Dr Peter Jansen

Well... where would I begin?

Anyone who is reading this is most likely aware of all the recent media activity regarding PJ & his lawyers (The Swamp Report is a good place to start if you want to catch up). As you may know I've had my own run in with PETE telling LIES about me Publicly, followed up by Ms DENISE COSGROVE'S (I wouldn't want Denise to be forgotten in all the chaos) pathetic attempt to justify 'them' by telling even more lies! ... and also having my own PRIVACY BREACHED BY ACC ..

I am not very well, so I not going to write about 'me'.

I did however want to post my PUBLIC SUPPORT, LOVE, AND HIGH REGARD for JAX and her blog - she went out on a limb to care and stand up for me in her very eloquent letter in May of last year.

So I would like to place a direct quote from one of the comment's of a post of Jax's from her at-last-I-checked active blog, it is not my words but it is a fine summery of points that shouldn't be left unresolved in my opinion:

"Anonymous said...
Several points come to mind here

1/Dr Jansens position in the 'sensitive' claims section of ACC has been grossly compromised. Sexual assault victims are just that - victims and sensitive. The Dr. has shown himself to be ill equipped and obviously not the correct person to deal with 'sensitive' claims. I would consider his resignation from this position as the very least he should do.

2/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is long, on going and requires intervention on many levels. Jax is displaying anger, fear, aggression and disbelief in a situation that is out of her control. Surely this should have alerted the Dr to her precarious situation? No, instead he chose to ignore her plea for support and assistance and seek remunerations far and away above anything that Jax will ever receive.

3/ This highlights a problem within the health system when an abuse victim has to apply to an authority, set up to deal with accidents, for help. Sexual assault is not an accident! It is a crime and there is a victim who needs support, understanding and sensitivity at all points in their progress towards accepting and living with that crime.

4/Did the Dr. not think that by his very actions he may have now discouraged victims from seeking support? Sexual assault is an under reported crime because of the stigma that is associated with it or because of threats to the person by the perpetrator.

There needs to be a completely seperate authority set up to facilitate this that is able to deal with a psychologically and physically overwhelming assault. This Dr. has now shown to all victims that they will not be considered as 'sensitive' and in fact can be assaulted again by the very authority that is supposedly there to support them.

5/How was this woman who is in hiding (that alone indicates how bad this situation must be for her) still able to be served papers for defamation? Another form of assault. He indicates by this action that she isn't safe anywhere, that she is able to be found.

6/Another concern is that there appears to be no acceptance that people suffering as a result of a sexual assault require long term and on going care and support. Some people do go on and recover control over their lives in a shorter time frame - but others don't. Many decades may pass and, as indicated by Jax, something new will trigger new fears, phobias or reactions. Help should always be available.

Dare I suggest that NZ be a world leader here and take this opportunity to set up a system whereby sexual assault victims are supported and helped by a totally seperate, private and professional organisation? Where a victim can feel secure and supported but most importantly understood by the people within it. From their very first interaction with Police through the court system and into the future.

This Dr may have done us a favour by showing up the failings within this system - here is a victim who has been sexually assaulted and now is being assaulted again. Jax has every right to be angry with a system that has let her down. Jax my deepest sympathies go out to you and I do completely understand why you're so angry and lashing out and you most certainly have every right to feel victimised again.

In fact if it wasn't for his law suit this would never have become public at all. My congratulations must go to the Minister who raised this in Parliament - this would have gone under the radar without your concern for this victim.

Dr Jansen you are not entitled to money for what you have done, you failed to obtain appropriate support for a person within your system. Don't act surprised and aggrieved that when you fail someone they are angry and hurt. Fifteen people MAY have read Jaxs' comments - now the whole country is aware of your incompetent reactions.

Support is not a finite thing - it should be available to one and all for as long as they need it without fear of reprisal or retribution.

Concerned.
April 15, 2011 10:53 AM"

I don't know who wrote the above as it was signed Anon, but I could take a pretty good guess! And regardless of it not being my words, right now it's what I'd say if I wasn't in so much pain.

