Parliament Q&A on ACC (17/08/10) & Denise Cosgrove has a Laugh

I know that Annalise has covered this already in her excellent blog The Swamp Report, with not only the text but also the video available to watch. I don't have sound on my old clunker of a laptop, but I get the daily 'Posting to Parliament Wire of Scoop' from scoop.co.nz (very handy, can just organise quite simply on their site a whole range of things to be sent to your email daily or weekly), so basically I get the daily Questions & Answers from Parliament in my email inbox within 24hrs of them sitting. It's good for me because I'm not always up to going online every day, and I believe that WE have the right AND should take advantage of that right to know exactly What Is Going On In Parliamentary Sessions.
So the below is quoted from the Scoop Q&A Email I received, it refers to number 3 of the 12 questions in the house that day, the 17 August 2010

Accident Compensation—Sensitive Claims and Sexual Abuse Victims

3. Hon ANNETTE KING (Deputy Leader—Labour) to the Minister for ACC: Does he stand by his statement on Radio New Zealand’s Checkpoint programme of 12 August 2010 “I’m not satisfied that ACC has handled the issue of counselling services for sensitive claims that well. I’m going to await the final report from the independent clinical panel before drawing final conclusions.”; if so, why?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH (Minister for ACC): Yes, I do. I have been consistently cautious about interfering in the clinical decisions of the Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) in this sensitive area. But given the level of concern from colleagues and the
public I have established an independent clinical panel to review the corporation’s approach. That panel is doing a very professional and thorough job.

Hon Annette King: Does he now accept that he was warned by clinicians, by survivors, by he National Council of Women, and by 3,976 people who, last October, signed a petition that stated: “By doing nothing and allowing these changes to occur unhindered you are choosing to make recovery from horrific abuse harder for some
of the most vulnerable members of this society.”?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I draw the member’s attention to the advice from the Royal New Zealand Colleague of General Practitioners, and I quote what it said in November last year: “All the clinical evidence suggests that the new approach ACC is adopting will
be in the best interests of the patient”. Given that sort of advice I have been cautious about getting involved in a clinical debate where I am not well qualified, but in response to the concerns of colleagues like Chester Borrows, Jackie Blue, and
Nikki Kaye, I have set up an independent clinical panel and I will be ensuring that the advice of that panel is taken by the ACC to ensure that we are providing proper care for people who are sexually abused.

Hon Annette King: Did the ACC advise him that the process to change the clinical framework or clinical pathway was started under a Labour Government as he has claimed many times; if so, when?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: Yes, that is the advice I have received. There was concern in the research that was commissioned in 2003, at Massey University, by the previous Government. The key element—and I am not an expert on the clinical issues—is that the clinical concern in that research was that unlimited counselling would do more harm than good for sensitive claimants. I am advised by the ACC that the changes in the pathway were begun in 2008.

Michael Woodhouse: What steps has the Minister taken to try to have the issues over sensitive claims addressed as quickly as possible?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The independent clinical panel wrote to me on 16 July seeking an extension of time until September to enable it to provide a comprehensive report. My concern was that this delay would put back the addressing of the problems in relation
to providing for sensitive and vulnerable claimants. I agreed to the extension until mid-September subject to the panel providing interim recommendations. On receiving those recommendations I immediately wrote to the ACC board seeking their implementation as quickly as possible, which the board has done.

Hon Annette King: In light of the Minister’s answer to my previous question, is he saying that the ACC was not telling the truth when less than 1 month ago, in answer to an official information request, it said: “No work was undertaken on either the clinical framework or the clinical pathway prior to 2009”, and when it also said that the clinical framework was developed by the clinical services directorate in 2009, long after a Labour Government had left?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand—[Interruption]

Mr SPEAKER: I apologise to the Minister. I believe that the member has asked a serious question, and the member’s colleagues should listen to the answer.

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: I stand by the advice I have been given by the ACC, which is that the work on the clinical pathways began in 2008, prior to the change of Government, as those documents make plain. Labour has tried to politicise this issue, but the
changes in sensitive claims have been totally driven by the ACC’s clinicians, not by Ministers. They have not been driven by Cabinet but by clinicians trying to do their very best for sensitive claimants.

Hon Annette King: I seek leave to table a document from the ACC, dated 30 July 2010, that points out that no work was done on the clinical framework or clinical pathway prior to 2009.

Mr SPEAKER: Leave is sought to table that document. Is there any objection? There is no objection. Document, by leave, laid on the Table of the House.

Hon Annette King: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. The Minister said that he had quoted from official documents from the ACC. I ask that he table them.

Mr SPEAKER: No, I do not believe that the Minister had an official document in his hand when he was answering that question.

Michael Woodhouse: What were underlying concerns that the ACC had that led to the changes, and has the Minister received any advice on whether those concerns were valid?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: The concern that the corporation’s clinicians had, backed up by comprehensive research, was that ongoing unlimited counselling of victims of sexual abuse could lead to more harm than good. The clinical panel has confirmed the validity of this research and the need for professional oversight by psychiatrists
and psychologists to ensure that long-term counselling is both beneficial and appropriate. I am advised by the clinical panel that where the corporation erred was in requiring such an assessment for all claimants when insufficient professional support was not available, resulting in unacceptable delays in providing care. I am confident that with the support and advice of the independent clinical panel we can improve the support provided for sensitive claimants.

