Stupid O'Clock

That's right, it's what I affectionatly like to think of as stupid o'clock. It's actually sometime between 3-4am, I've been up for an hour or so. I went to sleep and got a couple of hours before a bad dream, and decided that even though I am tired enough to probably get back to sleep eventually, that I just don't want to. That there is probably 50% less chance of the dreams being not-so-hard to deal with if I go back to sleep once the sun comes up, so that's what I'm doing. I feel like I am being a petulant child, making a statement like that, I guess it's because it seems like something that is not really the 'best' thing to do, like not the most 'functional' thing to do, to just stay up for the rest of the night.

It seems like alot of my choices that I have left are things like that these days.

I started this blog never knowing whether it would see the light of day, for the first few posts and months treating it like a private diary that I didn't know whether or not I would make public. BUT THEN I eventually did, and I must say that it has been a different experience writing once people 'know who I am', I am a little bit more self-conscious I guess, with a bit less anonymity I have been a bit less secure in the words that I write and what others think of them and me. In tandem with the hugely invalidating experience I have been going through with ACC my sense of self that was fragile at the best of times, is something that I just can't seem to find at the moment. I've basically stopped posting on Twitter. This was something that I did before 'all this ACC stuff', I was just another person on that social media site. One of the comments that I have received on this blog was a negative judgement on me for tweeting my blogposts. I guess it's just another one of those things that when one is not doing that great anyway, I'm not really feeling confident enough now to go on there, the good thing about the site was that it was allowing me to connect at a time when isolation has been something I've been battling with, but now if I start to write any comments on there I can hear all these negative voices in my head of people judging me for what I say.

I started writing this blog after a conversation with a person, who at the time, was a very dear friend. This person was privy to some of the finer details of what was occurring with ACC and me, this was actually the person that I phoned after I recieved that phone call from ACC back in October last year telling me I only 5 sessions of therapy left, but to have a good day. Anyway, so sometime after I rang that person, I had collapsed almost screaming on the floor of the hospital, I could barely get the words out, my brain couldn't comprehend I don't think what was happening, or maybe it was the opposite, my brain could suddenly see forward with what was going to occur to me and in my life with my therapy disrupted and taken away. Anyway sometime after when I saw this person (someone who had known me for quite a long time, through good & bad times) we were talking and they said they likened it to what happened to the Jews at Auschwitz, and they said that it was important that there were people that made it through this because it wasn't going to all get better overnight, and it was important that when it came time to hold accountability for what was happening, for the decisions and actions being carried out by ACC staff members, that the way that victims of awful awful things were being treated when they were only trying to get help, ahhh, I can't even finish this sentence off properly I am too emotional. But I hope you get where I am going with this, and what I mean.

This is the reason that I did the newspaper article in the Sunday Star Times, because what I believe is that what ACC is doing with Sensitive Claims AND to all the victims of rape, sexual abuse, and sexual trauma is so very very wrong.

For me personally there is so much more I want to write, but I just can't. I'm not really doing so well I guess. Things arn't really looking that hopeful. One day is blending into another and the only thing really keeping me going right now is trying to look after Molly (my dog), and even that I am only just managing to do. There are some days when I can't even manage to walk her and I feel sorry for something else that is being negatively affected by my disfunction.