If you are reading this along with supporting Jax, I in turn send out support to all the other Victims of the Crimes of Rape and Sexual Abuse out there - you may not have a blog, or have been in the media, or may not be receiving the help you need right now - but please, please hang in there, reach out - you deserve help, you deserve to get better and not have to deal with the hurt alone in the dark. There are also some truly amazing Treatment Providers that really Care, Truly want to Help, and are Selfless in their Professionalism & Kraft.

Lastly I support the addition of the DSM-CIP (Com­pletely Incom­pe­tent Prick) syndrome diagnoses to the new fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) due out in May 2013.


Just A Girl ♥

Understanding

This is an extract out of a book that I've just finished reading 'man and wife' by Tony Parsons. I first read 'man and boy' by the same author and it went onto my list of top books of all time - the second book is good, very good - maybe just without that undefinable x-factor that puts it into the something very special category though. I would still absolutely recommend the second book though, Tony Parsons somehow manages to capture a very stark, humbling sense of humanness in his writing.
This quote is towards the end of the book (Pages 285-286 of the paperback version) and is Harry's Mother talking, she has had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and has already had a mastectomy, but is still undergoing the last of her chemotherapy (and had also during this process decided to become a Counselor for other Breast Cancer survivors) - Harry, his son Pat and Harry's Mother have arrived home to find 3 women waiting outside the house:

"'See that young one, Harry? She had the same operation as me. Same breast removed too. Scared to look at herself now. Imagine that. Afraid of the mirror. You can't let that happen. You can't be scared to look at yourself. They can talk to me. Because their family - the husband, the daughters, the sons - they want to be reassured. They don't want the truth - they want reassurance. And they don't have to reassure me. And they don't have to be ashamed in front of me.'"

I think that the words of Harry's Mother can be applied to almost any kind of difficult experience in life.
I know that for me that this has been proven true through dealing with my disease of addiction. Without going into a long story about my journey of being an active drug addict, coming into Recovery (being clean, not using Drugs or Alcohol), was something that started for me really by going into a Residential Rehab Program - but it was there that I was introduced to the two 12-Step Fellowships that I consider myself a member of. There are many catch phrases from these self-sustaining programs that helped save my life, 'One Day At A Time', 'Easy Does It', and 'It Works If You Work At It'. This is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous Website about how it works:

"NA's approach to recovery is the belief in the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. Members take part in NA meetings by talking about their experiences and recovery from drug addiction. More experienced members (known as sponsors) work individually with newer members explaining the twelve steps and the program. The twelve steps are at the core of the NA program; these 'steps' are a set of concepts outlining a practical approach to recovery. By learning the tweleve steps with a sponsor and how to work the NA program addicts learn to stop using drugs and face the challenges of daily living.

Narcotics Anonymous is not a religious organisation and does not mandate any particular religious belief system. It does teach basic spiritual principles such as honesty, open-mindedness, faith, willingness, and humility that may be applied in everyday life. The specific practical application of spiritual principles is determined by each individual. Recovery in NA is not a miracle cure that happens within a given period of time. It is a process, ongoing and personal. Members make an individual decision to join and recover at their own pace."

Being able to talk with someone who you know really understands.

What I am getting to with this post and these quotes is the benefit of having a safe place to be able to talk, work things out, process, grow and change. And that in a perfect world we would all have these perfect friends and family that could (and would) know how to and choose to help has fix any problems, or difficulties that may arise because of events we have experienced. But this is not how the world is, or not how my experience of the world has been.
Even though with a Mother's love, my mother helped nurse me back to health while detoxing from a $500 a day heroin habit (almost 9 years ago), she could not help me to understand how to really get clean, stay clean, and not feel like some freak or loser because of that life experience. I got that gift through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Through people that understood, didn't judge, cared, and were there to help me help myself on a journey of recovery from my addiction.

This is the same thing that my Therapy is from the sexual indignities I've been a victim of. I wish more people could understand and support that. People like me who have experienced one of the most extreme violations of body and soul sometimes need help to learn how to be ok in the world with that stain of what happened. Therapy isn't about going x amount of times, completing A, B and C and what happened magically goes away and you get back to life as normal. I know part of it is my fault, if I had asked for help, and tried to fix the dysfunction and the broken-ness many years earlier I know I would probably not need the help I do now, or that hope might be a bit easier to find.

