This is an extract out of a book that I've just finished reading 'man and wife' by Tony Parsons. I first read 'man and boy' by the same author and it went onto my list of top books of all time - the second book is good, very good - maybe just without that undefinable x-factor that puts it into the something very special category though. I would still absolutely recommend the second book though, Tony Parsons somehow manages to capture a very stark, humbling sense of humanness in his writing.
This quote is towards the end of the book (Pages 285-286 of the paperback version) and is Harry's Mother talking, she has had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and has already had a mastectomy, but is still undergoing the last of her chemotherapy (and had also during this process decided to become a Counselor for other Breast Cancer survivors) - Harry, his son Pat and Harry's Mother have arrived home to find 3 women waiting outside the house:
"'See that young one, Harry? She had the same operation as me. Same breast removed too. Scared to look at herself now. Imagine that. Afraid of the mirror. You can't let that happen. You can't be scared to look at yourself. They can talk to me. Because their family - the husband, the daughters, the sons - they want to be reassured. They don't want the truth - they want reassurance. And they don't have to reassure me. And they don't have to be ashamed in front of me.'"
I think that the words of Harry's Mother can be applied to almost any kind of difficult experience in life.
I know that for me that this has been proven true through dealing with my disease of addiction. Without going into a long story about my journey of being an active drug addict, coming into Recovery (being clean, not using Drugs or Alcohol), was something that started for me really by going into a Residential Rehab Program - but it was there that I was introduced to the two 12-Step Fellowships that I consider myself a member of. There are many catch phrases from these self-sustaining programs that helped save my life, 'One Day At A Time', 'Easy Does It', and 'It Works If You Work At It'. This is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous Website about how it works:
"NA's approach to recovery is the belief in the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. Members take part in NA meetings by talking about their experiences and recovery from drug addiction. More experienced members (known as sponsors) work individually with newer members explaining the twelve steps and the program. The twelve steps are at the core of the NA program; these 'steps' are a set of concepts outlining a practical approach to recovery. By learning the tweleve steps with a sponsor and how to work the NA program addicts learn to stop using drugs and face the challenges of daily living.
Narcotics Anonymous is not a religious organisation and does not mandate any particular religious belief system. It does teach basic spiritual principles such as honesty, open-mindedness, faith, willingness, and humility that may be applied in everyday life. The specific practical application of spiritual principles is determined by each individual. Recovery in NA is not a miracle cure that happens within a given period of time. It is a process, ongoing and personal. Members make an individual decision to join and recover at their own pace."
Being able to talk with someone who you know really understands.
What I am getting to with this post and these quotes is the benefit of having a safe place to be able to talk, work things out, process, grow and change. And that in a perfect world we would all have these perfect friends and family that could (and would) know how to and choose to help has fix any problems, or difficulties that may arise because of events we have experienced. But this is not how the world is, or not how my experience of the world has been.
Even though with a Mother's love, my mother helped nurse me back to health while detoxing from a $500 a day heroin habit (almost 9 years ago), she could not help me to understand how to really get clean, stay clean, and not feel like some freak or loser because of that life experience. I got that gift through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Through people that understood, didn't judge, cared, and were there to help me help myself on a journey of recovery from my addiction.
This is the same thing that my Therapy is from the sexual indignities I've been a victim of. I wish more people could understand and support that. People like me who have experienced one of the most extreme violations of body and soul sometimes need help to learn how to be ok in the world with that stain of what happened. Therapy isn't about going x amount of times, completing A, B and C and what happened magically goes away and you get back to life as normal. I know part of it is my fault, if I had asked for help, and tried to fix the dysfunction and the broken-ness many years earlier I know I would probably not need the help I do now, or that hope might be a bit easier to find.
I went to shut down my blog again yesterday, feeling that I've just publicly embarrassed myself for the last year with everything I've written. But I had One comment of support on the Blog and One very kind DM (private message) from someone on Twitter, and that was enough to get me through. I am constantly surprised at the compassion of people I haven't met (thank you). Since Thursday I've been feeling like a lost cause, and that maybe it is a waste of money trying to help me when I don't know if I can get better - but back to the 'Just For Today', hopefully I will feel different in an hour or tomorrow.
Honey. I strongly believe that everyone's journey is different. In essence, what works for some, may not work for another. I guess that's what makes us human...our differences. Our uniqueness.
ReplyDeleteFor me writing helps. It helps heal my soul when it needs it. It also helps me document things in my life whether they are happy or sad. It’s your blog and you can say what you want. At the end of the day if people don’t like what you are saying, or find it too much then they don’t need to read it.
Hugs to you and Miss Molly.
[LIKE]
ReplyDelete(that was me hitting the like button on your comment Ness - know this ain't FB but sure seem some blogs with them, got tears reading it again - thank you for writing something to me from you)
Hugs back from me, and probably a bit of doggy kiss from Molly
Who was that kind person?
ReplyDeleteIt seems writing helps a lot of people. It is a pity I am a really bad writer. You are a good writer and I get the feeling it is or at least was something you enjoy, so keep up your blog. I am not sure if this is right, but I do enjoy reading your blog and find it very interesting.
Your blog, and others, show what it is like to experience what you have been and are going through and that survivors are real people and should not be the forgotten victims. The ones I know are compassionate people, sometimes overly so. Albeit I don't know many and only online...
Hey a lot of people who have lived with mental health issues have gone through with thinking they are worthless and a waste of money/time/other commodity. You are not the only one and I am sure the likes of Mike King, John Kirwan and myself have thought that in the past as with many other people you have known either survivors, ex-addicts (that the right term?) or even your chemist.
In response to your statement you are not sure you are worth the money or even if you can get better. I have seen you are quite the determined person and because of that you have come so far already. It is a hard journey but you have said a number of times you are willing to get better. That to me is the hardest part, deciding you can change how things are in your life and reaching out for help to change.
I know it is real hard, but don't be afraid to reach out, there are people out there who are willing to help what little they can.
Take care of yourself. And to repeat Vanessa's comment this is your blog do what you like even book reviews... well anything but shut it down.
Do what you feel is right for you. This is your life, your blog and your ability to choose which path to follow. So if you want to close the blog do so, but also think of what message that sends to yourself when you do so... sometimes the message is "I need to be safe, so it needs to close"; but sometimes when we close of things like our blogs, we're saying we're again ashamed of what happened to us. That we're at fault for the abuse we were subjected to.
ReplyDeleteWhen I question whether I'm worth the effort of healing, I'm asked whether I would question that for anyone else. If I'd never question it for anyone else, why question it for myself. You are worthy of the time, money and effort. I know how easy it can be to doubt that from the inside looking out, but please believe me when I say that you are.
Take care,
CG
[paul/silentsanta]
ReplyDeleteHey there,
I remember first visiting your blog in May last year. I saw in the paper this morning how awful ACC are being and am thinking of you. I hope they get their act into gear for you.
I also want to mention that I think your writing is very important for many reasons. For example, your account as a survivor has been positive for at least one of my friends who went through a similar experience. It's also been invaluable to me to understand how much of a battle it is for you to get the support that you need. And I'm considering a career in psychiatry / counseling and if I want to be any use to people in my career, you know, to actually help try and fix the areas where the system is so horribly failing people, I need to better understand all the cracks and seams and barriers that it places between survivors and the care they need.
So, thankyou. Thankyou for putting yourself out there; I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to do that, and to keep doing that.
If you decide to shut down your blog for yourself, if it does you more harm than good to keep doing it, then I understand and could not ask you to do otherwise. But for me and many others, what you do here has been extraordinarily valuable and I think you should know.
take care,
P.