Hottie

My hot water bottle split last night, it was just after I'd filled it and was lying on the couch and it started to get really hot on my chest and up my side. Before I realised it there was boiling water soaked through everything. It was okay though, I realised pretty quickly what was happening and managed to get into the shower to run cold water on the scald.
When I took Molly for her walk today I had to go to the Chemist and pick up some scripts so I bought a new hottie, it was $9.99.

I'm on a benefit, after paying all my bills I had $20 left for the week for food, and I just spent half of in on a piece of rubber.

But the thing is that my last power bill was huge, I don't totally understand why, I have a small oil heater. It's not like I have lots of long showers or anything. But I know the rates have gone up. And then my mortgage went up this week, so that's an extra $30. So I can't afford to have the heater on much.

So I really need my hottie. I use it even in the summer, for easing of pain that I get 'down there'. For years and years I've had Urinary Tract Infections and some Kidney Infections, it started when I was quite young. And the pain is intense, indescribable really. So either you've had one, and you know what I mean or you haven't and then you'll need to ask someone else to describe it cause I'm not so good at being accurate about the 'down there' stuff. Anyway, what has happened over the years is that it's gone from taking 24-48hours to being in agony and only really help-able with IV antibiotics in hospital to taking about 20 minutes to being in the same state with it being difficult to walk or stand.

There is an article "Psychiatric Disorders, Sexual Trauma Linked to Urinary Tract Symptoms" CME News Author: Pauline Anderson CME Author: Hien T. Nghiem,MD

This is a quote from the article:

"A new study not only confirms the relationship between psychiatric disorders and lower urinary tract symptoms (LUTS) but also shows that the effect of such symptoms on quality of life is more dramatic in women with depression, anxiety, or a history of sexual trauma."

It really just goes on to talk about a study showing a relationship between women having ongoing problems with UTI's and Sexual Trauma.

Anyway, it's all alot of technical jargon really, but the thing is that it was actually quite validating for me when I got given a copy of that article last year.
This has been a 'problem' that has altered my life for over 20 years, and because of where it is, it's something I have difficulty talking about. And the thing is as well is that I don't think sometimes people understand just how sick you can be with this and not really 'look' it on the outside. It can be really bad and the only noticeable visible symptoms is perhaps that I am quite pale or pasty with dark smudges under my eyes. When actually 'the burn' as I call it is awful, often peeing blood, and most days, these days, if I go over 12 hours with out taking pain medication in my back on either side below my ribs it feels like I've been booted on either side. It takes about an hour a few pills and several cups of hot water to be able to move.

The thing is that this probably just sounds like a whinge. But it's awful waking up from a nightmare of being raped with burning 'down there', it's hard to try and do things like walk Molly and get to appointments when the pain is bad.

For the 12 months up until October when my therapy was disrupted by ACC I had only had TWO visits to hospital as a result of this.

For the previous year it was about THIRTY visits.

I firmly believe that stress manifests physically. I know that when I was in therapy and 'getting better' that it also equated to my physical health improving to a more manageable, less painful level.

Anyway I've got my new hottie for tonight, and what have I really got to complain about, I was cold last night, but not as cold as sleeping under a bush in the rain in the middle of winter aye, and I guarantee there will be people out there tonight in the open somewhere trying to stay warm.

Just a girl, trying to stay warm.

Shortland Street

Yes, I watch it, sometimes - this doesn't mean I don't watch Campbell live which I can watch on TV3+1 after. And I am a far cry from some 'Coro-Street Watchers' that I know, that if they are not home, or organised the recording of their beloved episode will try nothing short of extreme manipulation to have the tellie changed to watch it at someone else's house.

I was just thinking watching it about which of the character's I would like a copy of in my life. I guess that must be part of successful tv, for it to seem something imprint-able. I would like to have Rachel as a friend, I think with everything she has been through she would be quite understanding of what's going on in my life. I would like to have an older brother like Hunter, with the protective-when-needed mates. I think I would like to have Tracie as a friend too, she seems no nonsense, like would be supportive of helping me deal with situations that happen that I still seem to lose myself in.

Today it was 2 for 1 at the dvd shop. Most of the time these days I know that dvds are not something that I can afford. But I'd had a particularly bad night. I've been quite low for a bit, and then I managed to embarrass myself on National Radio last night. I rung up The Nutters Club on Radiolive, just to say hi and to give some ups to the Guest, a guy named Ronnie, who just had this awesome story of adversity in his life and just really overcoming it, and continuing to want and work on a positive life. But instead of sounding like a rational human being when I was on-air I ended up bursting into tears. Anyway, I had a shitty night, trying to distract myself with things like trying to read a book but the memories and images in my head just wouldn't go away and I felt like putting my head through a window just to escape.

After having no sleep last night I spent a couple of hours this morning trying to go to sleep and just couldn't, so I thought 'what the hell' with less than $50 left on my almost maxed out credit card, I who am and have been so careful micro-managing every dollar I spend, when I make it to the supermarket buying the cheapest of everything, not buying anything like clothes or going to a movie or anything like dinner or a show in over a year now... but I was so despondent this morning that I thought, f*%k it, and went and got a dvd.

I've what has been happening is all the crappy things that have happened in my life, around me or too me, everything physically, mentally, sexually awful, everything from nasty put-downs to car accidents, to the beatings and worse. When I think back to all that stuff, every single time, every single time I had to do the next hour, the next day, whatever, as if I was ok, there was no 'time' or 'space' or 'whatever' for me to think or deal or reflect or process. Alot of times it was essential for me survival and sanity to try and push it all down in my head, as far away from myself as quickly as possible so I could try and look after myself the next hour or the next day. This is the worst it's ever been, with the flashbacks and the memories and I don't know how to make them stop. I refuse to act out on my addiction and revert to being an active addict, not because I am so brave or strong or anything, just because I know that it doesn't really actually work and it will leave me even sicker and in more pain than I am in now.

I am trying to just keep doing the next right thing. But I hate where I am, I hate the disgusting things that go through my head when I fall asleep. I hate that things were starting to get better with my therapy, especially last year, and that now it is worse than ever. I wish I had known my treatment was going to get chopped off half way through, I probably would have never bothered trying.

I don't know how to stop the pain, how to stop crying.

Someone said that it is 'human nature to not want to discuss the kinds of things I am upset about', and that hurt me, it makes me feel dirty and ashamed and sad and angry...but also on some level I actually understand and agree with them. I need to keep in mind that I've spent almost 20 years running from all this shit, and just because it's spilling out of my soul right now it doesn't mean that anyone else should know or want to deal with it, it's just about driving me, well, driving me somewhere dark with the spill.

I've just had a few weeks with a very kind therapist who kindly gave me a discounted rate, for the first few sessions I had the financial support of a loan of money in the form of weekly payments. That stopped. So I started just using my credit card. That has run out now. My mortgage is going up this week by $30 (it's a 100% mortgage basically if anyone wants to have a go about me 'owning a house'), my power, water, insurances have all gone up over the last couple of months. Before these financial changes I had $39 budgeted a week for food. I keep hearing John Key on the news saying that with the new Budget and GST that no one with be worse off. I keep thinking that he must be talk about me, no-one. I have no idea how things are meant to come together practically in my life and I think I am unable to work it all out.

I am often to scared to have a shower, figure that one out. I am like this person who has so much potential, I could do some good things, I don't need anything fancy like fame or wealth. A simple job, maybe helping people or animals would be nice. We don't remain static, for years I managed by going sideways in my life, then I stopped 8 years ago and started to try and go forward. Slowly slowly, baby steps. Now I am sinking. As of October 2009 I have been sinking.

These are my ramblings probably. I can't re-read what I have written and edit it. I'd give a progress update on my STUFF with ACC, but there is no progress, no updates. Nothing.

Just a girl, not wanting any negative judgement right now, I have enough thanks.

Sleeping Rough

Whenever I am feeling down and there is that very heavy rain, that sounds like the heavens have simply opened up with a torrent of water, it reminds me of being out in that weather for almost 2 months. I try and use it as an opportunity to remind myself that no matter what else is going on that I have a roof over my head while the weather is outside and I am inside, and that is something I need to be grateful for, and therefore not take for granted.