I went to shut down my blog again yesterday, feeling that I've just publicly embarrassed myself for the last year with everything I've written. But I had One comment of support on the Blog and One very kind DM (private message) from someone on Twitter, and that was enough to get me through. I am constantly surprised at the compassion of people I haven't met (thank you). Since Thursday I've been feeling like a lost cause, and that maybe it is a waste of money trying to help me when I don't know if I can get better - but back to the 'Just For Today', hopefully I will feel different in an hour or tomorrow.

ACC Strikes Again

Hi.

I've started to write a post probably a dozen times over the last month. Wanting to say how I am doing and what's going on. I think it's a mixture of a couple of things that have ended up with me deleting all but one of them before they are finished.

I haven't been FEELING that great, but very slowly I had been adding a few more minutes of structure and functionality to my life and my days. I am half way through a very long post that is basically a 'November 2010' compilation - I am continuing to scan documents and piece them together in this post and like most things hope to finish it sooner rather than later. But it seemed difficult to talk about what's going on now without having updated in sequence what has happened with my claim.
The short version is that there was the hearing date with the Disputes Court against ACC in November, several yucky conversations and awful reports later at literally the very last few hours before the Court hearing, ACC put an offer out - offering me 10 sessions of subsidised therapy, then with a report required detailing x,y, and z - and then I think maybe another 10 sessions.
Anyway it was all done with absolutely no show of compassion on their part, as everyone involved could see they had no evidence to present at the Court date so that is what ended up happening.
It has been hard for me to feel safe and grateful for these sessions. I attempted to see my Therapist at the end of 2010 but couldn't really manage it.
I have however been to Therapy now, once a week, for about the last 7 or 8 weeks. The first couple of sessions were pretty much taken up with me freaking out about some of the awful things written in the Report by Dr Prince in November 2010, and about whether my therapy was going to disappear again. I totally believe my Therapist's reassurance's that they will not abandon me - but I feel like a zombie after what ACC put me through - terrified to let myself think about anything because of how I hurt myself when I do.

I also have had difficulty posting after watching the news and seeing all the effects of the Christchurch Earthquake and the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami. It somehow felt disrespectful or selfish to talk about how I was finding life difficult when I have power, sewerage and running water.

After November, even though there was the 'positive' outcome of me being granted some subsidised sessions - I was at a place where I couldn't even respond to an email, let alone look at a piece of paper that had anything to do with ACC. By the end of November I had gathered up every single piece of paper to do with my claim and went up to the Stationary shop and purchased one of those large boxes that you put together that you store documents in. I took it home, and filled it up, with only just managing to fit everything in - the box is about 40cm high and it's sitting in the corner of my lounge in the same place as when I filled it up, I tried to move it and it's so heavy that the bottom feel out.
It's only in the last couple of weeks that as I've been wanting to blog about how I am doing in trying to focus on getting better that I've been taking out a piece of paper here and there and scanning them and adding them to this 'November 2010' post that I am writing. I can't manage to finish it right now, so will add the links once I have.

Since January of this year it's involved alot of 'faking till I make it' or 'acting as if' - basically not feeling like I can see much hope, or being able to connect to much faith, and barely being able to remember back in 2009 when I began to have hope for the future. I was really suicidal towards the end of 2010 as I've already blogged, but I made the decision in January that even if I felt that I was not going to act on it and going to keep getting up everyday and just doing the best I could.

Their have been little achievements which I must say I'm not very good at reminding myself of - the second week in a row that I was sitting in the couch in Therapy we talked about how it was the first time in a long time that that continuity had occurred. There's always the flip-side, how sad it makes me that it took almost 18 months for me to be able to go to Therapy safely again.

I've been very lonely for the most part. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I spent most of the day looking at the phone, wishing and wondering if it would ring. But I have had Molly, and she is a gift. She has been the main reason that I decided that I couldn't kill myself, she is 10 years old now, with slightly failing health. I'm not sure if someone would look after her if something happened to me - and if they did it would involve alot of change, and I don't want to put her through that. So every night, even if I've had a bad day, I put her to bed and spend some time giving her a cuddle. She knows the word 'tummy', and will roll onto her back, very cute. The support network that I'd spent years building up and had in 2009 for one reason and another is gone now, I have the best treatment providers that a person could wish for - but I think with my progressive deterioration in functionality from October 2009, and also with my 'secrets of trauma' spilling over into most aspects of my life instead of being able to deal with the effects in therapy - I lost alot of friends, or was not able to be able to 'be social' - and some people close to me I think felt uncomfortable knowing what had happened to me, and maybe with me 'outing' myself in trying to stand up for my rights with ACC.

