On Sunday June 20th 2010 there was the first national Summit held of the Survivors of Sexual Abuse.
It was a fabulous, emotional, scary, inspiring and necessary event.
This is Part (1) of my commentary on the materials and resources I discovered through attending the Summit. (I really wanted to have finished all of this as one by now, but to be honest, I haven't been travelling that well, things got a bit much and I ended up acting out over the weekend, so am still trying to deal with my shame around that and of course, to get through the day)
Part (2) which I'm still working on will be about my own feelings during the day, the lecturers speaking at the Summit and also my experience speaking in front of the Review Panel for the Independent Clinical Review of the Sensitive Claims Pathway for ACC
So in the foyer there was several tables and stations covering a range of topics, below is my words on what I saw was available (unless quoted otherwise), if I have commented on something in error, or if you have further information on any of what I'm discussing it would be great if you wanted to add it as a comment, the more information the better right? Information is Power, and empowerment is where it's at, I reckon!
..........SOSA NZ - Survivors of Sexual Abuse New Zealand
SOSA NZ is a Charitable Trust that was established on 8th June 2010
This is a excerpt taken from the brochure 'First National Survivors of Sexual Abuse Summit June 20, 2010':
"SOSA NZ is a charitable trust that has the aim to provide education, support, information, advocacy, and engage in activities that assist survivors of sexual abuse in their recovery. The intention is to operate nationwide.
This inaugural national summit/hui is the first project of SOSA NZ and it is hope that many similar projects will follow. Further projects will be decided by the membership of SOSA NZ."
There are too many people (and I'd hate to miss someone) for me to start trying to list and thank all the wonderful people involved in organising the Summit, but it seems clear from looking at the Trust Deed that 3 integral people involved in the formation are Gudrun Frerichs, Christine Hatcher, and Tania Blomfield. So a big BRAVO to these women from me!
Like alot of wonderful services in New Zealand it's seems as if a large part of the future of SOSA NZ and what they are able to achieve will be about the financial resources they can make use of, there was lots of discussion on the day of how wonderful it would be to make it a annual event, and how awesome it would be to have it all of the main cities. So membership is possible by clicking here and downloading a membership form, for the very low price of $10 it is possible to support and be involved.
Contact Details: newzealandsosa@gmail.com
..........Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP
The wonderful staff were not only on hand with a table full of pamphlets, booklets, info-factsheets, etc, but I also have to say that through out the day I met at least four of HELP's staff member's volenteering to be there for the day, some were wearing 'two hats', as a volenteer, and also there as a Survivor themselves.
As I say I have a whole bundle of stuff that I grabbed from their table, when I was having a chat I told them about my blog and that hopefully I would be able to write a posting about the Summit with listing some of the resources that I found, so that way anyone reading who wanted to attend, and couldn't, maybe there might be something little somewhere in my post that give them a new angle to try to help themselves. Anyway, then they really started giving me heaps of stuff!
So obviously I can't reproduce all their literature below, but I am going to write a list of the names of the pamphlets & brochures, if there is anything that think might help you, I'm sure that HELP can probably post you out the info.
- Survivors of Recent Sexual Assault (pamphlet)
- Privacy - what we do with the things you tell us (pamphlet)
- Caregiver Support For Parents Of Young People - This pamphlet is for caregivers who are supporting a daughter following a sexual assault or disclosure of ongoing sexual abuse. (pamphlet)
- Court Preparation Services - provided to assist women and adolescent girls who have survived sexual abuse and are about to enter the court process (pamphlet)
- Telephone Services (pamphlet)
- Counselling for Survivors - a guide to services available for women and children who have experienced rape and/or sexual abuse either historically or recently. It may also be useful for family and friends who are supporting survivors of sexual violence(pamphlet)
- For SURVIVORS of Childhood Sexual Abuse (pamphlet)
- Understanding Flashbacks - (no description here but just a note from me, I took some time to sit down on the day and read over this one, it might sound weird but in a way I found it validating to read things about them, when sometimes my flashbacks make me doubt my own sanity, this is a good one, worth getting a copy with re-assuring language and easy to understand good tips) (factsheet)
- Information for Friends, Family, and Partners - 'What is Rape?' (factsheet)
- The Ripple Effects of Sexual Abuse - Impacts on Survivors and Families, How to Help (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- One Path Ahead - Reporting the Abuse/Assault (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- Understanding Sexual Abuse - Who, Why, How? (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
The last 3 Booklets listed I was told have only just recently been put together. My impression is that they are of a very high standard being between 26-30 pages in each. I myself haven't managed to read all of them yet, as it gone back to me being triggered as easily as I was 2 or 3 years ago, and the following process of managing my triggers is not as good either (just writing that want to cry in frustration and shame in myself at my deterioration of coping abilities, anyway I'll take a break now and then come back to it) but the couple of pages I have managed to read seemed very HELPful!
Contact Details:
Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation
Ph: (09) 6231700 (24 hours) Fax: (09) 6231296
Email: crisisteam@sexualabusehelp.org.nz
Web: www.asah.org.nz
..........stop
.........demand.
This is a pamphlet that I picked up on the day. After the day I had a chance to sit down and really read the pamphlet and I went on to look at the website. The best way to explain this Foundation is to quote from their own words:
"Vision
To live in a world free of sexual violence and sexual exploitation
Mission
To promote a world free of all forms of sexual violence against, and sexual exploitation of, children with a particular focus on challenging the demand for sex with children
Objectives
Stop Demand
Raises public awareness on the extent of all forms of sexual violence against children
Calls for global action to stop all forms of sexual violence against children
Addresses demand issues within the child sex trade and other forms of sexual violence against children
Works with government, inter-governmental and non-governmental agencies to stop sexual violence against children
Mobilizes the community, in particular the male community, to stop all forms of sexual violence against children"
It looks like a fantastic organisation that is really focused about PREVENTION (remember Prevention is better than Cure!)
