Dark Times

I know I haven't had this site activated in awhile, and it's been a dark few months.
I disabled my blog from being accessible because of how suicidal I was feeling, and was worried about my judgement with what I might write. I am not filled with extreme certainty about all that yet, but in light of the recent Earthquake in Christchurch have decided again it's in some way important for me to document this, hopefully 'this' will end up being my journey of recovery!

If you would like to help Christchurch during this testing time you can click on the following to take you to online pages to donate:
- RNZSPCA Canterbury Earthquake Appeal (Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)
- Women's Refuge - Quake News & Canterbury Earthquake Donation Info
- New Zealand Red Cross - 2011 Earthquake Appeal
- Salvation Army New Zealand - Canterbury Earthquake Appeal

So there is a bit to catch up on, and over the next few weeks I will be posting the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of documentation, and finally feel a bit more competent about scanning and uploading on here, so it's easier now.

I'm not sure where to start with having such a big gap, so to start out with something easy for me, here is an email that I sent on the 30 November 2010 at about 3am in the morning to my treatment providers, hopefully will begin to convey how it's been for me during the last while.

"Hi, I've just been on the phone to the Crisis Team Line. I tried to ring Lifeline first, but got the message thing after a few rings that all their staff were busy, and I was shaking so bad and felt so scared about what had happened that I rung the Crisis Team message service to phone me.

I took my meds at about 12.45 as I was getting into bed, it is a bit later than usual, but I was finishing watching a movie. I took my mitazapine and one zoplicone and one nitrazepam. I woke up from one of my nightmares, and was in that state where I feel frozen with fear and it seems to take some time and a lot of will to move my body, I've no idea whether it was 30 seconds or 10 mins that it took me to reach up to turn on the light switch above the bed, but it felt very difficult.

I saw [therapist's name] yesterday, and filled him as best as possible about how I've spoken to the Police now on more than one occasion about this guy that has been harassing me and that with the Police's support am getting a restraining order against with a Lawyer's help.

So, I managed to turn on the light switch, and even though I had the 'shot' of fear from the nightmare, because of being so tired, but also cause of my meds probably I was having trouble keeping my eyes open...I sleep with all the other lights in the house on except for my bedroom one, but then I had just turned this on. Through 3/4 closed lids I looked up at the ceiling and could see this crack in the ceiling probably about 30cms long, very narrow, but maybe from the angle from the light from the lightbulb I could see an eye and the shadow of this guy (that has been hassling me) looking down at me. Even though I'd had a jolt of fear from the nightmare, that was nothing, I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so hard. I slowly closed my eyelids rolling my head to the side and 'stretching' so that one my hands ended up under my pillow where my mobile phone was. I then lay very very still. I without moving anything 'visible' dialed 111 on my mobile... I actually thought maybe I should text like *****, Mum + 8 other's I can think of, call 111 there is that guy in the ceiling - but decided I should ring them, and move as quickly as possible into the bathroom and shut the door once they had answered and I had to talk. Then I thought, can he get me through the roof in the bathroom, and I thought, I thought there was no space in my roof and that the surface is plastered over with no cracks...so then I thought, Danielle, just roll over casually, not looking directly up but just a tiny look to see if there is a crack.
There was no crack at all in the ceiling.
I was laying in bed with the light on and my hand under the pillow with 111 dialed and my thumb on the 'call' button, but not pushed.

I had just got off the phone with the crisis team as I said, just before I started writing this email. After I had done my 2nd slow peek at the ceiling and seen absolutely no cracks in it anywhere I looked at the clock and it was 2.36am.

I have really bad nightmares as you know. But this was something that I haven't experienced before and it's scared the crap out of me and I don't quite understand. I am very shaken that in the middle of provable experiences, the turning on the lightswitch (cause the light was on) and dialing the mobile (cause the numbers were there when I looked back) - that I saw something that was not real. It wasn't like a nightmare where it can be so lifelike that sometimes for hours and hours I can be 'having' emotions and physical stuff like tight chest, racing heart etc from it. It was something different - something that I worked out the second time I looked that what I saw the first time was not right/correct/real (not sure how to describe???), but only because of the second time being different, not because the first seemed any less real. it's only a bit over 3 hours ago that I took my meds so know that even though my heart is still racing I am a bit groggy at the moment.