I had therapy Tuesday of the week just gone. And was talking about how I was starting to try and set up some sort of structure in my days. Doing things like having set times for gardening, or cleaning, if I didn't have an appointment to go out to then trying to do an hour or two of 'Paperwork' type stuff - since November 2010 I kind of shut down with anything above the very basics, doing the dishes, walking Molly, trying to eat properly, and most of my bills were set up on a/p's thank goodness - but for the first time in my life really, I have about a year's worth of 'thing's to do' that need doing, or are very over-due. Small things that get larger the longer they are not done. But after what happened in November it was like the straw that broke the camels back, meaning anything that required me to engage my brain I just couldn't do, because there was all this awful stuff that ACC had said and done that was making me question my recovery, I felt like I was a failure at getting better - and I would catch myself going back over my progress with a microscope trying to work out what I had done so wrong. I knew that with my therapy I had gone from cutting between 100 to 5 times a day, down to a few times a week, down to THREE MONTHS without doing it - I knew that even though 2 wonderful Drug & Alcohol Rehab residential programs & 12 Step programs had taught me alot about how to stop using and stay stopped, that my therapy had allowed me to look at the triggers that pushed me back towards relapse, things that were a bit too heavy or graphic to be able to share or process through the 12-step fellowship. I knew that even though my nightmares about reliving being tortured and raped hadn't gone away, that they had lessened in quantity and with hindsight I could see how much better systems I was developing to be able to deal with what I was having to relive in my dreams.
BUT despite these tangible things I would try and hold up to myself as proof I've felt that if I was 'unwell' because of what happened to me - then I would be able to access the help I need, INSTEAD of the last year of this battle that has left me feeling like I must be BAD, broken and useless.

I don't want pity. I don't feel as capable at writing as I did a year ago, so I hope what I am writing makes sense.

On Thursday I checked the mailbox and there was an envelope from ACC. Before I even opened it it was like that sinking sensation in my stomach. I had just made a sandwich for lunch and I decided to eat it and have my cup of tea before I opened the envelope because I was scared of what was inside, and I know that when I am upset that self-care like eating goes out the window. It could have been anything in there, it didn't have to be something upsetting - but I think it was some kind of intuition.

This is what was inside:



I TOTALLY broke down - the room was spinning, I wanted to scream and scream and scream. I was on my knees on the kitchen floor and I realised the moans and crying I was making when Molly came up trying to lick my face. I hate her seeing me losing it, I didn't want to hurt myself but I could barely breath.
This is the email that I sent to my Treatment Providers within the hour:

Hello All...

I just received in the mail the attached letter from ACC.

I am really upset, but [Therapist] was able to give me a couple of minutes on the phone, and I am taking half a alprazolam and going to try and lay down and not think, because after reading that letter I feel like putting my head through a window, which obviously is not what I should do.

I am seeing [Therapist] on Tuesday and will try to not look at the letter or think about it or go over it again until then.

But in the meantime I just wanted to forward it to you, along with my concerns:

- ACC have specific instructions that any correspondence is to be sent in writing to all of my treatment provider's in advance of me receiving it: exactly because of how I feel right now, spinning out, instead of finding out in a safe environment
([Advocate] - think you can confirm it was something that we made sure was implemented early 2010)

- I attended a DATA at ACC's request (with my big relapse in self-harm the night before because I was so scared) with an ACC appointed Assessor, ****** ****** - NONE of the recommendations in the following report were carried out by the SCU

- I don't have any idea on how to get there, to Otahuhu

- I don't know who this Barry person is, but if I absolutely HAVE to have a DATA I will just forget about therapy if it means that I have to see some strange man I don't know, and sit in a room with him, etc, I probably don't mean that I will forget about therapy, but I feel like I'd rather hide under the bed than do that.