Craig Foss: I raise a point of order, Mr Speaker. During that exchange, and prior to it, the member Darren Hughes questioned whether the Minister was telling the truth, quite a few times. Members cannot do that; all members are honourable. I ask that
the member reflect on that and withdraw.

Mr SPEAKER: The member has taken offence, and, strictly, the member should not imply—

Hon Darren Hughes: I was very careful in what I said, Mr Speaker. I—

Mr SPEAKER: The member will not repeat what he said. I heard very clearly what the member said. Another member has taken offence. A member should not imply that another member is not telling the truth. I ask the Hon Darren Hughes to stand, withdraw, and
apologise.

Hon Darren Hughes: I withdraw and apologise.

Mr SPEAKER: Lynne Pillay; a supplementary question. [Interruption]
I say to the Labour front bench that I have called one of their colleagues. I expect them to show some courtesy to their own colleague.

Lynne Pillay: Will the Minister now require the ACC to identify the estimated 2,000 people who were unable to participate in his Government’s accident compensation process because it was too traumatic; and will he offer them counselling?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: As of Monday the corporation is offering 16 counselling sessions for those people who seek the services of counsellors. The corporation will work through a final solution when the full report is available from the independent clinical panel. I point out to the members opposite who are interjecting
that way in excess of 2,000 accident compensation claimants were turned down for counselling during the time of the previous Government. In fact, when Labour was in Government, half of those who sought counselling were turned down.

Hon Annette King: When the Minister said in the Nelson Mail last week that “Some days I’m in politics and I think ‘What the hell am I doing?’.”, will he now accept that the victims of his bungled policy are asking the same question?

Hon Dr NICK SMITH: It is a pity that the member chooses to selectively quote. The overwhelming point I would make—[Interruption] Well, the comment was made in reference to visiting an oil rig in Tasman Bay, and I am not sure that that is particularly relevant to the issue of sensitive claims. Members opposite have attempted to play politics with this highly sensitive issue. [Interruption]
They have—they have played it for all it is worth, when all the papers show that this issue is, in essence, a clinical issue in which neither I as Minister nor the board, for that matter, has made substantive decisions.

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA1008/S00258/questions-and-answers-17-august-2010.htm

I am posting this to allow anyone reading my blog to be able to stay informed. I know I have one very loyal 'blog supporter' (Ringonz/Chris, thanks for your comments, at the very least it's nice sometimes to know that at least one person is reading this), and I know there are others who have kindly lent their supportive comments when possible.

With regard to the above I think I am almost too tired to have an opinion, but go Annette King! Right?! As I've said before I'm not out to vilify ACC or any particular individuals but in the 're-structuring' of a kind, fair, viable and functional Unit or Service to provide the financial assistance for Survivors of Rape, Sexual Abuse and Assault, with the amount of damage that has been done over the last 10 months, the amount of (needless) pain and suffering that has been caused directly by ACC's (and not just the organisation, INDIVIDUALS who have made choices within that organisation) actions; there is going to need to be some acceptance and accountability for wounds to be soothed. Trust me, by this point, I know that just because I am saying (and am probably right) that it should happen, that it will have any chance of ACTUALLY occurring. It sounds cliche (cause it is), but What Is The World Coming To, or What Have We Come To In NZ with ALL of this.

Some of you either through twitter or not, may know I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was trying to go through ACC documents (I have probably about 10inchs of A4 documents) and was trying to write a 'Solution-Focused' Letter, I had written half a page and was re-reading ACC Communication to me and about me, and I decided that I would like to speak to Denise Cosgrove, just for 5 minutes, with my proposed solutions. I thought that since SHE had chosen to involve herself in my claim that by rights I could request just a couple of minutes of her time. I was very calm at this stage.
Anyway, 2 hours and many phone calls later, it was obvious that Ms Cosgrove was never going to speak to me. By this stage I had progressed far past calm to very very upset. The kick in the teeth was when I discovered after an hour or so transferred around the Sensitive Claims Unit was that Denise works in the 'Corporate Office', the number of which is on ACC's 'Contact Us By Phone Page', so I rang that number and it was answered by a woman called Natalie or something like that. I asked to speak to Denise and she said that she could put me through to Eleni Simons, PA to GM Claims Management, ACC (Denise's Assistant?), so she put me through.
At this point it was one those surreal moments, it picked up straight away and I could hear a woman speaking, but it was like when someone's mobile phone rings you from their bag and you can hear them speaking but from a distance. She obviously had no idea that I was connected there, listening to her speaking to someone. She was saying

"yeah I know, it's the second client that's tried to get through here today so I'm just not going to take any calls at all"

then there was a pause as she was listening to someone else speak I guess, and THEN I HEARD HER SAY,

"oh yeah, well I'm definitely not talking to THEM" and then she laughed.

I'm sitting on the end of the phone just wanting 2 minutes of this person's time, calm, but with tears streaming down my face, and then when I heard that I lost it. It was at that point I heard the clunking noise of a receiver being replaced and then I was cut off. Even though I was hysterically upset I phoned back, just to see if it was true what I had overheard her saying, and was told by the person answering the phone that there was no way Eleni or Denise would speak to me.

So yesterday turned out to be a write-off, a nightmare for me, I ended up letting myself down by self-harming, and in the grips of my PTSD could not see why there was any point in my life.
Today I am just holding on for a bit. I must resemble something from 'One flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest', and I might be a little nuts, but I AM NOT CRAZY.
I can't believe she laughed.

