12:10

I was having this nightmare, I had moved into this flat in a very tall building during the day, it was a Saturday. The Couple that I didn't know, who had just moved out were there in the kitchen giving me the keys, and as they were leaving told me that the fire alarm was just behind the refrigerator, I had a look and it was one of those big square red ones, with the glass that you break and the switch to hit.
Then all of a sudden I was getting into bed in this new bedroom and it was night, and dark, without a light on, but not so dark that you couldn't see - because as I was getting into bed I realised that opposite the door to the bedroom which the foot of the bed was facing, was a door with the top half of glass but still with a wood frame, like those back-door's to house's that you see - except all the glass was gone, so it was just a gap, and this door went into the flat next door. And in there were 2 of the men that raped me. And the light was shining while they came into my bed so as I looked down I could see what they were doing to me, but most of the time I tried to look at the wall, because. After awhile I was arching my body in pain with my head right back so I could see the wall upside-down behind the head of the bed, and I could see a light switch there, and I reached up and flicked the switch.

So I flicked the switch and it was 12:10am. I have a light switch on the wall above the head of my bed. I often wake my self up with sound or movements, such as screaming. But I've never done something like that before in one of my nightmares where something that is very outside myself in the real world is simultaneously in my dream and I use it obviously at the same time.

It may not seem like much for someone reading this, but apart from the obvious feelings that I have after waking up from dreaming about being raped, there are other feelings or thoughts that disturb me about how the darkness that invades my dreams brings in the present... in the middle of the night, like now, it sometimes feels like there is some dark force that is doing this to make sure that it keeps the fear fresh. I'm sure in the light of day I don't normally let myself remember something like that and if I needed to could find a simple psychological explanation that evades me right now.

I finished watching Project Runway tonight and took my pills and got straight into bed. I think like 10.30pm maybe? Then I would have read for between 20-60mins (part of the joy of meds is slightly blurry memory around that time, which is part of the point to help someone with my anxiety sleep, but I can also get panicky that if 'something' happens at that time I may not be with it enough to react fast enough and save myself - my nighttime irrational thinking that I guess I can really connect with right now!) Anyway... so max an hour and half sleep. And then in my nightmare/real-life I hit the light switch above my bed, was instantly awake with the light and movement, and looked over to see Molly blinking with a whats-going-on-now look on her face. (In case anyone has actually read in my blog before that I sleep with the lights on, I sleep with all the lights on apart from the one in my bedroom most of the time, there is light comes through the bedroom door obviously and there is also a small window between my bedroom and the bathroom on the other side, so light through there too... I do try to give it a go most nights with the bedroom light off as I find that even though the light helps with the fear somewhat, there is still some human need inside that craves some lack of glare and bright lights to fully rest)

So I thought I'd get up to write it down. Maybe that way in an hour or so I won't feel it so much. On Monday night my dream was getting raped in the caravan by C.S and my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist were there sitting in big black deck chairs. I didn't go to sleep again until it was light.

I think I'll give the posting a video blog another go, I did actually try earlier tonight, the clip was about 20 mins, and after 2 hours it was only 20% uploaded, so I abandoned it. I think that for anything longer than a few minutes I might need to see if I can find an internet cafe close by and see if it's any faster, and also I can't afford any more broadband usage than I've already got...

Going to make a second cup of tea and just sit on the couch for awhile and try and tell myself that it's ok. I'm doing my best to push back the tears and feelings and to try and think about something else, but it's hard.

Sensitive Claim Call Centre Treats Me Like Crap

I am so angry and so scared that I feel like imploding, or jumping in front of a bus. Ahhhhhh!!! I am very determinedly not cutting, but gawd this is hard.

I just got off the phone from Shonsi at the ACC Sensitive Claims Call Centre, she told me her Manager is Stacy Green but that I couldn't speak to her. Just the way she was speaking to me was awful. Like I am a piece of gum on someone's shoe. All I was asking for was for the decision they were making (the opposite of the decision I was told from the same call centre on October 7th, something Shonsi acknowledged) if I could have it in writing explaining it for me. It is really hard when someone is being rude and talking down to me on the phone to understand what is going on, that is why I asked for it in writing. She just said flat out no. I said isn't it my right to be able to request the decision in writing, she just said no. I don't want to get into the details right now cause I feel like putting my head through the window, but on October 7th I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims, was conveyed some information and told that a letter regarding this would be posted out and I would receive it in the next week. So today on the phone she at first she said that isn't what you were told, and I told her to have a look at the notes from that phone call and tell me exactly what then we were apparently speaking about, because there had been only one subject discussed concluding with me being told to wait for the mail. Eventually once I'd said this and she checked the notes, then she said 'oh this person had made a mistake then'. I said that I'd been checking the mailbox everyday, and were they going to notify me at any point that there had been a mistake made, she just said no.

I am sooooooooooooooooo sick of being treated like trash. I hate this so much.

It ended with me pleading to please have anything relating to and explaining this new decision, change of mind etc in writing so that I could understand what was going on. She just said no, I wish I had a recording of the conversation so I could post it here, so it would be possible to hear the contempt in her voice when she was saying it, NO.

Bad Thoughts

So a month or so ago together with my Psychiatrist I made the decision to increase my anti-depressants. It was a relatively new medication anyway, I had only been on a low dose for a couple of months. But I was still really struggling with getting enough sleep, both quality and quantity, due to my 'night-time anxiety' and also my nightmares often waking me up and making me fearful to go back to sleep. Also because of feelings and thoughts I was having. Even though I have a diagnosis of 'Depressive Dis-order' for me it has always been something that I suffer from as a magnification of outside events. So, if things are difficult, for example events beyond my control 'happening to me' or I am getting triggered alot about my trauma then I can get very down and overwhelmed. But for me Depression has never been something that has affected me when everything in my life is balanced and going well. It seems as though (and most Treatment Providers that have known me have said) that Depression for me is similar to Anxiety, another symptom of my PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). I know it might seem difficult to believe after alot I have written in this blog, but most people have only ever got to see the 'happy' Danielle, with only a very few that have seen me 'not well' or not doing-so-good.
So part of the feelings that I was struggling with a few weeks ago, was alot of suicidal thoughts. It was becoming a daily occurrence, and that was scaring me... luckily I have some skills to put into play when I start feeling this way, but it doesn't always make the thoughts totally go away. The biggest thing I know Is Too Just Hold On - Everything Changes Eventually, including the way I feel & if I am still here holding on when it changes then I'll get the chance to see that.

I don't know why these thoughts come sometimes and not others. There are a variety of emotions attached... shame, fear, anger, disgust...
Probably thanks to the increase in medication a few weeks ago it's been a few weeks since I started feeling this way.
But then yesterday it started. I spent about an hour last night trying to ring Lifeline but it just kept going to the recorded message that they didn't have anyone available and to phone back. It was almost midnight and I had tried phoning a couple of different people earlier, a family member and someone else. They didn't answer, I am not sure if they saw my number and didn't want to talk to me or not.

I found out last week that if you have a Review lodged with ACC over an issue, you can't take any Legal Action regarding it, it's one or the other. And neither is guaranteed obviously.
I have one thing now with ACC that I first put an Application through for in October 2008, it is still in review now, it's been almost 2 years and still no idea when it will be sorted.
And now I have to try and decide about trying to get a review on their bullshit decision regarding my treatment. Which mean that the small amount of treatment I've had and paid for by borrowing money left, right and center (thinking of course this will get sorted out and the ACC subsidised portion would be able to be paid back) is just forgotten about if I try for the review 'option', or going the Legal way, selling more stuff (clothes and book... bbq... tv) to be able to stand up for myself, and say, that's not ok how you've treated me.

At the beginning of this year I thought of a friend who had been involved (she had cancer) when patients, mainly women I think, were campaigning and asking for Herceptim to be provided or subsidised for the treatment of breast cancer. I actually knew two women who were diagnosed withen 24hours of each other, they subsequently went on to attend alot of their treatment together. BUT at the time, One of them had insurance, and One of them didn't. 'Had-insurance-woman' had her Heceptim paid for by the insurance company, she spent alot of time at home resting, eating Organic Food, playing video games, and watching movies. 'UN-Insured Woman' was constantly on the go, I think working still, she had alot of support but had to go far as fund-raising to get the treatment she needed to save her life. Thankfully through in part due to same brave Women standing up and speaking out, I believe that funding has changed somewhat, and the 'un-insured' are able to access this treatment.

