12:10

I was having this nightmare, I had moved into this flat in a very tall building during the day, it was a Saturday. The Couple that I didn't know, who had just moved out were there in the kitchen giving me the keys, and as they were leaving told me that the fire alarm was just behind the refrigerator, I had a look and it was one of those big square red ones, with the glass that you break and the switch to hit.
Then all of a sudden I was getting into bed in this new bedroom and it was night, and dark, without a light on, but not so dark that you couldn't see - because as I was getting into bed I realised that opposite the door to the bedroom which the foot of the bed was facing, was a door with the top half of glass but still with a wood frame, like those back-door's to house's that you see - except all the glass was gone, so it was just a gap, and this door went into the flat next door. And in there were 2 of the men that raped me. And the light was shining while they came into my bed so as I looked down I could see what they were doing to me, but most of the time I tried to look at the wall, because. After awhile I was arching my body in pain with my head right back so I could see the wall upside-down behind the head of the bed, and I could see a light switch there, and I reached up and flicked the switch.

So I flicked the switch and it was 12:10am. I have a light switch on the wall above the head of my bed. I often wake my self up with sound or movements, such as screaming. But I've never done something like that before in one of my nightmares where something that is very outside myself in the real world is simultaneously in my dream and I use it obviously at the same time.

It may not seem like much for someone reading this, but apart from the obvious feelings that I have after waking up from dreaming about being raped, there are other feelings or thoughts that disturb me about how the darkness that invades my dreams brings in the present... in the middle of the night, like now, it sometimes feels like there is some dark force that is doing this to make sure that it keeps the fear fresh. I'm sure in the light of day I don't normally let myself remember something like that and if I needed to could find a simple psychological explanation that evades me right now.

I finished watching Project Runway tonight and took my pills and got straight into bed. I think like 10.30pm maybe? Then I would have read for between 20-60mins (part of the joy of meds is slightly blurry memory around that time, which is part of the point to help someone with my anxiety sleep, but I can also get panicky that if 'something' happens at that time I may not be with it enough to react fast enough and save myself - my nighttime irrational thinking that I guess I can really connect with right now!) Anyway... so max an hour and half sleep. And then in my nightmare/real-life I hit the light switch above my bed, was instantly awake with the light and movement, and looked over to see Molly blinking with a whats-going-on-now look on her face. (In case anyone has actually read in my blog before that I sleep with the lights on, I sleep with all the lights on apart from the one in my bedroom most of the time, there is light comes through the bedroom door obviously and there is also a small window between my bedroom and the bathroom on the other side, so light through there too... I do try to give it a go most nights with the bedroom light off as I find that even though the light helps with the fear somewhat, there is still some human need inside that craves some lack of glare and bright lights to fully rest)

So I thought I'd get up to write it down. Maybe that way in an hour or so I won't feel it so much. On Monday night my dream was getting raped in the caravan by C.S and my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist were there sitting in big black deck chairs. I didn't go to sleep again until it was light.

I think I'll give the posting a video blog another go, I did actually try earlier tonight, the clip was about 20 mins, and after 2 hours it was only 20% uploaded, so I abandoned it. I think that for anything longer than a few minutes I might need to see if I can find an internet cafe close by and see if it's any faster, and also I can't afford any more broadband usage than I've already got...

Going to make a second cup of tea and just sit on the couch for awhile and try and tell myself that it's ok. I'm doing my best to push back the tears and feelings and to try and think about something else, but it's hard.

Sensitive Claim Call Centre Treats Me Like Crap

I am so angry and so scared that I feel like imploding, or jumping in front of a bus. Ahhhhhh!!! I am very determinedly not cutting, but gawd this is hard.

I just got off the phone from Shonsi at the ACC Sensitive Claims Call Centre, she told me her Manager is Stacy Green but that I couldn't speak to her. Just the way she was speaking to me was awful. Like I am a piece of gum on someone's shoe. All I was asking for was for the decision they were making (the opposite of the decision I was told from the same call centre on October 7th, something Shonsi acknowledged) if I could have it in writing explaining it for me. It is really hard when someone is being rude and talking down to me on the phone to understand what is going on, that is why I asked for it in writing. She just said flat out no. I said isn't it my right to be able to request the decision in writing, she just said no. I don't want to get into the details right now cause I feel like putting my head through the window, but on October 7th I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims, was conveyed some information and told that a letter regarding this would be posted out and I would receive it in the next week. So today on the phone she at first she said that isn't what you were told, and I told her to have a look at the notes from that phone call and tell me exactly what then we were apparently speaking about, because there had been only one subject discussed concluding with me being told to wait for the mail. Eventually once I'd said this and she checked the notes, then she said 'oh this person had made a mistake then'. I said that I'd been checking the mailbox everyday, and were they going to notify me at any point that there had been a mistake made, she just said no.

I am sooooooooooooooooo sick of being treated like trash. I hate this so much.

It ended with me pleading to please have anything relating to and explaining this new decision, change of mind etc in writing so that I could understand what was going on. She just said no, I wish I had a recording of the conversation so I could post it here, so it would be possible to hear the contempt in her voice when she was saying it, NO.