Piece of Me, Through Another's Eyes

A few days ago I made the decision to email the link to this blog to a selection of people. It's important for me to try and convey the degree of how much I was a private person (hard maybe to understand with a recent tell-all story in Sunday Star Times!), but to that effect it was only a few months ago as things as my situation started to become more difficult that I even made this blog publicly accessible. Of course most people have a certain degree of privacy about certain aspects of their life, and I had kept some pretty awful secrets for many years, even though their effects occasionally would come out sideways and was not something that I could always hide. And again, obviously, those effects would then be felt by others, often unfairly.

Anyway, so I thought that with things becoming even more untenable that there were some people that deserved the opportunity to have access to my blog. I was quite selective with who I sent it to, but obviously my contact with the world has seriously deteriorated since October 2009 and well, yeah, I guess that is as much of an explanation that my sleep deprived brain can put together. I sent an email with the link address and explaining that it was a personal blog. I have no problem at all with someone not wishing to read it, especially if they are someone close to me there are of a number of reasons I could very much understand.

However, there was someone who read it, who emailed me a piece of himself that I would like to share. I haven't asked his permission to share it (naughty maybe, considering how personal it is), BUT it is MY personal blog and I am taking a couple of steps to protect his identity. Why am I posting it, within the first paragraph I was in tears, the person he is talking about (ME) seems so far away from where I am right now. I am forever grateful for those near and far that have faith and care for me. His email has given me some strength at a time when I have reached a place of finding out ACC, in turn representing the 'help' service of my Country, New Zealand, has not only turned their back on me (and my 'problems'), BUT now I have the documented proof of a long term campaign to ensure that no further 'money is needed to be spent on me or my needed treatment', I am very scared and very tired, but quite calm actually now.

Anyway here is the email, 'HE' obviously has the blog address and will see that I have posted it (obviously we are in direct contact by email, but I have been finding it difficult to maintain most contact (without it being personal, it's been about 'my' un-wellness) with my deterioration over the last few months), so HOPEFULLY he won't mind, and will understand why I've posted it. However if 'HE' does feel uncomfortable about it in anyway I will break my golden rule of not deleting past posts because it will be more important to respect his wishes and feelings. (it is completely unedited except for a couple of obvious omissions of names to protect anonymity)

"Hi danielle,
I am really glad you wrote back to me. I have a lot to say, and because I have been thinking all night about what I am going to say and because it is 7am I am going to ramble my ass off!! I have always made sure I tell you the truth about things and I hope you always thought I was frank and open with you, this is a new experience for me. I have never told you about yourself or myself like this though, so grab a cup of tea.....hahaha I am trying to start and I have all this stuff in my head that i was thinking I would say to you and now I am trying to start writing it and I don't know where to start.

I guess our relationship started like most others, with massive amounts of sexual attraction!!!!!, well for me anyway, I think you are super sexy and an extremely alluring woman!!!! Maybe that sounds a little superficial but it is the truth, and it sounds corny and cliched but truly as time went on I really fell in love with you. Your infectious personality assured that. No one in any relationship I have ever had has ever been as supporting as you are, no one put their heart on a sleeve like you and no one ever gave a shit about my feelings in a relationship before, it really was a breath of fresh air. That and your bubbly personality and out going ness really is how I remember you and it makes me feel nice and tingly and warm. You are honestly without a doubt one of the most amazing woman I have met, and as you know I have met a lot. But I am super picky, i have never had a one night stand, and I have never dated anyone that I have not known for years. I really like to know someone first, being in a relationship is serious stuff for me. Anyway, not only do I feel blessed to have met you but what a blessing it was, cream on the top, that you said yes to us dating for 2 years makes me feel like jesus! You were always so patient with me and supportive, I never would I gone diving if it wasnt for you, thats how amazing you are. You make things happen. I talk about them, procrastinate about them, fantasise about them, you are a doer and make them come true!! My dreams, you made come true!!!!! Thats what you do best!!!! Your probably thinking, no that cant be and beating yourself up fro one reason or another, but I never ever would of got the job at ******** if it wasnt for your support and encouragement, that job made me the man I am today. You did that!!! And if only you could see me now I know or hope you would be proud. I was so proud to have you on my arm, just to walk with you and have all the guys shoot their jealous stares, hahah and they only saw your outside, I knew who you were on the inside!!!! So proud and fond of you, I was definitely in love with you.