Contact Details are: www.stopdemand.org or action@stopdemand.org
..........CELEBRATE RECOVERY
This is an organisation that I previously had not heard of before the Summit. They had a display table with quite a large range of literature (pamphlets) available. There was also a person attending the table who was really lovely to talk to, and said they had been a member of one of these groups for many years, and testified to the benefits. It looks as if it is 12 Step based a strong community group support element. I have copied this quote from their website:
"The Celebrate Recovery ministry seeks to see people grow spiritually and be freed from their hurts, hang-ups and habits.
Celebrate Recovery supports people to be freed from their addictions by encouraging fellowship and celebrating God’s healing power in their lives as they work their way along the road to recovery.
It is designed to help people:
seeking recovery and accountability in areas such as anger, anxiety, depression, eating issues, sexual impurity; or
hurting from things done to them in the past or things they have done to others; or
needing an outlet for pain or grief they are suffering."
For further enquiries contacts:
Libby Hunt, Massey Community Trust
8 Vadam Road, Massey, Auckland
info@celebraterecovery.co.nz
..........Women's Bookshop
Ah, there was tables virtually heaving with some excellent books. I spotted a few that I already owned and were firm favourites. They had everything from the classics like 'The Courage To Heal' to book's by New Zealand authors like 'Surviving and Moving On: For Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (revised ed.)' by Kim McGregor. I actually tried to not spend too much time browsing (15mins) because it was torture seeing all these excellent helpful books and knowing I couldn't afford any on the day. BUT there were several titles that I will be able to look out for in the future. I couldn't really begin to list all the different aspects of Abuse and Recovery that there were books about, but if you can think of it I can pretty much guarantee that the Women's Bookshop has a book about it. Just as an aside I have been into their shop on Ponsonby Road and have always felt very comfortable and safe, not only browsing but also in asking the staff all manner of questions to help find what I am looking for. Even though I couldn't afford to buy on the day it was a pleasant surprise to see they were present at the Summit. The great thing about The Women's Bookshop is for all those out of Auckland (or like me, and maybe not able to get out of the house so much at the mo) they also have a well set-up online store.
Contact Details:
105 Ponsonby Road, Ponsonby, AUCKLAND
books@womensbookshop.co.nz
Monday-Friday 10.00am to 6.00pm
Saturday & Sunday 10.00am to 5.00pm
Ph:+64 9 376 4399 Fax +64 9 376 4365
Ok, so that is the limit of what I managed to pick up on the day from the different tables. I know that there was more info there that I didn't manage to grab, one group I know had some info there but I didn't seem to end up with anything is:
..........ECPAT International - End Child Prostitution Child Pornography and ..........Trafficing of Children for Sexual Purposes
I don't know a huge amount about this organisation but from a quick look at their website it looks like they do some amazing work all over the world.
"Vision
Realisation of the right of all children to live free of child prostitution, child pornography and child trafficking for sexual purposes.
Mission
ECPAT International is a global network of organisations and individuals working together for the elimination of child prostitution, child pornography and the trafficking of children for sexual purposes. It seeks to encourage the world community to ensure that children everywhere enjoy their fundamental rights free and secure from all forms of commercial sexual exploitation."
Apologies to any organisations I have missed in my Part(1) attempt of covering some of the info from the Summit. I hope that there will be further Unity gained through these avenues and connections. And like I said previously, really appreciate any gaps in the information I've written above.
Sometime in the coming days (hopefully days, not weeks) I'll publish Part(2).
Thanks for all the extra support over the last week. I don't know where to start with where my head is at right now, so I'm just going to publish this post (FINALLY! it's been a work in progress for a week now! that's right, has taken a WHOLE week just to write the above, would you believe I used to be able to do a 2000 word essay the night before it was due and still get at least a B+).
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Twitting & Blogging' just an 'Airbrushing'...'Spiel'
Someone has just likened me to a 'dog chasing it's tail' (comment by Saphira on a post, conveniently with no link or real name).
For the most part with having this blog online I have not responded to comments, or treated it interactively, mainly this has been because the posts I have managed to put up here once a week, or month, have been the maximum I've been capable of writing at anytime with trying to be responsible as possible for my own safety and how upsetting these issues are to think about, let alone write about.
"Zadok said...
Denis Cosgrove did not slag you, get it right
1 She said thast ACC had spent over $65,000 on you, not necessarily on counselling.
@ As for Segar House, you have blooged in the last few blogs about being directed to Segar House by ACC.
Now who is being "economical" with the truth here"
How about telling us what ACC did provide for you for a start and why you are resisting their sugesstions."
+
"Saphira said...
Why dont you just tell the whole truth instead of airbrushing out the bits you dont like.
You were given an offer of Segar House but instead you disparage it as "Rainbows End"
Also Denise Cosgrove made comment yes, but with all the spiel you have been blogging and twitting, it's not hard to get "quotes" from you now is it.
Think about it, and take the offer instead of going round in circles like a dog chasing it's tail."
I think if I start writing from the heart in response to these that this post could get a little long, and I probably won't be able to finish writing it.
So.
Just to be clear.
(1) There has not EVER been a referral for me @ Segar House. And I've never said ANYTHING negative about Segar House.
(2) I hope that the two people that read the above comments can be satisfied with the effects their words have had. I've been attempting to go on Twitter (Tweet) and write a blog to record the facts as they are happening.
(3) ACC had a week before the Sunday Star Times Article was published to formulate their comments, with open invitation from me and the reporter. I in no way edited anything Peter Jensen said. I do not believe that Denise Cosgrove has the right as a Staff Member of ACC to make a Public Statement about me and my SENSITIVE claim.
(4) If you had a broken leg, would you want to do what all the top Orthopedic Surgeons, Doctors and your GP were saying would be the best care possible for fixing your leg OR would you want the Organisation funding the care to try and over-ride all of these opinions (AND I MEAN ALL) and first attempt to decide you should get a TOTALLY different treatment, and then PUBLICLY say this when actually there is no paperwork with any of the Treatment Providers involved supporting this FICTITIOUS statment.