Not thinking clearly, going to try and stop crying and calm down but wanted to pass this along to you all.

Thanks as always
Danielle

PS - I think ACC are mean mean mean for making everything hurt

I heard back from all of them. The care and are kind. I haven't left the house since then. I can't do it, I can't go to an area I don't know, to see a strange man I don't know and tell him personal things about me right now. I haven't even had the 10 sessions of therapy with the report submitted by my Therapist.

The DATA that I did last time is mostly documented HERE - as I said in the email, none of the recommendations were followed through by ACC - it's hard to believe that ACC SCU are there to help me.

Anyway - I don't know if I've made any sense - I just wanted to write. I feel like giving up but I am just trying to take things an hour at a time.

JUST A GIRL, trying not to think, trying not to hurt myself.

More Sensitive Claim Ignorance

Found the following comment last night in the General Lounge Group on the ACC Forum Website - , it was underneath the Article last May from the Sunday Star Times (scroll down to the FIFTH Comment) -

neddy, on 17 May 2010 - 06:24 PM, said:
"There is one thting forgotten here and that is that the alternative, Segar House might just work.
In her blog she mentions Kyle McDonald. from his site" Kyle is an experienced psychotherapist who has worked in men's domestic violence programmes as well as mental health and addiction services for both Waitemata District Health Board and the Auckland District Health Board."
Also :"He currently divides his time between public and private practice, also working for Segar House the Auckland District Health Board Specialist Psychotherapy Service. "
If she can tell her story to anyone via the "Net and Twitter, then I fail to see how Group Therapy cannot be explored as it is a very effective tool for chronic PTSD and anxiety as it promotes interaction with others.
She has now to learn strategies to live not just to survive and maybe this could be a tool.
And, there are people who are dying waiting to gt into programs like Asburn Clinic and Segar House and to get the opportunity and turn it down makes no sense to my way of thinking."

Was so "annoyed" I ended up replying with the following:

JustAGirl, on 06 March 2011 - 12:35 AM, said:
It has truly been ages since I've done much online, I only reactivated my blog in the last week, and last year when I was writing it and tweeting also I must say I didn't have much time or regard to search the net for ignorant statements such as this.
I wonder 'Neddy' why you are even a member on this forum with what you wrote about about ME.
Segar House is an awesome effective wonderful treatment. So is Women's Refuge, CADS, and how about the Heart Bypass surgery too! All of these things are proven to work WHERE NEEDED.
I have Chronic PTSD, what Segar offer that could in anyway be a part of my therapy at the moment would be DBT Therapy, a program of which I fully completed with the ADHB Public Mental Health Service about 6 or 7 years ago, I learnt some valuable coping tools and strategies, however one of the big 'rules' is NOT TALKING ABOUT past specific trauma. None of my Treatment Providers at any time has recommended that I go to Segar House, OR have even made a referral.
And as far as you relating my 'ability' at Group Therapy with my attempting to be publicly open with my journey - I'm not sure what Clinical reason you would use to associate the two.
I attended and participated fully in Group Therapy when I was in a Drug Rehab Center 8 years ago, so it is not something that I am ignoring to try and make some point - you are right that it is an effective tool. But to talk about the intimate details about sexual trauma? In a Group with other vulnerable people, with males and females there? In your esteemed Clinical Opinion with the little you know about me you think I should be there? Well, good on you for choosing to sound so small minded.
ANY other crime, and/or victim of that crime can write, talk, go on tv, online, in the paper - even just chat over coffee about that experience - whether it be having your car stolen, bag snatched, house robbed or even some random unwarranted verbal or physical assault someone might experience at a bar - all of these and more are discussed with no judgement placed upon the choice to share this information.
NOT SO for Rape, Sexual Abuse & Assault, and Domestic Violence. Every word I write on my blog or tweet I know that I am exposing myself, and feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and a little bit proud all at the same time. The thing you might have missed while you zero'ed in on 'Segar House' is that I kept EVERYTHING a secret for many, many years - partially attributed to attitudes like yours - that some measly few pages of words about 15 years of trying to live with what happened to me kept hidden could possibly sum up or provide enough information for anyone not involved to make judgments like yours is insulting.
I desperately hope that by telling my story and the other few brave Kiwi's doing the same that it will increase awareness of Victim's needs and rights, and that through de-stigmatization that maybe, just maybe, some other victim of these kind of crimes out there might just have a little more information and understanding, support and faith in the system to be able to ask for help a little earlier that the years and years that I waited; and hopefully praying that these people will have some chance to not end up in the situations that I have because of what happened.
Did you know that the basic cost to an offender incarcerated in a New Zealand Prison is $90,000 a year? But it's often more for convicted Child Molesters because of extra need for monitoring for their safety and higher medical costs.
IF I CAN TELL MY STORY TO ANYONE ON TWITTER OR THE NET????
Really? It's archaic views that keep Rape Victim's quiet - Yes, I have gone way outside my comfort zone with telling PART of my story - but I stand by that decision, it wasn't one I made lightly or easily - but as I said in that Sunday Star Times and throughout my blog I MADE THAT DECISION NOT JUST FOR MYSELF BUT FOR PAST, CURRENT & FUTURE RAPE VICTIMS. Has something really terrible ever happened to you or anyone you love? Well, if it hasn't already you better hope that if what happened to me EVER happens to anyone that you care about that the ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway that I and a few others are fighting so hard (and it's fricken painful Ned) to make right is going to be there and adequate.
Over the next few weeks and months on my blog I will be posting reports post-dating this comment you made (if you are truly interested in the facts) , and also the results of my taking Dr Peter Jensen's decision to Court - and for now everything he & his amigo's have said has been seen through like the transparent lies with an underlying agenda that it was.
I know people who have received twice as many funded hours as me under their Sensitive Claim, one of them is just now completing a PhD, top of the class, and another that runs a very successful inner-city company - no one knows their secrets, and I know that I have forever blown my anonymity regarding being raped, but someone had to stand up to what the National Government was trying to do, heading towards privatising ACC - and the big picture with Australian Insurance Companies is that there is no room for victims of rape or sexual abuse.
Kind thanks to other's that have commented with interest or support on the article from last year.