When I was 15 and first out of home I used to go into what was then call ‘Social Welfare’ which is know known as WINZ (Work and Income New Zealand), on Lake Road in Takapuna. I would go in there and tell them that I had nowhere to go, no place to sleep, no money, no food and that I needed help. They told me that because of my age that there was nothing that they could do to help me, they suggested that I try the Community Advice Bureau. This was before the park opposite Shore City was developed, and also the area of land on Takapuna beach waterfront along from the Sailboat Club there. There were random other ‘homeless’ youths, I guess ranging in age from about 12 to up to about 30. So I would often head up to the Salvation Army office, it was just off Hurstmere Road then up a flight of dingy stairs. I was always full of shame going in there, so tried to not go if I could help it. But they would have food packages that would be the alternative to standing outside Shore City begging for spare change to get enough to go upstairs and get a cheeseburger and perhaps some chips from the MacDonalds up the top. I don’t remember all the contents of the food packages from the Sallies, but I remember several times having to enlist the help of one of the other random homeless people around to help me open a tin of baked beans with a rock, with the understanding that it was to be shared in exchange for the help. The number of evenings eating cold baked beans out of a tin with an old plastic spoon. There was a run down house down on Takapuna beach with a filled in pool, the rumour at the time, which now looking back doesn’t make much sense was that it used to be Rachel Hunter’s house. It was two story and was a mess, it had literally been stripped, with most of the windows smashed out, and upstairs there were portions where rot had caused the floor to fall through. BUT for a time it was a place to find a corner out of the rain to doss down for the night. Usually carefully with one or two others, cause you never knew what kind of crazy was going to turn up during the night.
I’m not sure exactly what happened, but it got covered in signs saying that it was due for demolition, then all of a sudden there was Security Guards patrolling it at night and then a metal fence went up around it, with the demolition work eventually coming after that.
So around this time I met this guy called *****. He was 3 years older than me and seemed like heaps older and more on to it (at the time) than I. He did smoke quite a bit of pot, which despite the ‘scene’ was something I had decided after the first half dozen times I did not like how it made me feel, so it was something that I never did with him. But anyway, one night I had absolutely nowhere to sleep and he said that he had somewhere we could go. It was already dark and we walked up to the Pumphouse, down by Lake Pupuke in Takapuna. We walked around down past the pumphouse, around by the lakes edge past bushes and trees, quite a way around. Then there was a clump of bushes from underneath he pulled an old ripped sleeping bag. He unzipped it, it was a cool night, but not yet the middle of winter, so we hunkered down under the bushes with the sleeping bag covering us both as best as possible. I don’t think I got a lot of sleep that night, I know that I was constantly exhausted with it having been awhile since I’d had a good night’s sleep, but it was so dark and kind of spooky around there, but I know I eventually got some sleep.
So over the next couple of months this area would become a place I would regularly come to try and sleep at night when I had nowhere else to go. I actually ended up coming here most of the time by myself, even though I was scared of the dark and being by myself at night, I had seen things like people get stabbed who were sleeping in other more well-known areas for people who had nowhere else to go at night.
This was before the Pumphouse got it’s re-vamp, and so there was the two public toilets which were pretty bare, sparten, often not very clean, they had the basic metal toilet with no seat, a sink with a cold tap and a ‘mirror’ which was just a piece of polished metal screwed to the wall that was pretty scratched up. Apart from that it was just brick walls and a cold concrete floor. I think it was meant to be locked up every night, but occasionally the Security Guards would forget and I would be in luck and would get to curl up on the floor in there for a few hours, invariably though the Guards would do rounds and eventually find me in there and tell me to move on. Even during the times later in winter when they were more on to the system of keeping it locked at night, it would be unlocked in the mornings and I would have somewhere that I could go to the toilet, and use the cold tap and if there was toilet paper something to try and wash my face and under my arms.
So for the times that I could get into that female toilet area I would make my way around the lakeside, the Security Guards would actually check in the grassy area a little way around, so I’d have to go far enough that it would probably be further than they would bother, sometimes I would get it wrong and they would find me and tell me to move on. Otherwise there were a couple of particular bushes that helped take the brunt out of the rain as long as there wasn’t the wind driving it in any direction but down. I managed to claim possession of that sleeping bag, often at the beginning of the night (cause it was the middle of winter) it would still be soggy from the night before, but I would still use it to try and provide some sort of protection from the torrential wind, rain and cold. I don’t think I have ever been as cold as I was some of those nights during that winter. Looking back now the ‘sleep’ that I would drift in and out of in the cold, was probably more dangerous than I realized with how cold I was.

Why am I telling you about this?
One year before I was mainly living in a Boarding House attached to one of the most expensive Private Girls’ Schools in New Zealand. For most of my school life I’d been above average achiever, with an active long term interest in Speech and Drama and Public Speaking. Ironically a year or so before getting several Firsts and Placings in the New Zealand Speech Board Speech and Drama Competitions held at the Pumphouse in Takapuna.

A few weeks later I was ‘found’ by someone who had already sexually, physically, verbally, mentally attacked and abused me. I was hiding out from him at a caravan park on the West Coast. He found me, and he was very angry. He tied me up and over the next day and a half with the curtains drawn in the caravan he did, well, he did a lot of things to me. There was one point where he had the knife at my throat that I really truly believed that I was going to die. I can’t begin right now to describe everything that happened during that time. It was something that I am still running from. So I had written all that above about trying to find somewhere to sleep in the winter because when I escaped from that caravan, when I escaped from him. When I hid under the desk of the Caravan Owners Office while that Police came, when they asked me if I wanted to file a complaint, all I could think about was that he had told me that if I told anyone what he’d done that he would find me and kill me, and then he would find my family (he knew where they lived) and he would kill them. So I was very young, very scared, very very confused. And I didn’t get any help, after the police checked that the caravan was empty and had a look in the surrounding bush I didn’t or couldn’t talk, I couldn’t find my voice to explain what I’d just been through. I had no idea how to handle the situation that I was in. The person, my attacker, during his time with me, had cut up and destroyed every item of clothing except for a pair of culottes and a singlet. I remember thinking that I had no underwear and I didn’t or couldn’t even ask for help to explain that I didn’t have any clothes and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to get some more without even having any underwear.

So this is something that happened, something that has had a ripple effect in my life. And that I needed treatment and help for. I wasn’t able to ask for that until many years later. I am still scared of it all. My treatment got stopped in the middle, and now I am left with THIS STUFF, with the lid off the can. And now I am in a dark and scary place. And I don’t understand how ACC have let policy decisions re-traumatise me, a person, when they could have let me keep trying to be brave and get better. Instead I have gotten worse, and it’s a dark and scary place with the lid off and I can’t put it back on.

Stupid O'Clock

That's right, it's what I affectionatly like to think of as stupid o'clock. It's actually sometime between 3-4am, I've been up for an hour or so. I went to sleep and got a couple of hours before a bad dream, and decided that even though I am tired enough to probably get back to sleep eventually, that I just don't want to. That there is probably 50% less chance of the dreams being not-so-hard to deal with if I go back to sleep once the sun comes up, so that's what I'm doing. I feel like I am being a petulant child, making a statement like that, I guess it's because it seems like something that is not really the 'best' thing to do, like not the most 'functional' thing to do, to just stay up for the rest of the night.

It seems like alot of my choices that I have left are things like that these days.

I started this blog never knowing whether it would see the light of day, for the first few posts and months treating it like a private diary that I didn't know whether or not I would make public. BUT THEN I eventually did, and I must say that it has been a different experience writing once people 'know who I am', I am a little bit more self-conscious I guess, with a bit less anonymity I have been a bit less secure in the words that I write and what others think of them and me. In tandem with the hugely invalidating experience I have been going through with ACC my sense of self that was fragile at the best of times, is something that I just can't seem to find at the moment. I've basically stopped posting on Twitter. This was something that I did before 'all this ACC stuff', I was just another person on that social media site. One of the comments that I have received on this blog was a negative judgement on me for tweeting my blogposts. I guess it's just another one of those things that when one is not doing that great anyway, I'm not really feeling confident enough now to go on there, the good thing about the site was that it was allowing me to connect at a time when isolation has been something I've been battling with, but now if I start to write any comments on there I can hear all these negative voices in my head of people judging me for what I say.

I started writing this blog after a conversation with a person, who at the time, was a very dear friend. This person was privy to some of the finer details of what was occurring with ACC and me, this was actually the person that I phoned after I recieved that phone call from ACC back in October last year telling me I only 5 sessions of therapy left, but to have a good day. Anyway, so sometime after I rang that person, I had collapsed almost screaming on the floor of the hospital, I could barely get the words out, my brain couldn't comprehend I don't think what was happening, or maybe it was the opposite, my brain could suddenly see forward with what was going to occur to me and in my life with my therapy disrupted and taken away. Anyway sometime after when I saw this person (someone who had known me for quite a long time, through good & bad times) we were talking and they said they likened it to what happened to the Jews at Auschwitz, and they said that it was important that there were people that made it through this because it wasn't going to all get better overnight, and it was important that when it came time to hold accountability for what was happening, for the decisions and actions being carried out by ACC staff members, that the way that victims of awful awful things were being treated when they were only trying to get help, ahhh, I can't even finish this sentence off properly I am too emotional. But I hope you get where I am going with this, and what I mean.

This is the reason that I did the newspaper article in the Sunday Star Times, because what I believe is that what ACC is doing with Sensitive Claims AND to all the victims of rape, sexual abuse, and sexual trauma is so very very wrong.

