It's been over a week since I've had my data, and today was the last of my '5 approved' ACC subsidised therapy sessions. I haven't been able to do any writing because of the shock/denial/disassociation/detachment/fear... the only thing keeping me going right now is the anger...but I don't know if I have enough anger inside me to match the enormity of what ACC has done to my life over the last few weeks. I am sad about how much progress that I had made seems to be unreachable. I am sad that I am not yet strong enough to deal with this kind of thing and have started cutting to try and deal with the fear. I am sad that it's 1.30am in the morning and I am too scared to go to bed because of the nightmares that I will have, and I am really pissed off that I haven't been able to do any work around my trauma or the ongoing effects for over a month now in therapy, because of the amount of curve balls being lobbed by ACC... or the National Government.
I am determind to keep documenting my journey with this. Whether no one ends up reading it and it is just to get some of the words down or whether (my biggest fear) is that for some reason I am no longer able to voice what has happened and what is happening.
Will write more soon. Have had no word on the results of the data, my care or approved sessions, no replies from emails sent to ACC from both myself and my therapist...and my therapist told me that she phoned my Case Manager and got put through to her voicemail with the voicemail instructions to not leave a message, that she would be out of the office for at least a week, and to try and phone back and ask to speak with someone.
Got to stop writing. But have alot more to say.
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