weeks of me phoning Sensitive Claims in tears asking what was going on for them to deny that these emails they had sent even existed, and then for me to have to get a lawyer to ask for an apology, because I'm just some girl, or some woman, that they don't even have to return my calls, or answer my therapists emails about this issue, and then when there is FINALLY some sort of apology they still can't just be straight up about it AND want PROOF of 'damaged caused'.
A) I was not and have not had any therapeutic support to be able to do something like that safely.
B) By the end of December I realised that it didn't matter how much I believed what was going on with my Privacy, care and treatment decisions with ACC was wrong and unethical there was no way that I could pay any further legal fees to continue pursuing the matter in this way.
So is my information safe there?
Hopefully the auction I currently have on Trademe will end up being successful and I will be able to pay the remainder of the Legal bills I incurred just to get that acknowledgement.
This whole thing doesn't feel resolved for me, I still believe I should follow through with this process, and it has been something that I have touched base around with my (wonderful but overworked) Advocate (that I have had since the beginning of this year).
Why in such a difficult time has the organisation involved in my care added to the problem rather than wanting to be with me in the solution.
After a clear violatin of someone Privacy who would really ask a survivior of trauma to provide proof of difficulties associated with that Breach (knowing and being part of the reason that she currently then as now had no therapeutic-support).
Obviously it has been hard for me to prioritise writing the 'proof' ACC require when I am as depressed and alone with my nightmares as I am right now.
Just a girl, in the world, signing out.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Brief Reply.
Okay, I am not feeling particularly 'together' right now. So this will just be a couple of statements from me. As usual there will be more I could and probably want to say.
- Out of the '20' or so counselors, psychiatrists, therapists etc that I 'went through' before finding the truly amazing treatment providers that I had been seeing , ONLY TWO OF THESE had ANYTHING to do with ACC or my Sensitive Claim. Obviously the first person in 2000 that put through my claim and I only saw her once or twice after that initial visit. And one other. As you would be able to see from other information in my blog posts I have been through many different avenues, both through public and private services. So the remainder of the '20' different people were paid for by myself (up to $350 an hour for one of them) or were someone like a Psychiatrist on duty doing an psychiatric assessment when I ended up in hospital after a pretty serious suicide attempt (a few years ago BEFORE I engaged in the effective and productive therapy I was engaged in). Can't really be bothered saying more on the subject, except irrelevant of the medical practitioners name does anyone say 'right there joe blogs, now don't you think you've had enough chemo and radiation treatment' (spoken in the same tone as speaking to a greedy child).
- I would also like to make clear that my ACC SUBSIDISED therapy has always been just that, SUBSIDISED, therefore a portion of the financial cost with me also paying a portion of every session also.
- Many thanks to the supportive or understanding blog comments, twitter comments, and other messages I have received since the article was put out in the Sunday Star Times. I DEEPLY APPRECIATE the support. I know that public opinion can be fickle and there will be people that either do not understand or have a negative judgement on me and my story. The biggest point of the story needs to be that you can remove my name and the specific details and it is the reality for many kiwis today. There are people out there who have been raped in the last week who cannot access help to deal with this right now. I implore anyone who may not agree with me speaking out and trying to access help now to at least stay open and see the bigger picture with this issue.
I'm planning on publishing some more of the correspondence from ACC on my blog over the next 24 hours. For now I am practising my 'safety skills'. Tuesday night tv is always helpful (monday night telly not so great!) I have been on the phone to the crisis team about an hour ago, and even though there is some difficulty for me talking to a stranger if I am still distressed later on I will phone lifeline. It is my responsibility to do everything possible to stay safe.