For me personally there is so much more I want to write, but I just can't. I'm not really doing so well I guess. Things arn't really looking that hopeful. One day is blending into another and the only thing really keeping me going right now is trying to look after Molly (my dog), and even that I am only just managing to do. There are some days when I can't even manage to walk her and I feel sorry for something else that is being negatively affected by my disfunction.

secrets

one of the things that i haven't written about is all the secrets. i am not allowed to talk about any of this stuff to one of the significant people in my life, i am not allowed to discuss it (clearly spelt out in email, NO TABOO SUBJECTS to be discussed), or anything else 'difficult' in any way. i have been told that it is human nature to not want to talk about this sort of stuff. i just spoke to that person, trying to explain the difficulty i am having in meeting those requirements, especially right now when everything hurts so much. another significant person who probably should have been present in my life alot more than they were recently emailed me saying they doubted that i could be trusted, so if they were going to consider assisting financially with my treatment it would have to be through another party. i am totally honest and reliable with money. but it doesn't matter, another person that says i am not worth trusting.
soon, acc wont even need to worry about me. i will most likely end up either drinking or using drugs soon, and then we all knows where that leads. and it will be a big yay from denise cosgrove and peter jensen, we all knew that danielle was a bad egg. even her 'significant close-ones' will be able to confirm it.

sshhhh! its not to be discussed!

ACC, PTSD & Me

This is an email that I sent (then sent snail mail also) on Monday of this week, it took me over 10 days to write. I was debating WHEN to post it on here, whether I should wait to see what happens. But at the mo I'm not doing so well, not really managing, so I thought to try and maintain as much transparency as possible with my blogging I'll put it on here now, while I can. It is a response to an ARTICLE BY DENISE COSGROVE (click to see), which I know to contain FICTITIOUS information

"6 July 2010

Denise Cosgrove
General Manager
ACC
PO Box 242
Wellington

(via email)

RE: DANIELLE MARTIN, CLAIM #***********

Request for Official Information

In relation to your letter to the editor (link: letter to editor by Denise Cosgrove) in response to the Sunday Times story highlighting my claim, under Section 12 of the Official Information Act 1982 I request ACC provide me with the following information in relation to my claim:

1. The number of Subsidised or Fully-financed therapeutic services that ACC has funded under my Sensitive Claim (with a clear distinction of the type of service).
2. The costs ACC has incurred for the different types of treatment in relation to the above.
3. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports etc relating to ACC’s interactions with ‘working with the ADHB’ about my Claim, or Care.
4. Any and all documents, correspondence, reports, referrals etc, pertaining to and showing ACC having “worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House.”

I look forward to receiving the information in due course and within the OIA timeframes.

Regards
Danielle Martin

**********@hotmail.com
**********
**********
AUCKLAND ****

So, it will be more waiting.

And as for me, in March I found out there was meant to be a Review Hearing in the Disputes Tribunal Court on 6 July 2010. I just found out a couple of days ago that it has had to be adjourned with a new date to be advised (???) all because of ACC requesting more time to get further "Opinions" ABOUT ME. I feel very disheartened with delay after delay and with all the instability of the last few months, the total insecurity of my life, and whether or not I will be able to manage to get treatment for my Chronic PTSD.

I managed to scurry into the supermarket on Monday morning, I'd been out of food for a couple of days, but Molly (my beautiful dog) had eaten the last of her dog food the night before, so I just had to do it.

I'm probably not making alot of sense, feeling really overwhelmed, tired and anxious. I am now really, really scared of having to go to sleep, and wondering how much and how graphic it will be when I relive it in my dreams tonight, the latest thing that just started in the last week is it is the first guy that raped me, and instead of biting and cutting my lips (which is actually what happened) he is using a needle to sew my lips together while he lays on top of me, doing what he does. Who would want to talk to me or be my friend when that is what I wake up from and am trying to escape from everyday. That's what a therapist is/was/might-be there for I guess, someone trained and paid to talk about getting my life back on track, helping me practice to keep myself safe, create structure, and to somehow make some sort of life for myself. It wasn't my fault what happened to me. Through my therapy my nightmares were down to 3 or 4 nights a week before ACC disrupted my therapy, and I had over 3 months up without cutting (self-harm) myself, might sound silly, but I was so so proud of myself. Anyway it's not like that now. Not a night goes by without some re-visitation of the men that tortured me.

Anyway, I am probably rambling, I just wanted to check in and wanted to post the letter above, say thanks to the people who in thought or action have been showing some care with what is happening.

Summit Report (Part 1)

On Sunday June 20th 2010 there was the first national Summit held of the Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

It was a fabulous, emotional, scary, inspiring and necessary event.

This is Part (1) of my commentary on the materials and resources I discovered through attending the Summit. (I really wanted to have finished all of this as one by now, but to be honest, I haven't been travelling that well, things got a bit much and I ended up acting out over the weekend, so am still trying to deal with my shame around that and of course, to get through the day)
Part (2) which I'm still working on will be about my own feelings during the day, the lecturers speaking at the Summit and also my experience speaking in front of the Review Panel for the Independent Clinical Review of the Sensitive Claims Pathway for ACC

So in the foyer there was several tables and stations covering a range of topics, below is my words on what I saw was available (unless quoted otherwise), if I have commented on something in error, or if you have further information on any of what I'm discussing it would be great if you wanted to add it as a comment, the more information the better right? Information is Power, and empowerment is where it's at, I reckon!


..........SOSA NZ - Survivors of Sexual Abuse New Zealand
SOSA NZ is a Charitable Trust that was established on 8th June 2010
This is a excerpt taken from the brochure 'First National Survivors of Sexual Abuse Summit June 20, 2010':
"SOSA NZ is a charitable trust that has the aim to provide education, support, information, advocacy, and engage in activities that assist survivors of sexual abuse in their recovery. The intention is to operate nationwide.
This inaugural national summit/hui is the first project of SOSA NZ and it is hope that many similar projects will follow. Further projects will be decided by the membership of SOSA NZ."
There are too many people (and I'd hate to miss someone) for me to start trying to list and thank all the wonderful people involved in organising the Summit, but it seems clear from looking at the Trust Deed that 3 integral people involved in the formation are Gudrun Frerichs, Christine Hatcher, and Tania Blomfield. So a big BRAVO to these women from me!
Like alot of wonderful services in New Zealand it's seems as if a large part of the future of SOSA NZ and what they are able to achieve will be about the financial resources they can make use of, there was lots of discussion on the day of how wonderful it would be to make it a annual event, and how awesome it would be to have it all of the main cities. So membership is possible by clicking here and downloading a membership form, for the very low price of $10 it is possible to support and be involved.
Contact Details: newzealandsosa@gmail.com


..........Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP
The wonderful staff were not only on hand with a table full of pamphlets, booklets, info-factsheets, etc, but I also have to say that through out the day I met at least four of HELP's staff member's volenteering to be there for the day, some were wearing 'two hats', as a volenteer, and also there as a Survivor themselves.
As I say I have a whole bundle of stuff that I grabbed from their table, when I was having a chat I told them about my blog and that hopefully I would be able to write a posting about the Summit with listing some of the resources that I found, so that way anyone reading who wanted to attend, and couldn't, maybe there might be something little somewhere in my post that give them a new angle to try to help themselves. Anyway, then they really started giving me heaps of stuff!
So obviously I can't reproduce all their literature below, but I am going to write a list of the names of the pamphlets & brochures, if there is anything that think might help you, I'm sure that HELP can probably post you out the info.
- Survivors of Recent Sexual Assault (pamphlet)
- Privacy - what we do with the things you tell us (pamphlet)
- Caregiver Support For Parents Of Young People - This pamphlet is for caregivers who are supporting a daughter following a sexual assault or disclosure of ongoing sexual abuse. (pamphlet)
- Court Preparation Services - provided to assist women and adolescent girls who have survived sexual abuse and are about to enter the court process (pamphlet)
- Telephone Services (pamphlet)
- Counselling for Survivors - a guide to services available for women and children who have experienced rape and/or sexual abuse either historically or recently. It may also be useful for family and friends who are supporting survivors of sexual violence(pamphlet)
- For SURVIVORS of Childhood Sexual Abuse (pamphlet)
- Understanding Flashbacks - (no description here but just a note from me, I took some time to sit down on the day and read over this one, it might sound weird but in a way I found it validating to read things about them, when sometimes my flashbacks make me doubt my own sanity, this is a good one, worth getting a copy with re-assuring language and easy to understand good tips) (factsheet)
- Information for Friends, Family, and Partners - 'What is Rape?' (factsheet)
- The Ripple Effects of Sexual Abuse - Impacts on Survivors and Families, How to Help (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- One Path Ahead - Reporting the Abuse/Assault (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)
- Understanding Sexual Abuse - Who, Why, How? (Booklet, Written & compiled by Victoria Weedon for Sexual Abuse HELP)

The last 3 Booklets listed I was told have only just recently been put together. My impression is that they are of a very high standard being between 26-30 pages in each. I myself haven't managed to read all of them yet, as it gone back to me being triggered as easily as I was 2 or 3 years ago, and the following process of managing my triggers is not as good either (just writing that want to cry in frustration and shame in myself at my deterioration of coping abilities, anyway I'll take a break now and then come back to it) but the couple of pages I have managed to read seemed very HELPful!