Normally after I write a post for at least 24 hours I am going over in my head the level of disclosure that I have CHOSEN to make with obviously having to include facts about my own life to show clearly what ACC's actions and behaviour are throughout this ordeal.
I'm not sure what else I want to write at the moment, my tweeting has been about trying to stay connected with the world during a pretty hard period in my life.
If you want to come out and say I'm a liar, Just Fucking Do It.
Even in my darkest hurt I wouldn't wish on you or anyone the on-going symptoms of my trauma that I live with.
Sounds like I am meant to keep my mouth shut more.
For the most part with having this blog online I have not responded to comments, or treated it interactively, mainly this has been because the posts I have managed to put up here once a week, or month, have been the maximum I've been capable of writing at anytime with trying to be responsible as possible for my own safety and how upsetting these issues are to think about, let alone write about.
"Zadok said...
Denis Cosgrove did not slag you, get it right
1 She said thast ACC had spent over $65,000 on you, not necessarily on counselling.
@ As for Segar House, you have blooged in the last few blogs about being directed to Segar House by ACC.
Now who is being "economical" with the truth here"
How about telling us what ACC did provide for you for a start and why you are resisting their sugesstions."
+
"Saphira said...
Why dont you just tell the whole truth instead of airbrushing out the bits you dont like.
You were given an offer of Segar House but instead you disparage it as "Rainbows End"
Also Denise Cosgrove made comment yes, but with all the spiel you have been blogging and twitting, it's not hard to get "quotes" from you now is it.
Think about it, and take the offer instead of going round in circles like a dog chasing it's tail."
I think if I start writing from the heart in response to these that this post could get a little long, and I probably won't be able to finish writing it.
So.
Just to be clear.
(1) There has not EVER been a referral for me @ Segar House. And I've never said ANYTHING negative about Segar House.
(2) I hope that the two people that read the above comments can be satisfied with the effects their words have had. I've been attempting to go on Twitter (Tweet) and write a blog to record the facts as they are happening.
(3) ACC had a week before the Sunday Star Times Article was published to formulate their comments, with open invitation from me and the reporter. I in no way edited anything Peter Jensen said. I do not believe that Denise Cosgrove has the right as a Staff Member of ACC to make a Public Statement about me and my SENSITIVE claim.
(4) If you had a broken leg, would you want to do what all the top Orthopedic Surgeons, Doctors and your GP were saying would be the best care possible for fixing your leg OR would you want the Organisation funding the care to try and over-ride all of these opinions (AND I MEAN ALL) and first attempt to decide you should get a TOTALLY different treatment, and then PUBLICLY say this when actually there is no paperwork with any of the Treatment Providers involved supporting this FICTITIOUS statment.
Normally after I write a post for at least 24 hours I am going over in my head the level of disclosure that I have CHOSEN to make with obviously having to include facts about my own life to show clearly what ACC's actions and behaviour are throughout this ordeal.
I'm not sure what else I want to write at the moment, my tweeting has been about trying to stay connected with the world during a pretty hard period in my life.
If you want to come out and say I'm a liar, Just Fucking Do It.
Even in my darkest hurt I wouldn't wish on you or anyone the on-going symptoms of my trauma that I live with.
Sounds like I am meant to keep my mouth shut more.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Denise Cosgrove (ACC) slags me publicly.
In the wake of being at SOSA yesterday I have had only a couple of hours sleep and was sitting here thinking of trying to jot down a short blog regarding what I believe to be the great success of all involved.
However, I ended up surfing the net and quite quickly found the following article:
ACC and mental health
Sunday Star - Times; Wellington, New Zealand, May 23, 2010
YOUR ARTICLE "Rape victim says ACC cut her lifeline'' (May 16) was misleading. The client, Danielle Martin, has had almost 300 counselling sessions and total support from ACC worth over $65,000. However, she has a range of mental health issues, some of which are separate from and predate those caused by the sexual abuse she experienced. But it is nearly impossible to separate out complex mental health issues and treat them separately. That's why we believe she would be better helped by a multi-disciplinary approach from a team able to deal with all of the issues. So we have worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House. She will still be able to get counselling there. ACC has not cut off her lifeline; we have offered her a better one.
Also, it was suggested this situation is connected to ACC's new clinical pathway for managing sexual abuse claims. Ms Martin's case predates the introduction of the pathway, and she is being managed under the old system. Lastly, it was suggested Ms Martin may be suicidal. If that is the case, the onus is on her counsellor or other treatment providers to put in place arrangements to secure her safety. There are set protocols for doing this that they will be well familiar with. The same applies to anyone a health professional feels may be considering self-harm.
Denise Cosgrove General manager, Claims management, ACC #SRC#
* The article didn't suggest she was being dealt with under the clinical pathway. It was understood she was being dealt with under the old system. - Editor
http://findarticles.com/p/news-articles/sunday-star-times-wellington-new-zealand/mi_8185/is_20100523/acc-mental-health/ai_n53780842/
I know that I opened myself up for public opinion and debate by putting part of my story out there with the Article in the Sunday Star Times.
Reading this leaves me crying, and wondering who is this Denise Cosgrove?
- How did she get the figure of $65,000 for counselling? For the most part I believe the subsidy to be $76 per session, the correct number of sessions is actually closer to 240 (with a v.small amount of these being time with a Psychatrist at a different amount, less than 20), I would think that would possibly be somewhere in the region of $20,000, maybe, if that (and about $5,000 of my own money).
- Why has a representative of ACC written or said something basically trying to de-construct or misrepresent me, my story and my claim? Why have they had time to do this but they have had no time or made any effort to respond privately or publicly with any solutions or supportive comments for me?
- How has "Denise Cosgrove from ACC" been able to speak (inaccurately) about me publically when I only signed a short-term privacy release for ACC to speak directly to Tim Hume (Reporter @ Sunday Star Times)
- I challenge the LIE that ACC has had any interaction with Segar House regarding my care, or a 'transfer' to this ADHB service.