ACC ignores me, again, i just don't matter.

This is an email that I sent to the following Staff Members at ACC on Wednesday 11th August. It is now Saturday and I have had no response, acknowledgement, or anything in anyway in reply, let alone an actual answer to my question. I'm not even worth an acknowledgement.

Subject: Urgent Question regarding recent Press Release
T0:Selena Dominguez selena.dominguez@acc.co.nz; Rachael Stephenson rachael.stephenson@acc.co.nz; Jen Lofthouse jen.lofthouse@acc.co.nz; Michelle Wogen michelle.wogan@acc.co.nz

Dear Jen,

I understand that you are my acting Case Manager in Michelle Wogan's absence. However I am uncertain if Michelle Wogan is my Case Manager as there was a written agreement in my file to inform in writing myself and my Treatment Providers if there is a change in Case Manager, and this has not happened. I have had no information otherwise that my Case Manager has been changed from Selena Dominguez, except as an aside on the ending of a Cover Letter with a Courier Package I recieved from ACC recently.

In regards to this confusion I am copying this to not only Michelle, but also to Selena, and also to Rachael Stephenson who I understand to be the new General Manager. As you can see I am also copying this to **** **** as my treating Psychotherapist and also **** ****, my ACC Advocate. I would like your reply correspondence to be cc'd to these two people.
With regard to the recent media release made by ACC: http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/print.html?path=PO1008/S00131/extra-support-for-sexual-abuse-survivors.htm as in this link, I need a fairly urgent reply to the Question:

Under the terms of this Information will I be granted immediate subsidised care?

I think I probably know the answer to this but I require an answer in writing urgently, before the end of working day tomorrow, Thursday 12 August.

Regards
Danielle Martin

You see, on Wednesday, when all the 'NEWS' started coming out with regards to ACC Sensitive Claims as I've said in a previous post I was doing my best to understand what it all meant.
Though I am an ardent Supporter of most of the Organisations, People and Services under the 'Helpful Sites/Info for Survivors' box to the right of the screen; AND also part of writing this blog, exposing my 'story' publicly and speaking out IS ABOUT ME BELIEVING IN THE NEED FOR A FAIR AND JUST SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR SURVIVING VICTIMS OF RAPE, SEXUAL ABUSE & TRAUMA, and me have been trying to do 'my bit' in anyway I can for other's currently and those to come who through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN MAY HAVE NEED OF A SAFE SERVICE.
I am also a Victim/Survivor myself, who has been on what I can only describe as a Roller-coaster Ride (provided by ACC) in the Theme-Park called life. Now I've been through the 'House of Horrors', the 'Mirrored Maze', and even the 'Ghost Train'. It's been a 'Roller-coaster Ride' that I have had no way to get off of, there has been no 'this way out' provided. It has been going round and round and up and down, going slowly sometimes and never knowing whether there is a sharp turn or a scream inducing drop up next. I have been treated at best like a problem to be dealt with, at worst AS A NOTHING, just a claim number and a statistic that will drop through the crack.

You will notice in the above email that I refer to 'my current treating Psychotherapist', I am now, and have been for sometime in the position that if I want to see any of my Treatment Provider's that I have try and borrow money that I have no idea if and when I'll be able to pay back or try to understand and accept offers of heavily discounted services, when in all truth that is not really fair on them.

I've been trying to scan/upload/attach the relevant documents so you could see them for yourself, so they are on here as proof, but I am tired and not tech-savy enough to manage it. So you'll have to believe me that a quote from the letter that I received on 30 July 2010 from ACC says:

"ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House..."

Segar House, that old chestnut... I don't have the energy to write ALL the information attaching ALL the links here. It's all through my posts, it's not where I am 'meant' to be going, except according to Denise Cosgrove, Peter Jensen, and Gillian Pow.

I am tired, I am don't have any 'BRAVE' left, I am so very tired of being so scared, I am so ashamed of the way I am.

ACC - Turn Around OR Running For Cover

Starting yesterday there's been a flurry of activity online with Articles, Media Releases, Tweets and Blogposts relating to ACC Sensitive Claims.

The first I was aware of was through a couple of emails, one from a friend with a cut and paste version of the media statement & then, the latest Blogpost from Kyle MacDonald - "Off the Couch - Light at the end of the tunnel?"

Reading through this I also checked online and read the ACC Media Release on Scoop entitled "Extra support for sexual abuse survivors", but printed it off and went and sat down outside for a few minutes to read it properly, and digest WHAT IT ALL REALLY MEANS. (with the beginning of suspicious feelings at the use of the words "Provides Extra Support", when in fact there has been NO support for many months, does 'Extra' = 'drop in the proverbial bucket of crisis', AND is this a seemingly predictable National PR action of take everything away/threaten or action worse case scenario AND THEN once the terror of it all with time has sunk in, the 'HANDOUT' (pittance) is so gratefully received that 'The People' only see this 'White Knight Approach' to a big old dragon actually created by the Knight in the first place)

Firstly, and thankfully, that someone walking into a Counselor's/Treatment Provider's office, either through self-referral or through something like a GP or Hospital or even Victim Support referral, 'New Claimants/Victims' CAN GET IMMEDIATE HELP; This is a GOOD thing.. They will be able to see someone without having to wait weeks for 'Assessment' with nothing, and they WILL be able to make an appointment for the next week, and KNOW that it will be a subsidised appointment. Something that's been heavy in my heart through all of this is the people who have been raped last week, yesterday, or next week, or now need (cause it's always a 'need', trust me when it's not a 'want') to deal with their past trauma ARE ABLE TO GET IMMEDIATE assistance.