Contact Details:
Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation
Ph: (09) 6231700 (24 hours) Fax: (09) 6231296
Email: crisisteam@sexualabusehelp.org.nz
Web: www.asah.org.nz


..........stop
.........demand.
This is a pamphlet that I picked up on the day. After the day I had a chance to sit down and really read the pamphlet and I went on to look at the website. The best way to explain this Foundation is to quote from their own words:

"Vision
To live in a world free of sexual violence and sexual exploitation
Mission
To promote a world free of all forms of sexual violence against, and sexual exploitation of, children with a particular focus on challenging the demand for sex with children
Objectives
Stop Demand
Raises public awareness on the extent of all forms of sexual violence against children
Calls for global action to stop all forms of sexual violence against children
Addresses demand issues within the child sex trade and other forms of sexual violence against children
Works with government, inter-governmental and non-governmental agencies to stop sexual violence against children
Mobilizes the community, in particular the male community, to stop all forms of sexual violence against children"

It looks like a fantastic organisation that is really focused about PREVENTION (remember Prevention is better than Cure!)
Contact Details are: www.stopdemand.org or action@stopdemand.org


..........CELEBRATE RECOVERY
This is an organisation that I previously had not heard of before the Summit. They had a display table with quite a large range of literature (pamphlets) available. There was also a person attending the table who was really lovely to talk to, and said they had been a member of one of these groups for many years, and testified to the benefits. It looks as if it is 12 Step based a strong community group support element. I have copied this quote from their website:

"The Celebrate Recovery ministry seeks to see people grow spiritually and be freed from their hurts, hang-ups and habits.
Celebrate Recovery supports people to be freed from their addictions by encouraging fellowship and celebrating God’s healing power in their lives as they work their way along the road to recovery.
It is designed to help people:
seeking recovery and accountability in areas such as anger, anxiety, depression, eating issues, sexual impurity; or
hurting from things done to them in the past or things they have done to others; or
needing an outlet for pain or grief they are suffering."

For further enquiries contacts:
Libby Hunt, Massey Community Trust
8 Vadam Road, Massey, Auckland
info@celebraterecovery.co.nz


..........Women's Bookshop
Ah, there was tables virtually heaving with some excellent books. I spotted a few that I already owned and were firm favourites. They had everything from the classics like 'The Courage To Heal' to book's by New Zealand authors like 'Surviving and Moving On: For Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (revised ed.)' by Kim McGregor. I actually tried to not spend too much time browsing (15mins) because it was torture seeing all these excellent helpful books and knowing I couldn't afford any on the day. BUT there were several titles that I will be able to look out for in the future. I couldn't really begin to list all the different aspects of Abuse and Recovery that there were books about, but if you can think of it I can pretty much guarantee that the Women's Bookshop has a book about it. Just as an aside I have been into their shop on Ponsonby Road and have always felt very comfortable and safe, not only browsing but also in asking the staff all manner of questions to help find what I am looking for. Even though I couldn't afford to buy on the day it was a pleasant surprise to see they were present at the Summit. The great thing about The Women's Bookshop is for all those out of Auckland (or like me, and maybe not able to get out of the house so much at the mo) they also have a well set-up online store.

Contact Details:
105 Ponsonby Road, Ponsonby, AUCKLAND
books@womensbookshop.co.nz
Monday-Friday 10.00am to 6.00pm
Saturday & Sunday 10.00am to 5.00pm
Ph:+64 9 376 4399 Fax +64 9 376 4365


Ok, so that is the limit of what I managed to pick up on the day from the different tables. I know that there was more info there that I didn't manage to grab, one group I know had some info there but I didn't seem to end up with anything is:

..........ECPAT International - End Child Prostitution Child Pornography and ..........Trafficing of Children for Sexual Purposes
I don't know a huge amount about this organisation but from a quick look at their website it looks like they do some amazing work all over the world.
"Vision
Realisation of the right of all children to live free of child prostitution, child pornography and child trafficking for sexual purposes.
Mission
ECPAT International is a global network of organisations and individuals working together for the elimination of child prostitution, child pornography and the trafficking of children for sexual purposes. It seeks to encourage the world community to ensure that children everywhere enjoy their fundamental rights free and secure from all forms of commercial sexual exploitation."

Apologies to any organisations I have missed in my Part(1) attempt of covering some of the info from the Summit. I hope that there will be further Unity gained through these avenues and connections. And like I said previously, really appreciate any gaps in the information I've written above.

Sometime in the coming days (hopefully days, not weeks) I'll publish Part(2).
Thanks for all the extra support over the last week. I don't know where to start with where my head is at right now, so I'm just going to publish this post (FINALLY! it's been a work in progress for a week now! that's right, has taken a WHOLE week just to write the above, would you believe I used to be able to do a 2000 word essay the night before it was due and still get at least a B+).

Twitting & Blogging' just an 'Airbrushing'...'Spiel'

Someone has just likened me to a 'dog chasing it's tail' (comment by Saphira on a post, conveniently with no link or real name).

For the most part with having this blog online I have not responded to comments, or treated it interactively, mainly this has been because the posts I have managed to put up here once a week, or month, have been the maximum I've been capable of writing at anytime with trying to be responsible as possible for my own safety and how upsetting these issues are to think about, let alone write about.

"Zadok said...
Denis Cosgrove did not slag you, get it right
1 She said thast ACC had spent over $65,000 on you, not necessarily on counselling.
@ As for Segar House, you have blooged in the last few blogs about being directed to Segar House by ACC.
Now who is being "economical" with the truth here"
How about telling us what ACC did provide for you for a start and why you are resisting their sugesstions."

+

"Saphira said...
Why dont you just tell the whole truth instead of airbrushing out the bits you dont like.
You were given an offer of Segar House but instead you disparage it as "Rainbows End"
Also Denise Cosgrove made comment yes, but with all the spiel you have been blogging and twitting, it's not hard to get "quotes" from you now is it.
Think about it, and take the offer instead of going round in circles like a dog chasing it's tail."

I think if I start writing from the heart in response to these that this post could get a little long, and I probably won't be able to finish writing it.
So.
Just to be clear.

(1) There has not EVER been a referral for me @ Segar House. And I've never said ANYTHING negative about Segar House.

(2) I hope that the two people that read the above comments can be satisfied with the effects their words have had. I've been attempting to go on Twitter (Tweet) and write a blog to record the facts as they are happening.

(3) ACC had a week before the Sunday Star Times Article was published to formulate their comments, with open invitation from me and the reporter. I in no way edited anything Peter Jensen said. I do not believe that Denise Cosgrove has the right as a Staff Member of ACC to make a Public Statement about me and my SENSITIVE claim.

(4) If you had a broken leg, would you want to do what all the top Orthopedic Surgeons, Doctors and your GP were saying would be the best care possible for fixing your leg OR would you want the Organisation funding the care to try and over-ride all of these opinions (AND I MEAN ALL) and first attempt to decide you should get a TOTALLY different treatment, and then PUBLICLY say this when actually there is no paperwork with any of the Treatment Providers involved supporting this FICTITIOUS statment.

Normally after I write a post for at least 24 hours I am going over in my head the level of disclosure that I have CHOSEN to make with obviously having to include facts about my own life to show clearly what ACC's actions and behaviour are throughout this ordeal.

I'm not sure what else I want to write at the moment, my tweeting has been about trying to stay connected with the world during a pretty hard period in my life.

If you want to come out and say I'm a liar, Just Fucking Do It.

Even in my darkest hurt I wouldn't wish on you or anyone the on-going symptoms of my trauma that I live with.

Sounds like I am meant to keep my mouth shut more.

Denise Cosgrove (ACC) slags me publicly.

In the wake of being at SOSA yesterday I have had only a couple of hours sleep and was sitting here thinking of trying to jot down a short blog regarding what I believe to be the great success of all involved.

However, I ended up surfing the net and quite quickly found the following article:

ACC and mental health
Sunday Star - Times; Wellington, New Zealand, May 23, 2010
YOUR ARTICLE "Rape victim says ACC cut her lifeline'' (May 16) was misleading. The client, Danielle Martin, has had almost 300 counselling sessions and total support from ACC worth over $65,000. However, she has a range of mental health issues, some of which are separate from and predate those caused by the sexual abuse she experienced. But it is nearly impossible to separate out complex mental health issues and treat them separately. That's why we believe she would be better helped by a multi-disciplinary approach from a team able to deal with all of the issues. So we have worked with the Auckland District Health Board to find a place for her at Segar House. She will still be able to get counselling there. ACC has not cut off her lifeline; we have offered her a better one.
Also, it was suggested this situation is connected to ACC's new clinical pathway for managing sexual abuse claims. Ms Martin's case predates the introduction of the pathway, and she is being managed under the old system. Lastly, it was suggested Ms Martin may be suicidal. If that is the case, the onus is on her counsellor or other treatment providers to put in place arrangements to secure her safety. There are set protocols for doing this that they will be well familiar with. The same applies to anyone a health professional feels may be considering self-harm.