- Lastly (for now) I unfortunately do not have control over the effects of my PTSD. I was getting better, now I'm not so good but I don't want to give up just yet. I know it might be hard to understand if you haven't been through trauma or have no understanding of what it is like to be raped and tortured, if you think I am being dramatic then have a think about what someone would have to do to me to require a doctor to have to remove an item driven so far against my cervix that there was no way it could be removed without medical assistance. I am not choosing to dwell on those events. I am constantly trying to live in the solution, I don't understand why I get to relive these events when I go to sleep. I know that in some countries that if people, especially women get raped they risk there own lives if they let people know. Maybe it is too much to ask in New Zealand for me to get assistance with the effects of these events. BUT it's not okay for ACC to try and say that the best thing for me CLINICALLY is actually what is best for them FINANCIALLY.
Phew. As usual heavy blog. I know I probably sound defensive, probably cause I'm feeling that way, and I am endevouring to be as honest as possible here.
Oh, and Dr Peter Jensen, I also don't particularly want to go to Rainbows End either (re: Segar House), doesn't mean that it doesn't make some people happy, isn't a good place or there arn't wonderful people that work there etc. It just means that I would like my well-being and treatment decisions to be the best and most appropriate for my symptoms and condition. I am also pretty sure that ACC can't refer to ADHB services without their knowledge and approval.
Just a girl, in the world, going to watch telly.
- Out of the '20' or so counselors, psychiatrists, therapists etc that I 'went through' before finding the truly amazing treatment providers that I had been seeing , ONLY TWO OF THESE had ANYTHING to do with ACC or my Sensitive Claim. Obviously the first person in 2000 that put through my claim and I only saw her once or twice after that initial visit. And one other. As you would be able to see from other information in my blog posts I have been through many different avenues, both through public and private services. So the remainder of the '20' different people were paid for by myself (up to $350 an hour for one of them) or were someone like a Psychiatrist on duty doing an psychiatric assessment when I ended up in hospital after a pretty serious suicide attempt (a few years ago BEFORE I engaged in the effective and productive therapy I was engaged in). Can't really be bothered saying more on the subject, except irrelevant of the medical practitioners name does anyone say 'right there joe blogs, now don't you think you've had enough chemo and radiation treatment' (spoken in the same tone as speaking to a greedy child).
- I would also like to make clear that my ACC SUBSIDISED therapy has always been just that, SUBSIDISED, therefore a portion of the financial cost with me also paying a portion of every session also.
- Many thanks to the supportive or understanding blog comments, twitter comments, and other messages I have received since the article was put out in the Sunday Star Times. I DEEPLY APPRECIATE the support. I know that public opinion can be fickle and there will be people that either do not understand or have a negative judgement on me and my story. The biggest point of the story needs to be that you can remove my name and the specific details and it is the reality for many kiwis today. There are people out there who have been raped in the last week who cannot access help to deal with this right now. I implore anyone who may not agree with me speaking out and trying to access help now to at least stay open and see the bigger picture with this issue.
I'm planning on publishing some more of the correspondence from ACC on my blog over the next 24 hours. For now I am practising my 'safety skills'. Tuesday night tv is always helpful (monday night telly not so great!) I have been on the phone to the crisis team about an hour ago, and even though there is some difficulty for me talking to a stranger if I am still distressed later on I will phone lifeline. It is my responsibility to do everything possible to stay safe.
- Lastly (for now) I unfortunately do not have control over the effects of my PTSD. I was getting better, now I'm not so good but I don't want to give up just yet. I know it might be hard to understand if you haven't been through trauma or have no understanding of what it is like to be raped and tortured, if you think I am being dramatic then have a think about what someone would have to do to me to require a doctor to have to remove an item driven so far against my cervix that there was no way it could be removed without medical assistance. I am not choosing to dwell on those events. I am constantly trying to live in the solution, I don't understand why I get to relive these events when I go to sleep. I know that in some countries that if people, especially women get raped they risk there own lives if they let people know. Maybe it is too much to ask in New Zealand for me to get assistance with the effects of these events. BUT it's not okay for ACC to try and say that the best thing for me CLINICALLY is actually what is best for them FINANCIALLY.
Phew. As usual heavy blog. I know I probably sound defensive, probably cause I'm feeling that way, and I am endevouring to be as honest as possible here.