It was after popping on to Twitter this morning, that I suddenly felt enraged with some of the tweets I was seeing (not at the tweeter's themselves!), with the feeling that perception might be swayed that it's all on the mend, when that is not quite the case at all, YET. It was tweets like the following:

@NZStuff ACC reverses funding cuts for sexual abuse victims http://bit.ly/9XHdoN

@3NewsNZ Rape Prevention group welcomes ACC u-turn http://ow.ly/18x0lc

@TVNZNews ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on fu... http://bit.ly/aURVuG #TVNZ News

@newsnz ACC reverses funding cuts for sex victims: Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has backed down on funding cuts... http://bit.ly/atvrTw

All of the above would LEAD ME (if I didn't know better) to think Everything Is Going To Be Ok With ACC Sensitive Claims Now. Phew! The People can relax.

IF THIS IS THE BEGINNING of a 'turn-around' with the Review Panel's Statement, Influence and Report coming in September heralding Serious Changes and Healing, then Bravo. (Click here for official Statement from Review Panel)

BUT what I propose and suspect to be the ACTUAL TRUTH around what is occurring is ACC (and in essence the National Party and Nick Smith) are scrambling for cover with the intitial report of the Review Panel's 'Concerns' and are offering an Option which is in fact the Same Option that was proposed by the Minister of 16 Subsidised Sessions when all this life & death Po-lava began last year.

We must not forget in our gratitude for this 'hand out' such realities as:

Real reasons for change in abuse claims policy
Sunday, 22 November 2009, 12:40 pm
Press Release: New Zealand Association of Counsellors
Press Statement from the New Zealand Association of Counsellors 21:11:09
"ACC comes clean about real reasons for change in Sexual Abuse Claims Policy
ACC Southern Manager Karen Walsh, speaking at Fairlie Lions Club on Thursday 19 November revealed that it is ACC policy to reduce the number of Sensitive Claims" ... (click title link to read on for the details)

.
OR to QUICKLY TRUST ONE MEDIA RELEASE from THE SAME ORGANISATION that brought us:

Enhancing ACC support for sexual abuse survivors
Friday, 16 October 2009, 4:28 pm Press Release: ACC
ACC Media Release 16 October 2009
"Enhancing ACC support for survivors of sexual abuse with a mental injury
• Changes reflect four years’ work aimed at improving client outcomes
• ACC committed to working with sector to implement, review and refine changes
• New approach reflects evidence-based, best practice
From 27 October 2009, ACC will introduce some changes to enhance the way it manages sensitive claims – that is, claims for mental injury resulting from sexual abuse or sexual assault.
“The changes will initially apply to new claims only, and are designed to build on the level of care, understanding and support we currently provide to all clients who have survived the trauma of sexual abuse or assault but have a resulting mental injury,” says ACC’s Chief Executive, Dr Jan White." (click title link if you would like to read on and get to the real juicy stuff)...

However, (and I will be brief here, because I don't want to dilute the above)then I needed to work out what it meant for me, after the last 10 months I've learnt to be very careful indeed in paying attention to ACC Wording. What it means for me and many more 'like me' is TOUGH LUCK at the moment, just keep waiting out in the cold basically (and it's basically hailing golf-ball sized hailstones out there now). Call me skeptical, wary OR CALL ME A VICTIM (trying to Survive) OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL VIOLENT ATTACKS WITH PROVABLE DIAGNOSED PTSD THAT HAS BEEN THE VICTIM OF ACC'S DISRESPECT AND NEGLECT NOW FOR OVER 10 MONTHS, WITHOUT ANY OPTION OF SUBSIDISED CARE WHILE AT TIMES BEGGING FOR HELP.

Please consider that when you read the ACC Media Release by ACC involving
Ms Denise Cosgrove
"ACC sex abuse claims 'badly handled'"
And finally, in the midst of all the seemingly oh-so-positive spin on the ACC Sensitive Claims announcements, it was somewhat of a relief to read the following article to know it wasn't just me that is seeing through the cracks.

National Still Victimising Sexual Abuse Victims 11 August 2010
Media Statement by Lynne Pillay:
"National still victimising sexual abuse victims
The National Government’s decision to partially back down on a failed cost cutting programme that denied sexual abuse survivors access to counselling doesn’t go far enough, Labour Victims Rights spokesperson Lynne Pillay says." ...(please click the title link to read the WHOLE article, it is VERY enlightening)

Just a girl, in the world, worried for herself and her future.

A Dash of Kindness, A Sprinkle of Sleep, and A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith

I just had FOUR hours sleep in a row!!!
OMG, you have (or you might) no idea how fricken awesome that is for a very over-tired (like almost psychotically!) stressed out, unwell woman. I woke up just after 10pm, and looked at the clock, and was like 'holy crap', I just had 4 hours of uninterrupted healing wonderful sleep, A Sprinkle of Sleep. Okay, so I still had a sharp awakening, but it was only like a 2/10 nightmare wake-up call, kind of the same as being woken up by a very loud quick noise, but then for only a minute or two I was like okay, that was what was just happening (in the dream), but yeah I think I can move on and leave those feelings back there for now. So at almost the middle of the night (I know, not ideal timing of sleeping patterns, but really, I'll take what I can get a the moment) I'm up and can kind of even think a bit clearly for the first time in days without bursting into tears. And it's amazing the restorative powers of sleep as well, my skin, when I am not getting enough sleep seems to age by the hour, and if I have a cut or a spot or anything no matter how much I am careful about it, or antiseptic stuff I use, if I don't get enough sleep it just gets yuckier and doesn't heal, but then just after 4 blissful hours it's like a healing tonic to my body.