But that's how it felt at the beginning of this year, I felt like I was standing in the eye of a hurricane watching everything tumble and spin around me, dangerous and out of control... and I thought this is how women must have felt when the were diagnosed with breast cancer and they new that they couldn't afford the treatment.

Just because PTSD is not something you can put under a microscope, it doesn't mean it isn't real. It's real for me and I hate what happened to me SO MUCH, and I wish I couldn't remember things that I can... and I wish my therapy would've been able to finish.

I've got know idea if the above will make sense, it either will or I'll look totally pathetic. I don't know any answers right now.

Off The Couch (Quote)

Here is an excerpt from Kyle MacDonald's Latest Blog Post 'Off The Couch'

"Most damning, and most encouraging for the future of Sensitive Claims, is the findings of the legal opinion commissioned by the Review panel which found that the interpretation of the legislation and common law used by ACC to justify these changes (the “aw schucks we can’t do anything, it’s the law” argument) was just plain wrong:


“Thus, while the Court provides some support for the principle that a DSM-IV diagnosis is one authoritative means of establishing “mental injury”, it is stretching the decision beyond its capacity to argue that it supports a legal principle that a DSM-IV diagnosis is the only means of establishing “mental injury.”


Furthermore they go on to roundly criticize the change in application of the definition of causality that has resulted in so many claims being declined:


“As a result, ACC will have to exercise considerable care in declining claims on the basis that the sexual abuse was not the exclusive or sole cause of the mental injury; or that the claimant came from a dysfunctional childhood background and that the sexual abuse was part of that context, and it is therefore not possible to assign a causal link between the sexual abuse and the current mental injury… …Because very little in the experience of life has an exclusive or single cause, it is unrealistic, and seems unduly restrictive and unfair in the context of multiple causes of a claimant’s mental injury, for it to be a requirement that the claimant prove on the balance of probabilities that the sexual abuse constitutes the sole or exclusive cause of the claimant’s mental injury. This seems especially so in the context of childhood sexual abuse, where there is a high likelihood of a generally dysfunctional environment, of which the sexual abuse forms a significant part. It is well established in common law cases of causation that exclusive causation is not required to be proved, and that often a “material contribution” to the injury or a showing of “substantial cause” is sufficient to establish the causal nexus.”


These findings are game changing. They open up the process for a return to a structure that more closely resembles the previous structure than anything else, including counselors once again being able to assess their own clients:


“there seems to be nothing in the legislation ... which would restrict ACC from accepting a clinician without a DSM-IV qualification, as having the necessary clinical training and expertise to provide expert advice on the existence or otherwise of ‘clinically significant behavioural, cognitive, or psychological dysfunction.’”


And:


“It will be important that the Massey Guidelines principles of safety, client focus, and the therapeutic relationship are considered when developing the assessment process. The assessors should themselves be experts who have worked with sexual abuse victims. There will need to be a sufficient workforce so that clients can be assessed without undue delay.”



Implementation is now the name of the game. And ACC are consulting with representatives of the sector now, myself included. The devil will be in the detail, as they say, but at least we now have a document that we can hold ACC accountable to. And that is thanks to all of you, providers and survivors, who put so much work into your submissions. If you haven’t already read the Review Panel report, I suggest you do. It is very validating of all our hard work.


Overall I have struggled throughout this process to know whether all of this madness has been the result of outright incompetence from ACC, or malicious intent. The latter seems evident in stories such as those highlighted in the recent Sunday Star Times expose of the possible involvement of Dr. Felicity Goodyear Smith; the former, namely incompetence, is the tune the review panel plays.

I think I’ve reached the point now where I don’t really care either way. ACC owes New Zealand an apology regardless, and sorry may very well go a long way towards earning back the trust of a very angry and disillusioned sector.

They certainly owe an apology to all those who have suffered, still suffer and some who may have even lost their life, as a direct result of this ill-informed and incompetent little “experiment.”"

Kyle MacDonald is an enlightened soul, who has campaigned tirelessly for victim's rights of fair-care and healing - and he's quite clever too! So you know what, Kyle, you have played a intergral part in shining the light on the truth over this last year, so Bravo! to you, and good on you through all this madness for staying solution focused. You can find his blog by clicking HERE.

Band-Aid Medication

It's just starting to rain, fat & heavy drops. The sky is grey and the wind is howling through the trees outside my window.

So on Thursday last week I realised that I would run out of 2 of my medications in a couple of days, Saturday to be precise. And it's rather important to be precise when it comes to medication for the mentally ill (like me I guess). So I rung one of my treatment provider's, and spoke to the Receptionist and spelt out the names of the Meds, and explained that they would need to be faxed, not posted, because I would need to pick them up either tomorrow or the next day (which was either Friday or Saturday then). My chemist is closed on a Sunday you see, which is fine, there is one across the road that is open 7 days, but they arn't as nice. And for someone like me, who gets the 'High-user Healthcare Card' 2 weeks into the year... and as well some who is well, extra sensitive sometimes, it's nice to have a nice Pharmacist. So I then gave them the Chemist's name, address and fax number (even though I knew it was already in my file somewhere, it's nice to be helpful); And then before I got off the phone, just said again how I only had 2 days worth left (cause I'm an anxious, insecure mess most of the time these days, I may as well be honest).

So late Friday morning I walked up to the Chemist and no scripts had come through for me. That was okay, you know it's actually not all about me, and things don't always happen instantaneously, I had a chat with one of the girls in there about the storm that was meant to be hitting over the weekend. I left saying that I would just come back tomorrow and get it.

So Saturday, the Chemist shuts at 2pm I think, so I have to make sure I get there before that if I am going. And I am, or I was... so I go up, and they don't have any fax scripts for me. Now luckily I know that there is a pretty good chance that I can explain the situation and they may choose to give me enough medication to see me through until Monday. So now I need to start explaining, wondering whether or not 'it's ok', whether I sound like a lying drug seeker, or a person who has run out of their med's and the treatment provider forgot to send the fax. My chest gets very tight. The Pharmacist listens, and then gives me 2 days worth and say's 'See you Monday then'. I walk home, tears streaming down my cheeks from I don't know what, feeling stupid somehow that I can't understand or describe.

So then Monday comes, yesterday. And I am not going to risk ACTUALLY going into the chemist unless that script is there... because it will just be too overwhelming... and then I think that if it will be remembered and faxed, it probably won't happen early in the day, so I wait until 3pm and then phone the chemist and ask if there has been a script come through. No.
Crap.

I've had about 45mins sleep in the last 48hrs and my head is a bit spastic. I rang the chemist today at lunchtime and they still didn't have a fax, and I don't think it's very safe for me to go another 24hours... so I tentatively phone the Receptionist, explain the situation, and ask for the Treatment Provider to phone. That was a few hours ago. So an hour ago I rang the chemist... still nothing... only a couple of hours till closing, starting to panic. I just phoned back and the Receptionist said she just faxed it through.... I asked if there was a message or did they say they were going to call... she didn't think so.

I'm not angry at anyone. All my Treatment Provider's are wonderful people, who time and again have shown compassion and patience towards me, but who are also human, are busy, and surprise surprise - it's not all about me, I know that.

I'm just feeling down about trying to manage a problem with medication that needs more than just the band-aid that med's provide. Sometimes a band-aid is a good thing so healing can have a chance to happen... just feel frustrated with what has happened with my healing.

I have a mental illness, I am clean and in recovery from addiction, but am reliant on meds. I have trust and faith that in my Treatment Provider's, but there are more side-effects to meds than just the physical I guess is what I am trying to say.

Gotta wrap up warm and head out to the chemist now. Molly has been limping lately when it is cold (she was run over about 3 1/2 years ago and her back knee was re-built)... so will leave her at home even though I feel a bit safer when I go out and she is with me - not that she'd probably know how to even do anything to anyone if they tried to hurt me, she is such a wuss!

Hope everyone out there (in my computer) is doing okay, is keeping warm and safe in these trying times.