JustAGirl
Danielle

Have calmed down about it this morning, but after re-reading what this person wrote, and then what I wrote still agree with what I responded with (always a relief!).

Let me just say that www.accforum.org is actually a very useful, helpful, supportive, informative and well set up site. If you are having ANY issues to do with ACC at all, in any way, shape or form there will be a post, discussion, or person on there I bet with something to say about what you want to know or discuss. I just wanted to clear up that anywhere we go in life, including the internet I know we all come across people like Ned, but in this case it's not what I have found to be an accurate reflection of this Forum.

Bad, bad nightmares, last night, so thanks to all that DBT Training years ago, and my past therapy, know that I need to just concentrate on self-care when I am this tired; Both for my well-being, but also to try my best to stop the slide from tired, flat & anxious...well, to something worse, especially am trying really hard not to act out with my cutting. Everything seems kind of grey though when I'm like this, it's like not being able to think of any activity, like a walk, or a dvd, through to things like music, or a meal I feel like eating - nothing that I can think of to make me feel better. But part of what I had learned and was practicing in Therapy, was to just do it anyway - similar to what I learned in the 12 Step Rooms, fake it till you make it, similar concept.
It's hard not to not get in that loop of despairing about how much worse nights are since this debacle with ACC SCU made the choice to f%&k with my progress. BUT - not thinking about that today, it hurts too much and I'm too tired!!

So a v.quiet day for me & Molly I hope.

Sending much love & healing prayers to all Canterburians out there, those who are doing it tough, hang in there - it is amazing what we humans have the ability to survive. I have no idea what you are going through, what you've experienced, but I know the long-lasting effects of trauma can be minimised by talking with, supporting, and listening to, your loved one's and those close to you in these trying time's.
Kiha kaha Christchuch ♥


Just A Girl

Dark Times

I know I haven't had this site activated in awhile, and it's been a dark few months.
I disabled my blog from being accessible because of how suicidal I was feeling, and was worried about my judgement with what I might write. I am not filled with extreme certainty about all that yet, but in light of the recent Earthquake in Christchurch have decided again it's in some way important for me to document this, hopefully 'this' will end up being my journey of recovery!