Anyway, I'm still tired (yes, you know the positive s*#t can't go on for the WHOLE post) and just want more. I feel like I'm a junkie hanging out for 12 hour nights of rest. Gawd, that would just make everything a little better, actually probably alot better. I saw a therapist today for the first time in 3 weeks (anyone else see connection with productive therapy session and then I got some sleep, hmmm... yes maybe), one of the gifts of my previous time in financially subsidised therapy is my ability to go into that room and be 100% honest no matter how scary it is, or how scared I am about what might come up, come out, or how I'll be after. So that's what I did today. I have been reminded that I still have some gifts from 'before' that I am still utilising, that I haven't lost. Funny, it's about 4 hours on now, about 2am and already I feel like I'm waning again actually, have done a few things though, managed folding some washing, dishes, and made and just ate some food.

Speaking of food it brings me to talking about the Supermarket and that Dash of Kindness. A couple of weeks ago, unexpectedly, a person I didn't expect it from (not that I would expect them not to either, I dunno!) said that they'd be happy to take me to the supermarket. Now this is quite a big deal for me. Why, because me trying to be able to go to the supermarket (read previous posts if you don't get this) is massive at the mo, and ergo it becomes a problem NOT going because obviously that equals no food in the cupboards etcetera. However this person, who I know has limited 'free personal time' seemed quite sincere without making a big deal about it. And I was so ridiculously low on everything, that I not only couldn't afford to not bite the bullet and go (I think I just did a triple negative, hopefully makes sense), but I was struck by trying to be gracious in accepting this kindness. From a person who hadn't read my blog, and even though they may know me well and know I'm going through a 'difficult patch' didn't know quite how dire the situation was regarding the supermarket, anxiety, and then of course the follow on to actual having and eating food (apparently important). Anyway, so this is a couple of weeks ago, they pushed the trolly, apparently happy to just wait patiently and calmly in the fruit & vege section which is where I always need to spend the most time but which I find the most stressful (layout, people moving in unexpected directions etc), by the time we had got to the dairy food section I was like 'hey, I'm SO doing this, and I am OK'. Without even realising it having been chatting about just stuff, normal stuff, for alot of the circuit. When we got to the check-out with the ridiculously long queues they asked if I was good to wait by myself while they went and got a coffee, and you know what, I was. So I said yes, and they went off. I knew I only had about $x and so strategically placed stuff for if/when the total reached my limit, and bang on about 2/3's of the way through, it did. The lady was very nice about it, I was embarrassed, normally I am running in, getting one panic bag of shopping, anyway so the eggs, kumura, cheese etc were handed over with my apologies for the hassle for them having to put them back. Anyway, the person then turned back up just after I paid, THEN when they realised I'd had to put stuff back, asked if I'd like them to just pay for the extra. I didn't want that, so said no, and IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. We just moved on to put the stuff in the car.
I know this may seem like a large amount of time, energy and words to devote to a visit to the supermarket, but firstly it's because the kindness of someone allowed something large for me to momentarily become something of much less time, energy and stress...AND there is also more. THEN in the weekend just gone, out of their way they offered again to do this. I was like, 'look, you don't need to be like okay I have to take Danielle to the supermarket every week or something', but they said it was fine, and so trying to be gracious again, (and also needing food and more scared of the alternative than wanting to act out on some difficulty in understanding kindness) we again went to the supermarket. As we were pulling into the car-park I thought, and said 'you know, after last time, I'm not as scared today, about going in there I mean'. We didn't need to workshop it or anything, but it was nice to be able to say that. I won't take you through every section again, but I was able to get the things I had to put back the week before, still being careful, and comfortable enough to take the time (in front of someone I knew without I think being judged) to chose the $2.57 teabags instead of the $3.59 ones, because on my budget that's what I need to do. So the end of the story is I have food in the cupboard and in the fridge. And even though I may have difficulty in remembering to eat, or keeping food down sometimes (stress or sickness, not a eating disorder), it's lovely feeling that there is more than just 2 minutes noodles there, and that kindness exists (with no string, catches, conditions or requirements, apart from maybe a little acceptance).

And to close on, A Very Small Pinch of Nick Smith. It was the Thursday night news on TV3 I think 2 weeks ago (I'd go and find the link to the clip because it's so compelling BUT my AGED laptop stopped functioning with sound last year, bit limiting with what I can do BUT I can still write!), anyway, it was the 6pm news and I was washing dishes (I do one load of dishes a day, I save them for night time, there is nothing like doing the dishes to warm me up, blissful heat through the gloves, with me being a wee bit under-weight my circulation isn't great and my hands get so cold). I digress, and it will dilute what I am trying to say, stay on point Danielle. So TV3 6 O'Clock evening News, Thursday week before last, it was a clip about a river or some sort of waterway in Canterbury, in the South Island. And even though I couldn't see the television I heard 'and Nick Smith...' and my ears perked up to concentrate. So it was him (Nick Smith) speaking, something like:

'Well, it's important that we take 12 or even 18 months to make the right decision about this because the implications of it will be felt for at least the next 40 or 50 years, so what's a year in the scheme of things with making the right decision to get the right on-going effects'

It was something very similar to that. I actually had to go and sit down as soon as I heard it, in my bedroom, on my bed, and have a cry. I guess that's why it's stuck with me, the words (I may not have the total exact quote, but I'm sure I'm pretty close). I wish that it had been a clip 10 Months ago (yes, it's been that long people) about the ACC Sensitive Claims, and that he'd been saying that same statement then. It's been going round and round in my head, so hopefully sharing it here will help.