Nick Smith doesn't bother to answer Annette King re: ACC Sensitive Claims Disaster

An extract from:
Questions and Answers - 14 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010, 5:28 pm
Press Release: Office of the Clerk
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1009/S00215/questions-and-answers-14-september-2010.htm

Accident Compensation Corporation—Performance

4. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Is he satisfied with the performance of ACC?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Generally, yes, I am very satisfied. The Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has made huge progress in reversing years of huge deficits, and has markedly improved rehabilitation rates. The one area that I am not satisfied with is sensitive claims, which make up 0.2 percent of claims. That is why I instigated an independent clinical review of ACC’s processes, and I am pleased with the way that ACC has responded to the clinical panel’s recommendations.

Hon Annette King: What discussions, if any, has he had with ACC in light of the fact that there has been a drop of around 6,250 people getting elective surgery funded through the scheme since he became the Minister, and that, on the current track, that drop could reach 10,000 people by December; and is he concerned about the impact this huge reduction is having on injured New Zealanders?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: In respect of elective surgery, it is true that under the previous Government ACC was funding elective surgery that was not injury-related, and that is why ACC is properly meeting its requirements. The drop in the number of claims in that area is way over the increases in elective surgery that my colleague Tony Ryall has provided for under Vote Health.

Hon Annette King: Has he received correspondence from orthopaedic surgeons like the correspondence that I have here in my hand, which states that 80 percent of patients with shoulder injuries are being refused surgery because of changes made by ACC since he became the Minister, and that when those patients do win on review 4 to 6 months after the accident, they have irreparable damage to their shoulders because of the delay?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, I have received some correspondence from orthopaedic surgeons, and I have met with them. We have a panel—[Interruption] Well, I might get to it, if members take the time to listen. The Government and ACC have ensured that those who are eligible for accident compensation actually get it. When we look at the cases that have been reviewed, we see that under the National Government there has been no change from the position under the previous Government in the number of decisions being overturned. In fact, approximately 80 percent of those decisions are being supported through that review process.

Michael Woodhouse: How has ACC responded to the Canterbury earthquake, and has he been satisfied with that performance?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The corporation has responded very effectively to the Canterbury earthquake. There have been 830 claims lodged for injuries associated with the earthquake, and they are being effectively managed, despite two of the scheme’s three offices in the region being closed for the first week of the civil emergency. The corporation quickly made contact with all 550 serious injury claimants to ensure their well-being over the course of the last week. ACC has deferred collection of accident compensation levies from Canterbury businesses, because they are under pressure. I also note that ACC has made 20 of its staff available to assist the Earthquake Commission, which is under huge pressure with regard to case management. I think that is the sort of cooperation we would want from Government agencies when we face a catastrophe the size of Canterbury’s earthquake.

Hon Annette King: Is he aware that the New Zealand Orthopaedic Association has reviewed the criteria that ACC experts are using to assess shoulder surgery since he became the Minister, and has found that they are grossly simplified and do not take account of the loss of function at the time of the accident; and will he ensure that ACC listens to the association’s advice? After all, they are the real experts.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I certainly accept that orthopaedic surgeons have a very real interest in their patients, but we should not be naive; they also have a very real interest in the fact that ACC pays far more generously for surgery than Vote Health does. It is my view that we need to ensure that decisions about orthopaedic surgery are made by the clinicians, not politicians.

Michael Woodhouse: Mr Speaker—

Hon Annette King: Good Lord!

Michael Woodhouse: I have never been called that.

Mr SPEAKER: I do not think that was at all necessary.

Michael Woodhouse: What is the recent performance of ACC in respect of rehabilitation, and is he satisfied with this performance?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: ACC’s improved performance in rehabilitation rates has been absolutely outstanding. In fact, despite significant declines in 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, over the last year there has been a 3 percent improvement in rehabilitation rates, which means that thousands of New Zealanders are back at work earlier than they would have been under the previous Government. I am surprised that members opposite are so opposed to effective rehabilitation. Those improved rehabilitation rates are one of the reasons that the scheme, rather than losing $2.4 billion in the last full year in which Labour was in office, is now in far more robust financial shape.

Hon Annette King: Has he seen the announcement from the National Foundation for the Deaf 4 days ago that ACC has also got wrong the criteria for workplace hearing injuries, and in light of the fact that it took over a year of clinical and public pressure before the Minister and ACC admitted that the had got wrong the criteria for sensitive claims for sexual abuse, will he listen to their clinicians before any more damage is done to those people who have been denied help?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I have met with the Deaf Association and with the key associations with expertise in audiology. The key element that those organisations accept, which is the Government’s position, is that age is not an accident, and that it is not right that accident compensation pick up the cost of the very substantive bill associated with age-related hearing loss. That is not the function of the scheme

Sigh... I was just speaking with someone and saying that I had finally managed to finish reading the CLINICAL REVIEW OF THE ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMS CLINICAL PATHWAY Report and that I was blown away by the thoroughness of the Panel and the Document. BUT I then said that given my experiences of the last year (or even just the last month!) that I still feel gun shy when it comes to trusting ACC.
So on that note, was disappointed to see that when Annette King gave Nick Smith the opportunity to speak about the Report, Changes, and Healing that needs to happen to do with ACC Sensitive Claims, that as far as I can see he did not attempt to even make mention in his reply.
It feels like a good analogy of Nick Smith's attitude towards Sensitive Claims, not even worth a mention apparently. Shame on you Nick, BUT IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO SAY SORRY AND BEGIN TO MAKE AMENDS - CHANGE MAY BE HARD NICK, BUT IT WON'T BE HARDER THAN WHAT ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMANTS HAVE BEEN THROUGH...

Recommendation 11 of 'Clinical Review of the ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway' Report

The highly anticipated Report from the Panel for 'CLINICAL REVIEW OF THE ACC SENSITIVE CLAIMS CLINICAL PATHWAY' was released yesterday. I haven't as yet read the whole document, I spent about 15 minutes reading it yesterday and was sitting on the couch crying so hard I had to stop, I think in light of and on top of the 'decision' and 'treatment' I've received it was all a bit much. Anything to do with ACC now increases my anxiety and triggers feelings of fear and hopelessness.
But saying that, what I have read so far is EXTREMELY HOPEFUL. It seems as if the Panel have done a wonderful job, and there is much more of a chance now of victims of Sexual Abuse and Rape being able to access the care they need in the future. And in my situation at the moment I am trying to think that writing this blog and going to speak in front of the Panel, and being open with my situation publicly in the Sunday Star Times, even if I am not going to get the care I need, at least it was worth it if it means that future Survivors wanting to get help to help themselves will never have to suffer the indignities and difficulties that I've been put through by ACC.
In light of my blog's purpose, to document openly MY experiences with ACC I'm posting a large portion of my DATA (Diagnostic & Treatment Assessment Report) which I attended at the end of October. After a 2 minute phone call from my Case Manager (Selena Domingaz) at ACC to tell me that I only had 5 remaining sessions of subsidised therapy, and me collapsing when I was out; my wonderful Therapist then got on the case & worked out they'd suddenly 'decided' I'd never had a DATA so they were going to stop my care. My Therapist (recognising the urgency perhaps) went to great lengths to set up a DATA with an ACC Authorised Treatment Provider very quickly.
When reading this keep in mind this from the recent Report:

" Recommendation 11
That a proportion of claimants may be required to undergo an assessment for cover from an assessor who is not their treatment provider before a decision about cover is taken or to review ongoing therapy. These assessors should themselves be experts who have worked with sexual abuse victims and, wherever possible and desired by the client, the client’s usual treatment provider should also be involved in the formal assessment process and in determining appropriate treatment goals and plans."

Page 1


Pages 2-4 contain some quite historic personal information about my actual attacks, so I will list the headings of what is covered on the missing pages:
- Method of Addressing Referral
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Re experiencing the trauma
- Avoidance of Stimuli Associated with the Trauma
- Increased Arousal Symptoms
- Depression
- Past Mental Health History
- Medication
- Family History
- Relationship History
- Mental Status
- Formulation

Page 5


Page 6


Page 7


Page 8


Page 9


Page 10



Hopefully it is all readable! Can someone please let me know? It is really important to me that it is, so if it isn't I will amend this post and ensure it is.

