The Latest with My ACC In-Sensitive Claim

In case it isn't possible to read the scanned copy of letter:

"31 August 2010
Danielle Martin
**********
**********
**********
****

Dear Ms Martin

We're sorry, we can't fund any further treatment
Ms Danielle Martin DOB:**/**/****

Your treatment provider ***** ***** has applied to ACC on your behalf for help with the cost of your treatment. Decisions regarding treatment requests are made on an individual basis and after careful consideration of the information we hold, we're sorry to say your application has not been approved.

Why we can't approve your application
We're unable to approve your application because the available information suggests that while treatment may be recommended for your current condition, that condition is not related to the injury you sustained on 05/10/2000.

ACC believes you currently require treatment that would be best met at Segar House. The programme at Segar House will provide you with a safe and therapeutic environment that is targeted to your current presentation. The level of treatment required would not be ment in one on one counselling sessions and therefore treatment through Segar House is more appropriate at this time. This has been discussed extensively with your treating psychiatrist Dr ***** and counsellor ***** *****. A referral was to be made by Dr ***** through the DHB to Segar House for more intensive therapeutic treatment, which ACC understands you have declined.

ACC is mandated to provide and fund treatment that is appropriate and necessary and at the quality required for the purposes of restoring your health to the maximum extent practicable. Until treatment at Segar House is successfully completed, ACC is not able to provide any further treatment for your covered mental injuries of Depressive Disorder and PTSD.

What happens now
We've written to your ***** ***** with our decision and we suggest that you discuss your treatment needs with them. If you have further written medical information in support of this application we may be able to reconsider our decision.

We're happy to answer your questions
Please call us on 0800 101 996 if you would like to talk about this decision. We'll be happy to answer any questions, if you have any concerns, work with you to resolve these.

If you're still not happy, the enclosed information sheet, Working Together, tells you about the different options we offer, including independent reviews. For reviews, you need to apply in writing within 3 months of our decision. Later applications may be accepted if factors ourside your control stopped you from applying in time.

Yours sincerely
Michelle Wogan
Case Manager
Telephone: 0800 735566"

A REPORT FROM MY PSYCHATRIST, THE 'DR' REFERRED TO IN THE LETTER FROM ONE OF MY LAST ACC SUBSIDISED SESSIONS:

"02 Dec 2009

Ms Selena Dominguez
Case Manager, ACC
via email

cc:
Dr * ******

Dear Selena

Re: Ms Danielle Martin
**********
**********
**********

Danielle was seen today for review. Please find following, details of the consultation, and please note myt recommendations re ongoing therapy, and request for approval of a small number of follow-up sychiatric reviews over the coming 6-9 months.

Date of session: 2 December 2009
Session type: Psychiatric
Goals for session: Review progress and plan

Updated History
Danielle has come through the stress of the need to terminate with her therapist, in terms of no suicidal thinking for the past week and no further self-harming behaviour. However she cannot contemplate having to engage with another therapist, and having prior to this felt she was making significant progress finally and could start to have hope for the future, is now feeling that the "rug has been pulled from under her yet again...", and is struggling to retain hope that she will recover over time.

Danielle remains needing large doses of hypnosedatives to get at least a minimal nights sleep (3-4 hrs), and with nightly re-experiencing of past rape via very distressing nightmares. She is aware that when she is ready/able to cope with it, that EMDR treatment does at least offer the chance of relief of these more acute PTSD symptoms.

A long session was spent today processing a range of issues related to the recent events incl the ACC/funding issues, reviewing current treatment, and also me giving my recommendations re "where to from here" in terms of what is ideal separate from any funding constraints. My recommendations, based on consideration of Danielle's issues and my understanding of her developed over the months I have known her, and developed with condieration of her own wishes but certainly not based on what she wants, are:

i) That 4-8 weekly psychiatric overview continue for at least the next 6-9 mths, and that we look to progress a trial of stopping **********(medication) and commencing **********(medication).

ii) That Danielle has made progress in therapy since her psychiatric conditions were better treated, and that disrupting this therapy in her case is not in my opinion in her best interests currently - that the present therapy arrangements should continue.

iii) That I will communicate my opinion as above to Danielle's ACC case manager.

iv) That we review her readiness to engage in a period of EMDR over time with a view to successfully undetaking this treatment at some point within the next 6-9 mths.

v) That supporting Danielle towards greater independance is key to her ongoing recovery; she has made steady progress in this regard over the past 12 months.

Medications
02-Dec-2009 ********** 37.5Mg Modified Release Cap
SIGS : use to reduce and stop ********** QTY: 30

02-Dec-2009 ********** 75Mg Modified Release Cap
SIGS : 1 nocte QTY: 30

02-Dec-2009 ********** 5Mg Tab
SIGS : 1-2 nocte QTY: 45

02-Dec-2009 ********** 7.5Mg Tab
SIGS : 1-2 nocte QTY: 45


Yours sincerely


Dr ***** *****"

Just a girl, drowning ♥

Parliament Q&A on ACC (17/08/10) & Denise Cosgrove has a Laugh

I know that Annalise has covered this already in her excellent blog The Swamp Report, with not only the text but also the video available to watch. I don't have sound on my old clunker of a laptop, but I get the daily 'Posting to Parliament Wire of Scoop' from scoop.co.nz (very handy, can just organise quite simply on their site a whole range of things to be sent to your email daily or weekly), so basically I get the daily Questions & Answers from Parliament in my email inbox within 24hrs of them sitting. It's good for me because I'm not always up to going online every day, and I believe that WE have the right AND should take advantage of that right to know exactly What Is Going On In Parliamentary Sessions.
So the below is quoted from the Scoop Q&A Email I received, it refers to number 3 of the 12 questions in the house that day, the 17 August 2010

Accident Compensation—Sensitive Claims and Sexual Abuse Victims

3. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Does he stand by his statement on Radio New Zealand’s Checkpoint programme of 12 August 2010 “I’m not satisfied that ACC has handled the issue of counselling services for sensitive claims that well. I’m going to await the final report from the independent clinical panel before drawing final conclusions.”; if so, why?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Yes, I do. I have been consistently cautious about interfering in the clinical decisions of the Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) in this sensitive area. But given the level of concern from colleagues and the
public I have established an independent clinical panel to review the corporation’s approach. That panel is doing a very professional and thorough job.

Hon Annette King: Does he now accept that he was warned by clinicians, by survivors, by he National Council of Women, and by 3,976 people who, last October, signed a petition that stated: “By doing nothing and allowing these changes to occur unhindered you are choosing to make recovery from horrific abuse harder for some
of the most vulnerable members of this society.”?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I draw the member’s attention to the advice from the Royal New Zealand Colleague of General Practitioners, and I quote what it said in November last year: “All the clinical evidence suggests that the new approach ACC is adopting will
be in the best interests of the patient”. Given that sort of advice I have been cautious about getting involved in a clinical debate where I am not well qualified, but in response to the concerns of colleagues like Chester Borrows, Jackie Blue, and
Nikki Kaye, I have set up an independent clinical panel and I will be ensuring that the advice of that panel is taken by the ACC to ensure that we are providing proper care for people who are sexually abused.

Hon Annette King: Did the ACC advise him that the process to change the clinical framework or clinical pathway was started under a Labour Government as he has claimed many times; if so, when?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, that is the advice I have received. There was concern in the research that was commissioned in 2003, at Massey University, by the previous Government. The key element—and I am not an expert on the clinical issues—is that the clinical concern in that research was that unlimited counselling would do more harm than good for sensitive claimants. I am advised by the ACC that the changes in the pathway were begun in 2008.

Michael Woodhouse: What steps has the Minister taken to try to have the issues over sensitive claims addressed as quickly as possible?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The independent clinical panel wrote to me on 16 July seeking an extension of time until September to enable it to provide a comprehensive report. My concern was that this delay would put back the addressing of the problems in relation
to providing for sensitive and vulnerable claimants. I agreed to the extension until mid-September subject to the panel providing interim recommendations. On receiving those recommendations I immediately wrote to the ACC board seeking their implementation as quickly as possible, which the board has done.

Hon Annette King: In light of the Minister’s answer to my previous question, is he saying that the ACC was not telling the truth when less than 1 month ago, in answer to an official information request, it said: “No work was undertaken on either the clinical framework or the clinical pathway prior to 2009”, and when it also said that the clinical framework was developed by the clinical services directorate in 2009, long after a Labour Government had left?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand—[Interruption]

Mr SPEAKER: I apologise to the Minister. I believe that the member has asked a serious question, and the member’s colleagues should listen to the answer.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand by the advice I have been given by the ACC, which is that the work on the clinical pathways began in 2008, prior to the change of Government, as those documents make plain. Labour has tried to politicise this issue, but the
changes in sensitive claims have been totally driven by the ACC’s clinicians, not by Ministers. They have not been driven by Cabinet but by clinicians trying to do their very best for sensitive claimants.

Hon Annette King: I seek leave to table a document from the ACC, dated 30 July 2010, that points out that no work was done on the clinical framework or clinical pathway prior to 2009.

Mr SPEAKER: Leave is sought to table that document. Is there any objection? There is no objection. Document, by leave, laid on the Table of the House.

Hon Annette King: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. The Minister said that he had quoted from official documents from the ACC. I ask that he table them.

Mr SPEAKER: No, I do not believe that the Minister had an official document in his hand when he was answering that question.

Michael Woodhouse: What were underlying concerns that the ACC had that led to the changes, and has the Minister received any advice on whether those concerns were valid?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The concern that the corporation’s clinicians had, backed up by comprehensive research, was that ongoing unlimited counselling of victims of sexual abuse could lead to more harm than good. The clinical panel has confirmed the validity of this research and the need for professional oversight by psychiatrists
and psychologists to ensure that long-term counselling is both beneficial and appropriate. I am advised by the clinical panel that where the corporation erred was in requiring such an assessment for all claimants when insufficient professional support was not available, resulting in unacceptable delays in providing care. I am confident that with the support and advice of the independent clinical panel we can improve the support provided for sensitive claimants.

