Shortland Street

Yes, I watch it, sometimes - this doesn't mean I don't watch Campbell live which I can watch on TV3+1 after. And I am a far cry from some 'Coro-Street Watchers' that I know, that if they are not home, or organised the recording of their beloved episode will try nothing short of extreme manipulation to have the tellie changed to watch it at someone else's house.

I was just thinking watching it about which of the character's I would like a copy of in my life. I guess that must be part of successful tv, for it to seem something imprint-able. I would like to have Rachel as a friend, I think with everything she has been through she would be quite understanding of what's going on in my life. I would like to have an older brother like Hunter, with the protective-when-needed mates. I think I would like to have Tracie as a friend too, she seems no nonsense, like would be supportive of helping me deal with situations that happen that I still seem to lose myself in.

Today it was 2 for 1 at the dvd shop. Most of the time these days I know that dvds are not something that I can afford. But I'd had a particularly bad night. I've been quite low for a bit, and then I managed to embarrass myself on National Radio last night. I rung up The Nutters Club on Radiolive, just to say hi and to give some ups to the Guest, a guy named Ronnie, who just had this awesome story of adversity in his life and just really overcoming it, and continuing to want and work on a positive life. But instead of sounding like a rational human being when I was on-air I ended up bursting into tears. Anyway, I had a shitty night, trying to distract myself with things like trying to read a book but the memories and images in my head just wouldn't go away and I felt like putting my head through a window just to escape.

After having no sleep last night I spent a couple of hours this morning trying to go to sleep and just couldn't, so I thought 'what the hell' with less than $50 left on my almost maxed out credit card, I who am and have been so careful micro-managing every dollar I spend, when I make it to the supermarket buying the cheapest of everything, not buying anything like clothes or going to a movie or anything like dinner or a show in over a year now... but I was so despondent this morning that I thought, f*%k it, and went and got a dvd.

I've what has been happening is all the crappy things that have happened in my life, around me or too me, everything physically, mentally, sexually awful, everything from nasty put-downs to car accidents, to the beatings and worse. When I think back to all that stuff, every single time, every single time I had to do the next hour, the next day, whatever, as if I was ok, there was no 'time' or 'space' or 'whatever' for me to think or deal or reflect or process. Alot of times it was essential for me survival and sanity to try and push it all down in my head, as far away from myself as quickly as possible so I could try and look after myself the next hour or the next day. This is the worst it's ever been, with the flashbacks and the memories and I don't know how to make them stop. I refuse to act out on my addiction and revert to being an active addict, not because I am so brave or strong or anything, just because I know that it doesn't really actually work and it will leave me even sicker and in more pain than I am in now.

I am trying to just keep doing the next right thing. But I hate where I am, I hate the disgusting things that go through my head when I fall asleep. I hate that things were starting to get better with my therapy, especially last year, and that now it is worse than ever. I wish I had known my treatment was going to get chopped off half way through, I probably would have never bothered trying.

I don't know how to stop the pain, how to stop crying.

Someone said that it is 'human nature to not want to discuss the kinds of things I am upset about', and that hurt me, it makes me feel dirty and ashamed and sad and angry...but also on some level I actually understand and agree with them. I need to keep in mind that I've spent almost 20 years running from all this shit, and just because it's spilling out of my soul right now it doesn't mean that anyone else should know or want to deal with it, it's just about driving me, well, driving me somewhere dark with the spill.

I've just had a few weeks with a very kind therapist who kindly gave me a discounted rate, for the first few sessions I had the financial support of a loan of money in the form of weekly payments. That stopped. So I started just using my credit card. That has run out now. My mortgage is going up this week by $30 (it's a 100% mortgage basically if anyone wants to have a go about me 'owning a house'), my power, water, insurances have all gone up over the last couple of months. Before these financial changes I had $39 budgeted a week for food. I keep hearing John Key on the news saying that with the new Budget and GST that no one with be worse off. I keep thinking that he must be talk about me, no-one. I have no idea how things are meant to come together practically in my life and I think I am unable to work it all out.

I am often to scared to have a shower, figure that one out. I am like this person who has so much potential, I could do some good things, I don't need anything fancy like fame or wealth. A simple job, maybe helping people or animals would be nice. We don't remain static, for years I managed by going sideways in my life, then I stopped 8 years ago and started to try and go forward. Slowly slowly, baby steps. Now I am sinking. As of October 2009 I have been sinking.

These are my ramblings probably. I can't re-read what I have written and edit it. I'd give a progress update on my STUFF with ACC, but there is no progress, no updates. Nothing.

Just a girl, not wanting any negative judgement right now, I have enough thanks.