- I resent the implication that I or my treatment providers are not taking due care around any feelings of depression or suicidality that I may have.
There are many more questions whirling around inside my head. I believe this is most likely another breach of my privacy by ACC making UNTRUE statements again about me without my permission to an unauthorised source. I feel so nauseaus just trying to comprehend what this woman has written I have to stop writing.
What else is out there that ACC has tried to insinuate about me? Should I just have kept my mouth shut and never tried to deal with the rape and trauma and kept trying to swallow the pain?
Very confused right now :(
However, I ended up surfing the net and quite quickly found the following article:
ACC and mental health
Sunday Star - Times; Wellington, New Zealand, May 23, 2010
YOUR ARTICLE "Rape victim says ACC cut her lifeline'' (May 16) was misleading. The client, Danielle Martin, has had almost 300 counselling sessions and total support from ACC worth over $65,000. However, she has a range of mental health issues, some of which are separate from and predate those caused by the sexual abuse she experienced. But it is nearly impossible to separate out complex mental health issues and treat them separately. That's why we believe she would be better helped by a multi-disciplinary approach from a team able to deal with all of the issues. So we have worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House. She will still be able to get counselling there. ACC has not cut off her lifeline; we have offered her a better one.
Also, it was suggested this situation is connected to ACC's new clinical pathway for managing sexual abuse claims. Ms Martin's case predates the introduction of the pathway, and she is being managed under the old system. Lastly, it was suggested Ms Martin may be suicidal. If that is the case, the onus is on her counsellor or other treatment providers to put in place arrangements to secure her safety. There are set protocols for doing this that they will be well familiar with. The same applies to anyone a health professional feels may be considering self-harm.
Denise Cosgrove General manager, Claims management, ACC #SRC#
* The article didn't suggest she was being dealt with under the clinical pathway. It was understood she was being dealt with under the old system. - Editor
http://findarticles.com/p/news-articles/sunday-star-times-wellington-new-zealand/mi_8185/is_20100523/acc-mental-health/ai_n53780842/
I know that I opened myself up for public opinion and debate by putting part of my story out there with the Article in the Sunday Star Times.
Reading this leaves me crying, and wondering who is this Denise Cosgrove?
- How did she get the figure of $65,000 for counselling? For the most part I believe the subsidy to be $76 per session, the correct number of sessions is actually closer to 240 (with a v.small amount of these being time with a Psychatrist at a different amount, less than 20), I would think that would possibly be somewhere in the region of $20,000, maybe, if that (and about $5,000 of my own money).
- Why has a representative of ACC written or said something basically trying to de-construct or misrepresent me, my story and my claim? Why have they had time to do this but they have had no time or made any effort to respond privately or publicly with any solutions or supportive comments for me?
- How has "Denise Cosgrove from ACC" been able to speak (inaccurately) about me publically when I only signed a short-term privacy release for ACC to speak directly to Tim Hume (Reporter @ Sunday Star Times)
- I challenge the LIE that ACC has had any interaction with Segar House regarding my care, or a 'transfer' to this ADHB service.
- I resent the implication that I or my treatment providers are not taking due care around any feelings of depression or suicidality that I may have.
There are many more questions whirling around inside my head. I believe this is most likely another breach of my privacy by ACC making UNTRUE statements again about me without my permission to an unauthorised source. I feel so nauseaus just trying to comprehend what this woman has written I have to stop writing.
What else is out there that ACC has tried to insinuate about me? Should I just have kept my mouth shut and never tried to deal with the rape and trauma and kept trying to swallow the pain?
Very confused right now :(
Friday, June 18, 2010
@BreakfastOnOne
This is an email I sent to the Breakfast Show on TV1 about an hour ago, there is about 40mins to go and I wonder whether it will pass their 'feedback filters' and in any part be recognised.
"To: breakfast@tvnz.co.nz
Hi Paul and Pippa
You are talking about how there is this HUGE epidemic of Domestic Violence and that NZ may need more than just an inquiry, but this morning on the news you have covered that it is the last day for Submissions for the Hearing Aids/ACC issue, however there was no mention of how it is the last day for Submissions on the New ACC Clinical Pathway for Sensitive Claims (rape, sexual abuse + trauma).
Please could you let people know that this is the last day for them to make their voice count for this pathway that will determine how all past, present and future victims of rape, sexual abuse and trauma are treated and supported. The worst of the worst cases (apart from death) of Domestic Violence end up needing this help.
A link where people can still get direction with a submission is http://www.psychotherapy.org.nz/index.php?page=blog
And there is also a Summit this weekend for Survivors of Abuse with excellent Lecturers and Support. www.sosanz.com
Thank you.
Warm Regards
Danielle Martin"
"To: breakfast@tvnz.co.nz
Hi Paul and Pippa
You are talking about how there is this HUGE epidemic of Domestic Violence and that NZ may need more than just an inquiry, but this morning on the news you have covered that it is the last day for Submissions for the Hearing Aids/ACC issue, however there was no mention of how it is the last day for Submissions on the New ACC Clinical Pathway for Sensitive Claims (rape, sexual abuse + trauma).
Please could you let people know that this is the last day for them to make their voice count for this pathway that will determine how all past, present and future victims of rape, sexual abuse and trauma are treated and supported. The worst of the worst cases (apart from death) of Domestic Violence end up needing this help.
A link where people can still get direction with a submission is http://www.psychotherapy.org.nz/index.php?page=blog
And there is also a Summit this weekend for Survivors of Abuse with excellent Lecturers and Support. www.sosanz.com
Thank you.
Warm Regards
Danielle Martin"
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
FREAKING OUT (Contains Some ADULT Graphic Content)
Yup, freaking out.
