Okay... second post. Ive emailed a friend the link to ask her if she can check to see if it is actually anonymous, like can she work out or see my full name or email address from just looking at the blog. I would like this to be semi-anonymous right now, anyone who knows me will be able to tell it's me from what I write, and maybe at some point I'll let go of that anonymity... got some stuff to write about that, but that is not what I really want to say right now.
So if you've read my first post you'll now know I have PTSD, or Chronic PTSD, or am a survivour of sexual trauma, or an ACC sensitive claim 'customer', or just a girl in the world with many possible boxes to fit into.... or a 30 year old woman who most nights has nightmares reliving different elements of that trauma.
PLEASE NOTE THAT I DONT WISH TO TRIGGER OR OFFEND OR DISTURB ANYONE...so read on now if you wish taking that into account.
(phew...just had to take 15mins out...anxiety got a bit much, harder to write about stuff for me sometimes than to just do whatever I need to do to get further away from 'the content' below... so I shall continue...)
It's 4.30am in the morning, I have been awake now for probably about 45 minutes. My norm of late (for the last 6-12 months) is to be woken from a nightmare sometime between 1.30am-4am. I have been having my nightmares or bad dreams or whatever they are for alot longer than that, many years (once again another post if i get the chance, will talk about it). So I have these dreams. 95% of the dreams that I have involve some part of one of the sexual tramas (I still even struggle with the word 'rape', how's that for shame?), sometimes it is an accurate unaltered replay, sometimes it is portions of it mixed in with elements, situations, people or locations from other parts of my life, sometimes it's mixed in with other current things going on for me, people I've seen (the most upsetting off this recently has been my brother in them, I love him dearly and sometimes after I hang out with him for the day he will be in one my dreams as a witness).
I want to write down what happens in those dreams, hence the warning higher up in this post. Not to shock, or draw attention, but to provide some understanding, not only what it is like for me but as a voice of what I am sure some other survivours of this kind of trauma have been through. But it is so graphic and full on that I am having second thoughts about writing it right now... just because of the level of anxiety that hasnt shifted since I woke.
When I wake up I am terrified, often crying, with an adrenaline rush, like that fight, flight or freeze thing going on. Mostly for me waking from my nightmares it has always been freeze. It could used to take me up to an hour to be able to move, terrified to even make any noise breathing or even shift a muscle. It's hard to explain but it's like the real, logical world, the voice of reason in my head sometimes takes awhile to filter through enough to override the fear and be able to move. The intensity of it is totally illogicial and not only often doesn't make sense during the daytime, but I also can't understand how real the fear always feels. I would repeat to myself a mantra once I could when I woke up at night, there's no-one there, just turn on the light, just reach up and flick the switch, it's ok, there's no one there...sometimes it takes awhile.
These days though I sleep with all the lights in the house on, about 6 or so months ago I decided to take a new tactic (many different tactics over the years, maybe will discuss later)... instead of trying to have a 'normal' nights sleep every night, to for the meantime adapt around my nightmares. Hopefully not a permanent adaptation, but with the first time ever getting a couple of months up not self-harming the nightmares seemed even worse, it was like I had taken something away that took the edge off them. So the last few months I sleep with all the lights on in the house. My goal when I wake is to move as far from the fear/anxiety/emotion/memory of the nightmare as quickly as possible. So having all the lights on helps. Means I dont have as much of the 'freeze' stuff going on as long... the downside of this has been my increased powerbill on a low income. It also means having a routine as soon as I wake. As soon as I am able I get out of bed and make a couple of tea. This has two benefits, it gives me something to focus on to pull me away from the event I've just re-experienced, and also prevents me from drifting off again...in the past ive had a 50/50 chance of eventually falling back to sleep without waking up properly, often I am so overtired because of this cycle that it happens... then the nightmare of the evening either repeats itself, or worse starts up whereever it left off. In the past I have been so sleep deprived that once I manage to get to sleep and I wake from a nightmare, I know that I can't wake up properly, and I know that it will keep going once I fall asleep and I am scared but drift back into it anyway... the most that this has happened for me in one night is 5 times, 5 installments of the same event, the scariest thing is each time I blearerly wake I know what is going to be the next installment because it has all happened before.
Wow, I have written alot again, but there is so much more I feel I need to get down. Part of the reason that I dont talk about this stuff with people is the shame, shame that if they know the full story of what a 24 hour day is like that they will know the things that happened to me. Shame and fear of being judged, for what happened, and how my life is like now. Who wants to be thought of as disfuntional? Who wants people to know that you have been violated in the most intimate tragic way? Not me, not really, not right now.
Once again at this time I am writing, recording parts of my life, story and experience so maybe it might encourage further understanding, less negative stigma, removal of social taboo's that exist in owning up to this sort of thing personally...all of which are helping to contribute to the current government slide new ACC changes and guidelines through parliment, into effect... and put my future recovery and possibly my life in jepordy.
Phew, again.... will write more when I can.
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