So in the last couple of days there are now some people who may have this web address, be able to view this blog, and even know who I am while being able to see stuff about me. Freaky and trying not to think about it and hope that I don't get negative judgement for having made my 'secret' blog not so secret.
As always there is more to write than I can probably manage to get down. I've had just over an hour's sleep last night, before I had one of those nightmares. I am beginning to wish that I have been almost greedy in wanting the nightmares to go away, and wasn't valuing the few hours sleep that I was getting before they would happen. Don't think I've had more than 2hours at one time in over a couple of weeks.
I have tried my best this week. I got in touch with Lynne Pillay, Neville Toohey and even messaged Cameron Slater. Sharing with them, the facts around what is happening, or rather not happening.
I'm a mess really, sometimes even my mum can't handle talking to me with my just crying on the other end of the phone. I think I must be really hard work, I know that it is like an anxiety attack that just won't ease. I've been nauseous and can't keep food down on and off for the last few months, and it has been four days in a row of that now. I know that the stress is manifesting physically.
Not even sure I should be writing this stuff for people to be able to see, will anyone understand what it is like to try and read a page of a book again, and again, and again, and to just have these awful images blocking the words, and there is no one that I can talk to about them to get them out. No one I can tell.
If you are reading this and wondering more facts behind the situation that I am in check out check out an informative blog from Kyle MacDonald.
Today, I just want to have a 'normal' life, with up's and down's. I want to go back to work and study. I want to not be afraid, I want to be able throw away the box that ACC put me in. All I was before all this, was a woman who had had some stuff happen that I was in the process of dealing with, like being half way through an operation to fix a knee, you wouldn't stop the surgery half way through, then say look, we know your going to be in pain and limp and never walk again, but policy has changed. Oh no wait, hang on, that's right, ACC has said that it is the best thing, THE RIGHT THING for me to have stopped receiving any subsidised care. I know they say money doesn't buy you happiness, it must be even easier to say that on a MP's salary. If I had the money I would pay for all my own care myself, but I don't. The last time I was raped I was working a 50-60hour week. But I never even lodged a claim with ACC for this until much later, when I was able to whisper the R-word to a therapist... at that date I was not working therefore will never be entitled to any $ through workplace pay or cover or whatever it's called. THAT is something that I didn't even know about until the last month or so, because I had never asked ACC about it at all, it was only in my desperation to try and see if there was any way for me to pay for my treatment that I asked.
Enough writing.
If someone thinks that I am doing myself a dis-service by having this blog online, and be open about this stuff, please say, it is hard to know when it's something that feels so taboo to say, wonder whether that is what NICK SMITH & CO are banking on.
your not alone here poppy,your fb friends are here for you if you need us,dont try and struggle through these bad times alone when there are people who understand and are willing to help you in whatever little way they can,be it a shoulder to cry on ,an ear to listen or a wall to shout and rave at,your friends will help all they can if you let them,hope this helps you.
ReplyDeleteyour friend andy,wayne and aj
You aren't wrong for talking about this and you are not alone. I am so tired of the R-word as you said being so taboo!! It happens and can ruin the lives of the victims. You are so very brave speaking out, taking a stand, being honest. You have my full respect and empathy.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI happened across your blog 100% by chance; I found it on a Twitter link. It's fair to say I'm a total stranger. But after reading what you have written so far, I think it's exceptionally strong for you to come out and write about your experience. I can't pretend to understand what you are going through, but do hang in there, keep trying your best. I hope that one day you are able to turn things around in your favour; you will get there!
You mention having a lot of shame for what has happened. Of course, I'm just an outsider looking in on segments of your life that you have written about, but in my eyes, there is absolutely no shame in talking about things. You are in no way a lesser person; you show amazing courage writing what you have here. Standing up and having your voice heard is not taboo! So if it helps you on the path to healing, keep writing!
All the best for the future, please hang in there; there will be light at the end of the tunnel!
lots of hugs for u. miss u a lot. there a so many things i would write to u. but my english is not good enough for that. but u have to now that i think every day of you...
ReplyDeletehugs for u babe
karina
Hi Danielle
ReplyDeleteI just read about your story on Stuff, and found your blog. Thank you so much for telling people your story, it needs desperately to be heard.