Denise Cosgrove General manager, Claims management, ACC #SRC#

* The article didn't suggest she was being dealt with under the clinical pathway. It was understood she was being dealt with under the old system. - Editor

http://findarticles.com/p/news-articles/sunday-star-times-wellington-new-zealand/mi_8185/is_20100523/acc-mental-health/ai_n53780842/

I know that I opened myself up for public opinion and debate by putting part of my story out there with the Article in the Sunday Star Times.
Reading this leaves me crying, and wondering who is this Denise Cosgrove?
- How did she get the figure of $65,000 for counselling? For the most part I believe the subsidy to be $76 per session, the correct number of sessions is actually closer to 240 (with a v.small amount of these being time with a Psychatrist at a different amount, less than 20), I would think that would possibly be somewhere in the region of $20,000, maybe, if that (and about $5,000 of my own money).
- Why has a representative of ACC written or said something basically trying to de-construct or misrepresent me, my story and my claim? Why have they had time to do this but they have had no time or made any effort to respond privately or publicly with any solutions or supportive comments for me?
- How has "Denise Cosgrove from ACC" been able to speak (inaccurately) about me publically when I only signed a short-term privacy release for ACC to speak directly to Tim Hume (Reporter @ Sunday Star Times)
- I challenge the LIE that ACC has had any interaction with Segar House regarding my care, or a 'transfer' to this ADHB service.
- I resent the implication that I or my treatment providers are not taking due care around any feelings of depression or suicidality that I may have.

There are many more questions whirling around inside my head. I believe this is most likely another breach of my privacy by ACC making UNTRUE statements again about me without my permission to an unauthorised source. I feel so nauseaus just trying to comprehend what this woman has written I have to stop writing.

What else is out there that ACC has tried to insinuate about me? Should I just have kept my mouth shut and never tried to deal with the rape and trauma and kept trying to swallow the pain?

Very confused right now :(

@BreakfastOnOne

This is an email I sent to the Breakfast Show on TV1 about an hour ago, there is about 40mins to go and I wonder whether it will pass their 'feedback filters' and in any part be recognised.

"To: breakfast@tvnz.co.nz
Hi Paul and Pippa

You are talking about how there is this HUGE epidemic of Domestic Violence and that NZ may need more than just an inquiry, but this morning on the news you have covered that it is the last day for Submissions for the Hearing Aids/ACC issue, however there was no mention of how it is the last day for Submissions on the New ACC Clinical Pathway for Sensitive Claims (rape, sexual abuse + trauma).

Please could you let people know that this is the last day for them to make their voice count for this pathway that will determine how all past, present and future victims of rape, sexual abuse and trauma are treated and supported. The worst of the worst cases (apart from death) of Domestic Violence end up needing this help.

A link where people can still get direction with a submission is http://www.psychotherapy.org.nz/index.php?page=blog
And there is also a Summit this weekend for Survivors of Abuse with excellent Lecturers and Support. www.sosanz.com

Thank you.

Warm Regards
Danielle Martin"

FREAKING OUT (Contains Some ADULT Graphic Content)

Yup, freaking out.
The last 12hrs been trying everything, resisted the overwhelming urge to curl up & hide. And have tried to practice the 'skills' I've learnt, keeping occupied with tasks like dishes, washing, walking the dog, etc. Tasks that don't involve serious amounts of thought, and trying to not let the physical state of my anxiety take over, by keeping an eye on my breathing, and trying not to spiral into panic.

I am being triggered at every turn, from my nightmares, so the minute I wake up, but all the hours in between. Be it an external trigger, like something on TV or in a book (or I would say speaking to someone, but I haven't been able to answer the phone in about 5 days), or more & more just the most random images & thoughts from the past.

Images like in the last few hours it has been my head jambed down onto a pillow, only one side of my face able to see because I am lying on my stomach, lying on a water-bed with the weight of a person on top of me with what I can only imagine is a hand pushing down on the back of my neck, there is shooting pain like I cannot even begin to find the words to describe as I am anally raped (the pain is partly from the extensive tearing and splitting of the skin as I found out the next day). I can feel the ghost sparks of pain as the images rush around my head, I can hear the noise of the sound of the water in the bed as the movements shake the contents, my chest now is tight and it seems hard to get enough air as I relive the smells of musty 'man' smell and residue of hair product as I tried to get enough air with one nostril and half my mouth pressed into the pillow and no way to move any part of my body.

I don't sit around trying to bring these memories back AND choose to dwell on them. Trust me, I am doing everything possible and have been for the last few months, by myself to try and 'keep living' and 'keep doing the next best thing' and trying to 'be as functional' as possible trying with different successes to not resort to 'old not-so-positive' coping strategies (like cutting, alcohol and other drugs, not eating). I DON'T THINK THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE. I would do anything, and often am reduced to my knees crying begging for some relief, or some understanding as to why I am being suffocated by all of this.

So things like writing my Submission for the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims, pretty god-damned important for me to do, have known about it for awhile, needs to be done in the next couple of days. Can't even open the 'ACC' box of papers anymore to go through any of the documentation.

I don't understand why ACC suddenly threw me away when they were being kept 100% up to date and in the loop with reports from multiple treatment providers with my treatment plan and how it was progressing, that I had reached a point where I had achieved the beginnings of enough day-to-day safety skills that I was beginning to unpack and talk about the stuff of my nightmares, would stop everything and leave me swimming without a life-jacket. Every single report, even from two of their externally appointed ACC assessors concurred that I was doing what I needed to be doing and that I needed to continue on the treatment plan I was on. I've sent them countless emails and even rang ACC begging for help. I am NOT TRYING to manipulate anyone for anything (if you read this Peter Jensen), up until my support got taken away I have always worked so hard and was committed to knowing that it was going to be a life-long journey of recovery. Have I done something wrong in thinking that there was a better way of dealing with this than drinking away the images in my head.

Yes, I have had two (kindly-discounted) sessions of therapy in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know where to start (or if I am going to be able to afford it on-going). I don't even know if I can go back to see this person. I can't even get to the fricken supermarket or answer the phone. The only contact with the world I've now managed is brief spells of interaction on twitter.

I've been watching myself get worse functionally, and my heart is breaking because it just seems all so unnecessary, I know have fallen into the crack of a change of systems withen ACC, but it sucks, I am a person, I want to have a life. I want to get better.

Moving House + Nutters Club

I have just been listening to The Nutters Club on Radiolive. It's a fantastic show, tonight the guest was a parent of Autistic children, they have guests each Sunday evening from all kinds of areas and aspects to do with Mental Health and Addiction.

So this is something I am not sure if I am allowed to, or should be talking about.

The latest thing that I have found out a week or so ago in the line of tactics that 'ACC' (or their lawyers??) is now pursuing as relevant evidence in one of the reviews that has been before a Judge recently is basically because I was able to, and did move house last year, that somehow shows that I was 'well', did not apparently (and maybe do not) either need the level of or any assistance, or that there is some misrepresentation or inaccuracy in my truth, my treatment providers opinions & treatment plans, and an externally appointed ACC quite thorough Assessment.

Part of the reason that I have been reluctant to write about this so far is that I am not able to quote documents verbatim with what is going on through the court process at the moment, BUT, I've decided that I do have the gist of it, and I need to talk about how it's impacting on me.

It really feels like I am on fricken trial here, and am under a microscope by ACC. I feel like I am being treated like a problem to be 'dispatched' with by any means necessary (really don't think think it is all in my head with them compounding attack upon insult with me just wanting to get and be well).
OMG! It feels like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't with regards to what I say and communicate. Since my therapy was chopped at the knees in Oct 09 and this process of being treated like shit by ACC I am now triple guessing and checking everything I say and think. I know when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare how real the effects are for me, but it has got me at other times going over and over stuff in my head trying to 'work out' the 'truth'. Pre-October, sure there were things about my thinking that weren't well sometimes, but now with this 'PROCESS' that I am being put through that doesn't even make sense (to anyone); and about something so very personal and intimate, it's not like they (ACC) didn't have very specific knowledge about the 'sensitive' nature of my claim well before they started all these actions.

I mean, come on. I was in the position last year where I found out that I needed to move, it happens, right? So it was quite difficult finding a place and shifting by myself for the most part, but I did in August, cause I had to. It was only weeks later that EVERYTHING stopped when I got that phone call saying that 'I had 5 sessions of therapy left'. So yeah I moved house, there is still half a dozen boxes unpacked in the middle of my lounge because I have been to f*%&ed up and not even functional enough in the aftermath of ACC's actions to unpack boxes. They want that to show or prove what. Crap.

