OMG, you have (or you might) no idea how fricken awesome that is for a very over-tired (like almost psychotically!) stressed out, unwell woman. I woke up just after 10pm, and looked at the clock, and was like 'holy crap', I just had 4 hours of uninterrupted healing wonderful sleep, A Sprinkle of Sleep. Okay, so I still had a sharp awakening, but it was only like a 2/10 nightmare wake-up call, kind of the same as being woken up by a very loud quick noise, but then for only a minute or two I was like okay, that was what was just happening (in the dream), but yeah I think I can move on and leave those feelings back there for now. So at almost the middle of the night (I know, not ideal timing of sleeping patterns, but really, I'll take what I can get a the moment) I'm up and can kind of even think a bit clearly for the first time in days without bursting into tears. And it's amazing the restorative powers of sleep as well, my skin, when I am not getting enough sleep seems to age by the hour, and if I have a cut or a spot or anything no matter how much I am careful about it, or antiseptic stuff I use, if I don't get enough sleep it just gets yuckier and doesn't heal, but then just after 4 blissful hours it's like a healing tonic to my body.
Anyway, I'm still tired (yes, you know the positive s*#t can't go on for the WHOLE post) and just want more. I feel like I'm a junkie hanging out for 12 hour nights of rest. Gawd, that would just make everything a little better, actually probably alot better. I saw a therapist today for the first time in 3 weeks (anyone else see connection with productive therapy session and then I got some sleep, hmmm... yes maybe), one of the gifts of my previous time in financially subsidised therapy is my ability to go into that room and be 100% honest no matter how scary it is, or how scared I am about what might come up, come out, or how I'll be after. So that's what I did today. I have been reminded that I still have some gifts from 'before' that I am still utilising, that I haven't lost. Funny, it's about 4 hours on now, about 2am and already I feel like I'm waning again actually, have done a few things though, managed folding some washing, dishes, and made and just ate some food.
Speaking of food it brings me to talking about the Supermarket and that Dash of Kindness. A couple of weeks ago, unexpectedly, a person I didn't expect it from (not that I would expect them not to either, I dunno!) said that they'd be happy to take me to the supermarket. Now this is quite a big deal for me. Why, because me trying to be able to go to the supermarket (read previous posts if you don't get this) is massive at the mo, and ergo it becomes a problem NOT going because obviously that equals no food in the cupboards etcetera. However this person, who I know has limited 'free personal time' seemed quite sincere without making a big deal about it. And I was so ridiculously low on everything, that I not only couldn't afford to not bite the bullet and go (I think I just did a triple negative, hopefully makes sense), but I was struck by trying to be gracious in accepting this kindness. From a person who hadn't read my blog, and even though they may know me well and know I'm going through a 'difficult patch' didn't know quite how dire the situation was regarding the supermarket, anxiety, and then of course the follow on to actual having and eating food (apparently important). Anyway, so this is a couple of weeks ago, they pushed the trolly, apparently happy to just wait patiently and calmly in the fruit & vege section which is where I always need to spend the most time but which I find the most stressful (layout, people moving in unexpected directions etc), by the time we had got to the dairy food section I was like 'hey, I'm SO doing this, and I am OK'. Without even realising it having been chatting about just stuff, normal stuff, for alot of the circuit. When we got to the check-out with the ridiculously long queues they asked if I was good to wait by myself while they went and got a coffee, and you know what, I was. So I said yes, and they went off. I knew I only had about $x and so strategically placed stuff for if/when the total reached my limit, and bang on about 2/3's of the way through, it did. The lady was very nice about it, I was embarrassed, normally I am running in, getting one panic bag of shopping, anyway so the eggs, kumura, cheese etc were handed over with my apologies for the hassle for them having to put them back. Anyway, the person then turned back up just after I paid, THEN when they realised I'd had to put stuff back, asked if I'd like them to just pay for the extra. I didn't want that, so said no, and IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. We just moved on to put the stuff in the car.