Craig Foss: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. During that exchange, and prior to it, the member Darren Hughes questioned whether the Minister was telling the truth, quite a few times. Members cannot do that; all members are honourable. I ask that
the member reflect on that and withdraw.

Mr SPEAKER: The member has taken offence, and, strictly, the member should not imply—

Hon Darren Hughes: I was very careful in what I said, Mr Speaker. I—

Mr SPEAKER: The member will not repeat what he said. I heard very clearly what the member said. Another member has taken offence. A member should not imply that another member is not telling the truth. I ask the Hon Darren Hughes to stand, withdraw, and
apologise.

Hon Darren Hughes: I withdraw and apologise.

Mr SPEAKER: Lynne Pillay; a supplementary question. [Interruption]
I say to the Labour front bench that I have called one of their colleagues. I expect them to show some courtesy to their own colleague.

Lynne Pillay: Will the Minister now require the ACC to identify the estimated 2,000 people who were unable to participate in his Government’s accident compensation process because it was too traumatic; and will he offer them counselling?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: As of Monday the corporation is offering 16 counselling sessions for those people who seek the services of counsellors. The corporation will work through a final solution when the full report is available from the independent clinical panel. I point out to the members opposite who are interjecting
that way in excess of 2,000 accident compensation claimants were turned down for counselling during the time of the previous Government. In fact, when Labour was in Government, half of those who sought counselling were turned down.

Hon Annette King: When the Minister said in the Nelson Mail last week that “Some days I’m in politics and I think ‘What the hell am I doing?’.”, will he now accept that the victims of his bungled policy are asking the same question?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: It is a pity that the member chooses to selectively quote. The overwhelming point I would make—[Interruption] Well, the comment was made in reference to visiting an oil rig in Tasman Bay, and I am not sure that that is particularly relevant to the issue of sensitive claims. Members opposite have attempted to play politics with this highly sensitive issue. [Interruption]
They have—they have played it for all it is worth, when all the papers show that this issue is, in essence, a clinical issue in which neither I as Minister nor the board, for that matter, has made substantive decisions.

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1008/S00258/questions-and-answers-17-august-2010.htm

I am posting this to allow anyone reading my blog to be able to stay informed. I know I have one very loyal 'blog supporter' (Ringonz/Chris, thanks for your comments, at the very least it's nice sometimes to know that at least one person is reading this), and I know there are others who have kindly lent their supportive comments when possible.

With regard to the above I think I am almost too tired to have an opinion, but go Annette King! Right?! As I've said before I'm not out to vilify ACC or any particular individuals but in the 're-structuring' of a kind, fair, viable and functional Unit or Service to provide the financial assistance for Survivors of Rape, Sexual Abuse and Assault, with the amount of damage that has been done over the last 10 months, the amount of (needless) pain and suffering that has been caused directly by ACC's (and not just the organisation, INDIVIDUALS who have made choices within that organisation) actions; there is going to need to be some acceptance and accountability for wounds to be soothed. Trust me, by this point, I know that just because I am saying (and am probably right) that it should happen, that it will have any chance of ACTUALLY occurring. It sounds cliche (cause it is), but What Is The World Coming To, or What Have We Come To In NZ with ALL of this.

Some of you either through twitter or not, may know I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was trying to go through ACC documents (I have probably about 10inchs of A4 documents) and was trying to write a 'Solution-Focused' Letter, I had written half a page and was re-reading ACC Communication to me and about me, and I decided that I would like to speak to Denise Cosgrove, just for 5 minutes, with my proposed solutions. I thought that since SHE had chosen to involve herself in my claim that by rights I could request just a couple of minutes of her time. I was very calm at this stage.
Anyway, 2 hours and many phone calls later, it was obvious that Ms Cosgrove was never going to speak to me. By this stage I had progressed far past calm to very very upset. The kick in the teeth was when I discovered after an hour or so transferred around the Sensitive Claims Unit was that Denise works in the 'Corporate Office', the number of which is on ACC's 'Contact Us By Phone Page', so I rang that number and it was answered by a woman called Natalie or something like that. I asked to speak to Denise and she said that she could put me through to Eleni Simons, PA to GM Claims Management, ACC (Denise's Assistant?), so she put me through.
At this point it was one those surreal moments, it picked up straight away and I could hear a woman speaking, but it was like when someone's mobile phone rings you from their bag and you can hear them speaking but from a distance. She obviously had no idea that I was connected there, listening to her speaking to someone. She was saying

"yeah I know, it's the second client that's tried to get through here today so I'm just not going to take any calls at all"

then there was a pause as she was listening to someone else speak I guess, and THEN I HEARD HER SAY,

"oh yeah, well I'm definitely not talking to THEM" and then she laughed.

I'm sitting on the end of the phone just wanting 2 minutes of this person's time, calm, but with tears streaming down my face, and then when I heard that I lost it. It was at that point I heard the clunking noise of a receiver being replaced and then I was cut off. Even though I was hysterically upset I phoned back, just to see if it was true what I had overheard her saying, and was told by the person answering the phone that there was no way Eleni or Denise would speak to me.

So yesterday turned out to be a write-off, a nightmare for me, I ended up letting myself down by self-harming, and in the grips of my PTSD could not see why there was any point in my life.
Today I am just holding on for a bit. I must resemble something from 'One flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest', and I might be a little nuts, but I AM NOT CRAZY.
I can't believe she laughed.

ACC ignores me, again, i just don't matter.

This is an email that I sent to the following Staff Members at ACC on Wednesday 11th August. It is now Saturday and I have had no response, acknowledgement, or anything in anyway in reply, let alone an actual answer to my question. I'm not even worth an acknowledgement.

Subject: Urgent Question regarding recent Press Release
T0:Selena Dominguez selena.dominguez@acc.co.nz; Rachael Stephenson rachael.stephenson@acc.co.nz; Jen Lofthouse jen.lofthouse@acc.co.nz; Michelle Wogen michelle.wogan@acc.co.nz

Dear Jen,

I understand that you are my acting Case Manager in Michelle Wogan's absence. However I am uncertain if Michelle Wogan is my Case Manager as there was a written agreement in my file to inform in writing myself and my Treatment Providers if there is a change in Case Manager, and this has not happened. I have had no information otherwise that my Case Manager has been changed from Selena Dominguez, except as an aside on the ending of a Cover Letter with a Courier Package I recieved from ACC recently.

In regards to this confusion I am copying this to not only Michelle, but also to Selena, and also to Rachael Stephenson who I understand to be the new General Manager. As you can see I am also copying this to **** **** as my treating Psychotherapist and also **** ****, my ACC Advocate. I would like your reply correspondence to be cc'd to these two people.
With regard to the recent media release made by ACC: http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/print.html?path=PO1008/S00131/extra-support-for-sexual-abuse-survivors.htm as in this link, I need a fairly urgent reply to the Question:

Under the terms of this Information will I be granted immediate subsidised care?

I think I probably know the answer to this but I require an answer in writing urgently, before the end of working day tomorrow, Thursday 12 August.

Regards
Danielle Martin

You see, on Wednesday, when all the 'NEWS' started coming out with regards to ACC Sensitive Claims as I've said in a previous post I was doing my best to understand what it all meant.
Though I am an ardent Supporter of most of the Organisations, People and Services under the 'Helpful Sites/Info for Survivors' box to the right of the screen; AND also part of writing this blog, exposing my 'story' publicly and speaking out IS ABOUT ME BELIEVING IN THE NEED FOR A FAIR AND JUST SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR SURVIVING VICTIMS OF RAPE, SEXUAL ABUSE & TRAUMA, and me have been trying to do 'my bit' in anyway I can for other's currently and those to come who through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN MAY HAVE NEED OF A SAFE SERVICE.
I am also a Victim/Survivor myself, who has been on what I can only describe as a Roller-coaster Ride (provided by ACC) in the Theme-Park called life. Now I've been through the 'House of Horrors', the 'Mirrored Maze', and even the 'Ghost Train'. It's been a 'Roller-coaster Ride' that I have had no way to get off of, there has been no 'this way out' provided. It has been going round and round and up and down, going slowly sometimes and never knowing whether there is a sharp turn or a scream inducing drop up next. I have been treated at best like a problem to be dealt with, at worst AS A NOTHING, just a claim number and a statistic that will drop through the crack.

You will notice in the above email that I refer to 'my current treating Psychotherapist', I am now, and have been for sometime in the position that if I want to see any of my Treatment Provider's that I have try and borrow money that I have no idea if and when I'll be able to pay back or try to understand and accept offers of heavily discounted services, when in all truth that is not really fair on them.

I've been trying to scan/upload/attach the relevant documents so you could see them for yourself, so they are on here as proof, but I am tired and not tech-savy enough to manage it. So you'll have to believe me that a quote from the letter that I received on 30 July 2010 from ACC says:

"ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House..."

Segar House, that old chestnut... I don't have the energy to write ALL the information attaching ALL the links here. It's all through my posts, it's not where I am 'meant' to be going, except according to Denise Cosgrove, Peter Jensen, and Gillian Pow.

I am tired, I am don't have any 'BRAVE' left, I am so very tired of being so scared, I am so ashamed of the way I am.

ACC - Turn Around OR Running For Cover

Starting yesterday there's been a flurry of activity online with Articles, Media Releases, Tweets and Blogposts relating to ACC Sensitive Claims.

The first I was aware of was through a couple of emails, one from a friend with a cut and paste version of the media statement & then, the latest Blogpost from Kyle MacDonald - "Off the Couch - Light at the end of the tunnel?"