Out of a WHOLE 10 pages there is only 1 SENTENCE referring to 'Segar House' as POSSIBLE extra ON TOP OF and SUPERVISED by the Therapist I was seeing. Yeah, that's right, the 'Highly Qualified and Experienced ACC Assessor' recommended in October 2009 that I remain attending sessions with my therapist then. But of course that is NOT what ACC decided or actioned :(

This is just one of many pieces of Clinical Evidence showing that ACC's actions and decisions around my Sensitive Claim, Care and Treatment decisions over the last 11 months, and up to and including the most recent Letter, have been at best a series of terribly damaging mistakes, and at worst, something I can't fully describe but what feels at times like being treated like 'something to be gotten rid of' through calculated manipulation. It's left me physically, mentally, emotionally and financially broken. Because of me scrambling to try and pay lawyer's fee's & attempting to try and finance the care I need over this time, I am now for the first time in my life up to my neck in debt and that I can't see my way out of. I now can't afford to even get a bus to therapy and back, let alone get my dog the medical (vet) care she needs or pay my rates.
The nightmares are worse than ever.

The Latest with My ACC In-Sensitive Claim

In case it isn't possible to read the scanned copy of letter:

"31 August 2010
Danielle Martin
**********
**********
**********
****

Dear Ms Martin

We're sorry, we can't fund any further treatment
Ms Danielle Martin DOB:**/**/****

Your treatment provider ***** ***** has applied to ACC on your behalf for help with the cost of your treatment. Decisions regarding treatment requests are made on an individual basis and after careful consideration of the information we hold, we're sorry to say your application has not been approved.

Why we can't approve your application
We're unable to approve your application because the available information suggests that while treatment may be recommended for your current condition, that condition is not related to the injury you sustained on 05/10/2000.

ACC believes you currently require treatment that would be best met at Segar House. The programme at Segar House will provide you with a safe and therapeutic environment that is targeted to your current presentation. The level of treatment required would not be ment in one on one counselling sessions and therefore treatment through Segar House is more appropriate at this time. This has been discussed extensively with your treating psychiatrist Dr ***** and counsellor ***** *****. A referral was to be made by Dr ***** through the DHB to Segar House for more intensive therapeutic treatment, which ACC understands you have declined.

ACC is mandated to provide and fund treatment that is appropriate and necessary and at the quality required for the purposes of restoring your health to the maximum extent practicable. Until treatment at Segar House is successfully completed, ACC is not able to provide any further treatment for your covered mental injuries of Depressive Disorder and PTSD.

What happens now
We've written to your ***** ***** with our decision and we suggest that you discuss your treatment needs with them. If you have further written medical information in support of this application we may be able to reconsider our decision.

We're happy to answer your questions
Please call us on 0800 101 996 if you would like to talk about this decision. We'll be happy to answer any questions, if you have any concerns, work with you to resolve these.

If you're still not happy, the enclosed information sheet, Working Together, tells you about the different options we offer, including independent reviews. For reviews, you need to apply in writing within 3 months of our decision. Later applications may be accepted if factors ourside your control stopped you from applying in time.

Yours sincerely
Michelle Wogan
Case Manager
Telephone: 0800 735566"

A REPORT FROM MY PSYCHATRIST, THE 'DR' REFERRED TO IN THE LETTER FROM ONE OF MY LAST ACC SUBSIDISED SESSIONS:

"02 Dec 2009

Ms Selena Dominguez
Case Manager, ACC
via email

cc:
Dr * ******

Dear Selena

Re: Ms Danielle Martin
**********
**********
**********

Danielle was seen today for review. Please find following, details of the consultation, and please note myt recommendations re ongoing therapy, and request for approval of a small number of follow-up sychiatric reviews over the coming 6-9 months.

Date of session: 2 December 2009
Session type: Psychiatric
Goals for session: Review progress and plan

Updated History
Danielle has come through the stress of the need to terminate with her therapist, in terms of no suicidal thinking for the past week and no further self-harming behaviour. However she cannot contemplate having to engage with another therapist, and having prior to this felt she was making significant progress finally and could start to have hope for the future, is now feeling that the "rug has been pulled from under her yet again...", and is struggling to retain hope that she will recover over time.

Danielle remains needing large doses of hypnosedatives to get at least a minimal nights sleep (3-4 hrs), and with nightly re-experiencing of past rape via very distressing nightmares. She is aware that when she is ready/able to cope with it, that EMDR treatment does at least offer the chance of relief of these more acute PTSD symptoms.

A long session was spent today processing a range of issues related to the recent events incl the ACC/funding issues, reviewing current treatment, and also me giving my recommendations re "where to from here" in terms of what is ideal separate from any funding constraints. My recommendations, based on consideration of Danielle's issues and my understanding of her developed over the months I have known her, and developed with condieration of her own wishes but certainly not based on what she wants, are:

i) That 4-8 weekly psychiatric overview continue for at least the next 6-9 mths, and that we look to progress a trial of stopping **********(medication) and commencing **********(medication).

ii) That Danielle has made progress in therapy since her psychiatric conditions were better treated, and that disrupting this therapy in her case is not in my opinion in her best interests currently - that the present therapy arrangements should continue.

iii) That I will communicate my opinion as above to Danielle's ACC case manager.

iv) That we review her readiness to engage in a period of EMDR over time with a view to successfully undetaking this treatment at some point within the next 6-9 mths.

v) That supporting Danielle towards greater independance is key to her ongoing recovery; she has made steady progress in this regard over the past 12 months.

Medications
02-Dec-2009 ********** 37.5Mg Modified Release Cap
SIGS : use to reduce and stop ********** QTY: 30

02-Dec-2009 ********** 75Mg Modified Release Cap
SIGS : 1 nocte QTY: 30

02-Dec-2009 ********** 5Mg Tab
SIGS : 1-2 nocte QTY: 45

02-Dec-2009 ********** 7.5Mg Tab
SIGS : 1-2 nocte QTY: 45


Yours sincerely


Dr ***** *****"

Just a girl, drowning ♥

Parliament Q&A on ACC (17/08/10) & Denise Cosgrove has a Laugh

I know that Annalise has covered this already in her excellent blog The Swamp Report, with not only the text but also the video available to watch. I don't have sound on my old clunker of a laptop, but I get the daily 'Posting to Parliament Wire of Scoop' from scoop.co.nz (very handy, can just organise quite simply on their site a whole range of things to be sent to your email daily or weekly), so basically I get the daily Questions & Answers from Parliament in my email inbox within 24hrs of them sitting. It's good for me because I'm not always up to going online every day, and I believe that WE have the right AND should take advantage of that right to know exactly What Is Going On In Parliamentary Sessions.
So the below is quoted from the Scoop Q&A Email I received, it refers to number 3 of the 12 questions in the house that day, the 17 August 2010

Accident Compensation—Sensitive Claims and Sexual Abuse Victims

3. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Does he stand by his statement on Radio New Zealand’s Checkpoint programme of 12 August 2010 “I’m not satisfied that ACC has handled the issue of counselling services for sensitive claims that well. I’m going to await the final report from the independent clinical panel before drawing final conclusions.”; if so, why?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Yes, I do. I have been consistently cautious about interfering in the clinical decisions of the Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) in this sensitive area. But given the level of concern from colleagues and the
public I have established an independent clinical panel to review the corporation’s approach. That panel is doing a very professional and thorough job.

Hon Annette King: Does he now accept that he was warned by clinicians, by survivors, by he National Council of Women, and by 3,976 people who, last October, signed a petition that stated: “By doing nothing and allowing these changes to occur unhindered you are choosing to make recovery from horrific abuse harder for some
of the most vulnerable members of this society.”?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I draw the member’s attention to the advice from the Royal New Zealand Colleague of General Practitioners, and I quote what it said in November last year: “All the clinical evidence suggests that the new approach ACC is adopting will
be in the best interests of the patient”. Given that sort of advice I have been cautious about getting involved in a clinical debate where I am not well qualified, but in response to the concerns of colleagues like Chester Borrows, Jackie Blue, and
Nikki Kaye, I have set up an independent clinical panel and I will be ensuring that the advice of that panel is taken by the ACC to ensure that we are providing proper care for people who are sexually abused.

Hon Annette King: Did the ACC advise him that the process to change the clinical framework or clinical pathway was started under a Labour Government as he has claimed many times; if so, when?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, that is the advice I have received. There was concern in the research that was commissioned in 2003, at Massey University, by the previous Government. The key element—and I am not an expert on the clinical issues—is that the clinical concern in that research was that unlimited counselling would do more harm than good for sensitive claimants. I am advised by the ACC that the changes in the pathway were begun in 2008.