I know this may seem like a large amount of time, energy and words to devote to a visit to the supermarket, but firstly it's because the kindness of someone allowed something large for me to momentarily become something of much less time, energy and stress...AND there is also more. THEN in the weekend just gone, out of their way they offered again to do this. I was like, 'look, you don't need to be like okay I have to take Danielle to the supermarket every week or something', but they said it was fine, and so trying to be gracious again, (and also needing food and more scared of the alternative than wanting to act out on some difficulty in understanding kindness) we again went to the supermarket. As we were pulling into the car-park I thought, and said 'you know, after last time, I'm not as scared today, about going in there I mean'. We didn't need to workshop it or anything, but it was nice to be able to say that. I won't take you through every section again, but I was able to get the things I had to put back the week before, still being careful, and comfortable enough to take the time (in front of someone I knew without I think being judged) to chose the $2.57 teabags instead of the $3.59 ones, because on my budget that's what I need to do. So the end of the story is I have food in the cupboard and in the fridge. And even though I may have difficulty in remembering to eat, or keeping food down sometimes (stress or sickness, not a eating disorder), it's lovely feeling that there is more than just 2 minutes noodles there, and that kindness exists (with no string, catches, conditions or requirements, apart from maybe a little acceptance).
And to close on, A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith. It was the Thursday night news on TV3 I think 2 weeks ago (I'd go and find the link to the clip because it's so compelling BUT my AGED laptop stopped functioning with sound last year, bit limiting with what I can do BUT I can still write!), anyway, it was the 6pm news and I was washing dishes (I do one load of dishes a day, I save them for night time, there is nothing like doing the dishes to warm me up, blissful heat through the gloves, with me being a wee bit under-weight my circulation isn't great and my hands get so cold). I digress, and it will dilute what I am trying to say, stay on point Danielle. So TV3 6 O'Clock evening News, Thursday week before last, it was a clip about a river or some sort of waterway in Canterbury, in the South Island. And even though I couldn't see the television I heard 'and Nick Smith...' and my ears perked up to concentrate. So it was him (Nick Smith) speaking, something like:
'Well, it's important that we take 12 or even 18 months to make the right decision about this because the implications of it will be felt for at least the next 40 or 50 years, so what's a year in the scheme of things with making the right decision to get the right on-going effects'It was something very similar to that. I actually had to go and sit down as soon as I heard it, in my bedroom, on my bed, and have a cry. I guess that's why it's stuck with me, the words (I may not have the total exact quote, but I'm sure I'm pretty close). I wish that it had been a clip 10 Months ago (yes, it's been that long people) about the ACC Sensitive Claims, and that he'd been saying that same statement then. It's been going round and round in my head, so hopefully sharing it here will help.
It was $1 dvd day at my dvd shop today (for all dvd's apart from New Releases). I have a wonderful DVD Shop, and if it wasn't for the aspect of anonymity I try to maintain on here I would tell you where it is, with the would-be-intention of sending business their way. The owner is very kind, he works during the daytime Monday to Friday mainly. And I avoid going in at busy times (weekends), and don't leave the house alone at night (so basically never), so from when I moved here last year we chat whenever I pop in occasionally. So I splashed out and got a couple of $1 dvds. I am now going to go and sit down with my hot water bottle and blanket and cup of 'relaxing' herbal tea and watch 'What Just Happened'.
Just a girl, in the world, with faith and hoping for hope
It is good to see a cheerful post from you and someone is willing to reciprocate your kindness. I am not saying the other posts were bad, I have always enjoyed reading them.
ReplyDeleteIt is great that people are still willing to help people out when they need it.
Take care.
Hi Chris, (and other's reading this also)
ReplyDeleteI don't tend to use the DM function on twitter and am only on there occasionally, but I did get your message the other day, and I thought of something that I would like to share with you. It's something that I first heard many, many years ago, but have always carried it with me. I've seen it around over the years in emails from time to time and there are probably slightly different versions of it. It's meaning for me over the years has changed as I have changed, but it has allowed me a great sense of awareness of life.
Anyway, here it is:
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong-doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime."