BLUE

The last time I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims was on the 5 May 2010, I rang them feeling pretty desperate, really desperate actually. After an hour on the phone with them speaking to several different managers and looking at my file was "all that we can give you is the number for the Presbyterian Church Services"

I am listening to the "Nutter's Club" on RadioLive, it's a great show, doing great things for the community.

I managed to take Molly (my dog) out for a walk today, do a load of washing, some cleaning and even made something to eat. I know enough to be able to force myself to do the simple things acting 'as-if', the things that I should be doing 'as-if' I am ok.

But I don't feel ok. It's Monday tomorrow, I feel like my existence is pretty pointless, is hopeless. I know that when I am given the tools to help myself that I work really hard, but I am not sure where and how I am meant to help myself.

It's dark out and when the radio goes off the images going round and round in my head will be there. I swear when I have the nightmares of re-living of the rapes I experienced that I can feel it physically in my body. Somebody told me once that the brain doesn't know the difference between experiencing things when you are awake and asleep, so that there is part of my body that is living through it again.

I know how lucky I am that I have a place to lay my head tonight, I know what it is like to sleep under a tree in the middle of winter and I am not there now, but I know that there are people out there who can't even get warm tonight and will go to sleep hungry.

I am wondering if I need to try and face the fact that I will never have any more therapy, never see my therapist again, never have a chance to finish talking about what happened, or will never get the help 'practicing' to live the way that I was doing.

I still feel very blue.