It was $1 dvd day at my dvd shop today (for all dvd's apart from New Releases). I have a wonderful DVD Shop, and if it wasn't for the aspect of anonymity I try to maintain on here I would tell you where it is, with the would-be-intention of sending business their way. The owner is very kind, he works during the daytime Monday to Friday mainly. And I avoid going in at busy times (weekends), and don't leave the house alone at night (so basically never), so from when I moved here last year we chat whenever I pop in occasionally. So I splashed out and got a couple of $1 dvds. I am now going to go and sit down with my hot water bottle and blanket and cup of 'relaxing' herbal tea and watch 'What Just Happened'.

Just a girl, in the world, with faith and hoping for hope

Piece of Me, Through Another's Eyes

A few days ago I made the decision to email the link to this blog to a selection of people. It's important for me to try and convey the degree of how much I was a private person (hard maybe to understand with a recent tell-all story in Sunday Star Times!), but to that effect it was only a few months ago as things as my situation started to become more difficult that I even made this blog publicly accessible. Of course most people have a certain degree of privacy about certain aspects of their life, and I had kept some pretty awful secrets for many years, even though their effects occasionally would come out sideways and was not something that I could always hide. And again, obviously, those effects would then be felt by others, often unfairly.

Anyway, so I thought that with things becoming even more untenable that there were some people that deserved the opportunity to have access to my blog. I was quite selective with who I sent it to, but obviously my contact with the world has seriously deteriorated since October 2009 and well, yeah, I guess that is as much of an explanation that my sleep deprived brain can put together. I sent an email with the link address and explaining that it was a personal blog. I have no problem at all with someone not wishing to read it, especially if they are someone close to me there are of a number of reasons I could very much understand.

However, there was someone who read it, who emailed me a piece of himself that I would like to share. I haven't asked his permission to share it (naughty maybe, considering how personal it is), BUT it is MY personal blog and I am taking a couple of steps to protect his identity. Why am I posting it, within the first paragraph I was in tears, the person he is talking about (ME) seems so far away from where I am right now. I am forever grateful for those near and far that have faith and care for me. His email has given me some strength at a time when I have reached a place of finding out ACC, in turn representing the 'help' service of my Country, New Zealand, has not only turned their back on me (and my 'problems'), BUT now I have the documented proof of a long term campaign to ensure that no further 'money is needed to be spent on me or my needed treatment', I am very scared and very tired, but quite calm actually now.

Anyway here is the email, 'HE' obviously has the blog address and will see that I have posted it (obviously we are in direct contact by email, but I have been finding it difficult to maintain most contact (without it being personal, it's been about 'my' un-wellness) with my deterioration over the last few months), so HOPEFULLY he won't mind, and will understand why I've posted it. However if 'HE' does feel uncomfortable about it in anyway I will break my golden rule of not deleting past posts because it will be more important to respect his wishes and feelings. (it is completely unedited except for a couple of obvious omissions of names to protect anonymity)

"Hi danielle,
I am really glad you wrote back to me. I have a lot to say, and because I have been thinking all night about what I am going to say and because it is 7am I am going to ramble my ass off!! I have always made sure I tell you the truth about things and I hope you always thought I was frank and open with you, this is a new experience for me. I have never told you about yourself or myself like this though, so grab a cup of tea.....hahaha I am trying to start and I have all this stuff in my head that i was thinking I would say to you and now I am trying to start writing it and I don't know where to start.

I guess our relationship started like most others, with massive amounts of sexual attraction!!!!!, well for me anyway, I think you are super sexy and an extremely alluring woman!!!! Maybe that sounds a little superficial but it is the truth, and it sounds corny and cliched but truly as time went on I really fell in love with you. Your infectious personality assured that. No one in any relationship I have ever had has ever been as supporting as you are, no one put their heart on a sleeve like you and no one ever gave a shit about my feelings in a relationship before, it really was a breath of fresh air. That and your bubbly personality and out going ness really is how I remember you and it makes me feel nice and tingly and warm. You are honestly without a doubt one of the most amazing woman I have met, and as you know I have met a lot. But I am super picky, i have never had a one night stand, and I have never dated anyone that I have not known for years. I really like to know someone first, being in a relationship is serious stuff for me. Anyway, not only do I feel blessed to have met you but what a blessing it was, cream on the top, that you said yes to us dating for 2 years makes me feel like jesus! You were always so patient with me and supportive, I never would I gone diving if it wasnt for you, thats how amazing you are. You make things happen. I talk about them, procrastinate about them, fantasise about them, you are a doer and make them come true!! My dreams, you made come true!!!!! Thats what you do best!!!! Your probably thinking, no that cant be and beating yourself up fro one reason or another, but I never ever would of got the job at ******** if it wasnt for your support and encouragement, that job made me the man I am today. You did that!!! And if only you could see me now I know or hope you would be proud. I was so proud to have you on my arm, just to walk with you and have all the guys shoot their jealous stares, hahah and they only saw your outside, I knew who you were on the inside!!!! So proud and fond of you, I was definitely in love with you.

