It's about 12.30, in the middle of the night. I have my ACC data tomorrow and I have just been self-harming, cutting for an hour or so. This is old stuff for me... as you would see if you have read previous post you will see if has been months, the longest ever since I've used this unhopeful coping stratagy. It's a long developed bordorline trait, it took me so long to even seek help, to name what happened to me, that there were many life-saving, but negitive coping stragies I had developed. It now feels that I am regressing with this ACC stuff going on, Every day, every media release, every time I find out something involving my care that is not coming from a caring place, everytime ACC fails to inform me of what's going on, and the more concrete it is that ACC is going to write of the (transparently financially motivated) changes to my care on judging me, what happened to me and there expert opinion on how it is for me today and what I need. I think the outcomes and the potentional level of invalidation scared the shit out of me.
Anyway, this is a brief note about me going to bed. I have to triple check the locks everywhere, the bars on the windows, let all the lights on in the house, sleep with a hammer under one pillow and my mobile with 111 pre-programed in hidden under the other pillow. I have a dog that sleeps in my room. And I still get scared, sometimes to scared to go to sleep (what happens if I am asleep and something happens and because I am asleep I cannot save myself?)... and then knowing how tired I am, how much even getting a little bit of sleep can make all kinds of things in life easier (like choosing toast or cereal in the morning), but also knowing that whether it is one hour or four hours it will end with me having a bad dream and being raped all over again, oftne waking up crying, my pillow damp with tears, screaming (my last relationship destroyed by stuff relating to this issue)....
However I know (and I mean I know) that if someone decides to do something to me, if that bad luck comes my way again, is there really anything I can do to stop it?
When children are little they are told that there are no such things as ghosts and that the mosters in the closet dont exist. Other's that have experienced similar things to what I have, and therefore qualify for a sensitive claim, can't ressure themselves... hang on I should speak from the I....I cant always reassure myself that something bad and scary isnt going to happen. Cause those things do happen. And at the end of the day that is something that I live with everyday. Not being able to reassure myself totally and so it pops up in my head at all kinds of times. Then often there can be domino effect of irrational fear.
God, this all feels so shameful to own.
I do the positive stuff... maybe I will write a list of all the years of positive hard work I have tackled and achieved.... maybe that would be good for me right now...
I got an ACC data tomorrow, and I dont feel safe about it.
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