Reading through this I also checked online and read the ACC Media Release on Scoop entitled "Extra support for sexual abuse survivors", but printed it off and went and sat down outside for a few minutes to read it properly, and digest WHAT IT ALL REALLY MEANS. (with the beginning of suspicious feelings at the use of the words "Provides Extra Support", when in fact there has been NO support for many months, does 'Extra' = 'drop in the proverbial bucket of crisis', AND is this a seemingly predictable National PR action of take everything away/threaten or action worse case scenario AND THEN once the terror of it all with time has sunk in, the 'HANDOUT' (pittance) is so gratefully received that 'The People' only see this 'White Knight Approach' to a big old dragon actually created by the Knight in the first place)

Firstly, and thankfully, that someone walking into a Counselor's/Treatment Provider's office, either through self-referral or through something like a GP or Hospital or even Victim Support referral, 'New Claimants/Victims' CAN GET IMMEDIATE HELP; This is a GOOD thing.. They will be able to see someone without having to wait weeks for 'Assessment' with nothing, and they WILL be able to make an appointment for the next week, and KNOW that it will be a subsidised appointment. Something that's been heavy in my heart through all of this is the people who have been raped last week, yesterday, or next week, or now need (cause it's always a 'need', trust me when it's not a 'want') to deal with their past trauma ARE ABLE TO GET IMMEDIATE assistance.

It was after popping on to Twitter this morning, that I suddenly felt enraged with some of the tweets I was seeing (not at the tweeter's themselves!), with the feeling that perception might be swayed that it's all on the mend, when that is not quite the case at all, YET. It was tweets like the following:

@NZStuff ACC reverses funding cuts for sexual abuse victims http://bit.ly/9XHdoN

@3NewsNZ Rape Prevention group welcomes ACC u-turn http://ow.ly/18x0lc

@TVNZNews ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on fu... http://bit.ly/aURVuG #TVNZ News

@newsnz ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on funding cuts... http://bit.ly/atvrTw

All of the above would LEAD ME (if I didn't know better) to think Everything Is Going To Be Ok With ACC Sensitive Claims Now. Phew! The People can relax.

IF THIS IS THE BEGINNING of a 'turn-around' with the Review Panel's Statement, Influence and Report coming in September heralding Serious Changes and Healing, then Bravo. (Click here for official Statement from Review Panel)

BUT what I propose and suspect to be the ACTUAL TRUTH around what is occurring is ACC (and in essence the National Party and Nick Smith) are scrambling for cover with the intitial report of the Review Panel's 'Concerns' and are offering an Option which is in fact the Same Option that was proposed by the Minister of 16 Subsidised Sessions when all this life & death Po-lava began last year.

We must not forget in our gratitude for this 'hand out' such realities as:

Real reasons for change in abuse claims policy
Sunday, 22 November 2009, 12:40 pm
Press Release: New Zealand Association of Counsellors
Press Statement from the New Zealand Association of Counsellors 21:11:09
"ACC comes clean about real reasons for change in Sexual Abuse Claims Policy
ACC Southern Manager Karen Walsh, speaking at Fairlie Lions Club on Thursday 19 November revealed that it is ACC policy to reduce the number of Sensitive Claims" ... (click title link to read on for the details)

.
OR to QUICKLY TRUST ONE MEDIA RELEASE from THE SAME ORGANISATION that brought us:

Enhancing ACC support for sexual abuse survivors
Friday, 16 October 2009, 4:28 pm Press Release: ACC
ACC Media Release 16 October 2009
"Enhancing ACC support for survivors of sexual abuse with a mental injury
• Changes reflect four years’ work aimed at improving client outcomes
• ACC committed to working with sector to implement, review and refine changes
• New approach reflects evidence-based, best practice
From 27 October 2009, ACC will introduce some changes to enhance the way it manages sensitive claims – that is, claims for mental injury resulting from sexual abuse or sexual assault.
“The changes will initially apply to new claims only, and are designed to build on the level of care, understanding and support we currently provide to all clients who have survived the trauma of sexual abuse or assault but have a resulting mental injury,” says ACC’s Chief Executive, Dr Jan White." (click title link if you would like to read on and get to the real juicy stuff)...

However, (and I will be brief here, because I don't want to dilute the above)then I needed to work out what it meant for me, after the last 10 months I've learnt to be very careful indeed in paying attention to ACC Wording. What it means for me and many more 'like me' is TOUGH LUCK at the moment, just keep waiting out in the cold basically (and it's basically hailing golf-ball sized hailstones out there now). Call me skeptical, wary OR CALL ME A VICTIM (trying to Survive) OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL VIOLENT ATTACKS WITH PROVABLE DIAGNOSED PTSD THAT HAS BEEN THE VICTIM OF ACC'S DISRESPECT AND NEGLECT NOW FOR OVER 10 MONTHS, WITHOUT ANY OPTION OF SUBSIDISED CARE WHILE AT TIMES BEGGING FOR HELP.

Please consider that when you read the ACC Media Release by ACC involving
Ms Denise Cosgrove
"ACC sex abuse claims 'badly handled'"
And finally, in the midst of all the seemingly oh-so-positive spin on the ACC Sensitive Claims announcements, it was somewhat of a relief to read the following article to know it wasn't just me that is seeing through the cracks.

National Still Victimising Sexual Abuse Victims 11 August 2010
Media Statement by Lynne Pillay:
"National still victimising sexual abuse victims
The National Government’s decision to partially back down on a failed cost cutting programme that denied sexual abuse survivors access to counselling doesn’t go far enough, Labour Victims Rights spokesperson Lynne Pillay says." ...(please click the title link to read the WHOLE article, it is VERY enlightening)

Just a girl, in the world, worried for herself and her future.

A Dash of Kindness, A Sprinkle of Sleep, and A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith

I just had FOUR hours sleep in a row!!!
OMG, you have (or you might) no idea how fricken awesome that is for a very over-tired (like almost psychotically!) stressed out, unwell woman. I woke up just after 10pm, and looked at the clock, and was like 'holy crap', I just had 4 hours of uninterrupted healing wonderful sleep, A Sprinkle of Sleep. Okay, so I still had a sharp awakening, but it was only like a 2/10 nightmare wake-up call, kind of the same as being woken up by a very loud quick noise, but then for only a minute or two I was like okay, that was what was just happening (in the dream), but yeah I think I can move on and leave those feelings back there for now. So at almost the middle of the night (I know, not ideal timing of sleeping patterns, but really, I'll take what I can get a the moment) I'm up and can kind of even think a bit clearly for the first time in days without bursting into tears. And it's amazing the restorative powers of sleep as well, my skin, when I am not getting enough sleep seems to age by the hour, and if I have a cut or a spot or anything no matter how much I am careful about it, or antiseptic stuff I use, if I don't get enough sleep it just gets yuckier and doesn't heal, but then just after 4 blissful hours it's like a healing tonic to my body.

Anyway, I'm still tired (yes, you know the positive s*#t can't go on for the WHOLE post) and just want more. I feel like I'm a junkie hanging out for 12 hour nights of rest. Gawd, that would just make everything a little better, actually probably alot better. I saw a therapist today for the first time in 3 weeks (anyone else see connection with productive therapy session and then I got some sleep, hmmm... yes maybe), one of the gifts of my previous time in financially subsidised therapy is my ability to go into that room and be 100% honest no matter how scary it is, or how scared I am about what might come up, come out, or how I'll be after. So that's what I did today. I have been reminded that I still have some gifts from 'before' that I am still utilising, that I haven't lost. Funny, it's about 4 hours on now, about 2am and already I feel like I'm waning again actually, have done a few things though, managed folding some washing, dishes, and made and just ate some food.

Speaking of food it brings me to talking about the Supermarket and that Dash of Kindness. A couple of weeks ago, unexpectedly, a person I didn't expect it from (not that I would expect them not to either, I dunno!) said that they'd be happy to take me to the supermarket. Now this is quite a big deal for me. Why, because me trying to be able to go to the supermarket (read previous posts if you don't get this) is massive at the mo, and ergo it becomes a problem NOT going because obviously that equals no food in the cupboards etcetera. However this person, who I know has limited 'free personal time' seemed quite sincere without making a big deal about it. And I was so ridiculously low on everything, that I not only couldn't afford to not bite the bullet and go (I think I just did a triple negative, hopefully makes sense), but I was struck by trying to be gracious in accepting this kindness. From a person who hadn't read my blog, and even though they may know me well and know I'm going through a 'difficult patch' didn't know quite how dire the situation was regarding the supermarket, anxiety, and then of course the follow on to actual having and eating food (apparently important). Anyway, so this is a couple of weeks ago, they pushed the trolly, apparently happy to just wait patiently and calmly in the fruit & vege section which is where I always need to spend the most time but which I find the most stressful (layout, people moving in unexpected directions etc), by the time we had got to the dairy food section I was like 'hey, I'm SO doing this, and I am OK'. Without even realising it having been chatting about just stuff, normal stuff, for alot of the circuit. When we got to the check-out with the ridiculously long queues they asked if I was good to wait by myself while they went and got a coffee, and you know what, I was. So I said yes, and they went off. I knew I only had about $x and so strategically placed stuff for if/when the total reached my limit, and bang on about 2/3's of the way through, it did. The lady was very nice about it, I was embarrassed, normally I am running in, getting one panic bag of shopping, anyway so the eggs, kumura, cheese etc were handed over with my apologies for the hassle for them having to put them back. Anyway, the person then turned back up just after I paid, THEN when they realised I'd had to put stuff back, asked if I'd like them to just pay for the extra. I didn't want that, so said no, and IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. We just moved on to put the stuff in the car.
I know this may seem like a large amount of time, energy and words to devote to a visit to the supermarket, but firstly it's because the kindness of someone allowed something large for me to momentarily become something of much less time, energy and stress...AND there is also more. THEN in the weekend just gone, out of their way they offered again to do this. I was like, 'look, you don't need to be like okay I have to take Danielle to the supermarket every week or something', but they said it was fine, and so trying to be gracious again, (and also needing food and more scared of the alternative than wanting to act out on some difficulty in understanding kindness) we again went to the supermarket. As we were pulling into the car-park I thought, and said 'you know, after last time, I'm not as scared today, about going in there I mean'. We didn't need to workshop it or anything, but it was nice to be able to say that. I won't take you through every section again, but I was able to get the things I had to put back the week before, still being careful, and comfortable enough to take the time (in front of someone I knew without I think being judged) to chose the $2.57 teabags instead of the $3.59 ones, because on my budget that's what I need to do. So the end of the story is I have food in the cupboard and in the fridge. And even though I may have difficulty in remembering to eat, or keeping food down sometimes (stress or sickness, not a eating disorder), it's lovely feeling that there is more than just 2 minutes noodles there, and that kindness exists (with no string, catches, conditions or requirements, apart from maybe a little acceptance).