Michael Woodhouse: What steps has the Minister taken to try to have the issues over sensitive claims addressed as quickly as possible?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The independent clinical panel wrote to me on 16 July seeking an extension of time until September to enable it to provide a comprehensive report. My concern was that this delay would put back the addressing of the problems in relation
to providing for sensitive and vulnerable claimants. I agreed to the extension until mid-September subject to the panel providing interim recommendations. On receiving those recommendations I immediately wrote to the ACC board seeking their implementation as quickly as possible, which the board has done.

Hon Annette King: In light of the Minister’s answer to my previous question, is he saying that the ACC was not telling the truth when less than 1 month ago, in answer to an official information request, it said: “No work was undertaken on either the clinical framework or the clinical pathway prior to 2009”, and when it also said that the clinical framework was developed by the clinical services directorate in 2009, long after a Labour Government had left?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand—[Interruption]

Mr SPEAKER: I apologise to the Minister. I believe that the member has asked a serious question, and the member’s colleagues should listen to the answer.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand by the advice I have been given by the ACC, which is that the work on the clinical pathways began in 2008, prior to the change of Government, as those documents make plain. Labour has tried to politicise this issue, but the
changes in sensitive claims have been totally driven by the ACC’s clinicians, not by Ministers. They have not been driven by Cabinet but by clinicians trying to do their very best for sensitive claimants.

Hon Annette King: I seek leave to table a document from the ACC, dated 30 July 2010, that points out that no work was done on the clinical framework or clinical pathway prior to 2009.

Mr SPEAKER: Leave is sought to table that document. Is there any objection? There is no objection. Document, by leave, laid on the Table of the House.

Hon Annette King: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. The Minister said that he had quoted from official documents from the ACC. I ask that he table them.

Mr SPEAKER: No, I do not believe that the Minister had an official document in his hand when he was answering that question.

Michael Woodhouse: What were underlying concerns that the ACC had that led to the changes, and has the Minister received any advice on whether those concerns were valid?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The concern that the corporation’s clinicians had, backed up by comprehensive research, was that ongoing unlimited counselling of victims of sexual abuse could lead to more harm than good. The clinical panel has confirmed the validity of this research and the need for professional oversight by psychiatrists
and psychologists to ensure that long-term counselling is both beneficial and appropriate. I am advised by the clinical panel that where the corporation erred was in requiring such an assessment for all claimants when insufficient professional support was not available, resulting in unacceptable delays in providing care. I am confident that with the support and advice of the independent clinical panel we can improve the support provided for sensitive claimants.

Craig Foss: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. During that exchange, and prior to it, the member Darren Hughes questioned whether the Minister was telling the truth, quite a few times. Members cannot do that; all members are honourable. I ask that
the member reflect on that and withdraw.

Mr SPEAKER: The member has taken offence, and, strictly, the member should not imply—

Hon Darren Hughes: I was very careful in what I said, Mr Speaker. I—

Mr SPEAKER: The member will not repeat what he said. I heard very clearly what the member said. Another member has taken offence. A member should not imply that another member is not telling the truth. I ask the Hon Darren Hughes to stand, withdraw, and
apologise.

Hon Darren Hughes: I withdraw and apologise.

Mr SPEAKER: Lynne Pillay; a supplementary question. [Interruption]
I say to the Labour front bench that I have called one of their colleagues. I expect them to show some courtesy to their own colleague.

Lynne Pillay: Will the Minister now require the ACC to identify the estimated 2,000 people who were unable to participate in his Government’s accident compensation process because it was too traumatic; and will he offer them counselling?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: As of Monday the corporation is offering 16 counselling sessions for those people who seek the services of counsellors. The corporation will work through a final solution when the full report is available from the independent clinical panel. I point out to the members opposite who are interjecting
that way in excess of 2,000 accident compensation claimants were turned down for counselling during the time of the previous Government. In fact, when Labour was in Government, half of those who sought counselling were turned down.

Hon Annette King: When the Minister said in the Nelson Mail last week that “Some days I’m in politics and I think ‘What the hell am I doing?’.”, will he now accept that the victims of his bungled policy are asking the same question?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: It is a pity that the member chooses to selectively quote. The overwhelming point I would make—[Interruption] Well, the comment was made in reference to visiting an oil rig in Tasman Bay, and I am not sure that that is particularly relevant to the issue of sensitive claims. Members opposite have attempted to play politics with this highly sensitive issue. [Interruption]
They have—they have played it for all it is worth, when all the papers show that this issue is, in essence, a clinical issue in which neither I as Minister nor the board, for that matter, has made substantive decisions.

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1008/S00258/questions-and-answers-17-august-2010.htm

I am posting this to allow anyone reading my blog to be able to stay informed. I know I have one very loyal 'blog supporter' (Ringonz/Chris, thanks for your comments, at the very least it's nice sometimes to know that at least one person is reading this), and I know there are others who have kindly lent their supportive comments when possible.

With regard to the above I think I am almost too tired to have an opinion, but go Annette King! Right?! As I've said before I'm not out to vilify ACC or any particular individuals but in the 're-structuring' of a kind, fair, viable and functional Unit or Service to provide the financial assistance for Survivors of Rape, Sexual Abuse and Assault, with the amount of damage that has been done over the last 10 months, the amount of (needless) pain and suffering that has been caused directly by ACC's (and not just the organisation, INDIVIDUALS who have made choices within that organisation) actions; there is going to need to be some acceptance and accountability for wounds to be soothed. Trust me, by this point, I know that just because I am saying (and am probably right) that it should happen, that it will have any chance of ACTUALLY occurring. It sounds cliche (cause it is), but What Is The World Coming To, or What Have We Come To In NZ with ALL of this.

Some of you either through twitter or not, may know I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was trying to go through ACC documents (I have probably about 10inchs of A4 documents) and was trying to write a 'Solution-Focused' Letter, I had written half a page and was re-reading ACC Communication to me and about me, and I decided that I would like to speak to Denise Cosgrove, just for 5 minutes, with my proposed solutions. I thought that since SHE had chosen to involve herself in my claim that by rights I could request just a couple of minutes of her time. I was very calm at this stage.
Anyway, 2 hours and many phone calls later, it was obvious that Ms Cosgrove was never going to speak to me. By this stage I had progressed far past calm to very very upset. The kick in the teeth was when I discovered after an hour or so transferred around the Sensitive Claims Unit was that Denise works in the 'Corporate Office', the number of which is on ACC's 'Contact Us By Phone Page', so I rang that number and it was answered by a woman called Natalie or something like that. I asked to speak to Denise and she said that she could put me through to Eleni Simons, PA to GM Claims Management, ACC (Denise's Assistant?), so she put me through.
At this point it was one those surreal moments, it picked up straight away and I could hear a woman speaking, but it was like when someone's mobile phone rings you from their bag and you can hear them speaking but from a distance. She obviously had no idea that I was connected there, listening to her speaking to someone. She was saying

"yeah I know, it's the second client that's tried to get through here today so I'm just not going to take any calls at all"

then there was a pause as she was listening to someone else speak I guess, and THEN I HEARD HER SAY,

"oh yeah, well I'm definitely not talking to THEM" and then she laughed.

I'm sitting on the end of the phone just wanting 2 minutes of this person's time, calm, but with tears streaming down my face, and then when I heard that I lost it. It was at that point I heard the clunking noise of a receiver being replaced and then I was cut off. Even though I was hysterically upset I phoned back, just to see if it was true what I had overheard her saying, and was told by the person answering the phone that there was no way Eleni or Denise would speak to me.

So yesterday turned out to be a write-off, a nightmare for me, I ended up letting myself down by self-harming, and in the grips of my PTSD could not see why there was any point in my life.
Today I am just holding on for a bit. I must resemble something from 'One flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest', and I might be a little nuts, but I AM NOT CRAZY.
I can't believe she laughed.

ACC ignores me, again, i just don't matter.

This is an email that I sent to the following Staff Members at ACC on Wednesday 11th August. It is now Saturday and I have had no response, acknowledgement, or anything in anyway in reply, let alone an actual answer to my question. I'm not even worth an acknowledgement.