I am way too scared after this to go back to bed at all, which I've got some stuff 'planned' in case I am awake at night to try and distract myself. But thought I'd email the both of you now, I see [therapist's name]again next Tues - but I'd really like a 5min chat with one of you before the weekend if that worked and was possible, to help me understand, cause I'm sure it will probably ease, but I am really freaked out right now.

Will try and go back to sleep when it starts getting light, around 6am I think, but will be home for most of today I think (brain a bit mush)... think I've sorted out the problem with my telecom mobile so both landline and mobile are working now [psychiatrist's name]. And as soon as I am awake I will turn the volume on on my phones, I don't have voicemail on either, so if you are trying to phone and can't get me just text or email as soon as I see it will try back.

Going to go and drink cups of tea and try not to think about it now.

Thanks, Danielle"

The next day I kindly got a reply from both my Psychiatrist & my Psychotherapist:

"Hi Danielle

What you are describing is what is called Hypnopompic Hallucinations – hallucinations occurring at the point of waking from sleep and which are gone when you are properly awake – and are probably the combined impact of the nightmares, the sleep disorder/difficulties you have, and possibly also the sleep meds. They do not mean you are going “crazy” or are “psychotic” OK, but what you do need to do is try not to fear them, and to when they happen remind yourself they are not real and will be gone nce you are properly awake.

If you google hypnogogic (which are on going to sleep) and hypnopompic (which are on waking) Hallucinations you will find info re them!

Hope that helps

Rgds’
[psychiatrist's name]"

AND

"Hi Danielle,

Sorry to hear of your awful night. I am in Wellington today, but would be available to talk tomorrow. Whilst this a "new" symptom, and clearly a very disturbing one, it is also not that surprising given recent circumstances. [psychiatrist's name] is probably better qualified to comment on that, but I will talk to you tomorrow.

Take care,
[psychotherapist's name]"

So I didn't think that my nightmare's could get any worse, but I've since been able to talk this over with both of these people, and it's probably happened a dozen times since then, I think last year with my nightmare's going from 3 or 4 nights a week before my therapy was stopped, to 2 or 3 times a night, 7 nights a week last year - I really started to become terrified of going to sleep, and even though I was taking medication and doing all the 'right' things, deep down I was just plain sick to death of the feeling of having to endure reliving sexual trauma every night.
I've found out a bit more about Hypnagogia and Hypnopompic - and from that first night that it happened have almost reassured myself that it's not that I'm totally losing my marbles or that I have a brain tumor, that considering my chronic PTSD and the culmination of lack of sleep, increased stress, and reduced support, that I guess in the light of day I can understand how it's happening. But towards the end of 2010 I went from suicidal thinking, to sorting out a plan and putting it into action. I was just so scared about what was happening and felt so alone with it. I made up some excuse and organised for someone to take my darling doggy, Molly, and even started packing up my house into boxes - to make 'thing's' easier for people dealing with everything after I was gone. I didn't get to writing a note, but had written out instructions to do with Molly's care & things like password info for bank accounts and that. I got to 'the date' in January, it was night-time. I had left 'it' till after Christmas & New Year because I didn't want to ruin that time for anyone. So on the night at the last minute I was crying and decided to phone the crisis-line. I actually ended up speaking to the same person that I had talked to the first night I 'saw' a man in my bedroom at night. A long story short, I made the decision that night to CHOOSE not to act out on those thoughts, that for the next few months that despite of what I may feel day-to-day I would just do whatever I could each day. Those feelings haven't totally gone away, but that night even though I totally felt like I didn't know how to live anymore, I also knew that I didn't truly want to die, I just didn't know what to do.

Anyway, there is a lot that has happened (and not happened!!) to do with my ACC Sensitive Claim, and with my recovery - so will update as and when I can. I feel a bit exhausted even writing this, think most of the way that I've ended up coping the last few months is by dissociating - kind of zoning out as much as possible, either by cleaning, gardening, reading, anything that involves not having to think about anything to do with me - either the night before, or years before. With still being clean and in recovery (damn it! 12-step meetings have TOTALLY ruined any power of alcohol or other drugs to numb my pain!) I've been trying my hardest not to self harm, aware of how well I'd done, before all the 'ACC Stress' in 2009 I had 3 months up of not self-harming - it's a memory that is hard to see clearly, but I know I did feel so proud of that, even if I can't remember how that feels right now.

I'm not sure I can overcome the damage that was done last year to an already festering wound, but JUST FOR TODAY I am doing my best.


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