If you would like to help Christchurch during this testing time you can click on the following to take you to online pages to donate:
- RNZSPCA Canterbury Earthquake Appeal (Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)
- Women's Refuge - Quake News & Canterbury Earthquake Donation Info
- New Zealand Red Cross - 2011 Earthquake Appeal
- Salvation Army New Zealand - Canterbury Earthquake Appeal

So there is a bit to catch up on, and over the next few weeks I will be posting the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of documentation, and finally feel a bit more competent about scanning and uploading on here, so it's easier now.

I'm not sure where to start with having such a big gap, so to start out with something easy for me, here is an email that I sent on the 30 November 2010 at about 3am in the morning to my treatment providers, hopefully will begin to convey how it's been for me during the last while.

"Hi, I've just been on the phone to the Crisis Team Line. I tried to ring Lifeline first, but got the message thing after a few rings that all their staff were busy, and I was shaking so bad and felt so scared about what had happened that I rung the Crisis Team message service to phone me.

I took my meds at about 12.45 as I was getting into bed, it is a bit later than usual, but I was finishing watching a movie. I took my mitazapine and one zoplicone and one nitrazepam. I woke up from one of my nightmares, and was in that state where I feel frozen with fear and it seems to take some time and a lot of will to move my body, I've no idea whether it was 30 seconds or 10 mins that it took me to reach up to turn on the light switch above the bed, but it felt very difficult.

I saw [therapist's name] yesterday, and filled him as best as possible about how I've spoken to the Police now on more than one occasion about this guy that has been harassing me and that with the Police's support am getting a restraining order against with a Lawyer's help.

So, I managed to turn on the light switch, and even though I had the 'shot' of fear from the nightmare, because of being so tired, but also cause of my meds probably I was having trouble keeping my eyes open...I sleep with all the other lights in the house on except for my bedroom one, but then I had just turned this on. Through 3/4 closed lids I looked up at the ceiling and could see this crack in the ceiling probably about 30cms long, very narrow, but maybe from the angle from the light from the lightbulb I could see an eye and the shadow of this guy (that has been hassling me) looking down at me. Even though I'd had a jolt of fear from the nightmare, that was nothing, I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so hard. I slowly closed my eyelids rolling my head to the side and 'stretching' so that one my hands ended up under my pillow where my mobile phone was. I then lay very very still. I without moving anything 'visible' dialed 111 on my mobile... I actually thought maybe I should text like *****, Mum + 8 other's I can think of, call 111 there is that guy in the ceiling - but decided I should ring them, and move as quickly as possible into the bathroom and shut the door once they had answered and I had to talk. Then I thought, can he get me through the roof in the bathroom, and I thought, I thought there was no space in my roof and that the surface is plastered over with no cracks...so then I thought, Danielle, just roll over casually, not looking directly up but just a tiny look to see if there is a crack.
There was no crack at all in the ceiling.
I was laying in bed with the light on and my hand under the pillow with 111 dialed and my thumb on the 'call' button, but not pushed.

I had just got off the phone with the crisis team as I said, just before I started writing this email. After I had done my 2nd slow peek at the ceiling and seen absolutely no cracks in it anywhere I looked at the clock and it was 2.36am.

I have really bad nightmares as you know. But this was something that I haven't experienced before and it's scared the crap out of me and I don't quite understand. I am very shaken that in the middle of provable experiences, the turning on the lightswitch (cause the light was on) and dialing the mobile (cause the numbers were there when I looked back) - that I saw something that was not real. It wasn't like a nightmare where it can be so lifelike that sometimes for hours and hours I can be 'having' emotions and physical stuff like tight chest, racing heart etc from it. It was something different - something that I worked out the second time I looked that what I saw the first time was not right/correct/real (not sure how to describe???), but only because of the second time being different, not because the first seemed any less real. it's only a bit over 3 hours ago that I took my meds so know that even though my heart is still racing I am a bit groggy at the moment.

I am way too scared after this to go back to bed at all, which I've got some stuff 'planned' in case I am awake at night to try and distract myself. But thought I'd email the both of you now, I see [therapist's name]again next Tues - but I'd really like a 5min chat with one of you before the weekend if that worked and was possible, to help me understand, cause I'm sure it will probably ease, but I am really freaked out right now.

