12:10

I was having this nightmare, I had moved into this flat in a very tall building during the day, it was a Saturday. The Couple that I didn't know, who had just moved out were there in the kitchen giving me the keys, and as they were leaving told me that the fire alarm was just behind the refrigerator, I had a look and it was one of those big square red ones, with the glass that you break and the switch to hit.
Then all of a sudden I was getting into bed in this new bedroom and it was night, and dark, without a light on, but not so dark that you couldn't see - because as I was getting into bed I realised that opposite the door to the bedroom which the foot of the bed was facing, was a door with the top half of glass but still with a wood frame, like those back-door's to house's that you see - except all the glass was gone, so it was just a gap, and this door went into the flat next door. And in there were 2 of the men that raped me. And the light was shining while they came into my bed so as I looked down I could see what they were doing to me, but most of the time I tried to look at the wall, because. After awhile I was arching my body in pain with my head right back so I could see the wall upside-down behind the head of the bed, and I could see a light switch there, and I reached up and flicked the switch.

So I flicked the switch and it was 12:10am. I have a light switch on the wall above the head of my bed. I often wake my self up with sound or movements, such as screaming. But I've never done something like that before in one of my nightmares where something that is very outside myself in the real world is simultaneously in my dream and I use it obviously at the same time.

It may not seem like much for someone reading this, but apart from the obvious feelings that I have after waking up from dreaming about being raped, there are other feelings or thoughts that disturb me about how the darkness that invades my dreams brings in the present... in the middle of the night, like now, it sometimes feels like there is some dark force that is doing this to make sure that it keeps the fear fresh. I'm sure in the light of day I don't normally let myself remember something like that and if I needed to could find a simple psychological explanation that evades me right now.

I finished watching Project Runway tonight and took my pills and got straight into bed. I think like 10.30pm maybe? Then I would have read for between 20-60mins (part of the joy of meds is slightly blurry memory around that time, which is part of the point to help someone with my anxiety sleep, but I can also get panicky that if 'something' happens at that time I may not be with it enough to react fast enough and save myself - my nighttime irrational thinking that I guess I can really connect with right now!) Anyway... so max an hour and half sleep. And then in my nightmare/real-life I hit the light switch above my bed, was instantly awake with the light and movement, and looked over to see Molly blinking with a whats-going-on-now look on her face. (In case anyone has actually read in my blog before that I sleep with the lights on, I sleep with all the lights on apart from the one in my bedroom most of the time, there is light comes through the bedroom door obviously and there is also a small window between my bedroom and the bathroom on the other side, so light through there too... I do try to give it a go most nights with the bedroom light off as I find that even though the light helps with the fear somewhat, there is still some human need inside that craves some lack of glare and bright lights to fully rest)

So I thought I'd get up to write it down. Maybe that way in an hour or so I won't feel it so much. On Monday night my dream was getting raped in the caravan by C.S and my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist were there sitting in big black deck chairs. I didn't go to sleep again until it was light.

I think I'll give the posting a video blog another go, I did actually try earlier tonight, the clip was about 20 mins, and after 2 hours it was only 20% uploaded, so I abandoned it. I think that for anything longer than a few minutes I might need to see if I can find an internet cafe close by and see if it's any faster, and also I can't afford any more broadband usage than I've already got...

Going to make a second cup of tea and just sit on the couch for awhile and try and tell myself that it's ok. I'm doing my best to push back the tears and feelings and to try and think about something else, but it's hard.