And to close on, A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith. It was the Thursday night news on TV3 I think 2 weeks ago (I'd go and find the link to the clip because it's so compelling BUT my AGED laptop stopped functioning with sound last year, bit limiting with what I can do BUT I can still write!), anyway, it was the 6pm news and I was washing dishes (I do one load of dishes a day, I save them for night time, there is nothing like doing the dishes to warm me up, blissful heat through the gloves, with me being a wee bit under-weight my circulation isn't great and my hands get so cold). I digress, and it will dilute what I am trying to say, stay on point Danielle. So TV3 6 O'Clock evening News, Thursday week before last, it was a clip about a river or some sort of waterway in Canterbury, in the South Island. And even though I couldn't see the television I heard 'and Nick Smith...' and my ears perked up to concentrate. So it was him (Nick Smith) speaking, something like:

'Well, it's important that we take 12 or even 18 months to make the right decision about this because the implications of it will be felt for at least the next 40 or 50 years, so what's a year in the scheme of things with making the right decision to get the right on-going effects'

It was something very similar to that. I actually had to go and sit down as soon as I heard it, in my bedroom, on my bed, and have a cry. I guess that's why it's stuck with me, the words (I may not have the total exact quote, but I'm sure I'm pretty close). I wish that it had been a clip 10 Months ago (yes, it's been that long people) about the ACC Sensitive Claims, and that he'd been saying that same statement then. It's been going round and round in my head, so hopefully sharing it here will help.

It was $1 dvd day at my dvd shop today (for all dvd's apart from New Releases). I have a wonderful DVD Shop, and if it wasn't for the aspect of anonymity I try to maintain on here I would tell you where it is, with the would-be-intention of sending business their way. The owner is very kind, he works during the daytime Monday to Friday mainly. And I avoid going in at busy times (weekends), and don't leave the house alone at night (so basically never), so from when I moved here last year we chat whenever I pop in occasionally. So I splashed out and got a couple of $1 dvds. I am now going to go and sit down with my hot water bottle and blanket and cup of 'relaxing' herbal tea and watch 'What Just Happened'.

Just a girl, in the world, with faith and hoping for hope

Piece of Me, Through Another's Eyes

A few days ago I made the decision to email the link to this blog to a selection of people. It's important for me to try and convey the degree of how much I was a private person (hard maybe to understand with a recent tell-all story in Sunday Star Times!), but to that effect it was only a few months ago as things as my situation started to become more difficult that I even made this blog publicly accessible. Of course most people have a certain degree of privacy about certain aspects of their life, and I had kept some pretty awful secrets for many years, even though their effects occasionally would come out sideways and was not something that I could always hide. And again, obviously, those effects would then be felt by others, often unfairly.

Anyway, so I thought that with things becoming even more untenable that there were some people that deserved the opportunity to have access to my blog. I was quite selective with who I sent it to, but obviously my contact with the world has seriously deteriorated since October 2009 and well, yeah, I guess that is as much of an explanation that my sleep deprived brain can put together. I sent an email with the link address and explaining that it was a personal blog. I have no problem at all with someone not wishing to read it, especially if they are someone close to me there are of a number of reasons I could very much understand.

However, there was someone who read it, who emailed me a piece of himself that I would like to share. I haven't asked his permission to share it (naughty maybe, considering how personal it is), BUT it is MY personal blog and I am taking a couple of steps to protect his identity. Why am I posting it, within the first paragraph I was in tears, the person he is talking about (ME) seems so far away from where I am right now. I am forever grateful for those near and far that have faith and care for me. His email has given me some strength at a time when I have reached a place of finding out ACC, in turn representing the 'help' service of my Country, New Zealand, has not only turned their back on me (and my 'problems'), BUT now I have the documented proof of a long term campaign to ensure that no further 'money is needed to be spent on me or my needed treatment', I am very scared and very tired, but quite calm actually now.

Anyway here is the email, 'HE' obviously has the blog address and will see that I have posted it (obviously we are in direct contact by email, but I have been finding it difficult to maintain most contact (without it being personal, it's been about 'my' un-wellness) with my deterioration over the last few months), so HOPEFULLY he won't mind, and will understand why I've posted it. However if 'HE' does feel uncomfortable about it in anyway I will break my golden rule of not deleting past posts because it will be more important to respect his wishes and feelings. (it is completely unedited except for a couple of obvious omissions of names to protect anonymity)

"Hi danielle,
I am really glad you wrote back to me. I have a lot to say, and because I have been thinking all night about what I am going to say and because it is 7am I am going to ramble my ass off!! I have always made sure I tell you the truth about things and I hope you always thought I was frank and open with you, this is a new experience for me. I have never told you about yourself or myself like this though, so grab a cup of tea.....hahaha I am trying to start and I have all this stuff in my head that i was thinking I would say to you and now I am trying to start writing it and I don't know where to start.

I guess our relationship started like most others, with massive amounts of sexual attraction!!!!!, well for me anyway, I think you are super sexy and an extremely alluring woman!!!! Maybe that sounds a little superficial but it is the truth, and it sounds corny and cliched but truly as time went on I really fell in love with you. Your infectious personality assured that. No one in any relationship I have ever had has ever been as supporting as you are, no one put their heart on a sleeve like you and no one ever gave a shit about my feelings in a relationship before, it really was a breath of fresh air. That and your bubbly personality and out going ness really is how I remember you and it makes me feel nice and tingly and warm. You are honestly without a doubt one of the most amazing woman I have met, and as you know I have met a lot. But I am super picky, i have never had a one night stand, and I have never dated anyone that I have not known for years. I really like to know someone first, being in a relationship is serious stuff for me. Anyway, not only do I feel blessed to have met you but what a blessing it was, cream on the top, that you said yes to us dating for 2 years makes me feel like jesus! You were always so patient with me and supportive, I never would I gone diving if it wasnt for you, thats how amazing you are. You make things happen. I talk about them, procrastinate about them, fantasise about them, you are a doer and make them come true!! My dreams, you made come true!!!!! Thats what you do best!!!! Your probably thinking, no that cant be and beating yourself up fro one reason or another, but I never ever would of got the job at ******** if it wasnt for your support and encouragement, that job made me the man I am today. You did that!!! And if only you could see me now I know or hope you would be proud. I was so proud to have you on my arm, just to walk with you and have all the guys shoot their jealous stares, hahah and they only saw your outside, I knew who you were on the inside!!!! So proud and fond of you, I was definitely in love with you.

I think about you and us often. Of course it makes me sad, we cant be girlfriend and boyfriend, and of course I miss you! But when we were, we owned the world!!! Your just such an amazing woman and that you cant see it make same so sad. And now after all this time, you still seem to think you dont deserve happiness, that happiness is meant to skip you by and you are meant for other things in life. Thats really hurtful. You really have nothing to be sad about, everyone that gets to met you, that you let see who you really are treasure that moment forever as I do!! I was in you love with you then, I still feel so much love for you now. It just sucks that you wont let yourself fly. Yu paid so much attention to me and I flew, imagine what happens to you when you just be yourself and let yourself fly. Imagine the joy you can feel but just being yourself. I dont want that to sound like a therapist talking or spiritual. I remember how people would turn and stare at you as you walked in a room, as though you had a light on inside you. You do, I see it, I trully do feel that I see you for who you really are, and that is because you and I are so a like. Now si a really good time, to stop feeling like if you are yourself people might not like you, trust me, the more you that you are the more people will like, and it was that way with me.

Its ok to feel scared, everyone is. And everyone has a pet fear, your is being rejected or not liked, you really dont need to feel like that, anytime you do just remember how amazing you trully are and yor wonderful gifts. A gift we often forget about is the one that allows us to take another breath, as long as we dont take that for granted and as long as you have clean water and some food the rest of our life is just filled with stuff. Stuff that we dont need, because living is about breathing, drinking, and eating ahhaha. Are you crying or have you cried yet? I hope so, I really hope this motivates you. I really hope you to see with your eyes wide open. Why do you think you are afraid of being rejected? Its the same reasons everyone else will give. Your so special you dont need to be. Why are you so scared of rejection? You shouldn't be look at what the other person will be missing out on!!! Trust me its a lot!!!! I miss it!!!!! You need to forget all the bullshit and start loving yourself, then the real beauty of yourself will come forward and everyone will be abel to see what you and I know is already there. Be yourself if someone doesn't like you, forge them, there are plenty of other people that would love you for who you are. Make friends with real people. Others just create anchors and make certain that you lose your path in life. Something you are happy abotu I am sure :) Take the time to think about what it is in life you truly want no matter how simple or farcical it may sound and give yourself the support and encouragement to chase those dreams, it really will be worth it when you are at the other side of yourself! Stop dating bad guys, you know you just do it because you think you are not worthy of anyones love, i hope you can see how wrong you are about that!!! I almost have RSI :P When things get scary, try and understand it to be a good thing, we can only grow and change if things get a little more extreme than normal. Sometimes to go forward we have to get rid of what is in our past, revenge, forgive, or forget, or what ever it takes to put the past in the past and just ge ton with the fun of living. It truly is your life and you can make it as warm and as loving and giving and receiving as you want!! Whatever your indiscretions in life has been it doenst matter, we all have them, just pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep moving, making your life whole with lots of love!