Subject: Urgent Question regarding recent Press Release
T0:Selena Dominguez selena.dominguez@acc.co.nz; Rachael Stephenson rachael.stephenson@acc.co.nz; Jen Lofthouse jen.lofthouse@acc.co.nz; Michelle Wogen michelle.wogan@acc.co.nz

Dear Jen,

I understand that you are my acting Case Manager in Michelle Wogan's absence. However I am uncertain if Michelle Wogan is my Case Manager as there was a written agreement in my file to inform in writing myself and my Treatment Providers if there is a change in Case Manager, and this has not happened. I have had no information otherwise that my Case Manager has been changed from Selena Dominguez, except as an aside on the ending of a Cover Letter with a Courier Package I recieved from ACC recently.

In regards to this confusion I am copying this to not only Michelle, but also to Selena, and also to Rachael Stephenson who I understand to be the new General Manager. As you can see I am also copying this to **** **** as my treating Psychotherapist and also **** ****, my ACC Advocate. I would like your reply correspondence to be cc'd to these two people.
With regard to the recent media release made by ACC: http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/print.html?path=PO1008/S00131/extra-support-for-sexual-abuse-survivors.htm as in this link, I need a fairly urgent reply to the Question:

Under the terms of this Information will I be granted immediate subsidised care?

I think I probably know the answer to this but I require an answer in writing urgently, before the end of working day tomorrow, Thursday 12 August.

Regards
Danielle Martin

You see, on Wednesday, when all the 'NEWS' started coming out with regards to ACC Sensitive Claims as I've said in a previous post I was doing my best to understand what it all meant.
Though I am an ardent Supporter of most of the Organisations, People and Services under the 'Helpful Sites/Info for Survivors' box to the right of the screen; AND also part of writing this blog, exposing my 'story' publicly and speaking out IS ABOUT ME BELIEVING IN THE NEED FOR A FAIR AND JUST SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR SURVIVING VICTIMS OF RAPE, SEXUAL ABUSE & TRAUMA, and me have been trying to do 'my bit' in anyway I can for other's currently and those to come who through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN MAY HAVE NEED OF A SAFE SERVICE.
I am also a Victim/Survivor myself, who has been on what I can only describe as a Roller-coaster Ride (provided by ACC) in the Theme-Park called life. Now I've been through the 'House of Horrors', the 'Mirrored Maze', and even the 'Ghost Train'. It's been a 'Roller-coaster Ride' that I have had no way to get off of, there has been no 'this way out' provided. It has been going round and round and up and down, going slowly sometimes and never knowing whether there is a sharp turn or a scream inducing drop up next. I have been treated at best like a problem to be dealt with, at worst AS A NOTHING, just a claim number and a statistic that will drop through the crack.

You will notice in the above email that I refer to 'my current treating Psychotherapist', I am now, and have been for sometime in the position that if I want to see any of my Treatment Provider's that I have try and borrow money that I have no idea if and when I'll be able to pay back or try to understand and accept offers of heavily discounted services, when in all truth that is not really fair on them.

I've been trying to scan/upload/attach the relevant documents so you could see them for yourself, so they are on here as proof, but I am tired and not tech-savy enough to manage it. So you'll have to believe me that a quote from the letter that I received on 30 July 2010 from ACC says:

"ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House..."

Segar House, that old chestnut... I don't have the energy to write ALL the information attaching ALL the links here. It's all through my posts, it's not where I am 'meant' to be going, except according to Denise Cosgrove, Peter Jensen, and Gillian Pow.

I am tired, I am don't have any 'BRAVE' left, I am so very tired of being so scared, I am so ashamed of the way I am.

ACC - Turn Around OR Running For Cover

Starting yesterday there's been a flurry of activity online with Articles, Media Releases, Tweets and Blogposts relating to ACC Sensitive Claims.

The first I was aware of was through a couple of emails, one from a friend with a cut and paste version of the media statement & then, the latest Blogpost from Kyle MacDonald - "Off the Couch - Light at the end of the tunnel?"

Reading through this I also checked online and read the ACC Media Release on Scoop entitled "Extra support for sexual abuse survivors", but printed it off and went and sat down outside for a few minutes to read it properly, and digest WHAT IT ALL REALLY MEANS. (with the beginning of suspicious feelings at the use of the words "Provides Extra Support", when in fact there has been NO support for many months, does 'Extra' = 'drop in the proverbial bucket of crisis', AND is this a seemingly predictable National PR action of take everything away/threaten or action worse case scenario AND THEN once the terror of it all with time has sunk in, the 'HANDOUT' (pittance) is so gratefully received that 'The People' only see this 'White Knight Approach' to a big old dragon actually created by the Knight in the first place)

Firstly, and thankfully, that someone walking into a Counselor's/Treatment Provider's office, either through self-referral or through something like a GP or Hospital or even Victim Support referral, 'New Claimants/Victims' CAN GET IMMEDIATE HELP; This is a GOOD thing.. They will be able to see someone without having to wait weeks for 'Assessment' with nothing, and they WILL be able to make an appointment for the next week, and KNOW that it will be a subsidised appointment. Something that's been heavy in my heart through all of this is the people who have been raped last week, yesterday, or next week, or now need (cause it's always a 'need', trust me when it's not a 'want') to deal with their past trauma ARE ABLE TO GET IMMEDIATE assistance.

It was after popping on to Twitter this morning, that I suddenly felt enraged with some of the tweets I was seeing (not at the tweeter's themselves!), with the feeling that perception might be swayed that it's all on the mend, when that is not quite the case at all, YET. It was tweets like the following:

@NZStuff ACC reverses funding cuts for sexual abuse victims http://bit.ly/9XHdoN

@3NewsNZ Rape Prevention group welcomes ACC u-turn http://ow.ly/18x0lc

@TVNZNews ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on fu... http://bit.ly/aURVuG #TVNZ News

@newsnz ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on funding cuts... http://bit.ly/atvrTw

All of the above would LEAD ME (if I didn't know better) to think Everything Is Going To Be Ok With ACC Sensitive Claims Now. Phew! The People can relax.

IF THIS IS THE BEGINNING of a 'turn-around' with the Review Panel's Statement, Influence and Report coming in September heralding Serious Changes and Healing, then Bravo. (Click here for official Statement from Review Panel)

BUT what I propose and suspect to be the ACTUAL TRUTH around what is occurring is ACC (and in essence the National Party and Nick Smith) are scrambling for cover with the intitial report of the Review Panel's 'Concerns' and are offering an Option which is in fact the Same Option that was proposed by the Minister of 16 Subsidised Sessions when all this life & death Po-lava began last year.

We must not forget in our gratitude for this 'hand out' such realities as:

Real reasons for change in abuse claims policy
Sunday, 22 November 2009, 12:40 pm
Press Release: New Zealand Association of Counsellors
Press Statement from the New Zealand Association of Counsellors 21:11:09
"ACC comes clean about real reasons for change in Sexual Abuse Claims Policy
ACC Southern Manager Karen Walsh, speaking at Fairlie Lions Club on Thursday 19 November revealed that it is ACC policy to reduce the number of Sensitive Claims" ... (click title link to read on for the details)

.
OR to QUICKLY TRUST ONE MEDIA RELEASE from THE SAME ORGANISATION that brought us:

Enhancing ACC support for sexual abuse survivors
Friday, 16 October 2009, 4:28 pm Press Release: ACC
ACC Media Release 16 October 2009
"Enhancing ACC support for survivors of sexual abuse with a mental injury
• Changes reflect four years’ work aimed at improving client outcomes
• ACC committed to working with sector to implement, review and refine changes
• New approach reflects evidence-based, best practice
From 27 October 2009, ACC will introduce some changes to enhance the way it manages sensitive claims – that is, claims for mental injury resulting from sexual abuse or sexual assault.
“The changes will initially apply to new claims only, and are designed to build on the level of care, understanding and support we currently provide to all clients who have survived the trauma of sexual abuse or assault but have a resulting mental injury,” says ACC’s Chief Executive, Dr Jan White." (click title link if you would like to read on and get to the real juicy stuff)...