The last 12hrs been trying everything, resisted the overwhelming urge to curl up & hide. And have tried to practice the 'skills' I've learnt, keeping occupied with tasks like dishes, washing, walking the dog, etc. Tasks that don't involve serious amounts of thought, and trying to not let the physical state of my anxiety take over, by keeping an eye on my breathing, and trying not to spiral into panic.
I am being triggered at every turn, from my nightmares, so the minute I wake up, but all the hours in between. Be it an external trigger, like something on TV or in a book (or I would say speaking to someone, but I haven't been able to answer the phone in about 5 days), or more & more just the most random images & thoughts from the past.
Images like in the last few hours it has been my head jambed down onto a pillow, only one side of my face able to see because I am lying on my stomach, lying on a water-bed with the weight of a person on top of me with what I can only imagine is a hand pushing down on the back of my neck, there is shooting pain like I cannot even begin to find the words to describe as I am anally raped (the pain is partly from the extensive tearing and splitting of the skin as I found out the next day). I can feel the ghost sparks of pain as the images rush around my head, I can hear the noise of the sound of the water in the bed as the movements shake the contents, my chest now is tight and it seems hard to get enough air as I relive the smells of musty 'man' smell and residue of hair product as I tried to get enough air with one nostril and half my mouth pressed into the pillow and no way to move any part of my body.
I don't sit around trying to bring these memories back AND choose to dwell on them. Trust me, I am doing everything possible and have been for the last few months, by myself to try and 'keep living' and 'keep doing the next best thing' and trying to 'be as functional' as possible trying with different successes to not resort to 'old not-so-positive' coping strategies (like cutting, alcohol and other drugs, not eating). I DON'T THINK THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE. I would do anything, and often am reduced to my knees crying begging for some relief, or some understanding as to why I am being suffocated by all of this.
So things like writing my Submission for the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims, pretty god-damned important for me to do, have known about it for awhile, needs to be done in the next couple of days. Can't even open the 'ACC' box of papers anymore to go through any of the documentation.
I don't understand why ACC suddenly threw me away when they were being kept 100% up to date and in the loop with reports from multiple treatment providers with my treatment plan and how it was progressing, that I had reached a point where I had achieved the beginnings of enough day-to-day safety skills that I was beginning to unpack and talk about the stuff of my nightmares, would stop everything and leave me swimming without a life-jacket. Every single report, even from two of their externally appointed ACC assessors concurred that I was doing what I needed to be doing and that I needed to continue on the treatment plan I was on. I've sent them countless emails and even rang ACC begging for help. I am NOT TRYING to manipulate anyone for anything (if you read this Peter Jensen), up until my support got taken away I have always worked so hard and was committed to knowing that it was going to be a life-long journey of recovery. Have I done something wrong in thinking that there was a better way of dealing with this than drinking away the images in my head.
Yes, I have had two (kindly-discounted) sessions of therapy in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know where to start (or if I am going to be able to afford it on-going). I don't even know if I can go back to see this person. I can't even get to the fricken supermarket or answer the phone. The only contact with the world I've now managed is brief spells of interaction on twitter.
I've been watching myself get worse functionally, and my heart is breaking because it just seems all so unnecessary, I know have fallen into the crack of a change of systems withen ACC, but it sucks, I am a person, I want to have a life. I want to get better.
The last 12hrs been trying everything, resisted the overwhelming urge to curl up & hide. And have tried to practice the 'skills' I've learnt, keeping occupied with tasks like dishes, washing, walking the dog, etc. Tasks that don't involve serious amounts of thought, and trying to not let the physical state of my anxiety take over, by keeping an eye on my breathing, and trying not to spiral into panic.
I am being triggered at every turn, from my nightmares, so the minute I wake up, but all the hours in between. Be it an external trigger, like something on TV or in a book (or I would say speaking to someone, but I haven't been able to answer the phone in about 5 days), or more & more just the most random images & thoughts from the past.
Images like in the last few hours it has been my head jambed down onto a pillow, only one side of my face able to see because I am lying on my stomach, lying on a water-bed with the weight of a person on top of me with what I can only imagine is a hand pushing down on the back of my neck, there is shooting pain like I cannot even begin to find the words to describe as I am anally raped (the pain is partly from the extensive tearing and splitting of the skin as I found out the next day). I can feel the ghost sparks of pain as the images rush around my head, I can hear the noise of the sound of the water in the bed as the movements shake the contents, my chest now is tight and it seems hard to get enough air as I relive the smells of musty 'man' smell and residue of hair product as I tried to get enough air with one nostril and half my mouth pressed into the pillow and no way to move any part of my body.
I don't sit around trying to bring these memories back AND choose to dwell on them. Trust me, I am doing everything possible and have been for the last few months, by myself to try and 'keep living' and 'keep doing the next best thing' and trying to 'be as functional' as possible trying with different successes to not resort to 'old not-so-positive' coping strategies (like cutting, alcohol and other drugs, not eating). I DON'T THINK THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE. I would do anything, and often am reduced to my knees crying begging for some relief, or some understanding as to why I am being suffocated by all of this.
So things like writing my Submission for the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims, pretty god-damned important for me to do, have known about it for awhile, needs to be done in the next couple of days. Can't even open the 'ACC' box of papers anymore to go through any of the documentation.
I don't understand why ACC suddenly threw me away when they were being kept 100% up to date and in the loop with reports from multiple treatment providers with my treatment plan and how it was progressing, that I had reached a point where I had achieved the beginnings of enough day-to-day safety skills that I was beginning to unpack and talk about the stuff of my nightmares, would stop everything and leave me swimming without a life-jacket. Every single report, even from two of their externally appointed ACC assessors concurred that I was doing what I needed to be doing and that I needed to continue on the treatment plan I was on. I've sent them countless emails and even rang ACC begging for help. I am NOT TRYING to manipulate anyone for anything (if you read this Peter Jensen), up until my support got taken away I have always worked so hard and was committed to knowing that it was going to be a life-long journey of recovery. Have I done something wrong in thinking that there was a better way of dealing with this than drinking away the images in my head.