I wish things ended differently for us, I knew you were trying to push me away and still I wasnt strong enough to stand up to you and say no, I live with that regret everyday. Sometimes I am too respectful and that is one of my down comings. I am trying to get better at that.

BASICALLY YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you can start paying yourself back for that, YOU REALLY DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE YUR LIFE TO THE FULL!!!!!!!!

ALL MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!,
******** XOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXXXXX

Just for the record I am VERY PROUD of 'him', who he is as a man and where he is in his life, I guess we don't have alot of contact so I hope that he does know that.

In the meantime I have a couple of very important posts with corresponding documentation that I need to post in the next few days, as soon as I can manage. It takes quite alot for me to be able to write at the moment.

Just a girl, hoping for some decent sleep.

ACC and Sex Abuse

"ACC and sex abuse
0 Comments | Sunday Star - Times; Wellington, New Zealand, May 30, 2010

DENISE COSGROVE'S letter (May 23) endeavouring to mitigate ACC's stance relative to Danielle Martin goes well beyond what any fair- minded person should regard as ethical. Martin's health issues, particularly those of "pre-condition'', have no relevance to her presumably assessed and accepted sexual abuse claim and most certainly should not have been exposed in the media. No medical practitioner would dream of such a breach.

If Martin has ongoing issues from the abuse then ACC, by its very mandate, is to provide treatment until it is no longer required.

William Anderson
Howick, Manukau City

Sunday Star Times, Copyright of Fairfax New Zealand Limited 2009, All rights reserved.
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved."

http://findarticles.com/p/news-articles/sunday-star-times-wellington-new-zealand/mi_8185/is_20100530/acc-abuse/ai_n53884346/
It's sometime in the middle of the night and I came across this in my email that I had actually found a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was relevant to post on my blog.

I actually had just spent a HUGE amount of time and energy writing a blog earlier this evening (like had taken me hours, my functionality makes it sooo difficult to focus on this stuff that makes my heart go fast and my lungs want to stop) so if you are reading this because you are at the beginning but haven't read the one from earlier this evening then please CLICK HERE to read it .

I wish I could stand on a street corner, the Corner of Queen Street and Victoria, with one of those sandwich billboards on either side of me, with the Truth written on it, and instead of people just walking past they wouldn't even really have to read it so much, it would just be so clear they would just look and see and understand from seeing... and then after the People See The Truth there would be this ripple of the Universe being righted in someway because of the People's need for that. Now I just need to find a falling star to try and make my wish come true.

Worthless

Right now I feel Hopeless and Worthless, full of Toxic Shame, I'm sure it will shift or change at some point, everything does. (I want to cry and cut and scream and hold my breath and hide and run away and just not be, all at the same time)

Friday just gone was a really bad day. And today was absolutely terrible. But there have been moments of hope and productivity over the space in between.

On Thursday night I had no sleep (normal), and was just falling asleep Friday morning and there was a knock at the door, or rather Molly obviously hearing a van outside before I heard anything was up barking her head off AND THEN there was a knock at the door.

It was a Courier with a package from ACC, it was the response from the Request for Information that I had submitted as a result of reading the Statement that Denise Cosgrove had decided to make to the Sunday Star Times. I still am having difficulty grasping why a week after the Sunday Star Times Article 'ACC Cut My Lifeline' where ACC had at least a weeks notice to formulate their comments, why this Woman in her official capacity as a representative of ACC (the organisation that holds all the official documents of my Sensitive Claim and is meant to be part of the solution of my healing from rape, torture and sexual assault) decided to make these allegations about me, my care, and claim.

The Courier Package was about 4 inches thick of A4 documents with a Cover Letter. Here is a quote from the cover letter:

"In relation to point 3 and 4, on 13/01/2010 Dr ***** [Psychatrist's Name] and ***** ***** [Therapist's Name] agreed with ACC to arrange the referral on your behalf to Segar House. Both Dr ***** and ***** ****** have told ACC that you are not willing to participate with treatment at Segar House at this time.

ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House as recommended by Dr *****."

(You can see the 'points 3 & 4' referred to in a copy of the letter I sent HERE'
Only being a page long it didn't really cover much else.
The letter went on to say:

"We're happy to answer your questions
Please call me on 0800 735 566 if you would like to talk about the information we've provided. If you have any queries to your ongoing entitlements, please contact Michelle Wogan, Case Manager, on 0800 735 566.

Yours sincerely
Sarah Boggs
Senior Support Co-ordinator
Telephone:0800 735 566"

I NORMALLY restrain myself from actually contacting the 'SENSITIVE' Claims Unit by phone, because it's usually a waste of time (you can see the results from the last time I had phone contact with them HERE, note there was no mention in that hour I spent on the phone with them then of 'Segar House'). BUT I was SO VERY UPSET at the downright Manipulation of events and further UNTRUTHS conveyed that I decided to ring them.

So I rang the 0800 number, spoke to a really nice sounding seemingly helpful man named Peter.
First I asked him about why in this letter it said that Selena Domingaz who was/is my ACC Case Manager has changed to a 'Michelle Wogan' without myself and my Treatment Providers being notified in writing about the change? (This is what I would consider a small respect considering the nature of the information in my file and also particularly relevant when you are dealing with a client with issues around safety, however it was something a couple of years ago after multiple changes of Case Managers that neither I nor my Treatment Provider's could keep up with the latest email addresses, I had to request in writing that from now on a change in Case Manager would result in written notification to all involved in my Care and Claim, this was acknowledged in writing, is noted in my file AND early last year WAS actually done when Selena Domingaz came on as my Case Manager) The guy on the phone didn't know, I didn't really expect him too.
So then we moved on, he asked me if he could help me with something, I said I imagined it was probably out of his scope to assist with but I started to tell him a bit, he quickly said that it might be better to try and put me through to my Case Manager. At this I asked to speak to 'Sarah Boggs', the person who had signed the letter, he tried her and said she was out of the office for the rest of the week.
So then I said okay, you can try the Case Manager, he came back saying 'she was on leave, not knowing a date of return'. So then I asked if I could speak to Denise Cosgrove (since she can speak publically ABOUT me, perhaps she could speak TO me), he eventually came back on the line and said that the line had just rung and rung until it rung out.
Sighing I thanked him for his time and assistance.

Now that I have documented proof of UNTRUTHS I have the option of taking it up with the Privacy Commission and onto Human Rights from there. I cannot afford a Lawyer to help me with this. I can't spend the next 6 or 12 months filling out forms, writing statements and letters to try and stand up for my rights, my truth and to try and get the treatment and help I need. I've been trying to do all that for months and months now even though I am now too overwhelmed to enter a supermarket alone.

I am too tired and exhausted to fully go into explaining why ACC's behavior around my claim has become two steps away from evil. Most of the explanations around the Segar House, what has and has not happened, who I am, what has happened to me, what I need and how very hard I have worked too get well are right through-out my blog. (so read carefully before you post a comment, I let almost all rational comments through, but it is you that will look stupid if you decide to say something that is not correct based on the ignorance of not bothering to check simple facts in my blog)

BUT there have been a couple of sparks of hope that I am holding onto, I am trying to concentrate on the simple stuff like trying to get washing dry, trying to eat enough, trying to look after Molly properly. I love Molly so much, I know she is just an animal, but she's my baby. I want to have a life worth living, I am getting down on my knees on a daily basis at the moment just to ask my Higher Power just to allow me the strength to cope and get through the next 24 hours and to look after Molly. Molly makes my day worth it, just.

Just a girl, holding on.

Hottie

My hot water bottle split last night, it was just after I'd filled it and was lying on the couch and it started to get really hot on my chest and up my side. Before I realised it there was boiling water soaked through everything. It was okay though, I realised pretty quickly what was happening and managed to get into the shower to run cold water on the scald.
When I took Molly for her walk today I had to go to the Chemist and pick up some scripts so I bought a new hottie, it was $9.99.

I'm on a benefit, after paying all my bills I had $20 left for the week for food, and I just spent half of in on a piece of rubber.

But the thing is that my last power bill was huge, I don't totally understand why, I have a small oil heater. It's not like I have lots of long showers or anything. But I know the rates have gone up. And then my mortgage went up this week, so that's an extra $30. So I can't afford to have the heater on much.

So I really need my hottie. I use it even in the summer, for easing of pain that I get 'down there'. For years and years I've had Urinary Tract Infections and some Kidney Infections, it started when I was quite young. And the pain is intense, indescribable really. So either you've had one, and you know what I mean or you haven't and then you'll need to ask someone else to describe it cause I'm not so good at being accurate about the 'down there' stuff. Anyway, what has happened over the years is that it's gone from taking 24-48hours to being in agony and only really help-able with IV antibiotics in hospital to taking about 20 minutes to being in the same state with it being difficult to walk or stand.

There is an article "Psychiatric Disorders, Sexual Trauma Linked to Urinary Tract Symptoms" CME News Author: Pauline Anderson CME Author: Hien T. Nghiem,MD

This is a quote from the article:

"A new study not only confirms the relationship between psychiatric disorders and lower urinary tract symptoms (LUTS) but also shows that the effect of such symptoms on quality of life is more dramatic in women with depression, anxiety, or a history of sexual trauma."

It really just goes on to talk about a study showing a relationship between women having ongoing problems with UTI's and Sexual Trauma.