Will try and go back to sleep when it starts getting light, around 6am I think, but will be home for most of today I think (brain a bit mush)... think I've sorted out the problem with my telecom mobile so both landline and mobile are working now [psychiatrist's name]. And as soon as I am awake I will turn the volume on on my phones, I don't have voicemail on either, so if you are trying to phone and can't get me just text or email as soon as I see it will try back.

Going to go and drink cups of tea and try not to think about it now.

Thanks, Danielle"

The next day I kindly got a reply from both my Psychiatrist & my Psychotherapist:

"Hi Danielle

What you are describing is what is called Hypnopompic Hallucinations – hallucinations occurring at the point of waking from sleep and which are gone when you are properly awake – and are probably the combined impact of the nightmares, the sleep disorder/difficulties you have, and possibly also the sleep meds. They do not mean you are going “crazy” or are “psychotic” OK, but what you do need to do is try not to fear them, and to when they happen remind yourself they are not real and will be gone nce you are properly awake.

If you google hypnogogic (which are on going to sleep) and hypnopompic (which are on waking) Hallucinations you will find info re them!

Hope that helps

Rgds’
[psychiatrist's name]"

AND

"Hi Danielle,

Sorry to hear of your awful night. I am in Wellington today, but would be available to talk tomorrow. Whilst this a "new" symptom, and clearly a very disturbing one, it is also not that surprising given recent circumstances. [psychiatrist's name] is probably better qualified to comment on that, but I will talk to you tomorrow.

Take care,
[psychotherapist's name]"

So I didn't think that my nightmare's could get any worse, but I've since been able to talk this over with both of these people, and it's probably happened a dozen times since then, I think last year with my nightmare's going from 3 or 4 nights a week before my therapy was stopped, to 2 or 3 times a night, 7 nights a week last year - I really started to become terrified of going to sleep, and even though I was taking medication and doing all the 'right' things, deep down I was just plain sick to death of the feeling of having to endure reliving sexual trauma every night.
I've found out a bit more about Hypnagogia and Hypnopompic - and from that first night that it happened have almost reassured myself that it's not that I'm totally losing my marbles or that I have a brain tumor, that considering my chronic PTSD and the culmination of lack of sleep, increased stress, and reduced support, that I guess in the light of day I can understand how it's happening. But towards the end of 2010 I went from suicidal thinking, to sorting out a plan and putting it into action. I was just so scared about what was happening and felt so alone with it. I made up some excuse and organised for someone to take my darling doggy, Molly, and even started packing up my house into boxes - to make 'thing's' easier for people dealing with everything after I was gone. I didn't get to writing a note, but had written out instructions to do with Molly's care & things like password info for bank accounts and that. I got to 'the date' in January, it was night-time. I had left 'it' till after Christmas & New Year because I didn't want to ruin that time for anyone. So on the night at the last minute I was crying and decided to phone the crisis-line. I actually ended up speaking to the same person that I had talked to the first night I 'saw' a man in my bedroom at night. A long story short, I made the decision that night to CHOOSE not to act out on those thoughts, that for the next few months that despite of what I may feel day-to-day I would just do whatever I could each day. Those feelings haven't totally gone away, but that night even though I totally felt like I didn't know how to live anymore, I also knew that I didn't truly want to die, I just didn't know what to do.

Anyway, there is a lot that has happened (and not happened!!) to do with my ACC Sensitive Claim, and with my recovery - so will update as and when I can. I feel a bit exhausted even writing this, think most of the way that I've ended up coping the last few months is by dissociating - kind of zoning out as much as possible, either by cleaning, gardening, reading, anything that involves not having to think about anything to do with me - either the night before, or years before. With still being clean and in recovery (damn it! 12-step meetings have TOTALLY ruined any power of alcohol or other drugs to numb my pain!) I've been trying my hardest not to self harm, aware of how well I'd done, before all the 'ACC Stress' in 2009 I had 3 months up of not self-harming - it's a memory that is hard to see clearly, but I know I did feel so proud of that, even if I can't remember how that feels right now.

I'm not sure I can overcome the damage that was done last year to an already festering wound, but JUST FOR TODAY I am doing my best.


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