Oh, and Dr Peter Jensen, I also don't particularly want to go to Rainbows End either (re: Segar House), doesn't mean that it doesn't make some people happy, isn't a good place or there arn't wonderful people that work there etc. It just means that I would like my well-being and treatment decisions to be the best and most appropriate for my symptoms and condition. I am also pretty sure that ACC can't refer to ADHB services without their knowledge and approval.
Just a girl, in the world, going to watch telly.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday Star Times Article
Rape victim: ACC cut my lifeline
By TIM HUME - Sunday Star Times Last updated 05:00 16/05/2010
Photo by Phil Doyle
Last month, an Auckland mother died after her claim for ACC-funded counselling was rejected under ACC's new 'clinical pathway' for sensitive claimants. But many existing ACC clients claim they are also having their counselling for sexual abuse terminated. One multiple rape survivor tells Tim Hume how having her therapy discontinued has pushed her to the brink, and why she is speaking out to call for changes to the way abuse victims are treated.
The worst part is the nightmares. "Getting raped every single night when I go to sleep. I can only sleep for 45 minutes before I wake up screaming," says Danielle Martin. "I've got a hammer in my bed. If I knew it was going to be like that every night for the next 30 years, I'd kill myself."
The 32-year-old was first raped when she was 16. The attack happened at Red Beach, north of Auckland. Her attacker was known to her and she says he had a serious drug problem. As she ran from the scene, he chased her to the side of the road and laid into her with his boots.
A private-school girl who had been going through a tearaway stage after becoming estranged from her family, Martin took refuge in a caravan park. A few weeks later, her attacker tracked her down, tied her up and held her hostage for 38 hours, subjecting her to all kinds of indignities.
"He cut up or destroyed everything I owned: clothes, photos. He was burning me with knives."
Martin eventually escaped by pleading to be allowed to do her park-cleaning duties, then running to the home of the managers, but not before the man had made a cut on her throat and threatened to kill her and her family if she told anyone.
She didn't, trying instead to forget and move on with her life, and eventually got a job at a bar in Auckland's Viaduct. But after a staff party one night, when she was 18, she was drugged and raped by one of the regulars. She remembers only brief flashes of what took place, but the attack left her with lasting physical injuries.
Her trauma went untreated and unacknowledged, and the subsequent years were filled with depression, addiction, nightmares and self-harm until she finally sought help from a counsellor. In October 2000, her claim as a rape survivor – a "sensitive claimant" – was accepted by ACC, entitling her to heavily subsidised counselling.
At first, the counselling had limited success. She went through about 20 counsellors and psychiatrists without feeling comfortable divulging or addressing the trauma at the core of her issues.
"I never felt safe or made that connection," she says. Life was hard, sometimes unbearable. As a result of the attacks, she had chronic post-traumatic stress disorder and major depression, conditions which constituted a disability and made it extremely difficult to leave the home, use public transport, or maintain social links.
But in the past two years she established a connection with a regular counsellor and a psychiatrist, who allowed her to finally "get into the grit" of her trauma. She made what her psychiatrist called "slow but significant progress" and began to study for a counselling degree.
This was all reversed in October when, out of the blue, Martin received a call from her ACC case manager telling her that her twice-weekly sessions with her counsellor were to come to an end.
In November came a letter: "We're pleased to tell you we've approved your decision for a final 20 sessions. Please note there will be no further counselling sessions approved."
Martin was devastated. "I've been suicidal as a direct result of this."
ACC senior medical adviser Dr Peter Jansen said that while Martin and her psychiatrist might have felt she was making progress with her present regime, the opinion of ACC's experts was that "the long-term counselling has created a dependency that has been counter-productive".
He said Martin had already had 280 ACC-funded counselling sessions. One of ACC's expert assessors, through an assessment which included a review of her case history, determined she would be better off at Segar House, a mental health treatment centre operated and funded by the Auckland District Health Board.
"We want the right care so that people recover from their injury."
