I feel really sad and down today. I'm scared to go to sleep and have to wake up crying and scared. I think that because my face must get so hot with the distress of crying while I am asleep sometimes when I wake up my nose is bleeding and my face and pillow are covered in blood, I know how disgusting that is. I am tired and frustrated at myself. I am second guessing every thought that I have. The thoughts and images in my head about the stuff I don't even want to write about now won't go away. I haven't used alcohol or other drugs, or even cut myself. I know that these things will provide some temporary relief, but they won't really help anything, and create even more problems. I know that there are so many people out there today with problems much worse than mine but me trying to get some perspective on that doesn't seem to be helping today. I can't focus on watching tv or reading a book very well, find myself disassociating and suddenly realise that 5, 10 or 20 minutes have suddenly passed. Me speaking out with the article last week, starting this blog and then making it public, hasn't been a case of me gathering steam to stand up for 'the issue' around 'people like me' being able to access help, it's been trying to document it, explain it in a way that might explain the difference that the right support can mean in someone's life.
It's getting harder and harder to try and keep reaching out for help when alot of the time I'm either met with rejection or invalidation.
And I'm so tired all the time, with I know doesn't make things physically or emotionally easier.
It hurts inside, there is this ache that makes my chest tight, makes it hard to breathe.
I spoke to someone on the phone today that I really care about and a few minutes into the conversation I said something, one word that this person then said 'are you accusing me of lying', I was like, no way at all and tried to explain what I had meant, the conversation had not been heated in any way, but they said that they needed a coffee and hung up on me.
I am not even able to think carefully or clearly enough to not upset or offend those I love and care for. That's one of the worst part of all this I think, is being such a burden on people I care about and more often than not since I haven't been in therapy not being able to 'keep it together' socially or even in one on one communication and knowing that I can't bring anything to the relationship, am unable to 'pull myself together' at times to interact with people. After everything I've experienced, like the pain and fear, I OF ALL PEOPLE do and should know and be able to take care with the effects of my actions, words, behaviour and being on others, so as not to cause harm or difficulty. It disgusts me how the broken bits inside of me spill out of me and infect everything.
I hate how pathetic I sound and I hate how much it hurts inside.
Hey hun, thinking of you! Hang in there xx
ReplyDeleteHi, I was advised to read your blog from a new friend of mine. I have seen your story, and although I feel I have endured less than what you have with ACC I really relate. They have done the whole codependency thing with my counsellor, and even though she told them it's not the case, they took it all away anyway. I had just disclosed the most painful part of my past that I'd never even said to ANYONE and they stopped my counselling with the only person I trusted to help me through it. They really know how to make our lives worse... They are insensitive... not sensitive.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the flashbacks, dissociation, and things. I get this too much. I hate that concentration is difficult when we miss 10 or more minutes of something important, or even fun.
You are not pathetic. You are a beautiful person and if people take wrongly what you told them that is their problem and not yours.
The hurt inside is hard to deal with. Especially when we lose trust in talking to anyone and isolate. Good that you are keeping safe and not abusing alcohol, self harm etc. Typing out frustrations helps me. So I'm starting a blog here as well. Sounds like a plan. oh wow, this is long. I'll end here. Hugs!
*sends out a big virtual hug*
ReplyDeleteDanielle, no matter what anyone says you are a brave and amazing person and you deserve every good thing that happens to you. I only have admiration for what you are doing and to be perfectly honest I am thankful to you for putting your story in the paper and making your blog public to show a part of this world which very few people are exposed to.
I wasn't going to reiterate my offer of assistance from last night as I fully understand the barriers to accepting assistance from complete strangers, but it still stands whether you take it up today, tomorrow or in six months time I will be more than happy to provide assistance in any little way I can.
Again thank you for your bravery and generosity.
Chris Morrin