Anyway, it's all alot of technical jargon really, but the thing is that it was actually quite validating for me when I got given a copy of that article last year.
This has been a 'problem' that has altered my life for over 20 years, and because of where it is, it's something I have difficulty talking about. And the thing is as well is that I don't think sometimes people understand just how sick you can be with this and not really 'look' it on the outside. It can be really bad and the only noticeable visible symptoms is perhaps that I am quite pale or pasty with dark smudges under my eyes. When actually 'the burn' as I call it is awful, often peeing blood, and most days, these days, if I go over 12 hours with out taking pain medication in my back on either side below my ribs it feels like I've been booted on either side. It takes about an hour a few pills and several cups of hot water to be able to move.

The thing is that this probably just sounds like a whinge. But it's awful waking up from a nightmare of being raped with burning 'down there', it's hard to try and do things like walk Molly and get to appointments when the pain is bad.

For the 12 months up until October when my therapy was disrupted by ACC I had only had TWO visits to hospital as a result of this.

For the previous year it was about THIRTY visits.

I firmly believe that stress manifests physically. I know that when I was in therapy and 'getting better' that it also equated to my physical health improving to a more manageable, less painful level.

Anyway I've got my new hottie for tonight, and what have I really got to complain about, I was cold last night, but not as cold as sleeping under a bush in the rain in the middle of winter aye, and I guarantee there will be people out there tonight in the open somewhere trying to stay warm.

Just a girl, trying to stay warm.

Shortland Street

Yes, I watch it, sometimes - this doesn't mean I don't watch Campbell live which I can watch on TV3+1 after. And I am a far cry from some 'Coro-Street Watchers' that I know, that if they are not home, or organised the recording of their beloved episode will try nothing short of extreme manipulation to have the tellie changed to watch it at someone else's house.

I was just thinking watching it about which of the character's I would like a copy of in my life. I guess that must be part of successful tv, for it to seem something imprint-able. I would like to have Rachel as a friend, I think with everything she has been through she would be quite understanding of what's going on in my life. I would like to have an older brother like Hunter, with the protective-when-needed mates. I think I would like to have Tracie as a friend too, she seems no nonsense, like would be supportive of helping me deal with situations that happen that I still seem to lose myself in.

Today it was 2 for 1 at the dvd shop. Most of the time these days I know that dvds are not something that I can afford. But I'd had a particularly bad night. I've been quite low for a bit, and then I managed to embarrass myself on National Radio last night. I rung up The Nutters Club on Radiolive, just to say hi and to give some ups to the Guest, a guy named Ronnie, who just had this awesome story of adversity in his life and just really overcoming it, and continuing to want and work on a positive life. But instead of sounding like a rational human being when I was on-air I ended up bursting into tears. Anyway, I had a shitty night, trying to distract myself with things like trying to read a book but the memories and images in my head just wouldn't go away and I felt like putting my head through a window just to escape.

After having no sleep last night I spent a couple of hours this morning trying to go to sleep and just couldn't, so I thought 'what the hell' with less than $50 left on my almost maxed out credit card, I who am and have been so careful micro-managing every dollar I spend, when I make it to the supermarket buying the cheapest of everything, not buying anything like clothes or going to a movie or anything like dinner or a show in over a year now... but I was so despondent this morning that I thought, f*%k it, and went and got a dvd.

I've what has been happening is all the crappy things that have happened in my life, around me or too me, everything physically, mentally, sexually awful, everything from nasty put-downs to car accidents, to the beatings and worse. When I think back to all that stuff, every single time, every single time I had to do the next hour, the next day, whatever, as if I was ok, there was no 'time' or 'space' or 'whatever' for me to think or deal or reflect or process. Alot of times it was essential for me survival and sanity to try and push it all down in my head, as far away from myself as quickly as possible so I could try and look after myself the next hour or the next day. This is the worst it's ever been, with the flashbacks and the memories and I don't know how to make them stop. I refuse to act out on my addiction and revert to being an active addict, not because I am so brave or strong or anything, just because I know that it doesn't really actually work and it will leave me even sicker and in more pain than I am in now.

I am trying to just keep doing the next right thing. But I hate where I am, I hate the disgusting things that go through my head when I fall asleep. I hate that things were starting to get better with my therapy, especially last year, and that now it is worse than ever. I wish I had known my treatment was going to get chopped off half way through, I probably would have never bothered trying.

I don't know how to stop the pain, how to stop crying.

Someone said that it is 'human nature to not want to discuss the kinds of things I am upset about', and that hurt me, it makes me feel dirty and ashamed and sad and angry...but also on some level I actually understand and agree with them. I need to keep in mind that I've spent almost 20 years running from all this shit, and just because it's spilling out of my soul right now it doesn't mean that anyone else should know or want to deal with it, it's just about driving me, well, driving me somewhere dark with the spill.

I've just had a few weeks with a very kind therapist who kindly gave me a discounted rate, for the first few sessions I had the financial support of a loan of money in the form of weekly payments. That stopped. So I started just using my credit card. That has run out now. My mortgage is going up this week by $30 (it's a 100% mortgage basically if anyone wants to have a go about me 'owning a house'), my power, water, insurances have all gone up over the last couple of months. Before these financial changes I had $39 budgeted a week for food. I keep hearing John Key on the news saying that with the new Budget and GST that no one with be worse off. I keep thinking that he must be talk about me, no-one. I have no idea how things are meant to come together practically in my life and I think I am unable to work it all out.

I am often to scared to have a shower, figure that one out. I am like this person who has so much potential, I could do some good things, I don't need anything fancy like fame or wealth. A simple job, maybe helping people or animals would be nice. We don't remain static, for years I managed by going sideways in my life, then I stopped 8 years ago and started to try and go forward. Slowly slowly, baby steps. Now I am sinking. As of October 2009 I have been sinking.

These are my ramblings probably. I can't re-read what I have written and edit it. I'd give a progress update on my STUFF with ACC, but there is no progress, no updates. Nothing.

Just a girl, not wanting any negative judgement right now, I have enough thanks.

Sleeping Rough

Whenever I am feeling down and there is that very heavy rain, that sounds like the heavens have simply opened up with a torrent of water, it reminds me of being out in that weather for almost 2 months. I try and use it as an opportunity to remind myself that no matter what else is going on that I have a roof over my head while the weather is outside and I am inside, and that is something I need to be grateful for, and therefore not take for granted.

When I was 15 and first out of home I used to go into what was then call ‘Social Welfare’ which is know known as WINZ (Work and Income New Zealand), on Lake Road in Takapuna. I would go in there and tell them that I had nowhere to go, no place to sleep, no money, no food and that I needed help. They told me that because of my age that there was nothing that they could do to help me, they suggested that I try the Community Advice Bureau. This was before the park opposite Shore City was developed, and also the area of land on Takapuna beach waterfront along from the Sailboat Club there. There were random other ‘homeless’ youths, I guess ranging in age from about 12 to up to about 30. So I would often head up to the Salvation Army office, it was just off Hurstmere Road then up a flight of dingy stairs. I was always full of shame going in there, so tried to not go if I could help it. But they would have food packages that would be the alternative to standing outside Shore City begging for spare change to get enough to go upstairs and get a cheeseburger and perhaps some chips from the MacDonalds up the top. I don’t remember all the contents of the food packages from the Sallies, but I remember several times having to enlist the help of one of the other random homeless people around to help me open a tin of baked beans with a rock, with the understanding that it was to be shared in exchange for the help. The number of evenings eating cold baked beans out of a tin with an old plastic spoon. There was a run down house down on Takapuna beach with a filled in pool, the rumour at the time, which now looking back doesn’t make much sense was that it used to be Rachel Hunter’s house. It was two story and was a mess, it had literally been stripped, with most of the windows smashed out, and upstairs there were portions where rot had caused the floor to fall through. BUT for a time it was a place to find a corner out of the rain to doss down for the night. Usually carefully with one or two others, cause you never knew what kind of crazy was going to turn up during the night.
I’m not sure exactly what happened, but it got covered in signs saying that it was due for demolition, then all of a sudden there was Security Guards patrolling it at night and then a metal fence went up around it, with the demolition work eventually coming after that.
So around this time I met this guy called *****. He was 3 years older than me and seemed like heaps older and more on to it (at the time) than I. He did smoke quite a bit of pot, which despite the ‘scene’ was something I had decided after the first half dozen times I did not like how it made me feel, so it was something that I never did with him. But anyway, one night I had absolutely nowhere to sleep and he said that he had somewhere we could go. It was already dark and we walked up to the Pumphouse, down by Lake Pupuke in Takapuna. We walked around down past the pumphouse, around by the lakes edge past bushes and trees, quite a way around. Then there was a clump of bushes from underneath he pulled an old ripped sleeping bag. He unzipped it, it was a cool night, but not yet the middle of winter, so we hunkered down under the bushes with the sleeping bag covering us both as best as possible. I don’t think I got a lot of sleep that night, I know that I was constantly exhausted with it having been awhile since I’d had a good night’s sleep, but it was so dark and kind of spooky around there, but I know I eventually got some sleep.
So over the next couple of months this area would become a place I would regularly come to try and sleep at night when I had nowhere else to go. I actually ended up coming here most of the time by myself, even though I was scared of the dark and being by myself at night, I had seen things like people get stabbed who were sleeping in other more well-known areas for people who had nowhere else to go at night.
This was before the Pumphouse got it’s re-vamp, and so there was the two public toilets which were pretty bare, sparten, often not very clean, they had the basic metal toilet with no seat, a sink with a cold tap and a ‘mirror’ which was just a piece of polished metal screwed to the wall that was pretty scratched up. Apart from that it was just brick walls and a cold concrete floor. I think it was meant to be locked up every night, but occasionally the Security Guards would forget and I would be in luck and would get to curl up on the floor in there for a few hours, invariably though the Guards would do rounds and eventually find me in there and tell me to move on. Even during the times later in winter when they were more on to the system of keeping it locked at night, it would be unlocked in the mornings and I would have somewhere that I could go to the toilet, and use the cold tap and if there was toilet paper something to try and wash my face and under my arms.
So for the times that I could get into that female toilet area I would make my way around the lakeside, the Security Guards would actually check in the grassy area a little way around, so I’d have to go far enough that it would probably be further than they would bother, sometimes I would get it wrong and they would find me and tell me to move on. Otherwise there were a couple of particular bushes that helped take the brunt out of the rain as long as there wasn’t the wind driving it in any direction but down. I managed to claim possession of that sleeping bag, often at the beginning of the night (cause it was the middle of winter) it would still be soggy from the night before, but I would still use it to try and provide some sort of protection from the torrential wind, rain and cold. I don’t think I have ever been as cold as I was some of those nights during that winter. Looking back now the ‘sleep’ that I would drift in and out of in the cold, was probably more dangerous than I realized with how cold I was.