Martin, who has had trust issues and finds it difficult leaving the security of home, felt she was incapable of undertaking the programme at Segar House, which has a group therapy component and would involve revisiting the trauma of her rapes with new counsellors.
Her psychiatrist agreed and wrote in a letter to ACC last month: "Since having funding for this intervention discontinued, she has in fact deteriorated significantly – is currently in fact more severely unwell than when first seen but is not accessing any care or follow-up other than that provided by her GP."
Martin said she had been "revictimised" by ACC, which had taken away her lifeline. "I don't have anybody I can talk to about this," she says. She has been calling mental health crisis helplines just about every day but they are not equipped to properly help.
During a recent call, after she woke up hyperventilating from a nightmare, she was advised to take a walk around the block.
"Rape is the ultimate form of powerlessness, the ultimate form of having your choices taken away. And I've been kept in the dark and given no options," she says.
"Therapy helped. My quality of life was improving, my prospects, my ability to be cohesive with other people and my chances of being a productive member of society. I've gone from having some semblance of a normal life ... [to being] a rape victim with worsening symptoms and no help."
Since her counselling was discontinued, Martin has made her blog publicly accessible and has been tweeting about the ordeal, including messages to the prime minister's account. (She received no reply).
"If I'm dead next week, I need this documented," she says. "I've done the right thing. I've been really honest with my treatment providers. I've worked really hard, I've stepped out of my comfort zone to get well. I can still potentially have a really good future. But they're not going to do the right thing unless they're shamed into it."
David Wadsworth of Access Support Services, who is advocating on Martin's behalf, said her case was symptomatic of ACC's "assault on sensitive claimants". "If ACC can get out of any funding of sensitive claims claimants, they'll do it by hook or by crook, as I see it. And they're really the most vulnerable group."
The corporation's new "clinical pathway", which required new clients to be diagnosed with "a significant mental injury" before their applications for sexual abuse counselling could be accepted, had seen the number of sensitive claims approved drop from 472 in the first two months of last year to just 32 in the same period this year. Last month, an Auckland mother died four days after her claim for counselling was rejected.
Meanwhile, many longer-term sensitive claimants were being subjected to reassessments of their treatment regime, which saw them pushed off ACC-funded counselling into DHB-funded programmes.
"They're leaving the claimant high and dry. Four months down the track the person hasn't had any counselling. It's caused a lot of damage to them. They're essentially being retraumatised," Wadsworth said.
Jansen said perceptions that ACC was turfing long-term claimants off counselling regimes to cut costs were incorrect. However, until recently, ACC had been funding treatment for many people who weren't covered by the legislation or weren't getting appropriate treatment.
"If the community is concerned that people are exiting from ACC, my concern would be that they exit because they are recovered."
For regional Rape Crisis help line numbers visit www.rapecrisis.org.nz
Saturday, May 1, 2010
COMING OUT (a wee bit public)
So in the last couple of days there are now some people who may have this web address, be able to view this blog, and even know who I am while being able to see stuff about me. Freaky and trying not to think about it and hope that I don't get negative judgement for having made my 'secret' blog not so secret.
As always there is more to write than I can probably manage to get down. I've had just over an hour's sleep last night, before I had one of those nightmares. I am beginning to wish that I have been almost greedy in wanting the nightmares to go away, and wasn't valuing the few hours sleep that I was getting before they would happen. Don't think I've had more than 2hours at one time in over a couple of weeks.
I have tried my best this week. I got in touch with Lynne Pillay, Neville Toohey and even messaged Cameron Slater. Sharing with them, the facts around what is happening, or rather not happening.
I'm a mess really, sometimes even my mum can't handle talking to me with my just crying on the other end of the phone. I think I must be really hard work, I know that it is like an anxiety attack that just won't ease. I've been nauseous and can't keep food down on and off for the last few months, and it has been four days in a row of that now. I know that the stress is manifesting physically.