I had psychotherapy counselling for 10 years, going twice a week. Each time I tried to leave my therapy, I had a breakdown, sometimes suicidal. It was partially funded by WINZ on a disability allowance, but my counsellor also cut her price for me, so I could afford to come.
I often wondered if it the therapy would make any difference - but I had no choice really, I had to try it and give it my best, or I knew somewhere along the line I would kill myself. I remember my sister telling me she thought I had gone to it too long, it must not be doing any good.
It is now a few years since I finally made the break with my therapist, and didn't have a breakdown. I now feel I am safe in that I will not kill myself. It made all the difference in my life - my therapist saved me really.
What I want to say is I totally support you in your cause and argument with ACC. I completely understand how you need long-term counselling, and the fact that ACC say you have a dependence which is counter-productive is unbelievable stupidity and so so so not true.
I hope hope hope that in telling your story a way will be found for you to continue counselling. GOOD ON YOU.
Hi Sweet
ReplyDeleteJust read your article in the Herald and proudly wrote about you on my website. Don't you ever second guess yourself.
ACC is one screwed up system and even with all the study Lisa and I have put into this, we are still yet to find a single reputable organisation that agrees with these changes.
Take heart, questions will be asked in Parliament this Tuesday and with any luck, we might even get a few (dismissive) answers.
I know this doesn't help you personally at all. A complete retraction of their decision would be the only solution at this stage and I'm not sure that's going to happen quick enough for you.
The only thing that can logically be done now D is to offer my sincere and heartfelt admiration for you and to tell you, I know a lot of people who personally support you and have taken strength from your words and no ACC or governmental douchelord can take that away from you.
You keep doing what you are doing to keep you safe and on those days (and nights) when you just can't stand it, you write to one of us and we will be there - promise.
Take care hun.
You have got to be one of the most bravest woman I have ever come across. I read your story in the Herald and felt your pain...but also felt your strength. You have come so far D and I have nothing but admiration for the courage you have in telling your story.
ReplyDeleteThe NZ Government need a damn good kick in the rear to cut funding in areas where more money should be poured into.
Now that I have found you here and on Twitter, I will watch over you and send my prayers, smiles and loving thoughts to you.
Your new friend
Ngaire
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm a fellow survivor who found your blog through the Stuff article. Thank you for standing up and speaking out... I wish I had your courage. I'm also an ACC client, and am currently paying for my own therapy until I have a DATA assessment. I'm probably going to be kicked off ACC in much the same way as you have been... This, despite having several DSM diagnoses and several psychiatric assessments over the years saying that long term counselling is the only way that I will heal from the hell of the past.
Stay strong... One moment at a time...
Take care,
CG
Thank you for standing up for everyone not yet strong enough to stand up for themselves. The government has to start taking this seriously. Good luck and thank you for your bravery.
ReplyDeleteFrom another survivor who couldn't of recovered without ACC help and was only brave enough to stop councelling all those years ago under the belief that if it got triggered again I could go back.
Hi Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI just read the article on stuff.co.nz, my heart goes out to you and all the others affected by this as I was a victim of rape at a young age and a major factor of my still being on this earth was the services they are now removing access to.
There is no escaping what happened when I was a child but a drive to do something for others who have had to deal with the same things has helped keep me going all these years. Time and counseling have made things a little easier but I still take life one day at a time.
I am now studying documentary directing in the hope that I can give people a voice in the future and really make a difference, people like yourself who are willing to speak up and say what is happening isn't right are truly inspirational and a big part of why I am doing what I am doing.
If I can be of any help at all please let me know, either as a means to give you an extra voice via the medium of film or just an extra person to turn to for support should you need it, I'm certainly no counselor but I have been through the darkest days and come out the other side.
My email address is bleedr(at)gmail.com
Keep strong and keep your voice loud, you are helping to give a voice to those who so badly need one,
Much Respect,
Andrew
It is very brave of you for doing what you are doing. My sentiments are with everyone who have posted here and I hope all goes well with you.
ReplyDeleteYour friends and others are more than willing to help you and others in situations similar to yours.
I saw this blog after seeing the article at stuff.co.nz.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to write to say thankyou so much for speaking out. You -and all the other survivors- deserve better. I know at least one other person affected by this contemptuous change in policy by ACC, and I wanted to thank you for putting your story out there. It must be so difficult to see it from where you are standing, but your voice lends the other survivors strength. I hope that in turn others will be able to give that back to you.
Be well.
P.