FREAKING OUT (Contains Some ADULT Graphic Content)

Yup, freaking out.
The last 12hrs been trying everything, resisted the overwhelming urge to curl up & hide. And have tried to practice the 'skills' I've learnt, keeping occupied with tasks like dishes, washing, walking the dog, etc. Tasks that don't involve serious amounts of thought, and trying to not let the physical state of my anxiety take over, by keeping an eye on my breathing, and trying not to spiral into panic.

I am being triggered at every turn, from my nightmares, so the minute I wake up, but all the hours in between. Be it an external trigger, like something on TV or in a book (or I would say speaking to someone, but I haven't been able to answer the phone in about 5 days), or more & more just the most random images & thoughts from the past.

Images like in the last few hours it has been my head jambed down onto a pillow, only one side of my face able to see because I am lying on my stomach, lying on a water-bed with the weight of a person on top of me with what I can only imagine is a hand pushing down on the back of my neck, there is shooting pain like I cannot even begin to find the words to describe as I am anally raped (the pain is partly from the extensive tearing and splitting of the skin as I found out the next day). I can feel the ghost sparks of pain as the images rush around my head, I can hear the noise of the sound of the water in the bed as the movements shake the contents, my chest now is tight and it seems hard to get enough air as I relive the smells of musty 'man' smell and residue of hair product as I tried to get enough air with one nostril and half my mouth pressed into the pillow and no way to move any part of my body.

I don't sit around trying to bring these memories back AND choose to dwell on them. Trust me, I am doing everything possible and have been for the last few months, by myself to try and 'keep living' and 'keep doing the next best thing' and trying to 'be as functional' as possible trying with different successes to not resort to 'old not-so-positive' coping strategies (like cutting, alcohol and other drugs, not eating). I DON'T THINK THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE. I would do anything, and often am reduced to my knees crying begging for some relief, or some understanding as to why I am being suffocated by all of this.

So things like writing my Submission for the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims, pretty god-damned important for me to do, have known about it for awhile, needs to be done in the next couple of days. Can't even open the 'ACC' box of papers anymore to go through any of the documentation.

I don't understand why ACC suddenly threw me away when they were being kept 100% up to date and in the loop with reports from multiple treatment providers with my treatment plan and how it was progressing, that I had reached a point where I had achieved the beginnings of enough day-to-day safety skills that I was beginning to unpack and talk about the stuff of my nightmares, would stop everything and leave me swimming without a life-jacket. Every single report, even from two of their externally appointed ACC assessors concurred that I was doing what I needed to be doing and that I needed to continue on the treatment plan I was on. I've sent them countless emails and even rang ACC begging for help. I am NOT TRYING to manipulate anyone for anything (if you read this Peter Jensen), up until my support got taken away I have always worked so hard and was committed to knowing that it was going to be a life-long journey of recovery. Have I done something wrong in thinking that there was a better way of dealing with this than drinking away the images in my head.

Yes, I have had two (kindly-discounted) sessions of therapy in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know where to start (or if I am going to be able to afford it on-going). I don't even know if I can go back to see this person. I can't even get to the fricken supermarket or answer the phone. The only contact with the world I've now managed is brief spells of interaction on twitter.

I've been watching myself get worse functionally, and my heart is breaking because it just seems all so unnecessary, I know have fallen into the crack of a change of systems withen ACC, but it sucks, I am a person, I want to have a life. I want to get better.