Yes, I have had two (kindly-discounted) sessions of therapy in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know where to start (or if I am going to be able to afford it on-going). I don't even know if I can go back to see this person. I can't even get to the fricken supermarket or answer the phone. The only contact with the world I've now managed is brief spells of interaction on twitter.
I've been watching myself get worse functionally, and my heart is breaking because it just seems all so unnecessary, I know have fallen into the crack of a change of systems withen ACC, but it sucks, I am a person, I want to have a life. I want to get better.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Moving House + Nutters Club
I have just been listening to The Nutters Club on Radiolive. It's a fantastic show, tonight the guest was a parent of Autistic children, they have guests each Sunday evening from all kinds of areas and aspects to do with Mental Health and Addiction.
So this is something I am not sure if I am allowed to, or should be talking about.
The latest thing that I have found out a week or so ago in the line of tactics that 'ACC' (or their lawyers??) is now pursuing as relevant evidence in one of the reviews that has been before a Judge recently is basically because I was able to, and did move house last year, that somehow shows that I was 'well', did not apparently (and maybe do not) either need the level of or any assistance, or that there is some misrepresentation or inaccuracy in my truth, my treatment providers opinions & treatment plans, and an externally appointed ACC quite thorough Assessment.
Part of the reason that I have been reluctant to write about this so far is that I am not able to quote documents verbatim with what is going on through the court process at the moment, BUT, I've decided that I do have the gist of it, and I need to talk about how it's impacting on me.
It really feels like I am on fricken trial here, and am under a microscope by ACC. I feel like I am being treated like a problem to be 'dispatched' with by any means necessary (really don't think think it is all in my head with them compounding attack upon insult with me just wanting to get and be well).
OMG! It feels like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't with regards to what I say and communicate. Since my therapy was chopped at the knees in Oct 09 and this process of being treated like shit by ACC I am now triple guessing and checking everything I say and think. I know when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare how real the effects are for me, but it has got me at other times going over and over stuff in my head trying to 'work out' the 'truth'. Pre-October, sure there were things about my thinking that weren't well sometimes, but now with this 'PROCESS' that I am being put through that doesn't even make sense (to anyone); and about something so very personal and intimate, it's not like they (ACC) didn't have very specific knowledge about the 'sensitive' nature of my claim well before they started all these actions.
I mean, come on. I was in the position last year where I found out that I needed to move, it happens, right? So it was quite difficult finding a place and shifting by myself for the most part, but I did in August, cause I had to. It was only weeks later that EVERYTHING stopped when I got that phone call saying that 'I had 5 sessions of therapy left'. So yeah I moved house, there is still half a dozen boxes unpacked in the middle of my lounge because I have been to f*%&ed up and not even functional enough in the aftermath of ACC's actions to unpack boxes. They want that to show or prove what. Crap.
How was that Football game this morning (USA vs ENG), have never even watched a game before, but thought it was great! And to make the game even better I got a tweet from Ms Kylie Minogue!
So this is something I am not sure if I am allowed to, or should be talking about.
The latest thing that I have found out a week or so ago in the line of tactics that 'ACC' (or their lawyers??) is now pursuing as relevant evidence in one of the reviews that has been before a Judge recently is basically because I was able to, and did move house last year, that somehow shows that I was 'well', did not apparently (and maybe do not) either need the level of or any assistance, or that there is some misrepresentation or inaccuracy in my truth, my treatment providers opinions & treatment plans, and an externally appointed ACC quite thorough Assessment.
Part of the reason that I have been reluctant to write about this so far is that I am not able to quote documents verbatim with what is going on through the court process at the moment, BUT, I've decided that I do have the gist of it, and I need to talk about how it's impacting on me.
It really feels like I am on fricken trial here, and am under a microscope by ACC. I feel like I am being treated like a problem to be 'dispatched' with by any means necessary (really don't think think it is all in my head with them compounding attack upon insult with me just wanting to get and be well).
OMG! It feels like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't with regards to what I say and communicate. Since my therapy was chopped at the knees in Oct 09 and this process of being treated like shit by ACC I am now triple guessing and checking everything I say and think. I know when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare how real the effects are for me, but it has got me at other times going over and over stuff in my head trying to 'work out' the 'truth'. Pre-October, sure there were things about my thinking that weren't well sometimes, but now with this 'PROCESS' that I am being put through that doesn't even make sense (to anyone); and about something so very personal and intimate, it's not like they (ACC) didn't have very specific knowledge about the 'sensitive' nature of my claim well before they started all these actions.
I mean, come on. I was in the position last year where I found out that I needed to move, it happens, right? So it was quite difficult finding a place and shifting by myself for the most part, but I did in August, cause I had to. It was only weeks later that EVERYTHING stopped when I got that phone call saying that 'I had 5 sessions of therapy left'. So yeah I moved house, there is still half a dozen boxes unpacked in the middle of my lounge because I have been to f*%&ed up and not even functional enough in the aftermath of ACC's actions to unpack boxes. They want that to show or prove what. Crap.
How was that Football game this morning (USA vs ENG), have never even watched a game before, but thought it was great! And to make the game even better I got a tweet from Ms Kylie Minogue!
Friday, June 11, 2010
So... Friday Nite. The Good and the Difficult.
So...
I was half-way through writing another blog-post today. And haven't been able to finish it yet. It's called Flashback and is a description of this intense flashback I had last night that was something I haven't thought about in months.
It's taking everything I've got not to start cutting, I want to cut and cut and cut. Cut away the pain.
I am frantically watching TV, channel surfing to avoid adverts, cause during adverts I start to zone out, and then I start to think. Meanwhile while watching also multi-tasking with doing my nails, folding washing, cleaning the bathroom, blah blah blah.
Was watching the beginning of Shortland Street and wondering when they are going to get around to changing their opening credits, it seems like most of the people they show in that sequence are no longer on the program.