I think about you and us often. Of course it makes me sad, we cant be girlfriend and boyfriend, and of course I miss you! But when we were, we owned the world!!! Your just such an amazing woman and that you cant see it make same so sad. And now after all this time, you still seem to think you dont deserve happiness, that happiness is meant to skip you by and you are meant for other things in life. Thats really hurtful. You really have nothing to be sad about, everyone that gets to met you, that you let see who you really are treasure that moment forever as I do!! I was in you love with you then, I still feel so much love for you now. It just sucks that you wont let yourself fly. Yu paid so much attention to me and I flew, imagine what happens to you when you just be yourself and let yourself fly. Imagine the joy you can feel but just being yourself. I dont want that to sound like a therapist talking or spiritual. I remember how people would turn and stare at you as you walked in a room, as though you had a light on inside you. You do, I see it, I trully do feel that I see you for who you really are, and that is because you and I are so a like. Now si a really good time, to stop feeling like if you are yourself people might not like you, trust me, the more you that you are the more people will like, and it was that way with me.

Its ok to feel scared, everyone is. And everyone has a pet fear, your is being rejected or not liked, you really dont need to feel like that, anytime you do just remember how amazing you trully are and yor wonderful gifts. A gift we often forget about is the one that allows us to take another breath, as long as we dont take that for granted and as long as you have clean water and some food the rest of our life is just filled with stuff. Stuff that we dont need, because living is about breathing, drinking, and eating ahhaha. Are you crying or have you cried yet? I hope so, I really hope this motivates you. I really hope you to see with your eyes wide open. Why do you think you are afraid of being rejected? Its the same reasons everyone else will give. Your so special you dont need to be. Why are you so scared of rejection? You shouldn't be look at what the other person will be missing out on!!! Trust me its a lot!!!! I miss it!!!!! You need to forget all the bullshit and start loving yourself, then the real beauty of yourself will come forward and everyone will be abel to see what you and I know is already there. Be yourself if someone doesn't like you, forge them, there are plenty of other people that would love you for who you are. Make friends with real people. Others just create anchors and make certain that you lose your path in life. Something you are happy abotu I am sure :) Take the time to think about what it is in life you truly want no matter how simple or farcical it may sound and give yourself the support and encouragement to chase those dreams, it really will be worth it when you are at the other side of yourself! Stop dating bad guys, you know you just do it because you think you are not worthy of anyones love, i hope you can see how wrong you are about that!!! I almost have RSI :P When things get scary, try and understand it to be a good thing, we can only grow and change if things get a little more extreme than normal. Sometimes to go forward we have to get rid of what is in our past, revenge, forgive, or forget, or what ever it takes to put the past in the past and just ge ton with the fun of living. It truly is your life and you can make it as warm and as loving and giving and receiving as you want!! Whatever your indiscretions in life has been it doenst matter, we all have them, just pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep moving, making your life whole with lots of love!

I wish things ended differently for us, I knew you were trying to push me away and still I wasnt strong enough to stand up to you and say no, I live with that regret everyday. Sometimes I am too respectful and that is one of my down comings. I am trying to get better at that.

BASICALLY YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you can start paying yourself back for that, YOU REALLY DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE YUR LIFE TO THE FULL!!!!!!!!

ALL MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!,
******** XOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXXXXX

Just for the record I am VERY PROUD of 'him', who he is as a man and where he is in his life, I guess we don't have alot of contact so I hope that he does know that.

In the meantime I have a couple of very important posts with corresponding documentation that I need to post in the next few days, as soon as I can manage. It takes quite alot for me to be able to write at the moment.

Just a girl, hoping for some decent sleep.