How was that Football game this morning (USA vs ENG), have never even watched a game before, but thought it was great! And to make the game even better I got a tweet from Ms Kylie Minogue!

So... Friday Nite. The Good and the Difficult.

So...

I was half-way through writing another blog-post today. And haven't been able to finish it yet. It's called Flashback and is a description of this intense flashback I had last night that was something I haven't thought about in months.

It's taking everything I've got not to start cutting, I want to cut and cut and cut. Cut away the pain.

I am frantically watching TV, channel surfing to avoid adverts, cause during adverts I start to zone out, and then I start to think. Meanwhile while watching also multi-tasking with doing my nails, folding washing, cleaning the bathroom, blah blah blah.
Was watching the beginning of Shortland Street and wondering when they are going to get around to changing their opening credits, it seems like most of the people they show in that sequence are no longer on the program.

It is much easier thinking about banal things like that than what is really in my head.
I've probably had 6 hours sleep over the last 3 days.
The night before last I fell asleep sometime around 3am and had what I call a '10 out of 10' nightmare. One of the ones where hours later I am still 'feeling it', in spite of practicing all my skills, mindfulness and distraction, trying to change what's going through my head, through my body.


2 Good Things of the Week

- I managed to walk my beautiful dog Molly every day except one! Yesterday I forgot there was road works on one particular street though and walked down it, as I walked past the 'gang' of men one of them said, 'hey sweetheart, is that a well behaved doggie'. Okay, so inside I freaked, but managed to just keep walking and get home.

- Having an appointment with a therapist. Am borrowing some money, because I don't want to keep getting worse. I realise with how far 'down' I've gone over the last few months that it's going to take awhile to start to 'feel better' (because I've still been feeling very low), and to feel like my life and ME are on the journey toward being productive and functional, instead of just sinking. Baby Step.



2 Difficult Things of the Week

- Realising that it has gone from ACC wanting to deny me any help or subsidised assistance TO them now actively trying to PROVE my not needing, or being untitled to help under my Sensitive Claim, not only now and for the future, but ALSO historically. Okay, so the obvious difficult part of this is it is going to suck if the only way I can get any treatment is to keep trying to borrow money. BUT the bigger part of this at the moment is the self-reflection and the doubt being cast on my truth, the truth on the effects I have experiencing, AND also the solution and any progress and achievements that I may have had. It's very confusing and scary.

- On Thursday morning I must have fallen asleep just after 6am, I had a 10.45am really important appointment with a specialist. Even though I had been trying to rest since midnight I was just too anxious to get to sleep, anyway so I knew I might be overtired but I was determined to go and set me alarm for 9am. I woke up just after 8am from a '10 out of 10' scary-arse night terror. I was a mess, crying and shaking, doing everything to try and not be 'in' what had just been happening in my head. So there was no way I could get dressed, leave the house, and go and be able to see this Doctor, that I really needed to see, and be able to be present in that appointment. So I rang and changed the appointment (including lying about why, saying I'd been awake all night with 24 stomach bug - to shameful and difficult to explain the truth). So I mucked around a Doctor I really respect by cancelling at the last minute, I didn't make it to an appointment that I not only needed to go to but would have been beneficial for me physically, I lied about why I couldn't go because I was too ashamed to say the real reason why I couldn't go (something I can't stand about myself).

So I'm not going to 'act out'. Am going to keep staying safe. Going to try and not think about all this anymore today though. Going to go and watch 7 days on TV3+1 which I think is awesomely funny (Radiradirah and it's rapist jokes not so funny, just bad-taste).

Slander + Submission

When I was just a girl, I was upset and hurt and scared. Somebody asked me what I was upset about and I told them.

Not long after I was bundled into the back of a car and told that if I ever, ever, said anything like that again that I would be charged with Slander and I would be sent to jail. Even though for my age I was well read and had a good education I didn't know what slander meant, I had to swallow the tears and the snot and the fear, but I looked it up later in a dictionary. SLANDER.

Part of what has limited me in writing on here is other's anonymity, but at times it feels it's too my detriment. Keeping others secrets is one thing, not able to speak the truth as it's affected me is I guess an on-going theme in my life. A weave of conditional relationships, but patchy and confusing.

I currently have some 'stuff' going through 'review' with ACC. I am not going to publish the process and outcome of that on here until there is a court appointed decision, but already the 'tactics' by ACC seem desperate, nasty and MEAN with what has come before the Tribunal so far. Would love to tell you what their latest tactic has been, or what they are hanging their hat on to expel part of my claim, here is ACC's Ethos apparently.

There are still things that happen today that I get confused about, I suffer confusion from, stuff that I am apparently not meant to or not allowed to talk about, even though it directly impacts on me, leaves me shaken, kneeling on my kitchen floor, sobbing my heart out with the pain of not understanding why some people do what they do, and say what they say. As I cry I feel that broken pieces of me come dangerously close to the surface, and each time it takes more and more to dunk those pieces back down in the dark.

For some reading this what I have written probably may have been written in pig latin, for others, will maybe have a knowing of what I'm trying to write.

There is an important thing that I need to have blogged about, it's the Review Panel for the New Clinical Pathway for ACC Sensitive Claims. SUBMISSIONS ARE DUE BEFORE JUNE 18 (so get a wriggle on). Anyway there is a kind soul who has written a step by step (how-to) guide to give ANYONE the chance to make a submission. I have recieved permission to reprint this fully on my blog, but that might have to wait a couple of days.

What I really want to say is if you know someone who has ever been the victim of abuse or sexual trauma or rape, hopefully by now, you are aware enough with what has been happening around support available that you would feel compelled be able to make a submission.
If you think you don't know anyone affected by this issue, then consider that a blessing in the lives of those you are close to, but...
Ponder This, if your daughter or son, if your brother or sister, or your best-friend or work mate was the victim of the crime of sexual assault, rape or abuse, what kind of care would you like made available for them? Because this isn't about just me, and Louise Nicholas, and a handful of other survivors who have managed to put their hands up publically, this New Clinical Pathway isn't just about the way in which current victims are being treated (or rather mistreated), it's also ABOUT HOW THE SYSTEM IN OUR COUNTRY is actually structured going forward. So do you want to know that if someone you know actually has to experience one of the most horrendous crimes on the planet that there will be HELP there available to them, safe, effective, meaningful HELP.
If you have the time and have any doubt, go back to the beginning of my blog, read through it again, imagining it is your cousin or your neighbour, would you want there to be some safe and helpful services available for that person.

Please make a SUBMISSION, while there is still time for our voices to be heard.

Still Here

Auuuuuuggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!

The last week has been pretty rough. I don't know if it is a bit of sunshine today or what, but I think I need to keep documenting this, keep writing.

Today is the first day in a few days that I haven't felt suicidal (feel like that is another 'taboo' word but...). I've mainly been on the couch or in bed just trying to hold on and not do anything stupid to myself. It has been hard trying to work out the 'right' thing to do when everything seems so confusing and foggy.

I don't know how to totally describe how I've been feeling, it's not that I want to die, but I have been having thoughts of not being able to live, if that makes sense. In my head it's been like I am in this holding pattern, this no man's land, feeling like until the 'New Clinical Pathway' and my personal claim review's are processed that I just have to sit and wait while it's felt like part of WHAT I HAD achieved in therapy has crumbled away.
My ability to interact with people has now snowballed out of control. I don't know when it's ok to say what I think and feel or when I should be apoligising. I learnt a long time ago when I first entered recovery that everyone has a different opinion about what I (or you) should or shouldn't be doing, and that there is no way they can all be right or I can keep everyone happy. While I was in therapy I was able to learn and practice skills to be able take the bits that were best for me and take a quiet step back from the rest. I remember getting better and better at doing this, and in turn the relationships in my life, the interactions I had with people became better, more satisfying, calmer.
So the few interactions I've been having with people haven't been so good for the most part. I know I am overtired, messy in thought, invariably trying to make things better has been making them worse.

BUT I am going to be brave and have asked someone to come with me to the supermarket tomorrow. It has been years since I haven't been able to go to the supermarket by myself (is that a double negative?) but now seems to be the way it is for awhile. But there you go.

I was very kindly visited today by my local Labour MP, she came for a cup of tea and a chat. I tried not to talk her ear off, but just talked with her asking if there was perhaps some community services locally that I am not-so-far aware of and that I maybe able to get a little help from with various bits and stuff, even if it isn't 'specialist' care so to speak for rehabilitation from my trauma, just some help to keep my day-to-day living a bit more manageable, keep my head above water, and not get so low. I got a chance to say how things had been for me, she was very kind with the time she spent with me and it sounds like she might be able to help point me towards a couple of helpful more short-term things, I'm not having any expectations about it BUT I felt really heard today, and with all the written invalidation from ACC over the last 6 months validation is like a eco-friendly bottle of ice cold water in the middle of the desert!