Why am I telling you about this?
One year before I was mainly living in a Boarding House attached to one of the most expensive Private Girls’ Schools in New Zealand. For most of my school life I’d been above average achiever, with an active long term interest in Speech and Drama and Public Speaking. Ironically a year or so before getting several Firsts and Placings in the New Zealand Speech Board Speech and Drama Competitions held at the Pumphouse in Takapuna.

A few weeks later I was ‘found’ by someone who had already sexually, physically, verbally, mentally attacked and abused me. I was hiding out from him at a caravan park on the West Coast. He found me, and he was very angry. He tied me up and over the next day and a half with the curtains drawn in the caravan he did, well, he did a lot of things to me. There was one point where he had the knife at my throat that I really truly believed that I was going to die. I can’t begin right now to describe everything that happened during that time. It was something that I am still running from. So I had written all that above about trying to find somewhere to sleep in the winter because when I escaped from that caravan, when I escaped from him. When I hid under the desk of the Caravan Owners Office while that Police came, when they asked me if I wanted to file a complaint, all I could think about was that he had told me that if I told anyone what he’d done that he would find me and kill me, and then he would find my family (he knew where they lived) and he would kill them. So I was very young, very scared, very very confused. And I didn’t get any help, after the police checked that the caravan was empty and had a look in the surrounding bush I didn’t or couldn’t talk, I couldn’t find my voice to explain what I’d just been through. I had no idea how to handle the situation that I was in. The person, my attacker, during his time with me, had cut up and destroyed every item of clothing except for a pair of culottes and a singlet. I remember thinking that I had no underwear and I didn’t or couldn’t even ask for help to explain that I didn’t have any clothes and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to get some more without even having any underwear.

So this is something that happened, something that has had a ripple effect in my life. And that I needed treatment and help for. I wasn’t able to ask for that until many years later. I am still scared of it all. My treatment got stopped in the middle, and now I am left with THIS STUFF, with the lid off the can. And now I am in a dark and scary place. And I don’t understand how ACC have let policy decisions re-traumatise me, a person, when they could have let me keep trying to be brave and get better. Instead I have gotten worse, and it’s a dark and scary place with the lid off and I can’t put it back on.

Stupid O'Clock

That's right, it's what I affectionatly like to think of as stupid o'clock. It's actually sometime between 3-4am, I've been up for an hour or so. I went to sleep and got a couple of hours before a bad dream, and decided that even though I am tired enough to probably get back to sleep eventually, that I just don't want to. That there is probably 50% less chance of the dreams being not-so-hard to deal with if I go back to sleep once the sun comes up, so that's what I'm doing. I feel like I am being a petulant child, making a statement like that, I guess it's because it seems like something that is not really the 'best' thing to do, like not the most 'functional' thing to do, to just stay up for the rest of the night.

It seems like alot of my choices that I have left are things like that these days.

I started this blog never knowing whether it would see the light of day, for the first few posts and months treating it like a private diary that I didn't know whether or not I would make public. BUT THEN I eventually did, and I must say that it has been a different experience writing once people 'know who I am', I am a little bit more self-conscious I guess, with a bit less anonymity I have been a bit less secure in the words that I write and what others think of them and me. In tandem with the hugely invalidating experience I have been going through with ACC my sense of self that was fragile at the best of times, is something that I just can't seem to find at the moment. I've basically stopped posting on Twitter. This was something that I did before 'all this ACC stuff', I was just another person on that social media site. One of the comments that I have received on this blog was a negative judgement on me for tweeting my blogposts. I guess it's just another one of those things that when one is not doing that great anyway, I'm not really feeling confident enough now to go on there, the good thing about the site was that it was allowing me to connect at a time when isolation has been something I've been battling with, but now if I start to write any comments on there I can hear all these negative voices in my head of people judging me for what I say.

I started writing this blog after a conversation with a person, who at the time, was a very dear friend. This person was privy to some of the finer details of what was occurring with ACC and me, this was actually the person that I phoned after I recieved that phone call from ACC back in October last year telling me I only 5 sessions of therapy left, but to have a good day. Anyway, so sometime after I rang that person, I had collapsed almost screaming on the floor of the hospital, I could barely get the words out, my brain couldn't comprehend I don't think what was happening, or maybe it was the opposite, my brain could suddenly see forward with what was going to occur to me and in my life with my therapy disrupted and taken away. Anyway sometime after when I saw this person (someone who had known me for quite a long time, through good & bad times) we were talking and they said they likened it to what happened to the Jews at Auschwitz, and they said that it was important that there were people that made it through this because it wasn't going to all get better overnight, and it was important that when it came time to hold accountability for what was happening, for the decisions and actions being carried out by ACC staff members, that the way that victims of awful awful things were being treated when they were only trying to get help, ahhh, I can't even finish this sentence off properly I am too emotional. But I hope you get where I am going with this, and what I mean.

This is the reason that I did the newspaper article in the Sunday Star Times, because what I believe is that what ACC is doing with Sensitive Claims AND to all the victims of rape, sexual abuse, and sexual trauma is so very very wrong.

For me personally there is so much more I want to write, but I just can't. I'm not really doing so well I guess. Things arn't really looking that hopeful. One day is blending into another and the only thing really keeping me going right now is trying to look after Molly (my dog), and even that I am only just managing to do. There are some days when I can't even manage to walk her and I feel sorry for something else that is being negatively affected by my disfunction.

secrets

one of the things that i haven't written about is all the secrets. i am not allowed to talk about any of this stuff to one of the significant people in my life, i am not allowed to discuss it (clearly spelt out in email, NO TABOO SUBJECTS to be discussed), or anything else 'difficult' in any way. i have been told that it is human nature to not want to talk about this sort of stuff. i just spoke to that person, trying to explain the difficulty i am having in meeting those requirements, especially right now when everything hurts so much. another significant person who probably should have been present in my life alot more than they were recently emailed me saying they doubted that i could be trusted, so if they were going to consider assisting financially with my treatment it would have to be through another party. i am totally honest and reliable with money. but it doesn't matter, another person that says i am not worth trusting.
soon, acc wont even need to worry about me. i will most likely end up either drinking or using drugs soon, and then we all knows where that leads. and it will be a big yay from denise cosgrove and peter jensen, we all knew that danielle was a bad egg. even her 'significant close-ones' will be able to confirm it.

sshhhh! its not to be discussed!

ACC, PTSD & Me

This is an email that I sent (then sent snail mail also) on Monday of this week, it took me over 10 days to write. I was debating WHEN to post it on here, whether I should wait to see what happens. But at the mo I'm not doing so well, not really managing, so I thought to try and maintain as much transparency as possible with my blogging I'll put it on here now, while I can. It is a response to an ARTICLE BY DENISE COSGROVE (click to see), which I know to contain FICTITIOUS information

"6 July 2010

Denise Cosgrove
General Manager
ACC
PO Box 242
Wellington

(via email)

RE: DANIELLE MARTIN, CLAIM #***********

Request for Official Information

In relation to your letter to the editor (link: letter to editor by Denise Cosgrove) in response to the Sunday Times story highlighting my claim, under Section 12 of the Official Information Act 1982 I request ACC provide me with the following information in relation to my claim:

1. The number of Subsidised or Fully-financed therapeutic services that ACC has funded under my Sensitive Claim (with a clear distinction of the type of service).
2. The costs ACC has incurred for the different types of treatment in relation to the above.
3. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports etc relating to ACC’s interactions with ‘working with the ADHB’ about my Claim, or Care.
4. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports, referrals etc, pertaining to and showing ACC having “worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House.”

I look forward to receiving the information in due course and within the OIA timeframes.

Regards
Danielle Martin

**********@hotmail.com
**********
**********
AUCKLAND ****

So, it will be more waiting.

And as for me, in March I found out there was meant to be a Review Hearing in the Disputes Tribunal Court on 6 July 2010. I just found out a couple of days ago that it has had to be adjourned with a new date to be advised (???) all because of ACC requesting more time to get further "Opinions" ABOUT ME. I feel very disheartened with delay after delay and with all the instability of the last few months, the total insecurity of my life, and whether or not I will be able to manage to get treatment for my Chronic PTSD.

I managed to scurry into the supermarket on Monday morning, I'd been out of food for a couple of days, but Molly (my beautiful dog) had eaten the last of her dog food the night before, so I just had to do it.

I'm probably not making alot of sense, feeling really overwhelmed, tired and anxious. I am now really, really scared of having to go to sleep, and wondering how much and how graphic it will be when I relive it in my dreams tonight, the latest thing that just started in the last week is it is the first guy that raped me, and instead of biting and cutting my lips (which is actually what happened) he is using a needle to sew my lips together while he lays on top of me, doing what he does. Who would want to talk to me or be my friend when that is what I wake up from and am trying to escape from everyday. That's what a therapist is/was/might-be there for I guess, someone trained and paid to talk about getting my life back on track, helping me practice to keep myself safe, create structure, and to somehow make some sort of life for myself. It wasn't my fault what happened to me. Through my therapy my nightmares were down to 3 or 4 nights a week before ACC disrupted my therapy, and I had over 3 months up without cutting (self-harm) myself, might sound silly, but I was so so proud of myself. Anyway it's not like that now. Not a night goes by without some re-visitation of the men that tortured me.

