So... Friday Nite. The Good and the Difficult.

So...

I was half-way through writing another blog-post today. And haven't been able to finish it yet. It's called Flashback and is a description of this intense flashback I had last night that was something I haven't thought about in months.

It's taking everything I've got not to start cutting, I want to cut and cut and cut. Cut away the pain.

I am frantically watching TV, channel surfing to avoid adverts, cause during adverts I start to zone out, and then I start to think. Meanwhile while watching also multi-tasking with doing my nails, folding washing, cleaning the bathroom, blah blah blah.
Was watching the beginning of Shortland Street and wondering when they are going to get around to changing their opening credits, it seems like most of the people they show in that sequence are no longer on the program.

It is much easier thinking about banal things like that than what is really in my head.
I've probably had 6 hours sleep over the last 3 days.
The night before last I fell asleep sometime around 3am and had what I call a '10 out of 10' nightmare. One of the ones where hours later I am still 'feeling it', in spite of practicing all my skills, mindfulness and distraction, trying to change what's going through my head, through my body.


2 Good Things of the Week

- I managed to walk my beautiful dog Molly every day except one! Yesterday I forgot there was road works on one particular street though and walked down it, as I walked past the 'gang' of men one of them said, 'hey sweetheart, is that a well behaved doggie'. Okay, so inside I freaked, but managed to just keep walking and get home.

- Having an appointment with a therapist. Am borrowing some money, because I don't want to keep getting worse. I realise with how far 'down' I've gone over the last few months that it's going to take awhile to start to 'feel better' (because I've still been feeling very low), and to feel like my life and ME are on the journey toward being productive and functional, instead of just sinking. Baby Step.



2 Difficult Things of the Week

- Realising that it has gone from ACC wanting to deny me any help or subsidised assistance TO them now actively trying to PROVE my not needing, or being untitled to help under my Sensitive Claim, not only now and for the future, but ALSO historically. Okay, so the obvious difficult part of this is it is going to suck if the only way I can get any treatment is to keep trying to borrow money. BUT the bigger part of this at the moment is the self-reflection and the doubt being cast on my truth, the truth on the effects I have experiencing, AND also the solution and any progress and achievements that I may have had. It's very confusing and scary.

- On Thursday morning I must have fallen asleep just after 6am, I had a 10.45am really important appointment with a specialist. Even though I had been trying to rest since midnight I was just too anxious to get to sleep, anyway so I knew I might be overtired but I was determined to go and set me alarm for 9am. I woke up just after 8am from a '10 out of 10' scary-arse night terror. I was a mess, crying and shaking, doing everything to try and not be 'in' what had just been happening in my head. So there was no way I could get dressed, leave the house, and go and be able to see this Doctor, that I really needed to see, and be able to be present in that appointment. So I rang and changed the appointment (including lying about why, saying I'd been awake all night with 24 stomach bug - to shameful and difficult to explain the truth). So I mucked around a Doctor I really respect by cancelling at the last minute, I didn't make it to an appointment that I not only needed to go to but would have been beneficial for me physically, I lied about why I couldn't go because I was too ashamed to say the real reason why I couldn't go (something I can't stand about myself).

So I'm not going to 'act out'. Am going to keep staying safe. Going to try and not think about all this anymore today though. Going to go and watch 7 days on TV3+1 which I think is awesomely funny (Radiradirah and it's rapist jokes not so funny, just bad-taste).