Bad Thoughts

So a month or so ago together with my Psychiatrist I made the decision to increase my anti-depressants. It was a relatively new medication anyway, I had only been on a low dose for a couple of months. But I was still really struggling with getting enough sleep, both quality and quantity, due to my 'night-time anxiety' and also my nightmares often waking me up and making me fearful to go back to sleep. Also because of feelings and thoughts I was having. Even though I have a diagnosis of 'Depressive Dis-order' for me it has always been something that I suffer from as a magnification of outside events. So, if things are difficult, for example events beyond my control 'happening to me' or I am getting triggered alot about my trauma then I can get very down and overwhelmed. But for me Depression has never been something that has affected me when everything in my life is balanced and going well. It seems as though (and most Treatment Providers that have known me have said) that Depression for me is similar to Anxiety, another symptom of my PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). I know it might seem difficult to believe after alot I have written in this blog, but most people have only ever got to see the 'happy' Danielle, with only a very few that have seen me 'not well' or not doing-so-good.
So part of the feelings that I was struggling with a few weeks ago, was alot of suicidal thoughts. It was becoming a daily occurrence, and that was scaring me... luckily I have some skills to put into play when I start feeling this way, but it doesn't always make the thoughts totally go away. The biggest thing I know Is Too Just Hold On - Everything Changes Eventually, including the way I feel & if I am still here holding on when it changes then I'll get the chance to see that.

I don't know why these thoughts come sometimes and not others. There are a variety of emotions attached... shame, fear, anger, disgust...
Probably thanks to the increase in medication a few weeks ago it's been a few weeks since I started feeling this way.
But then yesterday it started. I spent about an hour last night trying to ring Lifeline but it just kept going to the recorded message that they didn't have anyone available and to phone back. It was almost midnight and I had tried phoning a couple of different people earlier, a family member and someone else. They didn't answer, I am not sure if they saw my number and didn't want to talk to me or not.

I found out last week that if you have a Review lodged with ACC over an issue, you can't take any Legal Action regarding it, it's one or the other. And neither is guaranteed obviously.
I have one thing now with ACC that I first put an Application through for in October 2008, it is still in review now, it's been almost 2 years and still no idea when it will be sorted.
And now I have to try and decide about trying to get a review on their bullshit decision regarding my treatment. Which mean that the small amount of treatment I've had and paid for by borrowing money left, right and center (thinking of course this will get sorted out and the ACC subsidised portion would be able to be paid back) is just forgotten about if I try for the review 'option', or going the Legal way, selling more stuff (clothes and book... bbq... tv) to be able to stand up for myself, and say, that's not ok how you've treated me.

At the beginning of this year I thought of a friend who had been involved (she had cancer) when patients, mainly women I think, were campaigning and asking for Herceptim to be provided or subsidised for the treatment of breast cancer. I actually knew two women who were diagnosed withen 24hours of each other, they subsequently went on to attend alot of their treatment together. BUT at the time, One of them had insurance, and One of them didn't. 'Had-insurance-woman' had her Heceptim paid for by the insurance company, she spent alot of time at home resting, eating Organic Food, playing video games, and watching movies. 'UN-Insured Woman' was constantly on the go, I think working still, she had alot of support but had to go far as fund-raising to get the treatment she needed to save her life. Thankfully through in part due to same brave Women standing up and speaking out, I believe that funding has changed somewhat, and the 'un-insured' are able to access this treatment.

But that's how it felt at the beginning of this year, I felt like I was standing in the eye of a hurricane watching everything tumble and spin around me, dangerous and out of control... and I thought this is how women must have felt when the were diagnosed with breast cancer and they new that they couldn't afford the treatment.

Just because PTSD is not something you can put under a microscope, it doesn't mean it isn't real. It's real for me and I hate what happened to me SO MUCH, and I wish I couldn't remember things that I can... and I wish my therapy would've been able to finish.

I've got know idea if the above will make sense, it either will or I'll look totally pathetic. I don't know any answers right now.