Anyway, I am probably rambling, I just wanted to check in and wanted to post the letter above, say thanks to the people who in thought or action have been showing some care with what is happening.

Summit Report (Part 1)

On Sunday June 20th 2010 there was the first national Summit held of the Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

It was a fabulous, emotional, scary, inspiring and necessary event.

This is Part (1) of my commentary on the materials and resources I discovered through attending the Summit. (I really wanted to have finished all of this as one by now, but to be honest, I haven't been travelling that well, things got a bit much and I ended up acting out over the weekend, so am still trying to deal with my shame around that and of course, to get through the day)
Part (2) which I'm still working on will be about my own feelings during the day, the lecturers speaking at the Summit and also my experience speaking in front of the Review Panel for the Independent Clinical Review of the Sensitive Claims Pathway for ACC

So in the foyer there was several tables and stations covering a range of topics, below is my words on what I saw was available (unless quoted otherwise), if I have commented on something in error, or if you have further information on any of what I'm discussing it would be great if you wanted to add it as a comment, the more information the better right? Information is Power, and empowerment is where it's at, I reckon!


..........SOSA NZ - Survivors of Sexual Abuse New Zealand
SOSA NZ is a Charitable Trust that was established on 8th June 2010
This is a excerpt taken from the brochure 'First National Survivors of Sexual Abuse Summit June 20, 2010':
"SOSA NZ is a charitable trust that has the aim to provide education, support, information, advocacy, and engage in activities that assist survivors of sexual abuse in their recovery. The intention is to operate nationwide.
This inaugural national summit/hui is the first project of SOSA NZ and it is hope that many similar projects will follow. Further projects will be decided by the membership of SOSA NZ."
There are too many people (and I'd hate to miss someone) for me to start trying to list and thank all the wonderful people involved in organising the Summit, but it seems clear from looking at the Trust Deed that 3 integral people involved in the formation are Gudrun Frerichs, Christine Hatcher, and Tania Blomfield. So a big BRAVO to these women from me!
Like alot of wonderful services in New Zealand it's seems as if a large part of the future of SOSA NZ and what they are able to achieve will be about the financial resources they can make use of, there was lots of discussion on the day of how wonderful it would be to make it a annual event, and how awesome it would be to have it all of the main cities. So membership is possible by clicking here and downloading a membership form, for the very low price of $10 it is possible to support and be involved.
Contact Details: newzealandsosa@gmail.com


..........Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP
The wonderful staff were not only on hand with a table full of pamphlets, booklets, info-factsheets, etc, but I also have to say that through out the day I met at least four of HELP's staff member's volenteering to be there for the day, some were wearing 'two hats', as a volenteer, and also there as a Survivor themselves.
As I say I have a whole bundle of stuff that I grabbed from their table, when I was having a chat I told them about my blog and that hopefully I would be able to write a posting about the Summit with listing some of the resources that I found, so that way anyone reading who wanted to attend, and couldn't, maybe there might be something little somewhere in my post that give them a new angle to try to help themselves. Anyway, then they really started giving me heaps of stuff!
So obviously I can't reproduce all their literature below, but I am going to write a list of the names of the pamphlets & brochures, if there is anything that think might help you, I'm sure that HELP can probably post you out the info.
- Survivors of Recent Sexual Assault (pamphlet)
- Privacy - what we do with the things you tell us (pamphlet)
- Caregiver Support For Parents Of Young People - This pamphlet is for caregivers who are supporting a daughter following a sexual assault or disclosure of ongoing sexual abuse. (pamphlet)
- Court Preparation Services - provided to assist women and adolescent girls who have survived sexual abuse and are about to enter the court process (pamphlet)
- Telephone Services (pamphlet)
- Counselling for Survivors - a guide to services available for women and children who have experienced rape and/or sexual abuse either historically or recently. It may also be useful for family and friends who are supporting survivors of sexual violence(pamphlet)
- For SURVIVORS of Childhood Sexual Abuse (pamphlet)
- Understanding Flashbacks - (no description here but just a note from me, I took some time to sit down on the day and read over this one, it might sound weird but in a way I found it validating to read things about them, when sometimes my flashbacks make me doubt my own sanity, this is a good one, worth getting a copy with re-assuring language and easy to understand good tips) (factsheet)
- Information for Friends, Family, and Partners - 'What is Rape?' (factsheet)
- The Ripple Effects of Sexual Abuse - Impacts on Survivors and Families, How to Help (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- One Path Ahead - Reporting the Abuse/Assault (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- Understanding Sexual Abuse - Who, Why, How? (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)

The last 3 Booklets listed I was told have only just recently been put together. My impression is that they are of a very high standard being between 26-30 pages in each. I myself haven't managed to read all of them yet, as it gone back to me being triggered as easily as I was 2 or 3 years ago, and the following process of managing my triggers is not as good either (just writing that want to cry in frustration and shame in myself at my deterioration of coping abilities, anyway I'll take a break now and then come back to it) but the couple of pages I have managed to read seemed very HELPful!

Contact Details:
Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation
Ph: (09) 6231700 (24 hours) Fax: (09) 6231296
Email: crisisteam@sexualabusehelp.org.nz
Web: www.asah.org.nz


..........stop
.........demand.
This is a pamphlet that I picked up on the day. After the day I had a chance to sit down and really read the pamphlet and I went on to look at the website. The best way to explain this Foundation is to quote from their own words:

"Vision
To live in a world free of sexual violence and sexual exploitation
Mission
To promote a world free of all forms of sexual violence against, and sexual exploitation of, children with a particular focus on challenging the demand for sex with children
Objectives
Stop Demand
Raises public awareness on the extent of all forms of sexual violence against children
Calls for global action to stop all forms of sexual violence against children
Addresses demand issues within the child sex trade and other forms of sexual violence against children
Works with government, inter-governmental and non-governmental agencies to stop sexual violence against children
Mobilizes the community, in particular the male community, to stop all forms of sexual violence against children"

It looks like a fantastic organisation that is really focused about PREVENTION (remember Prevention is better than Cure!)
Contact Details are: www.stopdemand.org or action@stopdemand.org


..........CELEBRATE RECOVERY
This is an organisation that I previously had not heard of before the Summit. They had a display table with quite a large range of literature (pamphlets) available. There was also a person attending the table who was really lovely to talk to, and said they had been a member of one of these groups for many years, and testified to the benefits. It looks as if it is 12 Step based a strong community group support element. I have copied this quote from their website:

"The Celebrate Recovery ministry seeks to see people grow spiritually and be freed from their hurts, hang-ups and habits.
Celebrate Recovery supports people to be freed from their addictions by encouraging fellowship and celebrating God’s healing power in their lives as they work their way along the road to recovery.
It is designed to help people:
seeking recovery and accountability in areas such as anger, anxiety, depression, eating issues, sexual impurity; or
hurting from things done to them in the past or things they have done to others; or
needing an outlet for pain or grief they are suffering."

For further enquiries contacts:
Libby Hunt, Massey Community Trust
8 Vadam Road, Massey, Auckland
info@celebraterecovery.co.nz


..........Women's Bookshop
Ah, there was tables virtually heaving with some excellent books. I spotted a few that I already owned and were firm favourites. They had everything from the classics like 'The Courage To Heal' to book's by New Zealand authors like 'Surviving and Moving On: For Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (revised ed.)' by Kim McGregor. I actually tried to not spend too much time browsing (15mins) because it was torture seeing all these excellent helpful books and knowing I couldn't afford any on the day. BUT there were several titles that I will be able to look out for in the future. I couldn't really begin to list all the different aspects of Abuse and Recovery that there were books about, but if you can think of it I can pretty much guarantee that the Women's Bookshop has a book about it. Just as an aside I have been into their shop on Ponsonby Road and have always felt very comfortable and safe, not only browsing but also in asking the staff all manner of questions to help find what I am looking for. Even though I couldn't afford to buy on the day it was a pleasant surprise to see they were present at the Summit. The great thing about The Women's Bookshop is for all those out of Auckland (or like me, and maybe not able to get out of the house so much at the mo) they also have a well set-up online store.

Contact Details:
105 Ponsonby Road, Ponsonby, AUCKLAND
books@womensbookshop.co.nz
Monday-Friday 10.00am to 6.00pm
Saturday & Sunday 10.00am to 5.00pm
Ph:+64 9 376 4399 Fax +64 9 376 4365


Ok, so that is the limit of what I managed to pick up on the day from the different tables. I know that there was more info there that I didn't manage to grab, one group I know had some info there but I didn't seem to end up with anything is:

..........ECPAT International - End Child Prostitution Child Pornography and ..........Trafficing of Children for Sexual Purposes
I don't know a huge amount about this organisation but from a quick look at their website it looks like they do some amazing work all over the world.
"Vision
Realisation of the right of all children to live free of child prostitution, child pornography and child trafficking for sexual purposes.
Mission
ECPAT International is a global network of organisations and individuals working together for the elimination of child prostitution, child pornography and the trafficking of children for sexual purposes. It seeks to encourage the world community to ensure that children everywhere enjoy their fundamental rights free and secure from all forms of commercial sexual exploitation."

Apologies to any organisations I have missed in my Part(1) attempt of covering some of the info from the Summit. I hope that there will be further Unity gained through these avenues and connections. And like I said previously, really appreciate any gaps in the information I've written above.

Sometime in the coming days (hopefully days, not weeks) I'll publish Part(2).
Thanks for all the extra support over the last week. I don't know where to start with where my head is at right now, so I'm just going to publish this post (FINALLY! it's been a work in progress for a week now! that's right, has taken a WHOLE week just to write the above, would you believe I used to be able to do a 2000 word essay the night before it was due and still get at least a B+).