I think about you and us often. Of course it makes me sad, we cant be girlfriend and boyfriend, and of course I miss you! But when we were, we owned the world!!! Your just such an amazing woman and that you cant see it make same so sad. And now after all this time, you still seem to think you dont deserve happiness, that happiness is meant to skip you by and you are meant for other things in life. Thats really hurtful. You really have nothing to be sad about, everyone that gets to met you, that you let see who you really are treasure that moment forever as I do!! I was in you love with you then, I still feel so much love for you now. It just sucks that you wont let yourself fly. Yu paid so much attention to me and I flew, imagine what happens to you when you just be yourself and let yourself fly. Imagine the joy you can feel but just being yourself. I dont want that to sound like a therapist talking or spiritual. I remember how people would turn and stare at you as you walked in a room, as though you had a light on inside you. You do, I see it, I trully do feel that I see you for who you really are, and that is because you and I are so a like. Now si a really good time, to stop feeling like if you are yourself people might not like you, trust me, the more you that you are the more people will like, and it was that way with me.

Its ok to feel scared, everyone is. And everyone has a pet fear, your is being rejected or not liked, you really dont need to feel like that, anytime you do just remember how amazing you trully are and yor wonderful gifts. A gift we often forget about is the one that allows us to take another breath, as long as we dont take that for granted and as long as you have clean water and some food the rest of our life is just filled with stuff. Stuff that we dont need, because living is about breathing, drinking, and eating ahhaha. Are you crying or have you cried yet? I hope so, I really hope this motivates you. I really hope you to see with your eyes wide open. Why do you think you are afraid of being rejected? Its the same reasons everyone else will give. Your so special you dont need to be. Why are you so scared of rejection? You shouldn't be look at what the other person will be missing out on!!! Trust me its a lot!!!! I miss it!!!!! You need to forget all the bullshit and start loving yourself, then the real beauty of yourself will come forward and everyone will be abel to see what you and I know is already there. Be yourself if someone doesn't like you, forge them, there are plenty of other people that would love you for who you are. Make friends with real people. Others just create anchors and make certain that you lose your path in life. Something you are happy abotu I am sure :) Take the time to think about what it is in life you truly want no matter how simple or farcical it may sound and give yourself the support and encouragement to chase those dreams, it really will be worth it when you are at the other side of yourself! Stop dating bad guys, you know you just do it because you think you are not worthy of anyones love, i hope you can see how wrong you are about that!!! I almost have RSI :P When things get scary, try and understand it to be a good thing, we can only grow and change if things get a little more extreme than normal. Sometimes to go forward we have to get rid of what is in our past, revenge, forgive, or forget, or what ever it takes to put the past in the past and just ge ton with the fun of living. It truly is your life and you can make it as warm and as loving and giving and receiving as you want!! Whatever your indiscretions in life has been it doenst matter, we all have them, just pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep moving, making your life whole with lots of love!

I wish things ended differently for us, I knew you were trying to push me away and still I wasnt strong enough to stand up to you and say no, I live with that regret everyday. Sometimes I am too respectful and that is one of my down comings. I am trying to get better at that.

BASICALLY YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you can start paying yourself back for that, YOU REALLY DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE YUR LIFE TO THE FULL!!!!!!!!

ALL MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!,
******** XOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXXXXX

Just for the record I am VERY PROUD of 'him', who he is as a man and where he is in his life, I guess we don't have alot of contact so I hope that he does know that.

In the meantime I have a couple of very important posts with corresponding documentation that I need to post in the next few days, as soon as I can manage. It takes quite alot for me to be able to write at the moment.

Just a girl, hoping for some decent sleep.

ACC and Sex Abuse

"ACC and sex abuse
0 Comments | Sunday Star - Times; Wellington, New Zealand, May 30, 2010

DENISE COSGROVE'S letter (May 23) endeavouring to mitigate ACC's stance relative to Danielle Martin goes well beyond what any fair- minded person should regard as ethical. Martin's health issues, particularly those of "pre-condition'', have no relevance to her presumably assessed and accepted sexual abuse claim and most certainly should not have been exposed in the media. No medical practitioner would dream of such a breach.

If Martin has ongoing issues from the abuse then ACC, by its very mandate, is to provide treatment until it is no longer required.

William Anderson
Howick, Manukau City

Sunday Star Times, Copyright of Fairfax New Zealand Limited 2009, All rights reserved.
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved."

http://findarticles.com/p/news-articles/sunday-star-times-wellington-new-zealand/mi_8185/is_20100530/acc-abuse/ai_n53884346/
It's sometime in the middle of the night and I came across this in my email that I had actually found a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was relevant to post on my blog.

I actually had just spent a HUGE amount of time and energy writing a blog earlier this evening (like had taken me hours, my functionality makes it sooo difficult to focus on this stuff that makes my heart go fast and my lungs want to stop) so if you are reading this because you are at the beginning but haven't read the one from earlier this evening then please CLICK HERE to read it .

I wish I could stand on a street corner, the Corner of Queen Street and Victoria, with one of those sandwich billboards on either side of me, with the Truth written on it, and instead of people just walking past they wouldn't even really have to read it so much, it would just be so clear they would just look and see and understand from seeing... and then after the People See The Truth there would be this ripple of the Universe being righted in someway because of the People's need for that. Now I just need to find a falling star to try and make my wish come true.