Not even sure I should be writing this stuff for people to be able to see, will anyone understand what it is like to try and read a page of a book again, and again, and again, and to just have these awful images blocking the words, and there is no one that I can talk to about them to get them out. No one I can tell.
If you are reading this and wondering more facts behind the situation that I am in check out check out an informative blog from Kyle MacDonald.
Today, I just want to have a 'normal' life, with up's and down's. I want to go back to work and study. I want to not be afraid, I want to be able throw away the box that ACC put me in. All I was before all this, was a woman who had had some stuff happen that I was in the process of dealing with, like being half way through an operation to fix a knee, you wouldn't stop the surgery half way through, then say look, we know your going to be in pain and limp and never walk again, but policy has changed. Oh no wait, hang on, that's right, ACC has said that it is the best thing, THE RIGHT THING for me to have stopped receiving any subsidised care. I know they say money doesn't buy you happiness, it must be even easier to say that on a MP's salary. If I had the money I would pay for all my own care myself, but I don't. The last time I was raped I was working a 50-60hour week. But I never even lodged a claim with ACC for this until much later, when I was able to whisper the R-word to a therapist... at that date I was not working therefore will never be entitled to any $ through workplace pay or cover or whatever it's called. THAT is something that I didn't even know about until the last month or so, because I had never asked ACC about it at all, it was only in my desperation to try and see if there was any way for me to pay for my treatment that I asked.
Enough writing.
If someone thinks that I am doing myself a dis-service by having this blog online, and be open about this stuff, please say, it is hard to know when it's something that feels so taboo to say, wonder whether that is what NICK SMITH & CO are banking on.
As always there is more to write than I can probably manage to get down. I've had just over an hour's sleep last night, before I had one of those nightmares. I am beginning to wish that I have been almost greedy in wanting the nightmares to go away, and wasn't valuing the few hours sleep that I was getting before they would happen. Don't think I've had more than 2hours at one time in over a couple of weeks.
I have tried my best this week. I got in touch with Lynne Pillay, Neville Toohey and even messaged Cameron Slater. Sharing with them, the facts around what is happening, or rather not happening.
I'm a mess really, sometimes even my mum can't handle talking to me with my just crying on the other end of the phone. I think I must be really hard work, I know that it is like an anxiety attack that just won't ease. I've been nauseous and can't keep food down on and off for the last few months, and it has been four days in a row of that now. I know that the stress is manifesting physically.
Not even sure I should be writing this stuff for people to be able to see, will anyone understand what it is like to try and read a page of a book again, and again, and again, and to just have these awful images blocking the words, and there is no one that I can talk to about them to get them out. No one I can tell.
If you are reading this and wondering more facts behind the situation that I am in check out check out an informative blog from Kyle MacDonald.
Today, I just want to have a 'normal' life, with up's and down's. I want to go back to work and study. I want to not be afraid, I want to be able throw away the box that ACC put me in. All I was before all this, was a woman who had had some stuff happen that I was in the process of dealing with, like being half way through an operation to fix a knee, you wouldn't stop the surgery half way through, then say look, we know your going to be in pain and limp and never walk again, but policy has changed. Oh no wait, hang on, that's right, ACC has said that it is the best thing, THE RIGHT THING for me to have stopped receiving any subsidised care. I know they say money doesn't buy you happiness, it must be even easier to say that on a MP's salary. If I had the money I would pay for all my own care myself, but I don't. The last time I was raped I was working a 50-60hour week. But I never even lodged a claim with ACC for this until much later, when I was able to whisper the R-word to a therapist... at that date I was not working therefore will never be entitled to any $ through workplace pay or cover or whatever it's called. THAT is something that I didn't even know about until the last month or so, because I had never asked ACC about it at all, it was only in my desperation to try and see if there was any way for me to pay for my treatment that I asked.
Enough writing.
If someone thinks that I am doing myself a dis-service by having this blog online, and be open about this stuff, please say, it is hard to know when it's something that feels so taboo to say, wonder whether that is what NICK SMITH & CO are banking on.
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