However, (and I will be brief here, because I don't want to dilute the above)then I needed to work out what it meant for me, after the last 10 months I've learnt to be very careful indeed in paying attention to ACC Wording. What it means for me and many more 'like me' is TOUGH LUCK at the moment, just keep waiting out in the cold basically (and it's basically hailing golf-ball sized hailstones out there now). Call me skeptical, wary OR CALL ME A VICTIM (trying to Survive) OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL VIOLENT ATTACKS WITH PROVABLE DIAGNOSED PTSD THAT HAS BEEN THE VICTIM OF ACC'S DISRESPECT AND NEGLECT NOW FOR OVER 10 MONTHS, WITHOUT ANY OPTION OF SUBSIDISED CARE WHILE AT TIMES BEGGING FOR HELP.

Please consider that when you read the ACC Media Release by ACC involving
Ms Denise Cosgrove
"ACC sex abuse claims 'badly handled'"
And finally, in the midst of all the seemingly oh-so-positive spin on the ACC Sensitive Claims announcements, it was somewhat of a relief to read the following article to know it wasn't just me that is seeing through the cracks.

National Still Victimising Sexual Abuse Victims 11 August 2010
Media Statement by Lynne Pillay:
"National still victimising sexual abuse victims
The National Government’s decision to partially back down on a failed cost cutting programme that denied sexual abuse survivors access to counselling doesn’t go far enough, Labour Victims Rights spokesperson Lynne Pillay says." ...(please click the title link to read the WHOLE article, it is VERY enlightening)

Just a girl, in the world, worried for herself and her future.

A Dash of Kindness, A Sprinkle of Sleep, and A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith

I just had FOUR hours sleep in a row!!!
OMG, you have (or you might) no idea how fricken awesome that is for a very over-tired (like almost psychotically!) stressed out, unwell woman. I woke up just after 10pm, and looked at the clock, and was like 'holy crap', I just had 4 hours of uninterrupted healing wonderful sleep, A Sprinkle of Sleep. Okay, so I still had a sharp awakening, but it was only like a 2/10 nightmare wake-up call, kind of the same as being woken up by a very loud quick noise, but then for only a minute or two I was like okay, that was what was just happening (in the dream), but yeah I think I can move on and leave those feelings back there for now. So at almost the middle of the night (I know, not ideal timing of sleeping patterns, but really, I'll take what I can get a the moment) I'm up and can kind of even think a bit clearly for the first time in days without bursting into tears. And it's amazing the restorative powers of sleep as well, my skin, when I am not getting enough sleep seems to age by the hour, and if I have a cut or a spot or anything no matter how much I am careful about it, or antiseptic stuff I use, if I don't get enough sleep it just gets yuckier and doesn't heal, but then just after 4 blissful hours it's like a healing tonic to my body.

Anyway, I'm still tired (yes, you know the positive s*#t can't go on for the WHOLE post) and just want more. I feel like I'm a junkie hanging out for 12 hour nights of rest. Gawd, that would just make everything a little better, actually probably alot better. I saw a therapist today for the first time in 3 weeks (anyone else see connection with productive therapy session and then I got some sleep, hmmm... yes maybe), one of the gifts of my previous time in financially subsidised therapy is my ability to go into that room and be 100% honest no matter how scary it is, or how scared I am about what might come up, come out, or how I'll be after. So that's what I did today. I have been reminded that I still have some gifts from 'before' that I am still utilising, that I haven't lost. Funny, it's about 4 hours on now, about 2am and already I feel like I'm waning again actually, have done a few things though, managed folding some washing, dishes, and made and just ate some food.

Speaking of food it brings me to talking about the Supermarket and that Dash of Kindness. A couple of weeks ago, unexpectedly, a person I didn't expect it from (not that I would expect them not to either, I dunno!) said that they'd be happy to take me to the supermarket. Now this is quite a big deal for me. Why, because me trying to be able to go to the supermarket (read previous posts if you don't get this) is massive at the mo, and ergo it becomes a problem NOT going because obviously that equals no food in the cupboards etcetera. However this person, who I know has limited 'free personal time' seemed quite sincere without making a big deal about it. And I was so ridiculously low on everything, that I not only couldn't afford to not bite the bullet and go (I think I just did a triple negative, hopefully makes sense), but I was struck by trying to be gracious in accepting this kindness. From a person who hadn't read my blog, and even though they may know me well and know I'm going through a 'difficult patch' didn't know quite how dire the situation was regarding the supermarket, anxiety, and then of course the follow on to actual having and eating food (apparently important). Anyway, so this is a couple of weeks ago, they pushed the trolly, apparently happy to just wait patiently and calmly in the fruit & vege section which is where I always need to spend the most time but which I find the most stressful (layout, people moving in unexpected directions etc), by the time we had got to the dairy food section I was like 'hey, I'm SO doing this, and I am OK'. Without even realising it having been chatting about just stuff, normal stuff, for alot of the circuit. When we got to the check-out with the ridiculously long queues they asked if I was good to wait by myself while they went and got a coffee, and you know what, I was. So I said yes, and they went off. I knew I only had about $x and so strategically placed stuff for if/when the total reached my limit, and bang on about 2/3's of the way through, it did. The lady was very nice about it, I was embarrassed, normally I am running in, getting one panic bag of shopping, anyway so the eggs, kumura, cheese etc were handed over with my apologies for the hassle for them having to put them back. Anyway, the person then turned back up just after I paid, THEN when they realised I'd had to put stuff back, asked if I'd like them to just pay for the extra. I didn't want that, so said no, and IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. We just moved on to put the stuff in the car.
I know this may seem like a large amount of time, energy and words to devote to a visit to the supermarket, but firstly it's because the kindness of someone allowed something large for me to momentarily become something of much less time, energy and stress...AND there is also more. THEN in the weekend just gone, out of their way they offered again to do this. I was like, 'look, you don't need to be like okay I have to take Danielle to the supermarket every week or something', but they said it was fine, and so trying to be gracious again, (and also needing food and more scared of the alternative than wanting to act out on some difficulty in understanding kindness) we again went to the supermarket. As we were pulling into the car-park I thought, and said 'you know, after last time, I'm not as scared today, about going in there I mean'. We didn't need to workshop it or anything, but it was nice to be able to say that. I won't take you through every section again, but I was able to get the things I had to put back the week before, still being careful, and comfortable enough to take the time (in front of someone I knew without I think being judged) to chose the $2.57 teabags instead of the $3.59 ones, because on my budget that's what I need to do. So the end of the story is I have food in the cupboard and in the fridge. And even though I may have difficulty in remembering to eat, or keeping food down sometimes (stress or sickness, not a eating disorder), it's lovely feeling that there is more than just 2 minutes noodles there, and that kindness exists (with no string, catches, conditions or requirements, apart from maybe a little acceptance).

And to close on, A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith. It was the Thursday night news on TV3 I think 2 weeks ago (I'd go and find the link to the clip because it's so compelling BUT my AGED laptop stopped functioning with sound last year, bit limiting with what I can do BUT I can still write!), anyway, it was the 6pm news and I was washing dishes (I do one load of dishes a day, I save them for night time, there is nothing like doing the dishes to warm me up, blissful heat through the gloves, with me being a wee bit under-weight my circulation isn't great and my hands get so cold). I digress, and it will dilute what I am trying to say, stay on point Danielle. So TV3 6 O'Clock evening News, Thursday week before last, it was a clip about a river or some sort of waterway in Canterbury, in the South Island. And even though I couldn't see the television I heard 'and Nick Smith...' and my ears perked up to concentrate. So it was him (Nick Smith) speaking, something like:

'Well, it's important that we take 12 or even 18 months to make the right decision about this because the implications of it will be felt for at least the next 40 or 50 years, so what's a year in the scheme of things with making the right decision to get the right on-going effects'

It was something very similar to that. I actually had to go and sit down as soon as I heard it, in my bedroom, on my bed, and have a cry. I guess that's why it's stuck with me, the words (I may not have the total exact quote, but I'm sure I'm pretty close). I wish that it had been a clip 10 Months ago (yes, it's been that long people) about the ACC Sensitive Claims, and that he'd been saying that same statement then. It's been going round and round in my head, so hopefully sharing it here will help.