Worthless

Right now I feel Hopeless and Worthless, full of Toxic Shame, I'm sure it will shift or change at some point, everything does. (I want to cry and cut and scream and hold my breath and hide and run away and just not be, all at the same time)

Friday just gone was a really bad day. And today was absolutely terrible. But there have been moments of hope and productivity over the space in between.

On Thursday night I had no sleep (normal), and was just falling asleep Friday morning and there was a knock at the door, or rather Molly obviously hearing a van outside before I heard anything was up barking her head off AND THEN there was a knock at the door.

It was a Courier with a package from ACC, it was the response from the Request for Information that I had submitted as a result of reading the Statement that Denise Cosgrove had decided to make to the Sunday Star Times. I still am having difficulty grasping why a week after the Sunday Star Times Article 'ACC Cut My Lifeline' where ACC had at least a weeks notice to formulate their comments, why this Woman in her official capacity as a representative of ACC (the organisation that holds all the official documents of my Sensitive Claim and is meant to be part of the solution of my healing from rape, torture and sexual assault) decided to make these allegations about me, my care, and claim.

The Courier Package was about 4 inches thick of A4 documents with a Cover Letter. Here is a quote from the cover letter:

"In relation to point 3 and 4, on 13/01/2010 Dr ***** [Psychatrist's Name] and ***** ***** [Therapist's Name] agreed with ACC to arrange the referral on your behalf to Segar House. Both Dr ***** and ***** ****** have told ACC that you are not willing to participate with treatment at Segar House at this time.

ACC is happy to assist you with further treatment for your covered mental injuries of PTSD and Depression once you have completed a period of more intensive therapeutic work at Segar House as recommended by Dr *****."

(You can see the 'points 3 & 4' referred to in a copy of the letter I sent HERE'
Only being a page long it didn't really cover much else.
The letter went on to say:

"We're happy to answer your questions
Please call me on 0800 735 566 if you would like to talk about the information we've provided. If you have any queries to your ongoing entitlements, please contact Michelle Wogan, Case Manager, on 0800 735 566.

Yours sincerely
Sarah Boggs
Senior Support Co-ordinator
Telephone:0800 735 566"

I NORMALLY restrain myself from actually contacting the 'SENSITIVE' Claims Unit by phone, because it's usually a waste of time (you can see the results from the last time I had phone contact with them HERE, note there was no mention in that hour I spent on the phone with them then of 'Segar House'). BUT I was SO VERY UPSET at the downright Manipulation of events and further UNTRUTHS conveyed that I decided to ring them.

So I rang the 0800 number, spoke to a really nice sounding seemingly helpful man named Peter.
First I asked him about why in this letter it said that Selena Domingaz who was/is my ACC Case Manager has changed to a 'Michelle Wogan' without myself and my Treatment Providers being notified in writing about the change? (This is what I would consider a small respect considering the nature of the information in my file and also particularly relevant when you are dealing with a client with issues around safety, however it was something a couple of years ago after multiple changes of Case Managers that neither I nor my Treatment Provider's could keep up with the latest email addresses, I had to request in writing that from now on a change in Case Manager would result in written notification to all involved in my Care and Claim, this was acknowledged in writing, is noted in my file AND early last year WAS actually done when Selena Domingaz came on as my Case Manager) The guy on the phone didn't know, I didn't really expect him too.
So then we moved on, he asked me if he could help me with something, I said I imagined it was probably out of his scope to assist with but I started to tell him a bit, he quickly said that it might be better to try and put me through to my Case Manager. At this I asked to speak to 'Sarah Boggs', the person who had signed the letter, he tried her and said she was out of the office for the rest of the week.
So then I said okay, you can try the Case Manager, he came back saying 'she was on leave, not knowing a date of return'. So then I asked if I could speak to Denise Cosgrove (since she can speak publically ABOUT me, perhaps she could speak TO me), he eventually came back on the line and said that the line had just rung and rung until it rung out.
Sighing I thanked him for his time and assistance.

Now that I have documented proof of UNTRUTHS I have the option of taking it up with the Privacy Commission and onto Human Rights from there. I cannot afford a Lawyer to help me with this. I can't spend the next 6 or 12 months filling out forms, writing statements and letters to try and stand up for my rights, my truth and to try and get the treatment and help I need. I've been trying to do all that for months and months now even though I am now too overwhelmed to enter a supermarket alone.

I am too tired and exhausted to fully go into explaining why ACC's behavior around my claim has become two steps away from evil. Most of the explanations around the Segar House, what has and has not happened, who I am, what has happened to me, what I need and how very hard I have worked too get well are right through-out my blog. (so read carefully before you post a comment, I let almost all rational comments through, but it is you that will look stupid if you decide to say something that is not correct based on the ignorance of not bothering to check simple facts in my blog)

BUT there have been a couple of sparks of hope that I am holding onto, I am trying to concentrate on the simple stuff like trying to get washing dry, trying to eat enough, trying to look after Molly properly. I love Molly so much, I know she is just an animal, but she's my baby. I want to have a life worth living, I am getting down on my knees on a daily basis at the moment just to ask my Higher Power just to allow me the strength to cope and get through the next 24 hours and to look after Molly. Molly makes my day worth it, just.

Just a girl, holding on.