At best the earliest 'results' from any of my ACC reviews looks like August/Sept or later, so I can't just tread water by myself for that whole gap from now until then, so I've got to keep reaching out even though sometimes it feels hard and uncomfortable.

Just for today I've been able to 'act as if', as if I feel up to helping myself when maybe I want to just curl into a ball in a quiet place.

If anyone else needs to know I've received an email regarding the Review of the New ACC Sensitive Claims Clinical Pathway, and I quote the following -

"The review panel welcome submissions on the Clinical Pathway.
Could you send this care of ClinicalPathwayReviewSubmissions@researchnz.com
or send by post to the following address: PO Box 1039 Wellington (Key St)."

Apparently the Review Panel are accepting both written, audio, and video submissions. I'm not sure of the date that they are required by, as I said above it's been a tough week and I haven't really been aware of that much. I am hoping that I'll work out how I should submit something appropriate for the Review Panel.

No this is totally off-topic, but check out this story I saw on the news tonight by clicking HERE, I got this warm fuzzy feeling (and maybe a tear) and the intensity of the mother's love, and the humility of the rescuer in this report.

I really, really want for things to get better than they have been lately, so I am doing ALL that I can to help myself. (but phew!)

Last Post

My neighbor's house just got broken into and robbed, sometime over the last 24hours. They were away, not there, and the front door has been smashed in and stuff stolen. We are down a right-of-way, a private drive, so to be able to see who is home or not you would need to come all the way down. Maybe the fact that I have all the lights on all night saved it from being my place they broke into.

I don't think I am going to write in this blog anymore, I think over the last month with making this blog public, being on twitter, and doing that article I have tried to convey 'how thing's are' as best as I can. I don't think it's a good idea for me to keep blogging intimate details of my disfunction. Firstly I am having trouble writing anyway, and I don't want to sound like a broken record either. I also don't want to do more harm than good by giving the impression to other's out there that may be survivors of sexual abuse or trauma that 'where I am' is 'how it's meant to be' or 'where you have to end up' by choosing to be honest about something that may have happened.

Thank you for the support and kindness of those who have read it though, and I am going to leave it all online so that maybe if ACC want to see the effects of how they handled my claim they can have a look. I just want to make it clear as well that there is a difference between me holding ACC accountable for the choices and behaviour around my care and claim AND me blaming ACC for how things are for me. One of the most important things that I have gleaned through my journey of recovery that no matter what it is there is no point in BLAME. I am not up to totally explaining this right now, but there is a difference between the two, but accountability and blame are very different.
There is much more documentation (that I wanted to be able to put up here) from ACC that does not show the way they have treated me in a favourable light, some of it is disgusting actually. When I requested my case file in October and finally received it weeks later I was going through one of there assessments and scrawled on the side in pencil were the notes from one of ACC's top attack dog Psychiatrists 'perhaps she is re-writing history'. Even now I feel like I have been punched in the stomach every time I re-read it or think of it. The only way they/this person could have gone further would have been to write 'Danielle is a lying little slut', cause it pretty much felt like that was what was written.
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing, right!

I don't understand what is going on right now in my life, but there have been times when bad things have happened before, I am not religious but I do believe in a Higher Power & I do my best to believe that my Higher Power is a caring one rather than a vengeful one (with the hope that when these things happen that it is not because I am being punished in some way, or am deserving of punishment). These are a few words that I say to myself in the dark times and the good.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Take my will and my life
Guide me my recovery
And show me how to live



If you haven't seen Sicko I recommend watching, and I hope and pray that this is not becoming applicable in New Zealand.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual abuse, sexual trauma or rape a really good place to start is with New Zealand Rape Crisis, or with Sexual Abuse HELP, I find it hard to believe in this day and age, but I know the first time I was raped and beaten that the Police asked me if I wanted to try and go to Women's Refuge, but beyond that for a long time I didn't have any idea that there was anyone that I could talk to about what had happened to me.

If you want to help click HERE, or HERE, or HERE, or HERE.

BLUE

The last time I phoned ACC Sensitive Claims was on the 5 May 2010, I rang them feeling pretty desperate, really desperate actually. After an hour on the phone with them speaking to several different managers and looking at my file was "all that we can give you is the number for the Presbyterian Church Services"

I am listening to the "Nutter's Club" on RadioLive, it's a great show, doing great things for the community.

I managed to take Molly (my dog) out for a walk today, do a load of washing, some cleaning and even made something to eat. I know enough to be able to force myself to do the simple things acting 'as-if', the things that I should be doing 'as-if' I am ok.

But I don't feel ok. It's Monday tomorrow, I feel like my existence is pretty pointless, is hopeless. I know that when I am given the tools to help myself that I work really hard, but I am not sure where and how I am meant to help myself.

It's dark out and when the radio goes off the images going round and round in my head will be there. I swear when I have the nightmares of re-living of the rapes I experienced that I can feel it physically in my body. Somebody told me once that the brain doesn't know the difference between experiencing things when you are awake and asleep, so that there is part of my body that is living through it again.

I know how lucky I am that I have a place to lay my head tonight, I know what it is like to sleep under a tree in the middle of winter and I am not there now, but I know that there are people out there who can't even get warm tonight and will go to sleep hungry.

I am wondering if I need to try and face the fact that I will never have any more therapy, never see my therapist again, never have a chance to finish talking about what happened, or will never get the help 'practicing' to live the way that I was doing.

I still feel very blue.

Broken bits

I feel really sad and down today. I'm scared to go to sleep and have to wake up crying and scared. I think that because my face must get so hot with the distress of crying while I am asleep sometimes when I wake up my nose is bleeding and my face and pillow are covered in blood, I know how disgusting that is. I am tired and frustrated at myself. I am second guessing every thought that I have. The thoughts and images in my head about the stuff I don't even want to write about now won't go away. I haven't used alcohol or other drugs, or even cut myself. I know that these things will provide some temporary relief, but they won't really help anything, and create even more problems. I know that there are so many people out there today with problems much worse than mine but me trying to get some perspective on that doesn't seem to be helping today. I can't focus on watching tv or reading a book very well, find myself disassociating and suddenly realise that 5, 10 or 20 minutes have suddenly passed. Me speaking out with the article last week, starting this blog and then making it public, hasn't been a case of me gathering steam to stand up for 'the issue' around 'people like me' being able to access help, it's been trying to document it, explain it in a way that might explain the difference that the right support can mean in someone's life.
It's getting harder and harder to try and keep reaching out for help when alot of the time I'm either met with rejection or invalidation.
And I'm so tired all the time, with I know doesn't make things physically or emotionally easier.
It hurts inside, there is this ache that makes my chest tight, makes it hard to breathe.
I spoke to someone on the phone today that I really care about and a few minutes into the conversation I said something, one word that this person then said 'are you accusing me of lying', I was like, no way at all and tried to explain what I had meant, the conversation had not been heated in any way, but they said that they needed a coffee and hung up on me.
I am not even able to think carefully or clearly enough to not upset or offend those I love and care for. That's one of the worst part of all this I think, is being such a burden on people I care about and more often than not since I haven't been in therapy not being able to 'keep it together' socially or even in one on one communication and knowing that I can't bring anything to the relationship, am unable to 'pull myself together' at times to interact with people. After everything I've experienced, like the pain and fear, I OF ALL PEOPLE do and should know and be able to take care with the effects of my actions, words, behaviour and being on others, so as not to cause harm or difficulty. It disgusts me how the broken bits inside of me spill out of me and infect everything.
I hate how pathetic I sound and I hate how much it hurts inside.

Private (unless you say please?!?)

The following is a follow up account involving documentation of the as yet still unresolved Privacy Breach by ACC of my Sensitive Claim and some narrative of how I have attempted to cope with it.

From 23 October 2009 to 9 November 2009 I was ringing and emailing every other day to try to get someone to even just discuss the HUGE breach of my privacy, releasing my PERSONAL CLINICAL information to someone, and then having on-going email discussions with them regarding ME. (Please see my blog post from 26 October 2009 for exact copies)

Initially all I wanted (and didn't even comprehend would be difficult to obtain) was an apology regarding the BIG MISTAKE in not only releasing my information, but an acknowledgement that the clinical information was in fact incorrect, and also a fairly heartfelt assurance that my information (some of if you can imagine very, very personal) is in fact 'safe & secure' with ACC.