It is much easier thinking about banal things like that than what is really in my head.
I've probably had 6 hours sleep over the last 3 days.
The night before last I fell asleep sometime around 3am and had what I call a '10 out of 10' nightmare. One of the ones where hours later I am still 'feeling it', in spite of practicing all my skills, mindfulness and distraction, trying to change what's going through my head, through my body.
2 Good Things of the Week
- I managed to walk my beautiful dog Molly every day except one! Yesterday I forgot there was road works on one particular street though and walked down it, as I walked past the 'gang' of men one of them said, 'hey sweetheart, is that a well behaved doggie'. Okay, so inside I freaked, but managed to just keep walking and get home.
- Having an appointment with a therapist. Am borrowing some money, because I don't want to keep getting worse. I realise with how far 'down' I've gone over the last few months that it's going to take awhile to start to 'feel better' (because I've still been feeling very low), and to feel like my life and ME are on the journey toward being productive and functional, instead of just sinking. Baby Step.
2 Difficult Things of the Week
- Realising that it has gone from ACC wanting to deny me any help or subsidised assistance TO them now actively trying to PROVE my not needing, or being untitled to help under my Sensitive Claim, not only now and for the future, but ALSO historically. Okay, so the obvious difficult part of this is it is going to suck if the only way I can get any treatment is to keep trying to borrow money. BUT the bigger part of this at the moment is the self-reflection and the doubt being cast on my truth, the truth on the effects I have experiencing, AND also the solution and any progress and achievements that I may have had. It's very confusing and scary.
- On Thursday morning I must have fallen asleep just after 6am, I had a 10.45am really important appointment with a specialist. Even though I had been trying to rest since midnight I was just too anxious to get to sleep, anyway so I knew I might be overtired but I was determined to go and set me alarm for 9am. I woke up just after 8am from a '10 out of 10' scary-arse night terror. I was a mess, crying and shaking, doing everything to try and not be 'in' what had just been happening in my head. So there was no way I could get dressed, leave the house, and go and be able to see this Doctor, that I really needed to see, and be able to be present in that appointment. So I rang and changed the appointment (including lying about why, saying I'd been awake all night with 24 stomach bug - to shameful and difficult to explain the truth). So I mucked around a Doctor I really respect by cancelling at the last minute, I didn't make it to an appointment that I not only needed to go to but would have been beneficial for me physically, I lied about why I couldn't go because I was too ashamed to say the real reason why I couldn't go (something I can't stand about myself).
So I'm not going to 'act out'. Am going to keep staying safe. Going to try and not think about all this anymore today though. Going to go and watch 7 days on TV3+1 which I think is awesomely funny (Radiradirah and it's rapist jokes not so funny, just bad-taste).
I was half-way through writing another blog-post today. And haven't been able to finish it yet. It's called Flashback and is a description of this intense flashback I had last night that was something I haven't thought about in months.
It's taking everything I've got not to start cutting, I want to cut and cut and cut. Cut away the pain.
I am frantically watching TV, channel surfing to avoid adverts, cause during adverts I start to zone out, and then I start to think. Meanwhile while watching also multi-tasking with doing my nails, folding washing, cleaning the bathroom, blah blah blah.
Was watching the beginning of Shortland Street and wondering when they are going to get around to changing their opening credits, it seems like most of the people they show in that sequence are no longer on the program.
It is much easier thinking about banal things like that than what is really in my head.
I've probably had 6 hours sleep over the last 3 days.
The night before last I fell asleep sometime around 3am and had what I call a '10 out of 10' nightmare. One of the ones where hours later I am still 'feeling it', in spite of practicing all my skills, mindfulness and distraction, trying to change what's going through my head, through my body.
2 Good Things of the Week
- I managed to walk my beautiful dog Molly every day except one! Yesterday I forgot there was road works on one particular street though and walked down it, as I walked past the 'gang' of men one of them said, 'hey sweetheart, is that a well behaved doggie'. Okay, so inside I freaked, but managed to just keep walking and get home.
- Having an appointment with a therapist. Am borrowing some money, because I don't want to keep getting worse. I realise with how far 'down' I've gone over the last few months that it's going to take awhile to start to 'feel better' (because I've still been feeling very low), and to feel like my life and ME are on the journey toward being productive and functional, instead of just sinking. Baby Step.
2 Difficult Things of the Week
- Realising that it has gone from ACC wanting to deny me any help or subsidised assistance TO them now actively trying to PROVE my not needing, or being untitled to help under my Sensitive Claim, not only now and for the future, but ALSO historically. Okay, so the obvious difficult part of this is it is going to suck if the only way I can get any treatment is to keep trying to borrow money. BUT the bigger part of this at the moment is the self-reflection and the doubt being cast on my truth, the truth on the effects I have experiencing, AND also the solution and any progress and achievements that I may have had. It's very confusing and scary.
- On Thursday morning I must have fallen asleep just after 6am, I had a 10.45am really important appointment with a specialist. Even though I had been trying to rest since midnight I was just too anxious to get to sleep, anyway so I knew I might be overtired but I was determined to go and set me alarm for 9am. I woke up just after 8am from a '10 out of 10' scary-arse night terror. I was a mess, crying and shaking, doing everything to try and not be 'in' what had just been happening in my head. So there was no way I could get dressed, leave the house, and go and be able to see this Doctor, that I really needed to see, and be able to be present in that appointment. So I rang and changed the appointment (including lying about why, saying I'd been awake all night with 24 stomach bug - to shameful and difficult to explain the truth). So I mucked around a Doctor I really respect by cancelling at the last minute, I didn't make it to an appointment that I not only needed to go to but would have been beneficial for me physically, I lied about why I couldn't go because I was too ashamed to say the real reason why I couldn't go (something I can't stand about myself).
So I'm not going to 'act out'. Am going to keep staying safe. Going to try and not think about all this anymore today though. Going to go and watch 7 days on TV3+1 which I think is awesomely funny (Radiradirah and it's rapist jokes not so funny, just bad-taste).
