Worthless

Right now I feel Hopeless and Worthless, full of Toxic Shame, I'm sure it will shift or change at some point, everything does. (I want to cry and cut and scream and hold my breath and hide and run away and just not be, all at the same time)

Friday just gone was a really bad day. And today was absolutely terrible. But there have been moments of hope and productivity over the space in between.

On Thursday night I had no sleep (normal), and was just falling asleep Friday morning and there was a knock at the door, or rather Molly obviously hearing a van outside before I heard anything was up barking her head off AND THEN there was a knock at the door.

It was a Courier with a package from ACC, it was the response from the Request for Information that I had submitted as a result of reading the Statement that Denise Cosgrove had decided to make to the Sunday Star Times. I still am having difficulty grasping why a week after the Sunday Star Times Article 'ACC Cut My Lifeline' where ACC had at least a weeks notice to formulate their comments, why this Woman in her official capacity as a representative of ACC (the organisation that holds all the official documents of my Sensitive Claim and is meant to be part of the solution of my healing from rape, torture and sexual assault) decided to make these allegations about me, my care, and claim.

The Courier Package was about 4 inches thick of A4 documents with a Cover Letter. Here is a quote from the cover letter:

"In relation to point 3 and 4, on 13/01/2010 Dr ***** [Psychatrist's Name] and ***** ***** [Therapist's Name] agreed with ACC to arrange the referral on your behalf to Segar House. Both Dr ***** and ***** ****** have told ACC that you are not willing to participate with treatment at Segar House at this time.

ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House as recommended by Dr *****."

(You can see the 'points 3 & 4' referred to in a copy of the letter I sent HERE'
Only being a page long it didn't really cover much else.
The letter went on to say:

"We're happy to answer your questions
Please call me on 0800 735 566 if you would like to talk about the information we've provided. If you have any queries to your ongoing entitlements, please contact Michelle Wogan, Case Manager, on 0800 735 566.

Yours sincerely
Sarah Boggs
Senior Support Co-ordinator
Telephone:0800 735 566"

I NORMALLY restrain myself from actually contacting the 'SENSITIVE' Claims Unit by phone, because it's usually a waste of time (you can see the results from the last time I had phone contact with them HERE, note there was no mention in that hour I spent on the phone with them then of 'Segar House'). BUT I was SO VERY UPSET at the downright Manipulation of events and further UNTRUTHS conveyed that I decided to ring them.

So I rang the 0800 number, spoke to a really nice sounding seemingly helpful man named Peter.
First I asked him about why in this letter it said that Selena Domingaz who was/is my ACC Case Manager has changed to a 'Michelle Wogan' without myself and my Treatment Providers being notified in writing about the change? (This is what I would consider a small respect considering the nature of the information in my file and also particularly relevant when you are dealing with a client with issues around safety, however it was something a couple of years ago after multiple changes of Case Managers that neither I nor my Treatment Provider's could keep up with the latest email addresses, I had to request in writing that from now on a change in Case Manager would result in written notification to all involved in my Care and Claim, this was acknowledged in writing, is noted in my file AND early last year WAS actually done when Selena Domingaz came on as my Case Manager) The guy on the phone didn't know, I didn't really expect him too.
So then we moved on, he asked me if he could help me with something, I said I imagined it was probably out of his scope to assist with but I started to tell him a bit, he quickly said that it might be better to try and put me through to my Case Manager. At this I asked to speak to 'Sarah Boggs', the person who had signed the letter, he tried her and said she was out of the office for the rest of the week.
So then I said okay, you can try the Case Manager, he came back saying 'she was on leave, not knowing a date of return'. So then I asked if I could speak to Denise Cosgrove (since she can speak publically ABOUT me, perhaps she could speak TO me), he eventually came back on the line and said that the line had just rung and rung until it rung out.
Sighing I thanked him for his time and assistance.

Now that I have documented proof of UNTRUTHS I have the option of taking it up with the Privacy Commission and onto Human Rights from there. I cannot afford a Lawyer to help me with this. I can't spend the next 6 or 12 months filling out forms, writing statements and letters to try and stand up for my rights, my truth and to try and get the treatment and help I need. I've been trying to do all that for months and months now even though I am now too overwhelmed to enter a supermarket alone.

I am too tired and exhausted to fully go into explaining why ACC's behavior around my claim has become two steps away from evil. Most of the explanations around the Segar House, what has and has not happened, who I am, what has happened to me, what I need and how very hard I have worked too get well are right through-out my blog. (so read carefully before you post a comment, I let almost all rational comments through, but it is you that will look stupid if you decide to say something that is not correct based on the ignorance of not bothering to check simple facts in my blog)

BUT there have been a couple of sparks of hope that I am holding onto, I am trying to concentrate on the simple stuff like trying to get washing dry, trying to eat enough, trying to look after Molly properly. I love Molly so much, I know she is just an animal, but she's my baby. I want to have a life worth living, I am getting down on my knees on a daily basis at the moment just to ask my Higher Power just to allow me the strength to cope and get through the next 24 hours and to look after Molly. Molly makes my day worth it, just.

Just a girl, holding on.