After phoning repeatedly, literally being on hold for hours, none of my emails about this being answered or the several from my therapist regarding this also going unanswered. On the morning of 9 November 2009 I finally got a call from a man called James who told me he was Kimberliegh O'hara's boss. I had spent OVER 2 HOURS that morning on the phone to Sensitive Claims/ACC trying to get someone who could speak to me regarding this Privacy Breach. Ms O'hara was there but would not take my calls, I had once again explained the situation to the operator, but they had no knowledge or understanding of what I was referring to and was 'not allowed' to give me their email address for me to forward copies (from ACC originally) of the emails clearly displaying the breach of privacy.
So when I spoke to James I said if he could email me an apology clearly acknowledging that my privacy had been breached when they responded to a private individuals email inquiry about me, and not only responded several times but also engaged in discussion passing on Clinical Information, and in addition to the apology an assurance that greater care would be taken with my personal information in the future. He assured me that he would do this. I was speaking to him on my mobile phone having just left my GP's office where I had been seeing her in a high state of distress trying to understand, cope and stay safe around ACC's mismanagement and unsafe practices around my treatment and care.
Below is the apology I recieved about an hour later.

"Apology‏
From: James Du Plessis (James.DuPlessis@acc.co.nz)
Sent: Monday, 9 November 2009 2:52:17 a.m.
To: Danielle
Cc: Selena Dominguez (Selena.Dominguez@acc.co.nz)

Dear Danielle,

Thank you for our discussion over the phone today. I do take on board your concerns regarding the disclosure of information to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' from 'CONCERNED FRIEND'S PLACE OF WORK'. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' wrote several emotionally charged emails to ACC regarding the perceived lack of care for you from ACC. He stated that he was greatly concerned for your well-being, which prompted us to respond accordingly. It was also noted that 'CONCERNED FRIEND' was cc'd in your emails sent to the Case Manager, and this provided contextual background to the subsequent reply.

We pointed out to 'CONCERNED FRIEND' that we have not been neglecting your care, which currently stands at 280 counselling sessions, and informed him that a Diagnostic and Treatment Assessment has been arranged so as to ensure your future treatment rehabilitation needs are being met. This was done within the context of his email to demonstrate that we were indeed concerned for your well-being and continued care.
I understand you are not happy with me telling him this, and for that I do apologise. We will ensure that no further details about your care be communicated to 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.

With regards to your ongoing treatment I can advise that your DATA report is currently being reviewed by our clinical peer review team. A communication with the outcome will be forwarded to you in the next few days.

Once again I do apologise if I have caused you any undue stress in my communications with 'CONCERNED FRIEND'.

Kind regards
James du Plessis
Project and Services Manager|ACC | PO Box 1426 | Wellington | New Zealand"

This sounded to me more like a justification than an apology, which didn't do much to assure me it wouldn't happen again, I know lots of people that work in the health sector does this mean if they email ACC with questions about me that they will be relayed information?
I was disappointed to say the least, I wasn't looking to crucify anyone personally. ALL I WANTED WAS TO KNOW THAT MY INFORMATION WITHEN THE SENSITIVE CLAIMS UNIT WAS SAFE. IF 'ACC' THINKS THAT IT'S OK TO EMAIL PRIVATE CLINICAL INFORMATION TO ANYONE WHO EMAILS THEM ABOUT ME THEN WE OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT HOW MY INFORMATION IS MEANT TO BE HANDLED.
I was totally panicing and thinking that if my information is not safe there then what do I do, am I meant to request it all be removed from their possession.

So it was at this point that I realised that my simple request of acknowledgement of mistake and an apology was not something that seemed could be obtained by either myself or my therapist. The distress I was experiencing about this was quite intense and so I engaged a lawyer to try and get this sorted out, I guess if it had been something similar from my plumber I wouldn't have felt quite so anxious as I did about this organisation that held copies of therapist's notes, medical records etc, all pertaining to events and effects of the most shameful experiences in my life & my continuing journey of recovery.

This letter was sent by my lawyer in the last week of November:

"The Manager
Sensitive Claims Unit
ACC
PO Box 1426
WELLINGTON
Attention James Du Plessis
DANIELLE MARTIN

We have been instructed to act on behalf of Danielle Martin. We understand Danielle’s Case Manager is Selena Dominguez.

Ms Martin has instructed us that ACC (specifically Kimberleigh O’Hara and Selena Dominguez) have disclosed sensitive and personal information in relation to her care and treatment to a personal friend of hers, 'CONCERNED FRIEND', without her consent and then continued discussions with him following his response. 'CONCERNED FRIEND' clearly disclosed in the email that he was a personal friend of hers therefore there can be no confusion that he was acting in any other capacity.

We have also received the email from Mr Du Plessis to our client dated 9 November 2009 offering further reasons of why the information was disclosed. This is not acceptable. ACC has clear obligations in relation to the disclosure of personal information.

Accordingly, ACC has breached the Privacy Act and in particular information privacy principle 11. As you are aware, our client is a high risk client and this breach has caused her significant harm and distress.

Ms Martin instructs that she seeks an apology for the breach of her privacy. The email provided by Mr Du Plessis does not go far enough. Ms Martin requires a formal written apology directly to her from ACC acknowledging the wrongdoing in disclosing her personal information to a person who is not involved with her care or treatment plan without her authorisation. ACC is also required to apologise for the unnecessary stress and harm she has suffered as a result of this breach.

Our client also requires confirmation that no further personal information concerning her will be disclosed to anyone other than those professionals involved in her care and treatment without her formal consent.

If our client does not receive an appropriate apology, she will consider reporting this breach to the office of the Privacy Commissioner.

Please ensure the apology is sent to our office so we can provide this to our client."

There was also a paragraph added requesting as a show of good faith on ACC's part, considering my previous extended efforts at sorting this out myself if ACC contribute $500 toward my legal fees (trust me, only a portion of the costs).
My Lawyer received an email from Sue Walker (Branch Manager, ACC Sensitive Claims) acknowledging receipt of this letter on 11 December 2009.

Then I was forward the following from my lawyer (that they had received from ACC):

Dear 'DANIELLE'S LAWYER'
"Re: Danielle Martin
Thank you for your letter 04 December 2009, advising that you act for Danielle Martin. You advise in your letter that you wish for ACC to pay compensation for a breach of her privacy and also for legal costs in bringing this matter to ACC’s attention.
ACC takes its responsibilities regarding the security of personal information it has been entrusted with very seriously. Therefore, I would like to extend my personal apology for the breach of Ms Martin’s privacy by one of my staff.
Whilst ACC has accepted that there has been a breach of privacy the Privacy Act 1993 requires that you show how this breach has interfered with her privacy. The Act states that an action is only an interference with the privacy of an individual if, and only if it has caused loss, detriment, damage, or injury to that individual, or has resulted in, significant humiliation, significant loss of dignity, or significant injury to feelings.
Therefore, it would be helpful if you could outline the information that you consider to be at issue, how the release of this information has interfered with Ms Martin’s privacy, the effect it has had on her personally, and what you would consider to be an appropriate remedy.
I look forward to receiving your response in the near future.
Yours sincerely
Sue Walker
Manager of Sensitive Claims"

So now, if in fact you are still reading this incredibly long blog post, you will see that after much ado there has been some acknowledgement by ACC. In the meantime I am required to write some sort of document proving and showing and outlining the distress etc.
And I haven't been able to do it.

My Lawyer requested that the above email be sent as a hard copy letter, and signed. (just to show a wee bit of respect to me maybe)

This 'different version' was what came via my lawyer 2 weeks later:



Hopefully that is readable, I'm not sure how to make it any bigger on here.
The bit that upsets me the most in this document, apart from the fact Sue Walker didn't want to sign her name to the bullying words in the first 'email apology' from her, is "formally apoligise for the breach of privacy regarding disclosing information to a Provider that was a personal friend of yours". WTF??? So what that he works in the mental health field. Why after all this, weeks of me phoning Sensitive Claims in tears asking what was going on for them to deny that these emails they had sent even existed, and then for me to have to get a lawyer to ask for an apology, because I'm just some girl, or some woman, that they don't even have to return my calls, or answer my therapists emails about this issue, and then when there is FINALLY some sort of apology they still can't just be straight up about it AND want PROOF of 'damaged caused'.

A) I was not and have not had any therapeutic support to be able to do something like that safely.
B) By the end of December I realised that it didn't matter how much I believed what was going on with my Privacy, care and treatment decisions with ACC was wrong and unethical there was no way that I could pay any further legal fees to continue pursuing the matter in this way.

So is my information safe there?
Hopefully the auction I currently have on Trademe will end up being successful and I will be able to pay the remainder of the Legal bills I incurred just to get that acknowledgement.
This whole thing doesn't feel resolved for me, I still believe I should follow through with this process, and it has been something that I have touched base around with my (wonderful but overworked) Advocate (that I have had since the beginning of this year).
Why in such a difficult time has the organisation involved in my care added to the problem rather than wanting to be with me in the solution.
After a clear violatin of someone Privacy who would really ask a survivior of trauma to provide proof of difficulties associated with that Breach (knowing and being part of the reason that she currently then as now had no therapeutic-support).
Obviously it has been hard for me to prioritise writing the 'proof' ACC require when I am as depressed and alone with my nightmares as I am right now.

Just a girl, in the world, signing out.