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Slander + Submission
When I was just a girl, I was upset and hurt and scared. Somebody asked me what I was upset about and I told them.
Not long after I was bundled into the back of a car and told that if I ever, ever, said anything like that again that I would be charged with Slander and I would be sent to jail. Even though for my age I was well read and had a good education I didn't know what slander meant, I had to swallow the tears and the snot and the fear, but I looked it up later in a dictionary. SLANDER.
Part of what has limited me in writing on here is other's anonymity, but at times it feels it's too my detriment. Keeping others secrets is one thing, not able to speak the truth as it's affected me is I guess an on-going theme in my life. A weave of conditional relationships, but patchy and confusing.
I currently have some 'stuff' going through 'review' with ACC. I am not going to publish the process and outcome of that on here until there is a court appointed decision, but already the 'tactics' by ACC seem desperate, nasty and MEAN with what has come before the Tribunal so far. Would love to tell you what their latest tactic has been, or what they are hanging their hat on to expel part of my claim, here is ACC's Ethos apparently.
There are still things that happen today that I get confused about, I suffer confusion from, stuff that I am apparently not meant to or not allowed to talk about, even though it directly impacts on me, leaves me shaken, kneeling on my kitchen floor, sobbing my heart out with the pain of not understanding why some people do what they do, and say what they say. As I cry I feel that broken pieces of me come dangerously close to the surface, and each time it takes more and more to dunk those pieces back down in the dark.
For some reading this what I have written probably may have been written in pig latin, for others, will maybe have a knowing of what I'm trying to write.
There is an important thing that I need to have blogged about, it's the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims. SUBMISSIONS ARE DUE BEFORE JUNE 18 (so get a wriggle on). Anyway there is a kind soul who has written a step by step (how-to) guide to give ANYONE the chance to make a submission. I have recieved permission to reprint this fully on my blog, but that might have to wait a couple of days.
What I really want to say is if you know someone who has ever been the victim of abuse or sexual trauma or rape, hopefully by now, you are aware enough with what has been happening around support available that you would feel compelled be able to make a submission.
If you think you don't know anyone affected by this issue, then consider that a blessing in the lives of those you are close to, but...
Ponder This, if your daughter or son, if your brother or sister, or your best-friend or work mate was the victim of the crime of sexual assault, rape or abuse, what kind of care would you like made available for them? Because this isn't about just me, and Louise Nicholas, and a handful of other survivors who have managed to put their hands up publically, this New Clinical Pathway isn't just about the way in which current victims are being treated (or rather mistreated), it's also ABOUT HOW THE SYSTEM IN OUR COUNTRY is actually structured going forward. So do you want to know that if someone you know actually has to experience one of the most horrendous crimes on the planet that there will be HELP there available to them, safe, effective, meaningful HELP.
If you have the time and have any doubt, go back to the beginning of my blog, read through it again, imagining it is your cousin or your neighbour, would you want there to be some safe and helpful services available for that person.
Please make a SUBMISSION, while there is still time for our voices to be heard.
Not long after I was bundled into the back of a car and told that if I ever, ever, said anything like that again that I would be charged with Slander and I would be sent to jail. Even though for my age I was well read and had a good education I didn't know what slander meant, I had to swallow the tears and the snot and the fear, but I looked it up later in a dictionary. SLANDER.
Part of what has limited me in writing on here is other's anonymity, but at times it feels it's too my detriment. Keeping others secrets is one thing, not able to speak the truth as it's affected me is I guess an on-going theme in my life. A weave of conditional relationships, but patchy and confusing.
I currently have some 'stuff' going through 'review' with ACC. I am not going to publish the process and outcome of that on here until there is a court appointed decision, but already the 'tactics' by ACC seem desperate, nasty and MEAN with what has come before the Tribunal so far. Would love to tell you what their latest tactic has been, or what they are hanging their hat on to expel part of my claim, here is ACC's Ethos apparently.
There are still things that happen today that I get confused about, I suffer confusion from, stuff that I am apparently not meant to or not allowed to talk about, even though it directly impacts on me, leaves me shaken, kneeling on my kitchen floor, sobbing my heart out with the pain of not understanding why some people do what they do, and say what they say. As I cry I feel that broken pieces of me come dangerously close to the surface, and each time it takes more and more to dunk those pieces back down in the dark.
For some reading this what I have written probably may have been written in pig latin, for others, will maybe have a knowing of what I'm trying to write.
There is an important thing that I need to have blogged about, it's the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims. SUBMISSIONS ARE DUE BEFORE JUNE 18 (so get a wriggle on). Anyway there is a kind soul who has written a step by step (how-to) guide to give ANYONE the chance to make a submission. I have recieved permission to reprint this fully on my blog, but that might have to wait a couple of days.
What I really want to say is if you know someone who has ever been the victim of abuse or sexual trauma or rape, hopefully by now, you are aware enough with what has been happening around support available that you would feel compelled be able to make a submission.
If you think you don't know anyone affected by this issue, then consider that a blessing in the lives of those you are close to, but...
Ponder This, if your daughter or son, if your brother or sister, or your best-friend or work mate was the victim of the crime of sexual assault, rape or abuse, what kind of care would you like made available for them? Because this isn't about just me, and Louise Nicholas, and a handful of other survivors who have managed to put their hands up publically, this New Clinical Pathway isn't just about the way in which current victims are being treated (or rather mistreated), it's also ABOUT HOW THE SYSTEM IN OUR COUNTRY is actually structured going forward. So do you want to know that if someone you know actually has to experience one of the most horrendous crimes on the planet that there will be HELP there available to them, safe, effective, meaningful HELP.
If you have the time and have any doubt, go back to the beginning of my blog, read through it again, imagining it is your cousin or your neighbour, would you want there to be some safe and helpful services available for that person.
Please make a SUBMISSION, while there is still time for our voices to be heard.
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