It was $1 dvd day at my dvd shop today (for all dvd's apart from New Releases). I have a wonderful DVD Shop, and if it wasn't for the aspect of anonymity I try to maintain on here I would tell you where it is, with the would-be-intention of sending business their way. The owner is very kind, he works during the daytime Monday to Friday mainly. And I avoid going in at busy times (weekends), and don't leave the house alone at night (so basically never), so from when I moved here last year we chat whenever I pop in occasionally. So I splashed out and got a couple of $1 dvds. I am now going to go and sit down with my hot water bottle and blanket and cup of 'relaxing' herbal tea and watch 'What Just Happened'.

Just a girl, in the world, with faith and hoping for hope

Piece of Me, Through Another's Eyes

A few days ago I made the decision to email the link to this blog to a selection of people. It's important for me to try and convey the degree of how much I was a private person (hard maybe to understand with a recent tell-all story in Sunday Star Times!), but to that effect it was only a few months ago as things as my situation started to become more difficult that I even made this blog publicly accessible. Of course most people have a certain degree of privacy about certain aspects of their life, and I had kept some pretty awful secrets for many years, even though their effects occasionally would come out sideways and was not something that I could always hide. And again, obviously, those effects would then be felt by others, often unfairly.

Anyway, so I thought that with things becoming even more untenable that there were some people that deserved the opportunity to have access to my blog. I was quite selective with who I sent it to, but obviously my contact with the world has seriously deteriorated since October 2009 and well, yeah, I guess that is as much of an explanation that my sleep deprived brain can put together. I sent an email with the link address and explaining that it was a personal blog. I have no problem at all with someone not wishing to read it, especially if they are someone close to me there are of a number of reasons I could very much understand.

However, there was someone who read it, who emailed me a piece of himself that I would like to share. I haven't asked his permission to share it (naughty maybe, considering how personal it is), BUT it is MY personal blog and I am taking a couple of steps to protect his identity. Why am I posting it, within the first paragraph I was in tears, the person he is talking about (ME) seems so far away from where I am right now. I am forever grateful for those near and far that have faith and care for me. His email has given me some strength at a time when I have reached a place of finding out ACC, in turn representing the 'help' service of my Country, New Zealand, has not only turned their back on me (and my 'problems'), BUT now I have the documented proof of a long term campaign to ensure that no further 'money is needed to be spent on me or my needed treatment', I am very scared and very tired, but quite calm actually now.

Anyway here is the email, 'HE' obviously has the blog address and will see that I have posted it (obviously we are in direct contact by email, but I have been finding it difficult to maintain most contact (without it being personal, it's been about 'my' un-wellness) with my deterioration over the last few months), so HOPEFULLY he won't mind, and will understand why I've posted it. However if 'HE' does feel uncomfortable about it in anyway I will break my golden rule of not deleting past posts because it will be more important to respect his wishes and feelings. (it is completely unedited except for a couple of obvious omissions of names to protect anonymity)

"Hi danielle,
I am really glad you wrote back to me. I have a lot to say, and because I have been thinking all night about what I am going to say and because it is 7am I am going to ramble my ass off!! I have always made sure I tell you the truth about things and I hope you always thought I was frank and open with you, this is a new experience for me. I have never told you about yourself or myself like this though, so grab a cup of tea.....hahaha I am trying to start and I have all this stuff in my head that i was thinking I would say to you and now I am trying to start writing it and I don't know where to start.

I guess our relationship started like most others, with massive amounts of sexual attraction!!!!!, well for me anyway, I think you are super sexy and an extremely alluring woman!!!! Maybe that sounds a little superficial but it is the truth, and it sounds corny and cliched but truly as time went on I really fell in love with you. Your infectious personality assured that. No one in any relationship I have ever had has ever been as supporting as you are, no one put their heart on a sleeve like you and no one ever gave a shit about my feelings in a relationship before, it really was a breath of fresh air. That and your bubbly personality and out going ness really is how I remember you and it makes me feel nice and tingly and warm. You are honestly without a doubt one of the most amazing woman I have met, and as you know I have met a lot. But I am super picky, i have never had a one night stand, and I have never dated anyone that I have not known for years. I really like to know someone first, being in a relationship is serious stuff for me. Anyway, not only do I feel blessed to have met you but what a blessing it was, cream on the top, that you said yes to us dating for 2 years makes me feel like jesus! You were always so patient with me and supportive, I never would I gone diving if it wasnt for you, thats how amazing you are. You make things happen. I talk about them, procrastinate about them, fantasise about them, you are a doer and make them come true!! My dreams, you made come true!!!!! Thats what you do best!!!! Your probably thinking, no that cant be and beating yourself up fro one reason or another, but I never ever would of got the job at ******** if it wasnt for your support and encouragement, that job made me the man I am today. You did that!!! And if only you could see me now I know or hope you would be proud. I was so proud to have you on my arm, just to walk with you and have all the guys shoot their jealous stares, hahah and they only saw your outside, I knew who you were on the inside!!!! So proud and fond of you, I was definitely in love with you.

I think about you and us often. Of course it makes me sad, we cant be girlfriend and boyfriend, and of course I miss you! But when we were, we owned the world!!! Your just such an amazing woman and that you cant see it make same so sad. And now after all this time, you still seem to think you dont deserve happiness, that happiness is meant to skip you by and you are meant for other things in life. Thats really hurtful. You really have nothing to be sad about, everyone that gets to met you, that you let see who you really are treasure that moment forever as I do!! I was in you love with you then, I still feel so much love for you now. It just sucks that you wont let yourself fly. Yu paid so much attention to me and I flew, imagine what happens to you when you just be yourself and let yourself fly. Imagine the joy you can feel but just being yourself. I dont want that to sound like a therapist talking or spiritual. I remember how people would turn and stare at you as you walked in a room, as though you had a light on inside you. You do, I see it, I trully do feel that I see you for who you really are, and that is because you and I are so a like. Now si a really good time, to stop feeling like if you are yourself people might not like you, trust me, the more you that you are the more people will like, and it was that way with me.

Its ok to feel scared, everyone is. And everyone has a pet fear, your is being rejected or not liked, you really dont need to feel like that, anytime you do just remember how amazing you trully are and yor wonderful gifts. A gift we often forget about is the one that allows us to take another breath, as long as we dont take that for granted and as long as you have clean water and some food the rest of our life is just filled with stuff. Stuff that we dont need, because living is about breathing, drinking, and eating ahhaha. Are you crying or have you cried yet? I hope so, I really hope this motivates you. I really hope you to see with your eyes wide open. Why do you think you are afraid of being rejected? Its the same reasons everyone else will give. Your so special you dont need to be. Why are you so scared of rejection? You shouldn't be look at what the other person will be missing out on!!! Trust me its a lot!!!! I miss it!!!!! You need to forget all the bullshit and start loving yourself, then the real beauty of yourself will come forward and everyone will be abel to see what you and I know is already there. Be yourself if someone doesn't like you, forge them, there are plenty of other people that would love you for who you are. Make friends with real people. Others just create anchors and make certain that you lose your path in life. Something you are happy abotu I am sure :) Take the time to think about what it is in life you truly want no matter how simple or farcical it may sound and give yourself the support and encouragement to chase those dreams, it really will be worth it when you are at the other side of yourself! Stop dating bad guys, you know you just do it because you think you are not worthy of anyones love, i hope you can see how wrong you are about that!!! I almost have RSI :P When things get scary, try and understand it to be a good thing, we can only grow and change if things get a little more extreme than normal. Sometimes to go forward we have to get rid of what is in our past, revenge, forgive, or forget, or what ever it takes to put the past in the past and just ge ton with the fun of living. It truly is your life and you can make it as warm and as loving and giving and receiving as you want!! Whatever your indiscretions in life has been it doenst matter, we all have them, just pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep moving, making your life whole with lots of love!

I wish things ended differently for us, I knew you were trying to push me away and still I wasnt strong enough to stand up to you and say no, I live with that regret everyday. Sometimes I am too respectful and that is one of my down comings. I am trying to get better at that.

BASICALLY YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you can start paying yourself back for that, YOU REALLY DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE YUR LIFE TO THE FULL!!!!!!!!

ALL MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!,
******** XOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXXXXX

Just for the record I am VERY PROUD of 'him', who he is as a man and where he is in his life, I guess we don't have alot of contact so I hope that he does know that.

In the meantime I have a couple of very important posts with corresponding documentation that I need to post in the next few days, as soon as I can manage. It takes quite alot for me to be able to write at the moment.

Just a girl, hoping for some decent sleep.